Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
spingly · 21/12/2019 12:09

Eh? Gyms have managers too!

Exactly!

So he is a good employee, does a bit extra, he gets promoted to manager. He then maybe wants to move job away from 24 hour work and become a manager in another sector.

He's got experience of managing can get a better job thru his experience etc.

But instead Op wants him stuck in a 24 hour job and not reach management level and just stay in a no prospect job .... way to go OP!

Oblomov19 · 21/12/2019 12:09

I agree with OP.
He's only junior. He isn't paid a senior managers salary, so this level of commitment shouldn't be expected.

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 12:11

There are jobs where long hours and 24/7 availability are expected such as training to be a solicitor or a management consultant or junior doctor. However the expectation is that commitment will result in a big salary in the future. Can't see this being the case here, so why is OPs DH expected to work for free ?

Instatwat · 21/12/2019 12:11

🙄 Because it’s all about the money and nothing to do with taking a career (any career) seriously. Also, did I miss the part where he had to triage a medical emergency ?! He responded to a couple of messages TWO HOURS after the incident occurred; he was not asked to rush down there and use his own car as an ambulance and tear off his t shirt to use as a tourniquet!

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 12:19

Instatwat well I'd like to think that his employers were only contacting him outside his paid hours for something that was a genuine emergency, even worse if they're just ringing him up because the alarm went off or something minor.

A job would have to be pretty well paid for me to be expected to take calls at night and go into my place of work outside normal hours on a regular basis. At the very least the person should get a flat rate call out payment.

MaybeDoctor · 21/12/2019 12:35

Life is too short and work takes up too much of it for most people.

I only work outside working hours if I want to do so or feel it is essential at that point in time.

Unless your job title contains the words Director, Partner, Chief or Consultant Surgeon/Physician then you shouldn’t need to be ‘on-call’ without being remunerated or rostered to do so.

tallulahhulah1 · 21/12/2019 12:37

What does the OP do as a job? As that sounded a bit snobby

I work in marketing and not saying I'm on call 24/7 but I look after a lot of global accounts. Which means time zones are not my friend in dealing with my clients campaigns. So can be on my phone late at times.

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 12:39

I totally agree with Doctor

I earn around £50k and would never have my work phone on outside working hours. Neither do my manager (£60k) or senior manager (£70k) although they do both have my personal mobile to use in absolute emergencies, which has never happened. Most people where I work leave their work mobiles in their desk drawer when they go home or on holiday, unless they are not going to be based in the office on their next working day.

No wonder so many people are so stressed.

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 12:43

Oh and promotion wise, the person who upsells or translates most gym visits into membership will be the one promoted to manager. Naive to think otherwise.

Beansandcoffee · 21/12/2019 12:56

Blimey complete over reaction.

At my park run last week we had a medical incident and the key volunteers had to stay until it had been sorted out - approximately 2 extra hours over our normal volunteer hours. That was for free. Sometimes these things happen. At work I am on an emergency call out rota and I work in finance.

Just cool down. Not often I feel sorry for a DP or H but on this occasion I do. You sound like a control freak.

StanleyWalkersThirdWife · 21/12/2019 13:00

YANBU for being annoyed when his work impacts on home life. YABU for taking it to the extreme that you're in the spare room because hes responded to messages.

MarySidney · 21/12/2019 13:30

....if they're just ringing him up because the alarm went off or something minor.

Someone has to go and turn off the alarm and check the premises. If someone's a keyholder, it's part of the job.

adaline · 21/12/2019 14:54

even worse if they're just ringing him up because the alarm went off or something minor.

But someone has to go in and switch the alarm off and make sure everything is okay. If you're a key-holder that's part of your job!

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 14:58

Have you got 17 toddlers? Why can’t you manage bedtime alone? Confused

SpicyRibs · 21/12/2019 15:04

Yes he is being a self important fun sponge
Not sure if serious.

YABU, you were the one who spoiled the night with your overreaction
This

steff13 · 21/12/2019 15:39

Did the OP clarify her husband's role at the gym? If he's the manager of that particular location, then of course he's been to be consulted in an emergency.

steff13 · 21/12/2019 15:39

He'd need. 😒

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/12/2019 18:45

I don’t think I’m “stupidly inane” I have a Master’s

So do some of the stupidest people I know. You can't use that as a measure of intelligence.

spingly · 21/12/2019 18:57
  • I don’t think I’m “stupidly inane” I have a Master’s

So do some of the stupidest people I know. You can't use that as a measure of intelligence.*

Totally agree and I think @PlomBear has already proved that with the "Ive got a masters, don't you know, so I am considerably more intelligent than you"!

GrinGrin

Shinyletsbebadguys · 21/12/2019 19:07

I must admit OP post has made me think a bit. If I'm honest I was initially a bit irritated because I struggle with people who are militant about not giving a single extra second to worl out if a misplaced feeling of being taken for granted. They seem to really misunderstand the intricacies of reasonable support either side of both the employee and employer and always seem to be the one banging the drum about work maltreatment when it's really not.

However it made me think again because DP and I have always been on the same page. We have always done jobs that for whatever reason require on call work or times where we step in and resolve an incident out of hours in very senior roles. We now both very recently have switched to roles that dont require this. However I did suddenly wonder how it would impact of one partner was in a role like this and one wasn't.

In my relationship it would be odd for the other to take offence , and would be so put of character it would result in a serious conversation but then we both know the offshoot for us has been worl we can fit around childcare so to be honest it works. However i can actually imagine if you are mismatched in views on work times it could genuinely be quite disturbing.

I do think sleeping in the spare room is over the top and I dont buy for a second it's to have peace and quiet , it's to make a point. However of your dynamic with your partner has changed , or you are simply mismatched in terms of work ethic view it's quite a big thing to have a problem with.

BackforGood · 21/12/2019 19:30

It sounds like the gym needs better procedures and a dedicated contact person during the night hours. It sounds quite risky. Someone could be working out alone and fall ill, or there could be a danger from other gym users. I’m surprised they allow this.

I'd agree with this ^

However

This comment (and other similar ones) just show how there are so many people that seem unable to grasp the concept that other people are different from themselves - in this case, other people's jobs are different from theirs.
I earn around £50k and would never have my work phone on outside working hours. Neither do my manager (£60k) or senior manager (£70k) although they do both have my personal mobile to use in absolute emergencies, which has never happened. Most people where I work leave their work mobiles in their desk drawer when they go home or on holiday, unless they are not going to be based in the office on their next working day.

My ds earns £15K, as a lifeguard. They work as a team. If someone else has a probelm, then they will ask their colleagues for help. As a generally nice bunch of people, then, if someone can suggest a solution whilst staying in their home and just replying to a text or whatsapp message, then, oddly enough, they help each other out. You know, treating other people as they would like to be treated themselves. Not sure why this is difficult for some people to understand.

To people asking what we did before mobile phones - we had to 'be present' at work and didn't have the privilege of being able to work flexibly / sit at home and help out that is available now.

MarySidney · 21/12/2019 21:41

My dad was a keyholder for his emp!oyers' premises, which were in various places around London. Since mobile phones hadn't been invented, he might be called on our home phone if there was a problem which required a keyholder to attend. This might happen on a weekend or Bank Holiday. It didn't happen often, but it did happen, and it was just part of the job.

Macandcheeseplease · 21/12/2019 23:02

@sandragreen well good for you! Do you expect everyone else to follow suit? Salary is not an indicator of whether you might be on call or not. Industry or job role are a more accurate indicator. What is it that you do for £50k without the requirement for on all responsibilities, is it the same or a similar industry to the OP's DH?

mauvaisereputation · 21/12/2019 23:24

Pick your battles OP. If he were on his phone messaging work every evening and it was affecting everyone, then you'd have a right to say something. But it sounds like this is a one-off. Flying off the handle because he sent some messages at 11.30 is controlling and unacceptable imo. I reckon you're a bit drunk. I think you should apologise in the morning.

DowntownAbby · 21/12/2019 23:40

I’m livid

Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work?

So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

Should we be ‘owned’ by our employers and provide a 24/7 service

This doesn’t sit comfortably with me and have decided to retreat to the spare bed to rest and not be disturbed

I don't really know where to begin with this other than to say you sound like a right fanny, as we might say in Yorkshire. Your partner has dealt with a work issue out of hours, which you admit is a rare occurrence, and it's like the world is ending.

You need to pull yourself together. Fuck knows how you'd cope if something that was actually significant happened.

Your poor DP.