To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Marian Keyes just put up a video about surviving Christmas and taking care of yourself. I think you might find it useful in your situation:

Welcome two parenthood love . I have two kids full time on my own plus full time work , I’ve had zero nights off for six years. Tell your husband to pull himself together

Your kids sound normal to me. They're still young. Sounds like you have a stressful set up but that's not your kid's fault. Seems a bit harsh not letting them decorate the tree until they've tidied up. Your DH needs to step up. Get frustrated with him, an adult, not your kids. And try enjoy Christmas. The place doesn't need to be perfect. Sounds like you could all do with some R&R.

Make a wall chart for the kitchen..starting January 2020..tell them....new year..new regime....everyone’s name posted on it..with jobs..appropriate to age..rules..the floor is for feet and furniture..if you find anything else on the floor...(within reason )...clothes..books....throw them in the bin..A few days of that..especially if item is important to them..they will get the message..they are so used to you nagging them..it’s water off a ducks back now....& youngest child..is learning from the older kids..it’s not easy spinning all the plates..& it’s always mum..who has the lions share of the spinning to do..Good luck..🤞🏼

Me and my OH both work 5 days a week, I do all cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying up etc, I do manage to keep on top of it, but if he's home 5 days a week all the housework etc should be done for you, there is no excuse, but there is no excuse for your kids to be rude to you, especially so young!!!, I'm with you, I'd cancel and have some R&R for yourself xx

to be fair you have let this happen and it's escalated I would get them all together and make demands not if's or maybe but that's the way it is with what ever jobs you need doing, you are the one on control not them and give your husband a good kick up the ass!! he sounds pathetic! if they brake the rules then there are consequence's, confiscate and stick to what ever is till the jobs are done then they can play but not until and leave your husband a list that has to be done not maybe!! but has to be for when you get home!!

As a sahm I do everything. One just needs to manage their time effectively. By the OP's comment, DH is a lazy man!

I really feel for you. This happened to me many years ago when my 3 kids were younger. I literally lost it and screamed ‘Christmas is cancelled’ at the top of my lungs for what felt like minutes. We laugh about it now. I didn’t cancel Christmas that year and I‘m glad. Kids only have about 7 Christmases that are magic.
Could you get a cleaner in and all go out for a walk? When I say cleaner - I put a post on FB looking for someone who loved a challenge and I did point out that I didn’t mind if they moved furniture etc.
That could re-set things. Then set out a communal task list and ask each person to choose 25% of the jobs.
Good luck. Things will get better.

Dont buy junk food.
Take away all electronics for a long time.
No toys downstairs for the older ones.

Make them play in their rooms for now as they wont tidy up.

I have done it alone for nearly 8 years and work mon-fri. No help from anyone.

Your DH needs to up his game, big time.

Cancel it!!
Sounds like your family need to find out that their actions have consequences!
Stick to your guns and take no prisoners!
You need to regain some authority and respect.
I’m with you!

It sounds like things have become really negative and going down the punitive route will just make everyone miserable. You are punishing yourself as much as the children.

Think about how you can use your free time to spend quality time with the children and build up your positive interactions with them. Also develop some rewards based behaviour strategies. For example, as opposed to confiscating toys/electronics, make the DCs earn time with them throughout the week by doing their 'chores'. Each child has set list of responsibilites and by doing each one they earn screentime etc. Think about what motivates them and use it as a reward. You need to build that approach into your day to day life and only use punishments as a last resort.

Sounds like a really hard situation you're in and sure there's no quick fix but properly tackling it now will pay off massively in the future.

Children are a product of their environment and if you're clever you should be able to gently tweak the behaviour of the DCs (and DH) without too much of a big upheaval. When my lot were teeny I was more than a little chaotic when it came to housework but my then next door neighbour was totally obsessed, possibly OCD. Her eldest was at nursery with our middle one and in the afternoons after nursery, her little DD frequently came into ours and would wander about our house going "Messy, messy!" Clearly this was a phrase her mother used a lot! It made me realise that this little girl had been taught from birth to keep things clean and tidy. Your DH could make a lot of housework tasks a joint activity with your toddler, who would see it as a game at her age. Loading the washing machine, hoovering, cleaning etc. And your older ones may well hate tidying up but if you make it a team activity with a game element it may work better. How many things can you put away that are blue? start with "T"? etc. Also kids may hate tidying but they adore hoovering!

Sorry to say this but you need to lose it with this lazy bunch. They have no idea that this is your house and they are visiting in it as long as it suits you. One loud clear message ( no Xmas ) is all you will ever need do.

I was in your position 30 years ago, no support system, husband figured looking after the children was his job without the housekeeping that's attached. I went on a 24 hour strike, did absolutely nothing except looked after myself. Then I went on a bit of a rampage, all toys were put in the garage, t.v. was unplugged and only then did I get everyones attention. I explained that while I was working to provide food and clothing I actually didn't have to buy them anything else so unless they all started pulling their weight including my DH then that's all I would be buying. I then said that they could go get their stuff out if the garage if they wanted cos they wouldn't be getting anything else if things didn't change. Stunned silence was my answer before I got laughed at, I didn't react badly I just put the tree up and the decorations but left it at that. It took another 24 hours and it was difficult for me but they all started to get it. I didn't do any dishes or tidying up, I cooked when necessary but other than washing clothes that were in the baskets, (I left everything that was on the floor) I didn't do a great deal else but I had a rest (I actually read a book). The first one to take me seriously was my DH when I didn't put out , once he realised that this was for real then we had another conversation and as they say the rest is history. I would say that for the following years Christmas was the best day, and my children are in their 30s now with children of their own and they all come to Nana and Grandads house on Christmas Day for lunch and pressies. I suppose what I'm saying is that we all have a breaking point but staying calm and being the adult even if it's the last thing you want to do was the way forward for me. Good luck and I really hope you all have a lovely family Christmas. Xx

Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.

A line I've never seen anyone here say about a stay at home parent without a penis...

"Because he's a stay at home parent. His job is childcare, not cleaner, laundry maid, cook, etc.

"

kidding me?

its his job to parent and keep a decent house,then its the OP's turn at the wekeend when hes at work

actually i think the OP has a shit deal. She gets the weekend with all the kids, and he has1? but shes expected to do it all

your OH seems pretty crap op

I wouldn't cancel Xmas, but it sounds like you need some house rules aside from christmas - I'm not saying it's easy, but there is no reason they shouldn't be putting their dirty laundry in a basket, and wrappers in bins - it isn't your job to do that for them - but it is your and your partners jobs to make it that they follow the house rules, and for them to do that you have to have them - my kids are supposed to take their plates and glasses and cutlery into the kitchen after they've eaten - we all do, yes, most of the time they need reminding, but they do it. I know exactly how you feel, but I suggest trying to lower your standards to get through it with out going crazy. They can be ungrateful sods at times, but they will always remember if you cancel Christmas and I don't think that's what you want either.

So you have two days “off” a week, husband has five days “off” a week and you still have to do all the chores?

Fuck that.

You need to present a united front and that could mean changing jobs so that you at least have one day where you are both together to coral the kids.

And the kids need to start pulling their weight too.

Eat at the table, no crockery upstairs, don’t wash clothes unless they are in the hampers, don’t hand out pocket money unless jobs are done, turn off the WiFi do anything possible to get their attention.

There’s no such thing as a perfect family and what might work for one, might not work for you. But, at least you’re not yet at the stage where your son says “give me the £20 I want or I’ll trash my room, and replacing my smashed bed will cost you more than £20.
Yeah, I was there at that stage.

You sound on the edge. I’ve been there and wish I’d done things differently.
Don’t cancel Christmas - your kids will never forget that & you will always be the big bad wolf. Tonight, say stuff it, have a bath & an early night, everybody? Tomorrow, a family meeting. Tell the kids & DH you are shattered, sorry for shouting etc but you need everyone to help. You aren’t Wonder Woman & cant go on like this.
I take the electronics away, that does usually work. Then have a blitz together - pick the front room first so you can all relax there? Just an hour. Different room tomorrow.
Decorate the tree together, with music etc, hot chocolate.
Treat the holiday period as just that. A holiday together. Do something Christmassy (& free) with the kids each day? Deliver cards? Look at some lights? Walk in the woods? Make paper chains? Candle & Crib? Baking?Whatever floats your boat.
And make some time for yourself away from the house - walk, run, visit a friend, sit in the library & read.
I agree too, make some changes going forward and maybe, it it’s all too much, seek some help? Talking, counselling etc?
I screamed at mine for years, like a banshee, I was depressed but didn’t seek help. Now I have, but I can’t get that time back & relationship with DS is irreparably damaged.
DH did step up once he knew I was “broken”.
Please take some time to think about how you really feel & ask for help.
Rooting for you.
You are not being unreasonable but don’t do it.

I feel incredibly sorry for your children. They are children and it sounds like the adults are penalising them because they (adults) can't get their shit together.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for the house. If he can't do that you either pay someone to do it, he goes out to work and you get childcare or you put up with it as it is. Don't take it out on the kids.

You sound totally exhausted though, and you all deserve a break. Is there a way you can make christmas fun so you have some much needed down time as a family?

I was a Sahm for several years, housework was done, DH had none to do. Your DH should be doing that before the weekend and there needs to be a stricter routine for the dc after school around eating and cleaning up after. New Years resolution?

All food eaten at table and a list of chores.
TV and WiFi OFF until chores done.
Kids like lists and respect boundaries.
Have a family meeting and tell them what is going to happen. Then DO IT.
If your DH is home all week then you shouldn’t have to think about washing.
Get someone in to do the ironing and clean the bathroom/s.

My goodness, this must be so hard for you.
With three boys at home aged 12-17, our house is also very far from a show home.
Of course, we have to pick our battles and my OH says the boys walk around the house dropping chunks of boy everywhere, but he's far from innocent when it comes to debris trails. I've thought of getting a cleaner in but I'd be running around picking up all the debris so they could clean under it!
We have consequences for things being left 'inappropriately untidy'.

1. Anything left out at the end of the day (toys, games) get collected and put in the confiscated cupboard. If they want it back, they have to do something such as an extra chore to earn it (yesterday 12 year old vacuumed downstairs and stairs to earn back his Switch).
2. If a mess needs cleaning up, there is no ranting and nagging, we just point it out calmly and remind them nothing else will happen until it's done and done well (WiFi gets switched off, TV sockets disabled etc).
3. If anyone is rude, we respond accordingly. For example, 'I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude, but that's how it came out. Please try again using kind words.'

If we should be called stupid, we might temporarily be too stupid to drive the car and take them to their club. But you and OH need to be on the same page. If they feel he's letting you do all the domestic work, they are likely to follow his example. I don't know what your budget is like, but as you are the main wage earner, if it's viable I would suggest you gather them round and say as they are not prepared to do their share, you will be cutting back on X activities/clubs/treats etc and using the money to pay for a cleaner.

Put all the gadgets away for a couple weeks and get everyone to help sort the house out.
Too much time on gadgets can affect behaviour.

Once things are as bit cleaner and organised, give everyone chores to do.
At that age, my dcs always put their own dirty clothes in the laundry bin and tidied their rooms every evening.
When it’s done daily, it takes 5 mins to put their books and toys away.
Then they helped with any chores I gave them.
Having a list of daily tasks for everyone to do is a good idea.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

If your DH only works 2 days, he needs to do more. He could have put the tree up during the week. Send them all out so you can get the house tidy. Don't let them have their devices until they start showing you respect. I know it's easier said than done and all children are cheeky. DH needs to support you in this. Is their behaviour a bit hyper because it's Christmas? Keep Christmas as low key as possible. Have a walk on C Eve and Boxing Day. Hope everything is not too stressful for you.