Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To literally cancel Christmas

438 replies

itsnotterrysitsmine · 21/12/2019 10:27

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

OP posts:
Katzia · 22/12/2019 05:05

@Shooturlocalmethdealer really wanted to say that but didn't think it would be welcomed. But yes, they need a good smack!

Shopkinsdoll · 22/12/2019 05:27

Well for a start if your husband is home all week the house shouldn’t be like this. Especially the washing. Your two oldest will be at school, toddlers nap,so he has plenty time to tidy. My two children are the same age, they leave wrappers, plates lying everywhere it’s not easy. My oldest also can be very cheeky. Iv started turning the WiFi off that’s def working. I have been on holiday from work, for two days last week and spent hours cleaning and it’s very annoying when soon after they leave there shit lying about! My partner works full time, I work 9-3 Monday till Thursday.

Takemetovegas · 22/12/2019 05:41

But milktwosugarsplease parenting includes making sure children aren't using the floor as a rubbish bin and completing their chores. Also I think we all accept that cleaning up after yourself is an adult behaviour and it doesn't sound as if he's doing that either.

Dozer · 22/12/2019 05:48

Your DH is the problem here. Unfair to take it out on primary aged DC.

Dozer · 22/12/2019 05:49

And YWBU not to do a basic xmas, not the DCs’ fault their father has failed to sort it.

MerryDeath · 22/12/2019 05:57

this sounds awful. and that your DHshould be doing more both to get the kids moving and to maintain your house. that's why being the PTer or SAHP isn't the easy option, like he currently has it!

thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 05:59

*I feel sorry for you but sorrier for your DC. You are making them the villains here when at only 6 and 8 yo they are the product of their environment. You say your DH is lazy and they are clearly learning from him. They also seem to have learned that when you ask nicely they can safely ignore it and they only need do what you say when you lose it and go ballistic. I wonder if they are copying their dad there too?

Forget about warnings and second chances and remaining calm until you eventually lose it and start punishing. Tell them very clearly and calmly ‘ I am telling you to do this NOW, you have a count of three’ and if you get to three, remove plugs/electronics. No screaming or crying, just calm action. And then in future I wouldn’t even give them the electronics until the tasks are completed. Then they can be a reward for good behaviour rather than a distraction.

You say you are setting boundaries and expectations but they obviously need to be clearer and more consistently enforced.*

Absolutely brilliant post @radardodgingninga

myself2020 · 22/12/2019 06:47

2 things:
with a stay at home parent with only one child at home i would expect the house to be spotless. your husband is a lazy twat
definitely cancel christmas. 6 and 8 still have a chance to turn out decently, but not if you continue like that. if they behave impeccably, they can earn 1 present per week AFTER christmas

user1480880826 · 22/12/2019 07:00

Your husband is the problem. He is lazy and your children are picking up his habits.

Why can’t he work Monday-Friday while the toddler goes to nursery?

OhioOhioOhio · 22/12/2019 09:26

How are you getting on op?

TheABC · 22/12/2019 10:21

Big hugs, OP. It's a cold, dark and stressful time of year in addition to the overwhelm at home.

Take a look at the organised mum method and divvy it up between you at DH. Also agree on your discipline rules and stick to them. The out, loss of screen time or toys in the naughty box.

Finally, regardless of what else you decide, go for a low-key Christmas. Get everything pre-made and ready to pop in the oven and gift bags for the presents. As little stress as possible.

inwood · 22/12/2019 10:40

Your husband sounds like a lazy arse and the kids sound like they need boundaries. There is no need for it to be that stressful.

How are things this morning?

Greydove28 · 22/12/2019 10:59

Yanbu

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 22/12/2019 11:11

I wondered how long it would be before someone came along advocating physical abuse as the solution Hmm
There is ample evidence that physical chastisement is not only psychologically damaging but it does not actually lead to improved behaviour so leaving aside the obvious moral problem with an adult hitting a child half their size, it won't change anything anyway. Well, actually that's not entirely true. When the kids go back to school and tell their teacher that Mummy has started hitting them and "cancelled Christmas" because the house was a mess then there will inevitably be a referral to Children's Services so that would represent change of a kind I suppose.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/12/2019 11:40

The fault here is clearly with you and your husband. You have time to get the house organised if you work together now. I would get everyone to go around together with a bag for rubbish and one for recycling and one for the charity shop and one for keeping. Sort out each room and put away things you are keeping. Be brutal and do it as quickly as you can. Put on a load of washing and put any dirty laundry in the washing basket.

Once rubbish is cleared vacuum each room and clean bathroom with wipes. Mop any hard floors. Once the house is basically clean you can start decorating and wrapping a few simple presents that won't take up too much room.

Next year keep on top of things. The Organised Mum Method is really good for giving you a few simple jobs each day.

AlaskaElfForGin · 22/12/2019 12:28

They need a good old fashioned spanking op!!!

FFS there's some terrible advice on this thread.

OP it goes without saying that you should neither hit your children or leave them with the impression that their behaviour is driving you away to a hotel room, but I'm sure you would never do either of those things.

Original poster
itsnotterrysitsmine · 22/12/2019 16:45

So just to update. After setting very clear expectations yesterday morning the older DC helped with a tidy up throughout the afternoon. House is not spotless, but more manageable. We then decorated the tree & put the lights up as promised if they helped.
Both have been much better behaved today & we have watched a Christmas film & done some baking together. Smile

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 16:46

Yeh. That’s good. Well don’t you!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 16:47

Well done even...

Dozer · 22/12/2019 16:47

What about DH?

SunsetBoulevard3 · 22/12/2019 16:48

I would take away their gaming console and TVetc for the next few months until their whole attitude changes. If you don't sort this now you will have rude ungrateful adult children/teenagers in the future which is even worse.

OhioOhioOhio · 22/12/2019 16:55

Well done op.

I'm a single mum with wee ones. I learned a long time ago that you really don't need to do everything.

I'm pleased youve had a good day.

Original poster
itsnotterrysitsmine · 22/12/2019 16:57

DH has been at work all weekend.

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/12/2019 17:04

How convenient for him, after not sorting it all week while you worked.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 22/12/2019 17:04

Are people seriously suggesting you cancel christmas! They are kids for heavens sake. I seen another post earlier whereby another parent threatening to take a 10year olds presents away. You're dh sounds useless. You need to get a list of what needs to be down and work through it. Cancelling christmas however is not the answer.