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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
Horehound · 21/12/2019 10:39

So would you prefer he ignore the messages and looks bad to his employer? If it were your work would you have ignored it?

I think you are being very dramatic. "Fun sponge" "owned by employers" "no right to a life?" ffs get a grip.

Horehound · 21/12/2019 10:43

It's a shit work attitude to be like "I only work my exact hours and nothing more" with a cats bum face which is how the op comes across.
No one likes that person!

OneKeyAtATime · 21/12/2019 10:45

There are some jobs (high up, managerial) where it is expected to work outside 'normal' 9-5 hours but working at a gym does not feel like one of them. You say he has a work phone though. Is he high up?or is it part of his contract to he reachable at certain times?

spingly · 21/12/2019 10:55

@madcatladyforever did you actually read the OP first post or just see the words man, phone and drink, he is in the wrong, totally?

He wasn't on his phone constantly, why did you say he was?

The incident was two hours previously so his advice was not needed for the patient, unless They'd been left for two hours which I am sure they were not.

The fact he was as you so delightfully put it "pissed" is irrelevant, the OP was happy with that so it's not up to you to worry about it.

Honestly, when people come on and just make up ridiculous lies to make sure the person they don't like ( outlying men) he just negates anything they have to say.

Op has been handed her arse on a plate by the sensible on here, she won't be back I'm sure.

spingly · 21/12/2019 10:56

*normally men

Dontunderestimateme · 21/12/2019 11:07

I am surprised by the responses on this thread. Being that absorbed by work messages at 1130 at night for anything other than a real emergency seems excessive. If there was nothing he could do, and he wasn't on call, I don't see why he needed to be involved, and I can see why you were annoyed OP.

Just because lots of people are willing to be available to be contacted by work 24/7 doesn't make it right or healthy.

PlomBear · 21/12/2019 11:11

Remember the days before mobile phones were invented? Now everybody is on call 24/7 to their place of work.

It’s a job in a gym, not a neurosurgery role.

spingly · 21/12/2019 11:18

@PlomBear things change, the world changes, previously no 24 hours gyms existed.

It's such a stupidly inane comment "what did we do without phones" I expect the same could be said for cards, the postal system, the computer, the life support machines. Technology has changed the world and we need to accept that.

ZenNudist · 21/12/2019 11:22

That's horrible to go off to the spare room and you spoil the end of the night just because he had some kind of contact with work. Unless there's some kind of backstory to this you're being totally unreasonable. I imagine he enjoys working in the gym and wants to give the job his best. Being this kind of proactive person will probably help an advance in the job anyway

PlomBear · 21/12/2019 11:30

spingly, that’s your view and you are welcome to it. I don’t think I’m “stupidly inane” I have a Master’s. 🤪

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 11:36

Zennudist I'm not sure what sort of advancement opportunities there are in a keep the prices as low as possible 24/7 gym, If he worked in Sports Direct for example would you be as keen for him to be unpaid on call 24/7 ?

OP you know this will be worse in January when loads of folks who haven't exercised for years will be doing damage to themselves.

Gym needs to decide if it's genuinely unmanned outside core hours or not. If there is an expectation that a member of staff comes in when there is a medical issue, then I simply don't understand why people think they shouldn't be paid for that as they are on low wages. Also need to have a rota so people know they can't drink when on call.

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 11:38

His work phone should be off when he is not at work.

WorriedAboutMom · 21/12/2019 11:40

I think this issue would make an interesting research paper e.g. "The relationship between the increase in the rates of mental health, divorces and the 24/long hours work culture in modern Britain".

northernknickers · 21/12/2019 11:45

I am genuinely struggling to understand how this ruined your evening! He answered a few emails at 11.30pm? How long could that have taken? 10 minutes?

It's not like he got a call at the start your evening, and then had to rush off to deal with it! You'd already HAD your evening 🤷‍♀️

You need to chill out! Ridiculous overreaction 🙄

TheFaerieQueene · 21/12/2019 11:51

It’s a good thing you aren’t married to my DH. We have had to cancel holidays because of work. He had to miss an important family event because he was a 12 hour flight away working. A few emails in the evening is not even noticed in the house.

Treesthemovie · 21/12/2019 11:54

Op some people believe you should dedicate your life to your job and do work outside your paid/contracted hours, I'm not one of them, my attitude is if you're not being paid to do it you don't do it, it's a job. To those posters, ffs if you died tomorrow your work have you replaced in days. Bow down to our capitalist overlords eh.

It would really piss me off too if I'd had a lovely evening with my partner then we went home together and he sat answering emails or messages from his boss. Fuck that.

Instatwat · 21/12/2019 11:54

It’s my birthday today and DH has had to go into work to sort out a fuckup. I appreciate how hard he works and admire his commitment. Maybe worth re-evaluating what it means to be married to someone motivated, who takes their work seriously?

HE didn’t spoil the night by responding to a few messages, YOU did, by overreacting and sending him to the spare room. Poor guy! Probably feels like he can’t do anything right!

spingly · 21/12/2019 11:55

I have a masters does not mean you can't be stupidly inane, I would've thought someone with a masters would've know that! Grin

Instatwat · 21/12/2019 11:55

Unexpectedly, I should say. It’s a Mon-Fri job usually so I did expect to spend the day with him!

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2019 11:56

What did people do 20 years ago before we all had phones?

We had pagers Confused.

victorioussponges · 21/12/2019 11:59

@PlomBear It’s a job in a gym, not a neurosurgery role.

But right now it's not just "a job in a gym", is it? It's responding to someone potentially having been very unwell (cardiac event, serious trauma). Working quickly to understand what has happened, inform hospital, insurers, make sure there's no harm to others. Is any of that less important or urgent than neurosurgery? Bizarre comparison.

adaline · 21/12/2019 12:01

There are some jobs (high up, managerial) where it is expected to work outside 'normal' 9-5 hours but working at a gym does not feel like one of them.

Eh? Gyms have managers too!

Instatwat · 21/12/2019 12:07

Oh such job snobbery going on! So what if it’s “just a gym job”?! Great that he’s taking it seriously - that’s how you climb the ranks and get yourself into a more favourable position! Jeez...

rookiemere · 21/12/2019 12:08

Even if he is the gym manager he won't be on a great salary. Certainly not enough to perform the role and be on call 24/7 or to be expected to triage a medical emergency.

SarahNade · 21/12/2019 12:08

OP, what do you mean by 'fallen ill'? Like someone had too much to drink and spewed all over the equipment? Because that would be the cleaner's job. It depends on what 'fallen ill' refers to, but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I mean, he just works there, he's not the owner. What the eff can he do about anything at 11:30pm at night, and why can't they inform him first thing when he goes back in the next morning? If I were him, I'd be answering, "so? So what do you expect me to do about it at 11:30pm at night?"

It's really hard to say unless you tell us exactly what 'fallen ill' means, but even then, calling someone about it that late at night seems ridiculous, and I too, would be in the spare room if Mr Nade decided to ask how high when he was commanded to jump at fucking midnight. I really don't understand how anyone can think you are being unreasonable. Even remotely. You sound completely normal to me. Rational and sane. There is nothing he can do at that time of night, so why not notify him when he arrives for work? I'd be ropeable. And if DH didn't set some boundaries, he'd be sleeping in the spare room!

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