I'm sorry I can't reply to all of your questions & to each of you individually. Thank you all for your replies, I do appreciate the time you have taken to give advice & try to help.
We will be going back to the GP in the new year.
Some points I will make are Ds's behaviour started before we were even pregnant with his Sister. I have PCOS, she was a surprise baby, so at no point until we told him at around 5-6 months pregnant did he know. He was delighted, doted on her when she was born, sang to her, played with her, enjoyed making her laugh, held hands on walks. When he was at school & she started in the attached preschool, he would run over to talk to her & give her a kiss through the fence at playtimes.
His friends with younger Sisters at the school would not play with or talk to their Sisters. So when he started not wanting to play with her when she was in Reception, I thought it was normal behaviour. Over time he became less tolerant of her & now says he doesn't like her as she annoys him. Some reasons he has given are, he doesn't like her talking to him when he is with his friends, she is a baby when she gets upset, she is stupid as can't do times tables. (This is only a few & I can't remember every issue he has with her.)
We did not once think the withholding was down to bad behaviour. I was just explaining we had seen a child development specialist as we needed help with how to deal with his withholding. (We tried everything suggested by nursery, we used the ERIC website for advice, we used reward charts, stickers, toys, magazines, having conversations, showing him age appropriate funny videos, we bought a body book to read together.) This was over a long period & we gave each method time but nothing helped. I was desperate to help him, he had 3 poo accidents in Reception & he didn't like it, he was embarrassed. I had no problem in asking for help & saying we needed support, I wanted to deal with it in the correct/best way & help him.
I didn't realise from what I'dd said in my previous posts, that it came across as we don't love him or show him love. He is very loved by us all, even his Sister who he is mean to.
Every day he is given kisses & cuddles. When Daddy leaves the house for work kiss & cuddle, followed by special hand shake he made up. When he goes in to school every morning without fail he is given a kiss. He is the only child in his class that still wants a kiss goodbye & isn't embarrassed. (Other parents have commented, their own younger children don't want kisses now whether they aren't bothered or are too embarrassed & it's lovely to see.)
Every school day we talk in the car on the way home. I feel he feels safe & happy to talk to me as he'll happily tell me about things that have happened at school that I know others aren't telling their parents.
With regards to Father Christmas & how he found out he isn't real.
He asked a few times over the past year, I would talk about the magic of Christmas & say some Children don't believe but it's exciting visiting FC & waiting to see what presents he leaves for you. He was happy with this.... I always said I wouldn't lie to him if pressed on it. Back in September he asked me if FC was real. Gave examples of friends finding their Parent's Amazon order history or Excel spreadsheets with presents listed. He said some friends were saying he's not real & he wanted to know so when he is older he can sort Christmas for his children. He asked me to tell him the truth so I did. After the conversation he seemed fine. I asked him if he was okay about it & his eyes filled up. I cuddled him & he did have a little cry. We talked about the magic still being alive & how he can still write his Christmas list, visit FC as we do every year & help make it special for his Sister & Brother. He was excited by this, he asked lots of questions (as he always does about everything) about reindeer food, about who eats the mince pie & carrot we leave out. He found it highly amusing we got our dog to bite & chew the carrot & said how authentic it looked.
Threatening to tell his Sister about FC is purely because he had been given consequences for his behaviour & he wanted me to back down. I give chances/warnings, I sometimes count down from 5 in the hope it'll change his mind & he will do as he is being asked. (This does work sometimes.)
The day after he made his threat he cuddled me & said sorry. Then he asked if he could watch Pokemon on tv. I said no as that was his consequence for his behaviour. He then said, looks like I'll have to tell her then doesn't it.
The consequence was given as he refused to get ready for school. Not getting up, moaning about his "trash" breakfast, leisurely reading at the table whilst eating, snuggling on the sofa to continue reading. Playing on the landing & saying he doesn't care if he's late for school. Then going in to his bedroom to get dressed but playing with Pokemon cards. I walked in & he tried to slam the door on me. I said we are leaving the house in 5 mins get a move on. After lots of warnings I said if he didn't hurry up he would not be watching tv after school. He did not hurry up, we waited for him downstairs, he barged past his Sister with his rucksack on & knocked her over. I said no tv after school. He then got angry & slammed the gate on us as we walked out. I then said if he continued he'd be losing Pokemon/tv the next day as well. He continued at the car, moaning, being rude & he pushed past his Sister to put his bag in the front first. So I said no tv tomorrow either.
We always tell him we are proud, we have lots to be proud of. His amazing piano performances at school, speaking in church at the Christmas service, being an amazing caring & helpful big brother to his brother. We tell him we are proud verbally , I have in the past written him letters & done drawings for him. I leave notes in his writing/doodle books (at home) to say I love him & I'm proud of him.
I don't spend 1 on 1 time with him as much as I should but there is very little time. I know you may say make time but my husband works very long hours 6 days a week. Our 1 day all together is spent as a family. (This hasn't always been the case. We used to have a lot more time)
We have always looked after our children ourselves. When I worked nights or evenings they were with Daddy & when Daddy was at work they were with me. Grandparents have never babysat (apart from when I had our 3rd child for 1 day) we have not gone out on date nights or weekends away like some parents do, it's been over 10 years. We are happy, our time will come when our children have grown. I just want to show we do everything for our children they are our world.
We do need help with our Son's behaviour. I am not afraid or ashamed to ask for help. My main contact has been with the school as the GP was no help. The school set up weekly meetings for him with the school counsellor. When I have spoken to teachers they reassure me I am doing the right thing with consequences & following through. The one gave this own experience with his teenagers, swearing & being disrespectful. (My Son does not swear although does tell me when he hears swear words at school & sometimes asks what they mean.) I don't think it's the same as they are teenagers.
The other teacher told me about her difficult teenager, anorexia & other problems. Again, not the same as what my Son is doing but I was always told to persevere with consequences & following through.
We are strict in comparison to some parents but our Son generally appreciates this. There was massive upset about Momo (the weird looking thing on the internet) at school. He thanked us for not letting him have free reign on the internet/YouTube as he would have hated seeing it. I sat up with him until 11pm talking, cuddling & reassuring him as he had heard lots of stories at school, this was enough to bother him.
Fortnite is a 12, he is 10. I have read & spoken to lots of people that have experienced problems with their wonderful children after playing. (Lots regretting it after.) I know it would not be good for my Son. He tells me how some friends get left out & ganged up on. I don't want him to deal with that, I am just trying to protect him. He doesn't play games online, he plays Minecraft, Pokemon, Farming simulator & various other games he loves.
He is allowed to make mistakes, we tell him that. We do not expect him to be perfect. He insists he doesn't want to be anything like his Dad. (Who is a wonderful man, kind, caring, honest, hard working, always puts our family first.) We don't know why but he says it's hard to be good.
We spend time doing the things he loves, Monopoly, Computer games, (family quiz games, football, car racing) football, tennis, badminton, cycling. When we get time we do what he enjoys.
This is longer than I expected, I know I haven't covered all questions. I just wanted to say we are not horrible people.
The no park with friends after school consequence.... It wasn't just once he behaved like this. It happened every time we went for about 5 weeks. He was spoken to calmly initially whilst I was driving. He once demanded to go to McDonald's for tea whilst kicking the back of my seat. (Not making a big deal of that just saying he would say different things.)
I always spoke to him about his behaviour. He would be sent to his room for 5-10mins when we got home. We would talk before bed about his day & he would just say he didn't want to leave the park. He would apologise once calm. The same would happen when we went again until the final time I pulled over & I said I can't drive with you kicking the back of my seat. He refused to stop, I explained dangerous, could crash the car. He refused to stop, I said we would not go to the park again after school with friends. He continued...
So we didn't go again whilst others carried on, but then things changed. After school clubs started up, the weather became cold & wet, all of which meant it didn't come up again.
The 3DS is a long story but he was allowed on his Kano coding computer on the weekends still. I told him not to even ask about going on the 3DS again. He didn't for ages & it was easy to just carry on without it. He was happy, no problem. Then Christams came & he asked for new 3ds games. We set ground rules, weekends only, come off when asked & he then got the 3Ds back.
We will be speaking to GP in the new year.