To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

You need to take back control and get them all in order.

Your husband has Monday to Friday to get the house sorted out and keep on top of the washing etc. He should be doing at least two kids a day to keep on top. He can have a rota for doing the towels and changing the beds etc.

Get him told and sorted.

Next the kids. Take all electronics away and then they only get them IF the jobs are done. Treat them having them as a reward, not them having them as a given and taken away as a punishment.
Just do not tolerate rubbish on the floor etc and I know it’s an old fashioned view these days but if they were gobbing off like me like that they would be getting a good hiding!

You need to give them all their own jobs, and hold the things they love (gaming, TV, snacks) to ransom until they do it.

E.g: 7&8 year old - make beds every day (just pull duvet across bed), At the weekend put away all toys, put clothes in basket and hoover bedrooms. Also 1 x household job, e.g. taking it in turns to empty the dishwasher.

If this is done acceptably, then they can have junk food and gaming time at the weekend.

Children this age shouldn't be gaming in the week (should be going to bed 8-ish, so get home - homework, dinner, tV, bath and bed leaves no time)

YANBU

You sound really overwhelmed. It’s such a frigging stressful time of year for parents, especially when working full time, and especially when the pressure is on for it to be idyllic and wonderful. My house was a shambles when I had a toddler. The problem being I wasn’t relaxed about the mess at all (as people assumed) - it did my head in and made me super stressed the minute I walked in from work. Then the kids were full on all evening.

I agree with pps though that your DH is not pulling his weight. There all week some basic stuff should be done. My DH was a SAHD while I worked albeit part-time and he just didn’t see things I saw... I had to leave him lists or things wouldn’t be done. He took on weekly online shopping and a daily dishwash including putting stuff away and now is always done, so when I get home I scoop up all the washing and put a load on and I put washing away, pack bags etc. I clean at the weekends, he hoovers and he does a bigger bathroom clean once a month ish. It took us years to get to this stage but it sort of works. When we are feeling overwhelmed, it is usually because we have both been out lots so have got behind so we need a couple of hours to attack the house and feel better about it.

Personally I wouldn’t cancel Christmas. Childrens’ minds work differently to adults and I don’t think it will solve anything.

I think if I was you I'd probably cancel Christmas as it really doesn't sound like any of them deserve it.

I think it's your husband who you should be angry with rather than your children who are still young. He's at home all week, the bulk of the laundry and housework should be done then.
Lots of families manage when both parents are out all week, it shouldn't this stressful when one of you is at home all week. If the children see your husband leaving a mess they're bound to do the same, it's learnt behaviour.
Good luck, you deserve better 💐

The fish rots from the head. What's your husband's attitude to you? My guess is that your kids are picking this up and replicating it.

You need to get your DH back into work, if only because his lazy, advantage taking fecklessness will eventually make you want to leave him - but you'll find yourself paying him child maintenance, you losing the house to him and him receiving child benefit - despite you actually now doing the bulk of the child rearing work, and almost certainly continuing to do so after separation, though with much less actual time with your children.

Don't cancel christmas - that will "play" really badly for you in family court. I would simply, quietly, scale it back so it's less work for you.

In the New Year, start looking at the future you want for yourself. You deserve so much better than this bullshit.

I say this with care: smarten up - and quickly. This guy has you in a really dangerous position.

Dont be silly.
What are you going to do on 25 th on your cancelled Christmas?
If you want things to change create a simple nice family Christmas play board games get out for walks.
Everyone pitches to tidy up so you can have a nice time...not under threats
Go out but some big plastic baskets shoved in all the stuff
..
In new year things change
Get a cleaner
Agree what jobs everyone should do

Sell the X box. Will miraculously cure dcs and dh.

Her husband does work, just at the weekend!!

No, you should never use birthdays and Christmas as opportunities to discipline. You and your husband need to sort the house out together, get the tree up, continue Christmas and think very seriously about the changes you are going to make in the new year.

@PicsInRed

"The fish rots from the head".

Classic 😂.
Am definitely stealing this!

Hopefully the OP is sitting in an organised house with a husband who has pulled his finger out, and children who have been cowered by the withdrawal of electronic stimulation 🙏👍

I disagree
30 h work
Min of 6hx 5 (30h) toddler + hours with older 2
Getting 2kids to school everyday + toddler and reverse with pickup
Clubs?
Activities for toddler?
Mum
35h work
24h childcare (and nighttime) for all 3.
But You dont have to do anything
Clubs 2 days?

I guess a lot depends on your contraints for the weekends. If it's stressful and you have to get to lots of places.

I guess im saying that days the kids are at school he is working 7 days a week to get them there 5 (and look after toddler) then the 2 him to work.
Whereas you may be working more days but could relax at the weekends. If you are also reall Busy at weekends maybe that needs to be the consequence for the dc behaviour that they cant go to as much as m&d are exhausted by the mess the kids make. (Same goes for lots of mess during the week).

Why is there such mess if your partners a stay at home parent in the week? He should do laundry & tidy up on those days. Write him a list if he's that clueless. Also I noticed you said "asked them to help tidy up". Don't ask, tell them. With immediate consequence if they refuse. The not decorate the tree thing isn't a consequence, because it's just a quick once a year thing & something decorative , not something they're really invested in, like time with the computer/Ipad or their fave TV, films, cartoons etc.

It's hard to know the situation as outsiders.

Maybe your husband need
to do more, but OTOH I often read posts on here from SAHM saying how exhausting and demanding it is looming after young children, so I wouldn't assume he's got it easy just for working less.

I'm with ministry and Lee loo.
. They don't sound like your dh does crap all with them in the week and now on the spur of the moment everything is cancelled.

They need to be taught, regularly encouraged to do things, loads of praise for the tiny step gradually build up to bigger steps.

PS my 12 year old is still in training to do basic jobs, she has one or two weekly chores and mostly keeps her bedroom tidy.

I still need to remind her to do her basic chore, it's taken a while to get it done up to a good standard. Then I've shown other basics... How to put washing on etc but that's on going. Her bf is amazing at chores.

But my dd is great in other ways.

Some dc '' get things '' in some ways and others don't. My 6 year old would not know what to do to clean, she has tried and done quite well... But she wouldn't know other basic cleaning.

Why do an 8 and 6 year old have tablets? Too young.

Soundslike yo need a lot of boundaries putting in place in your house OP.

I think we forget that children need to be taught how to tidy up! With my DD we wrote a list of every single step required to tidy the lounge and after every 5 times of doing this she got a new book. About 3 cycles of this and it became second nature to her and we gradually stopped buying the book, it just became her job. She doesn’t particularly enjoy it but gets on with it independently whilst I cook/wash up/tidy bedrooms. We started this when she was 7 or 8 or so.

*If your husband is at home during the week why is the house so messy?

Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.*

So what does a mother do as a stay at home parent? Hope you are not the mother of a boy because he isn't going to get far in life with your attitude.

Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.

So he sits on his arse and does nothing? 🙄. FFS. Tell him to get his finger out his arse. Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you can’t clean or do laundry. (but according to some on MN you do fuck all except childcare which is lazy in my view)

I wont pass judgement on your husband, he sounds as burnt out as you, it sounds like you are both doing it tough.

I am sure that the life you both signed up didn't involve neither of you getting a break but that is what happened.

I think it's time for your husband and yourself to sit down and have a really deep chat about how you are both coping with the lifestyle you have, you are either child minding, working, houseworking or sleeping, you both need to try to take care of yourselves and each other.

Once you sort yourselves out it's time to make some decisions on how you are going to unite yourselves on a parenting front.

I would certainly tell your children that it is time for everyone to chip in or you wont be able to do Christmas this year but I would approach it form a 'we are a team and we (your DH and yourself) need help to make it happen ir it just wont be possible' rather than blame them if it doesn't go ahead, they are the kids, the adults run the ship and not them.

Give them responsibility abut remember they are kids, it's normal for them to make a mess and not clean up if they look around them and see a mess already. It's pretty hard to justify why they should be neat and tidy in their room for example when the lounge, kitchen and bathroom are a dump (again no judgement, a lot of us have been there for various reasons).

Good Luck!

Your husband needs to be united with you regarding this. DC clearly have no respect for you. United front, boundaries and carrying through.
Fuck living like how you’ve been. Seriously. Do it now before they are shitty teenagers

Sorry, but you brought this on yourself. Your children are spoilt brats. You have not instilled any respect or discipline. Thankfully you can start to rectify it. Cancel Christmas. No tree, no presents, no special anything. Treat it as a normal day. Yes, it's brutal but those brats need to learn. Use the day to have a family meeting and explain why. Layout ground rules and say that by NYE you want evidence of these changes in place. So the whole of their Christmas week is spent getting on top of chores, tidying bedrooms etc. Tough it out and do not give in to any Christmas treats or presents. Tough love, it works.

Please don't follow any of the cruel advice offered on here about cancelling Christmas. Things need to change for sure, but not until after Christmas. Have a serious chat with DH about him pulling his weight further in the new year.

They need a good old fashioned spanking op!!!