To literally cancel Christmas

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Fully prepared to be told I am but here goes.
DH & I both work, me full time in a demanding, stressful job, DH part time at weekends long hours & decent money so one of us is always at work & the other has DC's. We've done this for childcare & financial reasons as no support network at all so all down to us 100% of the time (the last time we went out together without a child in tow was when I was pregnant with DC2 7 years ago).
The house is a permanent mess with us living out of washing baskets, I'm constantly chasing my tail with housework & never catch up. 2 oldest DC's (8 & nearly 7) are beyond lazy, leave wrappers lying around that inevitably end up on the floor / under furniture (doesn't matter how much we've nagged, reminded etc keeps happening), chuck dirty washing on the floor, leave scrunched up on the end of a bed / down the side of the bed (despite having a basket in their room), leave plates, cups wherever, get toys out & don't put them away. On top of this DC1 is beyond rude to me & DH, refuses to help (have to seriously loose it & confiscate all electrics to get him to help) & DC2 has always been a massive handful (overly rough in play, extremely stubborn, more you ask him to stop the more he does it / refuses to listen). Throw an active toddler in to the mix and well.... The house feels like a squat.
Things have come to a head this morning where yet again I'm spending my holiday / time off work running around like a twat trying to tidy up etc & get ready for Christmas. We got the tree out 2 weeks ago & the older DC were told we would not get decs out until they'd helped tidy the living room. The tree is still not decorated. This morning has been spent refereeing them, refusing to let DC1 just eat junk food, asking them for help to tidy up so we can enjoy the Christmas break & have some fun together which has ended with the usual refusals to help so I have taken the Xbox & tablets off them & sent them to their room. I've just come upstairs to find them watching TV in my room & when I told them that wasn't the point of them coming upstairs they have just laughed in my face like it's all a big joke. I have lost it with them, told them that they are rude, ungrateful & spoilt & that their behaviour is a disgrace.
I have sat sobbing for the last 20 minutes feeling like an utter failure in every way wondering why I bother when to be honest they really don't deserve anything, then feeling like an utter monster for feeling thinking it.

Christmas isn't being cancelled, but yesterday I was so frustrated, overwhelmed & downright exhausted I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
For those that suggested nursery, toddler doesn't yet qualify for the free hours & is still a year away from that, one of the main reasons DH & I work opposites is because of the cost of childcare.
Toddler doesn't nap in the day either unfortunately so DH has the 2 school runs to do, a toddler that is awake & on the go all day & getting older dc ready for after school activities 3 nights a week. DH also makes sure all household admin type stuff is done (bills, best deals on insurance / gas/ elec etc).
I'm going to start leaving him specific tasks to do too in the new year. At the weekend we are out half of one of the days at one of the older DC'S activities & also have homework to do ( yes they're only primary schools aged but trying to support both dc with that depending on what it is can be a bloody mission in itself )

He should be covering the full “mental load” and most of the domestic work: that’s what mums with PT weekend jobs do.

His penis isn’t an impediment to multi tasking.

Dozer no one said it is

There is an adult in your home 7 days a week, that’s better than the majority of us, your house should be pristine. Stop making excuses for your DH, a toddler and 2 school runs; poor little man. FFS how does he think mums manage?
Your 2 older DC sound rude and disrespectful, service up reward charts and limit electronics to one hour per day unless chores are complete.

• set up not service

Your older DC definitely need to do more. I'm a SP, I do mostly everything obviously and I honestly couldn't cope if my 7yr old didn't do jobs.

He will literally do whatever I ask him during the day (may huff at times but does it) in return for an hour of Youtube Kids on the evening. He and his 3yr old brother make a right royal mess and he will tidy up every single thing toy before bedtime. Or he doesn't get Youtube. He LOVES certain kids channels. He hung up all his and his brothers clothes in their shared wardrobe yesterday knowing he could watch the latest video posted.

I know it's SO easy to give into them to avoid the screaming and slamming but it does pay off after a few showdowns.

Can you use their console/devices in this way?

Lol at house being tidier with an adult (and toddler) being there daily. My house was tidiest when mine were in wrap around childcare most days and us at work- nobody to make a mess. It was a shock when older ones started secondary and were home from 4 making mess doing homework.

Then why do you think it’s your iob to manage the “mental load” and assign him tasks, especially when you WoH and earn the most? You’re overwhelmed because he’s not doing a fair share.

You are being totally unreasonable. Christmas is not something to be messed with, they would have terrible memories of that forever. Also from what you are describing they never behave and have no respect so actually they aren’t to blame as you have or it seems have not raised them. Mine quite frankly would never be so rude to me as they knew better.

They need a routine and as your husband is the stay at home parent it is up to him to enforce it
Sounds like a serious conversation needs to go in between you and your husband
Dint cancel Xmas. It’s not the kids fault there life is chaos. They are crying out for routines, structure and attention from you and your husband.
You both need to get a grip and sort it out
Sorry for being harsh

Only read the headline but YABU in your use of “literally.”

sympathise ...haven't voted .. but would say don't spoil christmas ..make this a new year resolution to sort out.

I feel for you. Both kids and husband need to take more responsibilities to look after your house. Your kids are still young, so give them small tasks such as tidying up bedrooms, prepare their bags, putting coats and shoes away once enter the house, occasionally let them do washing up and prepare food, help carrying shopping bags, ask older kids to help younger kids etc. Many parents give kids screens to keep them quiet, and do all the housework by themselves. This is a fast track to a house of lazy piggies.

I’m afraid that if you have no time when you are both off together then you have to do the chores when you are home .
Tbh as Dh is home most of the week he needs to man up a bit . There are loads of housework gurus out there like Mrs Hinch and The Organised mum . Usually these operate in a 5 day cycle so you could adapt them so you both had a ‘day off ‘

You need to get it together and realise you need to parent these kids , if they eat too much junk stop buying it . Let them earn screen time by pulling their weight .
If there is too much to clear up get rid of half their stuff .
I’m a sahm and my husband was always out of the house when my 3 were awake only seeing them
On weekends. I managed to keep them in some sort of order and on top of the chores . It’s hard depressing and boring but it needs going and if the kids see you guys doing it it will come more naturally .

Don’t cancel Xmas but scale it back a bit and focus on family time ( but never call it that or it will send them running to the hills ! )

Try and get out of the house and do some stupid fun stuff together , then sort your routine out in Tne new year .

ignore the nut jobs advising you to cancel Christmas and pour yourself a large wine and get your tree decorations up! You have years in the future to think about a tidy living room and you should enjoy your kids smiling faces on Xmas day. I sling a load of crap in the garage before Christmas and leave it there so I can make time for the charity shop later. You kids will be unhappy if your crying so try to forget the mess and make tonight fun decorating your tree xx

My husband and I do the same, we do opposite shifts from each other the manage childcare. We also have no help whatsoever. The key is to be organised. Before I leave for work the washing is set out it piles, dry stuff folded, uniforms out etc. The kids need a chart of chores- small things to help out. No chores = no xbox We both have to do the housework to keep things ticking over. My youngest is 3 and only recently started nursery so I do understand not having time but I get my little one to 'help out'. Make it fun. Make a list things that need doing daily, weekly etc so everyone knows what is expected of them. Hope you feel better

Your children are no different to most of that age
Its not easy
Get the whole family together and lay down the law about jobs to be shared
No jobs done. No pocket money
Your husband needs to support you more

What pp said.

The mess can wait.

Feeling rather bad here as I'm on maternity leave with an almost 5 month old. He is exclusively breastfed and quite attached to me still. I do manage to do the washing and cook "hob" meals, spaghetti bol, chilli, etc with him on the sling but other than that DH doesnthe rest of the housework on the weekends as I find it impossible to put him down long enough, so have sympathy for your husband.

I agree with the above suggestions of having a jobs list for each DC and having a reward chart in the New Year x

I’m a single mum of two boys. I work full
Time, manage childcare, kids activities, I’m also doing my masters at the same time.
Now I’m not saying it is easy nor am I dogging anyone’s parenting... but you best believe I would not be tolerating that shit!
I also have no support network!
I manage to clean the house, pay my bills, do the kids activities, and also look for the best electricity deals! Your justifying your husbands laziness explaining he has school runs to do and a clingy toddler! Most of us have those issues and mu home is still clean without kids throwing wrappers, leaving washing lying around or ignoring me when I lose my shit!
Get them marched upstairs and stand with them until they’re blue in the face from running around life blue ass flies getting shit done! You are not their skivvy!
And on that note... I need to give mine a list of chores.... because their room is a mess, and their washing needs putting away... and we will not be moving forward with Christmas films this evening until it’s done!
Just know that some of us also ugly cry and rock in the corner too.... that is ok!! But it’s also ok to teach your kids a lesson and demand their respect because you’re not being treated fairly at all!
Wishing you a lovely Christmas!

You poor love .. you are worn out and I’m not surprised.. dont cancel Christmas though .. you feel shit for doing that .. you need to get DH and kids organised to do a big house blitz together ... and after Xmas step up the discipline with the DC .. try and escape to the bath later with a stiff drink !!!

Remove electronics for 7 days.Reset the balance play games.Have communal tidy up and clean.They will be more grateful after that.Remind them not to drop wrappers have star chart for behaviour. Remove junk food from house then they can't nag for it.Tough love works! Happy Christmas

When the woman is a sahm they are expected to be bloody Mary Poppins but God forbid the stay at home dad should actually do some work.
Op you have a dh problem. I work part time and rest of the time I am the primary parent, I have a 9 year old and a toddler and manage to keep on top of the housework. Your dh is being a lazy sh*t and you are enabling him by letting him get away with it. And also yes do cancel Christmas. Have your kids earnt it? No. Has your husband earnt it? No.

Typical family home with typical lazy kids and DH.

You need sustainable change. If you cancel Christmas you will just be the bad guy and you will feel every inch of inch of it and your self esteem has had enough of a battering as it is.

1. what you're describing is totally normal so stop beating yourself up.

2. remove all privileges ASAP and don't give them back until you have ongoing good behaviour: finish your coffee, collect yourself then walk around the house collecting electronics and anything else that means anything and lock them up until further notice.

3. sit hubs down, thank him for being honest about not pulling his weight, acknowledge he is as tired as you are and then formulate a plan together: you need his support and he is clearly as overwhelmed as you are. Fighting each other is not the way to go.

4. get everyone together over the next 2 days and allocate them jobs: no chores, no dinner or niceties. Stick to it.

Start as you mean to go on. I'm overhauling my crew in the new year as I'm sick of their shit too.

Good luck.

I havent rtft, I've seen you say that cancelling christmas was a reaction not a reality. I would sit my family down and tell them this does not feel like christmas to me. Focus ... christmas could be clearing out the front room, getting the decs on the tree and a nice place for santa to come and you spend christmas day. Following on focus on one thing at a time, start with rubbish maybe that would drive me mad, most of our family / play space is downstairs and no food is allowed upstairs so their bedrooms stay clean but that isnt the way it works for everyone. Fortunately my oldest has been very good at rubbish in the bin, dirty washing in basket or machine, youngest not so good, but he asks me to do something for him I tell him I will when he picks the rubbish out of his room or whatever. Piles of toys / stuff brought home from school all over the place but you know what is acceptable to you and work at that one thing at a time. Good luck.