To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Cancelling Christmas is the very opposite of what I think you need to do. Catch them doing something right and praise it (I know some days it is hard to catch them doing something right!).

I think they are feeding off your stress and that what you have labelled as 'laziness' is typical for that age - especially in a stressful environment. Your DH needs to pull his finger out too.

Good luck. Sounds very tough.

Glad you are making progress with the older DCs OP.

I agree that your DH can do more house-wise during the week (depending on how difficult your toddler is) but I think the main thing to speak to him about is parenting the older two.

He sees them much more in the week so it is mainly his job to teach them that they put their rubbish in the bin, laundry in the basket, toys back in the cupboard, plates in the dishwasher etc.

It’s not easy I know, my 7 year old is being a bit of an entitled brat at the moment, but I pull her up on it every time and make her do her bit rather than giving in for a quiet life. It’s not fun, but I am hoping it will pay dividends in the long run. Plus it does make it a lot easier to keep on top of stuff if they get into the habit of helping.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Tbh it's pretty pathetic of him not to be able to do a lot more than that.. are there any SAHMs who don't do anything other than watch a child all day?

I managed three, absolutely everything else to do with our lives (loads: speech therapists, drs appointments, all the finances and holidays, building work and renovations, Christmas, christenings, kids' parties, toddlers every day, volunteering work and helping at school).

It's time to get strict - assign tasks and pay them token amounts per task (it was 20p back when mine were that age) even toddlers can help (well sort of). As a sahp it can be overwhelming too, I know I was one, so task lists will help your dp too. I'm sure the elder two really want Christmas presents but Father Christmas only comes to tidy houses!

I'm not saying it's easy, I have a bone idle 20 year old who shouted down the stairs for a cup of tea a few minutes ago but she has two rooms she takes care of, does own washing and from January is cooking 3 x a week

Ps I do have a cleaner, quite a luxury I know but I'm not spending my time off cleaning the bathroom, I prefer to work extra freelance work.

Lifeisgood having a cleaner is not a luxury when a person has children and a full-time job.

I work weekends and dh works mon to Friday. I have 3 kids ages 7,3 and 5 months old. One child has a lot of additional support needs. I am the SAHP during the week and my house is clean, washing done, dinner made and kids do lots of activities. At the weekend dh takes over I expect him to do the same. Your partner needs to do much more. He also needs to be forcing your kids to clean up after themselves as he is the one there during the week so can. You can back it up at the weekend. My kids wouldn’t dare treat my house like a dump as I have always been very strict with them. I feel for you I can’t imahind how exhausted you are. I would cut back at Christmas and tell them straight why.

Instigate house rules for your children
Meals/snacks to be eaten at kitchen/dining table and they bring their own dishes to sink/put in dishwasher afterwards.
They put wrappers in bin straight away or you stop buying wrapped items.
They tidy away their own toys before bedtime.
Take the laundry bags from their rooms and insist they carry down their laundry every morning.
Do not let them have their tablets/watch tv until they do their very basic chores.

The kids are not to blame here!

Your home life sounds utterly chaotic and to consider cancelling a 7 & 8 year olds Christmas because you’ve let it get that way is awful.

Please OP get your home life organised and set boundaries with your kids.

Also, get your husband to pull his weight! Those saying that he’s a stay at home parent and therefore housework is not his job please catch a grip of yourself - I’m a single parent with a full time job and guess what I do all the housework too!

It sounds very similar to our house really. I've just written today off and got loads of craft colouring things and have spent time watching Christmas films and just chilling out with them and just forgetting the house. Your stressed, give yourself a break x

Dont blame your kids, you and your husband raised them to be like that.
Your husband is a lazy bugger and needs to step up. If he was a woman the husband would have left him, (PP you know it's true!).

I too am a single parent and I work full time and do all childcare at home and all housework.
Don't cancel Christmas, that'll add cruelty to your (joint with OH) neglect.

Look this is coming from a single parent who works and has been doing a part-time college course at night for the last few months. Who's house has been a half decorated mess for weeks. And who is sitting here typing this instead of getting on with stuff.

It's really not your kids' fault that they are messy. Not from what I say, but from what I do. My DS is 7 and he learns how to take care of his stuff from me. When I had more free time and kept the house really tidy, he was actually a really quite tidy child. Since I've let everything go to a bit to pot, he has become messier and increasingly reluctant to tidy his stuff up. It's my fault and nobody else's. In your case, it's your and your husband's fault. You can't expect your kids to take care of their house when the adults in charge don't either. They will follow your lead.

So I'm going to get off my arse now and clean this shit-tip up and turn it into the Christmas wonderland it would have been a couple of weeks ago any other year. And once Christmas is over, I've a few days off work, so I'm going to blitz the whole house so from now on I'm a lot more organised.

Well glad things have improved.

I would not cancel Christmas but would make it a tech free Christmas. At that age other than taking phonecalls no tech on the day .

They need to learn to play again, be respectful.

The toddler can even help .

We have tidy up half hour here music on . Dc choice - works better , after 30 minutes assuming he has made an effort I carry on .

Things that help us...

ToDoIst: app on our phones, I set up all the chores on a two week rota and it means that both of us know exactly what needs doing. DH doesn't need to ask, he just gets on with it and I know what's been done so we don't duplicate jobs.

123Magic: we use this with both kids (4 and 10). Mostly with the 4yo but I tell him what I want him to do and what the consequence will be and he gets that 3 times, then the consequence. It helps keep me calm and it is very clear. Lots of info online.

Playpen/stair gate/high chair for the pre-schooler so some jobs can be done during the day. We didn't live in a show home when our youngest was small (I was a SAHM until he was 4.5yo) but I managed to whizz the hoover around, get the dishwasher on, cook dinner. I would usually mop up some jobs when DH was home from work and he would spend some time with the kids.

Utilise time saving ideas: we use anti-bac wipes and I keep packets in the kitchen and both bathrooms. Whoever supervises bath time also wipes around the sink and toilet. Also easy to wipe up in the kitchen as you go. Not so eco but for now, they work well.

Manage devices: we use Qustodio to control DD's device time but there's loads of different parent control options. Easy as it just turns off without me having to do anything. She earns device and TV time by doing various things around the house. I can control it from my phone. We don't have devices in bedrooms but even if she sneaks hers upstairs, it goes off at 8pm until 7am

A quick fix for Christmas would be to blitz the sitting room as a joint effort and get the older DC to put minimal decorations/ the tree up.

If you haven’t already, get all Christmas dinner ingredients ready made or frozen. I got everything for four from Iceland at under £30. Ain’t nobody got time for peeling sprouts and making Yorkies from scratch!!

New Year is your time for a new start. Resolutions from EVERYBODY to make family life better. In the meantime you can make lists of duties and rewards charts etc. 7 and 8yo are easy to “save” and you owe it to your whole family to do this systematically.

Expectations on women are just WAY TOO HIGH, especially at Christmas, so take a deep breath and soldier through the next 4 days, OP.

I’m a sahm to a toddler at home and a 4 year old at school. Granted I don’t work at all though, so I can’t comment on how tiring that part is for your DH, but I don’t find it that difficult to manage basic household tasks during the week. My house is by no means immaculate, but the laundry is done, the washing up done, meals cooked, hoovering, basic cleaning etc. My DH does practically no housework (which we have agreed on, I’m not complaining). I just view it as part of my day and it’s not that hard to fit it in.

How old is DD? Maybe she needs some nursery hours if that’s possible? Neither of you have any down time really so it must be so exhausting for you both

Nothing wrong with cutting back Christmas to make it manageable. We do chicken in the slow cooker and I have used foil tins to aid washing up. Everyone has a job to do to help with Christmas Dinner. No dessert in our house, if you don't help.

I'd scale back gifts, either spread them out over the day (and maybe over the following days) and/or save some for birthdays. Maybe consider doing something together as a family (we love Treasure Trails) to get out and about in the fresh air.

Also, I find that my kids play better with less toys. They seem to settle down and play for longer if there's just a couple of choices. We will charity shop a load of things in January and then I'll get back our toy rotation going. We put some in the attic and have some in their rooms/lounge, then swap them around during the year. It's easier to tidy up as there isn't so much too.

Would working condensed hours over four days be an option? So you can still be full time but there is a full day where both you and your DH are home. Family time must be so difficult to schedule. Being able to have a few quality family days may help you all feel more of a team and help improve the relationships x

Decorate your tree op and stop nagging them. If they continue to behave like this say nothing.
On Xmas morning when they’re super excited and go downstairs to nothing, it’ll be a very good lesson.

They’ll get an opportunity then to do as you’ve asked to get their gifts.

Use it as an opportunity to set them down like the pp said and insist that they work as a team to get Christmas back on schedule.

Do it. Tell them why.. they're on the naughty list.

Poor you

Rosters are vey helpful. Chores to be done each day are ticked off by the child when done. At the end of the week they are paid their pocket money only if their jobs have been done. It’s also a good idea for DC at this age to have their own bank account and you transfer their pocket money into their account at the end of the week when all their jobs are done.. They can look online and see their savings build up and have their own cards.

Daily jobs can be: dirty clothes in basket, Feed pets, unstack dish washer, clear table after dinner and so on. DC of 8 and 7 will find it difficult to tidy a room that needs decluttering, it is often beyond them. If you don’t get your DC to start being responsible and doing jobs as well it will be hard work for you when they are teenagers.

It sounds like your DH needs his own roster as well, he is lazy and not a good role model. It’s not your job to carry the larger burden.

I would also not buy sweets with wrappers for them to drop on the floor. Also cut back on buying junk food if that’s a problem.

I do wonder if the posters on here suggesting she cancels Christmas actually would in the real world cancel Christmas for a 7,8 year old and a toddler ???

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and YANBU to be upset about it and to lose your temper but I think YABU to blame the children. They are still very young at 8 and 6 and unfortunately children just are messy and noisy, push boundaries and fight with each other. Of course they should help tidy and try to keep the place clean but you can't expect them to like it, to do it without complaining or to fully understand how you feel. It's you and your husbands responsibility to help them to empathise but try not to blame them for the way you feel.and don't make them feel as though they are bad becausw that will only make them behave even worse and play up to the label. Something needs to change though, you and your husband need to have an honest conversation about how you allocate jobs in the house.