To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

So in the 2 days you have at home with all the children you are expected to do the laundry and jobs he can’t achieve in 5 days at home with a toddler?
Unless you have a screen-free home and you tell us he spends every moment with the toddler feeding, washing, toileting her, then crafting and going to toddler groups, then he has time. He can also “involve” the toddler in some jobs, they like loading and unloading the machine with supervision.
I wonder what his smartphone stats say about his phone usage for example?

Cancelling Christmas would have been inappropriately extreme and potentially damaging for your still young children. The responsibility lies with you as parents.
Agree what DH should reasonably get done in the week, you at the weekend (should be proportionate) and what the children can do.

It sounds really tough, but I would try to find some time to do something as a family every week, just getting togged up and walking in woods or your nearest big park with a football, finding dens, playing hide and seek, having an ice cream. Don’t take devices. Do your children have time limits set on their devices under parental controls?

I think it’s easy to fall into a bit of a malaise when at home with a toddler all day as they are lovely but relentless, routine is your friend. DH needs a routine.

OP, I feel for you.

A family is like any management structure.
The tone is set from the top.
If management is poor it filters down.

You have done step one. Removal of all electronic stimulation. Do NOT relent on this point. Your children need a total detox.

Give them a bag exact to go from room to room tidying up.
Get the children to tidy every room with toys.
Get the children to tidy their rooms.

New house rules.
No food beyond the table. Stick to this.

Your husband sounds lazy. He is not a great example to the children.

Children respond to a tidy home.
If they see your husband doesn't give a damn, that the place is a mess, they lean into it.

Keeping them completely away from electronics will tell them you mean business.
Tell them clearly you are no longer putting up with their attitude. And mean it.

I remember years ago a couple of my children were being very bratty and fighting with each other and I had had enough. I told them to get their hats and coats on and get out to the garden to play and work off some steam....they got bored after a while and I told them to kick a ball to keep warm, but they were not coming back in until they improved their behaviour.....they were much better when they came back in and just the threat of an extended playtime in the cold weather was enough to put manners on them.

Children will walk all over you if you give them the chance.
They HAVE to respect you.
They HAVE to believe you will follow through.

Your two need their cough softened big time if they are laughing at you.

Believe me you do not want to be dealing with them as teenagers if they are laughing at you at 7-8.

You can turn this around.
You would not believe what can be achieved by turning off all electronics and telling all of them, including your husband that you have had enough.

You have a lot going on. Make Christmas as simple as possible. Cut out anything except the basics.

Your family need you well.
Take care of yourself and tell your husband he needs to step up as you have had enough.

Wishing you strength 💐

Buy yourself an extra Christmas present

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848123094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_0eH.DbEHW3A7P?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Lots of great advice here. I really feel for you and hope things improve for you. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Sort dh out and then the dc problem will be easier.

Your life sounds very difficult at the moment. You are obviously doing more than your DH but even he is doing quite a lot really if he works 30 hours a week and is looking after a toddler by himself the rest of the time.

Arguing with your DH about it is not going to make your life better. You both need to get the children to tidy up after themselves but beyond that I would employ a cleaner. I know this will cost money but you are saving quite a bit on childcare and it will be worth it, I think.

When I was a stay at home mum I cleaned and cooked and did the childcare , it isn't that difficult to do a little everyday ! I have a big house with 4 bathrooms as well !

When I was a stay at home mum I cleaned and cooked and did the childcare , it isn't that difficult to do a little everyday ! I have a big house with 4 bathrooms as well !

He's not a stay-at-home parent though. He works 30 hours a week and does do some stuff around the house as well as looking after a toddler.

When will the toddler get her free hours? It's the term after their 3rd birthday. I'm thinking if she dropped her nap a few months ago you may not be too far off?

It sounds very tough though. Balancing housework and care of a toddler is bloody difficult, but since one of you is always working you basically have to. Does much get done in the weekday evenings?

@ElizabethMountbatten

Well done.

We teach people how to treat us and that goes for our children too.

Sadly these things do not improve on their own.

OP will once more have to find the energy and strength to get them all moving, contributing, and playing their part.

One person in a household CANNOT do it all.

Not read the rest of the thread, but it might be worth getting the kids assessed for ADHD etc. It might mean you're given treatment options that'll help their behaviour.

I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at 40. I did well at school and uni, it's mostly in things like housework etc that it's clearly manifested.

Either way, good luck xx

I wouldn't cancel Christmas, Now they have started to help. Have a chat to them about needing to help as you all need to keep your home clean and tidy. Then I would take them out for a walk/to the park/on bikes ect to burn off some energy.

When you get home let them have 30 minutes playing or watching tv. You make a list of the jobs that need doing. Then once the time is up show them the list and say lers do this together. Pick 1 job and start. So in my house i would say we are going to hoover the floor, dc1 you pick up all the toys/dog toys and put them away. Dc2 can you pick up all the wrappers/ paper /big bits and put them in the bin. Then I would hoover, get one of them to tick that job off the list and do 1 more job together and then let them have 30 minutes playing or watching tv. I have found My DC need very clear instructions and always tell them what a good job they are doing.

Not all the jobs need to be done in 1 day take it slowly and then once you have completed the list, I would start a weekly rota of jobs to keep on top of the housework.

Save jobs that the DC can do at the weekends to do and they are not allowed ro have any electric time or tv until the jobs are completed. Alwaya break down the jobs for them each rime they do it.

My DH is now a stay at home parent and I work and at the beginning he just didn't see the things that need to be done. Probably because he came from a home that was disgusting so our house always seemed clean. He now is loads better. It takes time though Rome was not built in a day.

You can do this!

If it were me I'd take time to recalibrate.

I'd think about how I want the house to run, what are in the need/want lists, who's capable of doing what, etc.
Then I'd think about how I feel with the way things arenas how I'd feel if the changes were made. And how that would impact on others - negative/positive.
And then I'd think about how I want us to communicate as a family - do I model that behaviour? What changes do I need to make? What can others do to help me? What can I do to help them?

After all that, I'd schedule a family meeting letting them know roughly what's to be discussed with plenty of notice so that others can have time for a think themselves.

At the meeting the first thing is to set rules about who can speak and when. Boundaries of respect to others. A collaborative solution is more likely to work as everyone knows the expectations.
It won't be a Disney ending in a few days but it could be your starting point.

Well done on your update, OP.

It does sound like an overload of general fraughtness - have been there, bought the T Shirt and gone back again for round two...and counting.

^ years old is young, and 8 year olds go through a weird bolshy / ME ME ME phase, IMO.

Your DH is key. He does need a serious talk about team work.

Also, lowering your standards for tidiness is always an option (my usual preferred option . Good enough is good enough, you don't need perfect if it causes stress and misery.

Try cheerful team tidying rather than threat based stuff, which mostly only makes YOU miserable.

Onwards and upwards, aided by much tea, gin and rueful laughs.

Well it seems like you have rose to the challenge and been more assertive. I wouldn’t dwell too much on your little cry, when you have a stressful job and come home to turmoil, it's quite a blow. Pity you can’t get GPs to help, they won’t cost you the earth, and won’t put up with laziness or disrespect from GC. I think you have done all the right things OP, a bit of boot up the bum for DH sounds good. Children will keep pushing at the boundaries, and testing you, this time it seems you’ve come up trumps. Happy Xmas

Totally disagree. I don't think it's normal at all for a 7 and 8 year old to be rude to their parents. Quite the opposite.
I agree with this. These kids are 6&8. The level of behaviour and disrespect is not normal for their age. If this is what they are like now I’d be worried

Just to chip in and say there’s no reason why your DH can’t stick a few loads of laundry on and hoover etc during the week.

The toddler would probably like tidying up as a game.

Just to chip in and say there’s no reason why your DH can’t stick a few loads of laundry on and hoover etc during the week

Tbh it's pretty pathetic of him not to be able to do a lot more than that.. are there any SAHMs who don't do anything other than watch a child all day?

How on earth do single parent mothers manage. When I was on maternity leave I did all the shopping, washing cooking and general running around with more than one child in tow - he's a lazy arse

Plenty of women on here manage a toddler and house work during the week. Laziness is a choice not a disability.

If they slope off watching tv again cut the plug off it. You only need to do it once.

Your DH needs to shape up. He’s living the life of Riley, whilst you’re at work

The kids sound normal tbh. Why are you chasing around, just stop and relax.
You say you have a dh at home all week, if it's not all done you are picking on the wrong people. It's not the kids fault.

He works 30hrs but gets a pretty easy ride Mon-Fri.

Op works Mon-Fri & then is looking after 3 kids plus the house!

I wouldn't cancel it. I'd think what exactly your expectations are for your family for (1) this Christmas and (2) in the New Year.
Then have a family meeting, old school Neighbours style.
Explain how you are feeling, how family life is more miserable at the minute than it needs to be, ask them how they feel (you should do this with your DH first because with two of the children at school he should be able to keep things ticking over more than he is now).
Then make lists of everyone's responsibilities, and track them.
If you still aren't happy, it may be time to look at your DH getting a standard weekday job. He will likely earn more than he does now, which could offset childcare, no one would be destroying the house in the day and you'd have some decent family time at weekends.

Cancel it and teach them a valuable lesson - you get nothing for nothing! Until they show a bit of respect and consideration then they get no privileges. Don't allow them to disrespect you like that and then reward them with gifts etc. Let them learn the hard way x