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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 21/12/2019 08:50

I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

Get a grip, for fucks sake.

huuskymam · 21/12/2019 08:51

Huge over reaction for an emergency. At 11.30 at night what exactly was ruined, do you need another person to help you put the kids to bed. This sounds like an exception, cut the man some slack. Sleeping in another room is way OTT.

My Dh is in a managerial position on shift work. He would finish at 7am, get some sleep and then be up by 2. His phone and emails would be non stop. He could switch off his phone till his next shift, but then he'd have a ton more issues to deal with. Hes even taken a call while we were hiking half way up a mountain.

AnnaMagnani · 21/12/2019 08:56

I think he needs to confirm with his management what emergency response they are expecting when he is not at work and has had a drink.

Either he has a work phone because he is on call - and that attracts some sort of payment and he isn't drinking.

Or he's not at work, can relax and get on with his evening.

Because they seem to expect more than just finishing a few emails at home. Someone who has rightly gone out, enjoyed their evening and had a few pints isn't in a position to be doing any sort of work.

I work in healthcare and you wouldn't touch work after one drink, let alone 5 pints.

teentree · 21/12/2019 08:59

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I'm trying to work out what impact this had on your DC bedtime? Unless there is a massive drip feed coming?

Also you seem to think he shouldn't answer messages because he has had 5 pints, yet he should be putting the DC to bed?

Either way the whole things was a huge over reaction. It's ok for him to respond to her from work if he so chooses. I would, because I'm a nosey bitch and would want to know ex what was going on Grin

LoveNote · 21/12/2019 09:00

Did management ask him to be involved and sort it out?

Or was he just interested and supporting colleagues?

ALemonyPea · 21/12/2019 09:07

How old are your DC? If it had an impact on their bedtime at 11:30pm, I'm assuming not toddler age? After 5 pints, I'd not have wanted my DH to put the DC to bed, whatever their age.

You're overreacting, it's not as if he was doing this at the party. He waited until he got home.

Grafittiqueen · 21/12/2019 09:07

YABU, you were the one who spoiled the night with your overreaction.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/12/2019 09:09

Presumably he's the most senior member of staff at the gym? How do you know what his contract does and doesn't say? You'll probably find he is contractually obliged you be contactable.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/12/2019 09:09

Wait a second... you went to sleep in the spare room out of anger for him responding to crisis messages from work at half 11 at night?

You sound ridiculously controlling and like a toddler who hasn’t got their own way.

onioncrumble · 21/12/2019 09:10

I'm glad I don't work with the OP. We respond all the time, luckily all male engineers and all Muslim so never pissed. I would never employ someone like this in my team.

cheesewitheverything · 21/12/2019 09:10

I think it's perfectly reasonable to respond to work out of hours when there has been some emergency or an unusual event that you need to know about or respond to. The fact that he doesn't earns high salary has nothing to do with it - taking responsibility and playing your part in a team is important, and is the sort of thing you need to do in some jobs to rise through the ranks of the organisation. I feel sorry for him. YABVU

BlueSuffragette · 21/12/2019 09:12

Feel sorry for your DH. You massively over reacted. Maybe in the coldight of day you'll realise that now?

madcatladyforever · 21/12/2019 09:23

Yes he is being a self important fun sponge.
He doesn't need to be messaging work non stop when he is out of work.
You have a right to a family life and this would piss me right off too. Anyway he shouldn't be giving advice to anyone after 5 pints, if anything went badly wrong and they found out he'd been drinking it would be chips for him.
I can't understand people on here who are saying YABU, if your private time is constantly being eroded by work it could lead to divorce eventually. Work life balance is so important.

RandomlyChosenName · 21/12/2019 09:23

If you’re a manager, it is not unreasonable to contact you if there has been a major emergency at work - ie it’s on fire. But you shouldn’t be the only one to be contact.

But no one should be doing routine stuff 24/7 - that is really unhelpful. If there is that much work, then more staff should be employed.

For the OP situation, the gym should have an on call rota for when they are unstaffed. There should be a dedicated person who the CCTV people can call. This person should keep their work phone on and with them and should be within travelling distance of the gym and should not be drinking. They should be paid for this and be on a rota so that everyone can switch off, go on holiday and breaks and be able to relax and drink. If the gym doesn’t have this, it is very dangerous- as proved here as OPs husband didn’t respond for 2 hours and was then unable to help as he had been drinking. Unless he was meant to be on call..?

PuppyMonkey · 21/12/2019 09:24

I don’t understand tbh. We’re they asking him to come in and he was simply telling them he couldn’t because he’d been drinking.

And they probably just said “okay thanks, we’ll try Gary instead.”

If so, it’s surely not that terrible? As a one-off incident.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/12/2019 09:26

I'm glad I don't work with the OP. We respond all the time, luckily all male engineers and all Muslim so never pissed. I would never employ someone like this in my team.

Oh wow. Do you have any more discriminatory requirements when recruiting?

FYI I know lots of Muslims who drink.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 21/12/2019 09:28

What a total over reaction.

adaline · 21/12/2019 09:30

He doesn't need to be messaging work non stop when he is out of work.

Except he wasn't.

He had a nice evening out with his family, had a few drinks, got home and responded to a few text messages.

It's hardly non-stop contact, is it?

SimonJT · 21/12/2019 09:37

So because your husband answered a few messages you purposely ruined the evening and decided to sulk in the spare room.

So you’re controlling and manipulative.

Lovely.

PaperbackBlighter · 21/12/2019 09:56

Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell

Given the gym is not staffed over night, that person is a customer. They may have had a heart attack or some serious issue. Or they could have injured themselves.
This requires urgent management so what do you expect the gym company to do?
“Sorry you’ve had a stroke but hold on and we’ll have somebody in at 8am”?

An incident could have longer term repercussions for the company in terms of insurances claims. These things need to be managed ASAP.

My job often contacts me out of hours if there’s an issue. I’m salaried so don’t get overtime.
Similarly, I’ve had many occasions where I’ve gotten a call in relation to a sudden family illness etc and I’ve had to leave the office. It’s swings and roundabouts.

I think you’re being hugely unreasonable in relation to your husband. He’s been a conscientious worker, and you’re sulking in the spare room because you’d never have to do it in your job. Just remember, where you work, there are likely to be occasional out of hours incidents too, but it’s someone else who’s picking up the slack on them.

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 10:19

He doesn't need to be messaging work non stop when he is out of work.

But he wasn't, @madcatladyforever. He didn't even look at his phone till the evening was over, and when OP posted they'd only been back around 40 minutes.

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 10:21

if your private time is constantly being eroded by work it could lead to divorce eventually.

And, again, this is irrelevant. OP cites precisely one other instance of anything similar happening.

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/12/2019 10:26

Is it just me or does 90% of the population go absolutely crazy over sensitive at Christmas?! It’s like people are determined to sabotage it for themselves.

vassdal · 21/12/2019 10:30

What is his role at the gym? It sounds like he could be the manager otherwise it wouldn't be head office contacting him.
You've avoided saying what his role is. You'd get different responses depending on whether he was the manager with sole responsibility for that particular gym or he was a fitness trainer at the gym or in some kind of admin role.

In an emergency like this you'd fully expect head office to contact the manager to inform him.

I think you have overreacted. The evening was over. He didn't spend the whole evening checking his phone to see if something was going on at work like my ex used to do (and this was incredibly annoying). Once you got home he checked his phone and there had been an incident to deal with. You made a drama out of this. It would have been better if you'd just let him get on with it, put the kids to bed and then gone to bed yourself.

Maybe DH does need to clarify what happens in an emergency like this and who is on call etc. If it happens regularly and he is disturbed regularly late at night there should be other procedures in place - but if it happens a couple of times and year and he is the manager then it's not really a big problem is it?

tallulahhulah1 · 21/12/2019 10:34

My goodness sleeping in the spare room was a tad dramatic. Not sure how that helped the situation any better.