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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s job...is this reasonable?? AIBU????

276 replies

AIBUtonight · 21/12/2019 00:17

DP works for a 24/7 gym, contracted hours... his shift finished at 6.00pm tonight.

Tonight my DP, DC and I have been out to a Christmas party. Brilliant night, the sort of night that makes you feel good about everything. However, having got home at 11.30pm, I noticed that he’s distracted by his ‘work’ phone. Turns out there’s been an incident in the gym, someone has become unwell.

This immediately impacted on putting DC to bed (he’s too busy reading messages) and feels compelled to respond to messages... yet he’s had five pints; we’ve been out!

I’m livid, but AIBU? My question to him was what can he do, right now? He’s over the limit so can’t go in to work to assist in any way. The message came in two hours previously. Do we not have a right to a life outside of his work? So much for a bit of ‘fun’ tonight, total turn-off and complete ‘fun-sponge’.

He sees no harm, sees that it’s part of the role, yet IMO he doesn’t get paid anywhere near a 24/7 wage. It wasn’t long ago that a Sunday night was impacted in similar circumstances, he’s working across Christmas and New Year and I feel like his responding at 11.30pm has facilitated this further by confirming he’s at their beck and call 24/7.

I work full-time too, but I instill boundaries so that my work doesn’t affect our family time. I am that cross that I am in the spare room tonight, I literally don’t want to be a part of this!

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 22/12/2019 00:04

Oh my days! Let him deal with this.
You sound like your time is more precious than his. Cut him some slack.

ahmadsmom2015 · 22/12/2019 18:04

Sometimes there are real emergencies and people need to be contacted out of hours but yes boundaries need to be instilled otherwise work will think he can work 24/7 and then it in to that as well

FelicisNox · 22/12/2019 18:39

YANBU to be fed up but YABVU in terms of overreaction.

Discuss boundaries and accept there will be compromises.

I'm not management but I manage my role and I'm the only one who does it so occasionally I need to interact with my colleagues outside of work.

You didn't clarify if he was management... if not, he needs that conversation with his bosses because they should not be bothering him if they are not paying him for the role.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2019 18:46

Oh the drama OP!

At what point do you switch off though? Should we be ‘owned’ by our employers and provide a 24/7 service whilst being contracted to work (and indeed be paid) a set number of hours per week?

Rather than being 'owned' by a DP who massively overreacts to a few texts going back and forth?

I know which I'd prefer

OverByYer · 22/12/2019 18:48

Get a grip OP

cuppycakey · 22/12/2019 19:09

I can't see where the OP says her DH is contracted to be on call. I read it as he hadn't turned his phone off and it was more of a gossipy chat about what had happened at work.

I agree with PP - unless you are paid to be on call then you really shouldn't be interrupting precious family time with work shit.

SpaceCadet4000 · 22/12/2019 19:12

Sleeping in a different room is a huge overreaction. You had a fun night, you got home, he had to deal with something. End of.

Were you drinking too? This sounds like the kind of thing I'd get upset over when I used to drink and then I'd see the light in the morning. I don't drink anymore.

MissConductUS · 22/12/2019 19:35

If he has a salaried position you've massively overreacted.

Mydogmylife · 22/12/2019 21:02

Sorry op, another on the side of DH here, total overreaction on your side.

manicmij · 22/12/2019 22:51

The gym is open 24/7. Does DP have total responsibility for these hours. Is his role that of manager, health & safety etc. Surely there will be someone else with responsibility when DP is off duty. Or is it one of those walk in gyms. If it is then I can understand why he becomes concerned when incidents occur. Going in (but not driving obviously) would depend on how affected he is with alcohol as to decision making ability.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 22/12/2019 23:22

I earn around £50k and would never have my work phone on outside working hours. Neither do my manager (£60k) or senior manager (£70k) although they do both have my personal mobile to use in absolute emergencies, which has never happened. Most people where I work leave their work mobiles in their desk drawer when they go home or on holiday, unless they are not going to be based in the office on their next working day.

My husband earns 50k and doesn't work a second over his contracted hours. Neither do I. Actually, if he was the "permanently on-call, can't switch off" type, I wouldn't have married him. We both have a similar attitude to work-life balance (life>work, work pays for life) so over our dead body would we be answering work emails outside of work hours. Unless someone was actually dying.

Which they could have been in the gym. Sleeping in spare room is a bit of an overreaction, but I think it's a bit sad that working 24/7 is seen as normal and some sort of badge of honour these days.

Sb74 · 22/12/2019 23:29

Not read all the thread sorry. To trying to stir but are you sure he was telling the truth? Sounds a bit strange to me. Why would head office be contacting him at that time? Are you sure he’s not got another woman?

Sb74 · 22/12/2019 23:30
  • that was not trying to stir
BackforGood · 22/12/2019 23:41

BUt @ItIsWhatItIsInnit.

Nobody is talking about working 24/7.
Even the OP - who is the one having a rant - conceded that he doesn't normally work when he is not 'at work'.
I say once again - is it really beyond your ability to grasp that we all do different jobs, in different circumstances, and, just because in your job it is fine to switch your phone off and let anything wait until your next working day, that doesn't translate* to every other job there is in the world.
Why is that so difficult for you to understand ? Confused

Sb74 · 22/12/2019 23:47

It’s all very well people criticising those that work outside of hours but sometimes jobs require it. I work in a professional job and sometimes I work at home in the evenings. I get paid well and it’s just how it is. It’s a flexible job so I make it work around my family. If it wasn’t for people who are prepared to go above and beyond where would the world be? I can’t stand the attitude of those that switch off exactly on time and will not budge despite needs of the job.

However, I am not convinced the OPs dh is one of those people. I don’t believe his story. I think he’s probably cheating on her. People that cheat are great at cover stories.

pusscat1 · 23/12/2019 01:24

I can completely understand that it’s annoying but unfortunately a lot of jobs to require some work outside of the normal working hours. My husband is a lawyer and we have this sort of thing a lot. We once had an entire weekend at centre Parcs nearly taken over by a problem that had occurred at work while he was out of the office. I was getting a bit grumpy with him but he explained that if he wasn’t able to sort the issue out and just left it he’d be thinking about it and being stressed the whole time we were there so it would be ruined anyway. Sadly sometimes some jobs do encroach on family time but I do grant you that it is a bit annoying x

Aridane · 23/12/2019 04:15

Reading this, I do wonder if some posters have ever had a job I. Recent times and / or dislike their partners with some intensity that they are projecting onto the OP

Creepster · 23/12/2019 04:18

That is why a properly organized business has duty officers and shift supervisors and people on call.
However, not even the best organized business can resist the workaholic who needs to always be in the loop.

Aridane · 23/12/2019 04:20

I wonder if this is one of those situations that you have to live to understand.
My DH kept his work phone on him and responded to messages/calls at all hours and it had a massive impact on our family.
It meant that he was never disconnecting from work and connecting to our family life.
He was not in a job where this was required.
So for me OP, I get it.

Except this isn’t the OP’s position.

The husband had his phone off all evening and only looked at it when he got home and then did some emails.

If anyone/ anything is disrupting family life, it’s OP with her tantrum and flouncing

Aridane · 23/12/2019 04:26

Yes he is being a self important fun sponge.
He doesn't need to be messaging work non stop when he is out of work.

Except he wasn’t. And fun sponge and OP had a lovely evening out (until she had her tantrum)

Aridane · 23/12/2019 04:51

His work phone should be off when he is not at work

Where I work, we all have work phones, irrespective of status/ pay - though you can co-opt to use personal one (which I chose not to). There is an automated text messaging system for company wide emergencies and/ or where all staff need to be made known of something simultaneously. (It’s also really helpful for work - eg bunking off early while still being able to keep an eye on emails Grin - and for the “reasonable amount” Wink of app personal usage we’re allowed)usage

So - no - you don’t need to have your work phone switched off. Up to you though how you chose to deploy it after hours. Sounds like the husband got it right. Ie phone switched off / not looked at during night out and only after conclusion of night out

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 08:46

Not sure if a comment on disliking partners was aimed at me for my suggestion of infidelity? But no, I’m very happy in my marriage, I have a lot of life experience as many have and it doesn’t add up at all. Why would a junior member of staff be contacted repeatedly by head office from 9.30pm to 11.30pm by text? Head office staff probably leave at 5pm. I’ve seen this kind of bullshit before. The op and pps need to wake up to the fact that it’s suspicious and smacks of an affair. Very foolish to dismiss his behaviour as part of his job. He is junior. He would not be contacted like this. If it was an emergency he would receive a phone call not repeated texts. I don’t get why the op and others are buying this crap?

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:04

Also, if the incident happened at 9.30 surely it would have been sorted out way before 11.30 therefore no need for further communication yet he was texting someone?...

Sb74 · 23/12/2019 09:22

Also, cctv apparently picked up someone being unwell? So the person must have collapsed or something for cctv to pick this up, a bit of a headache etc wouldn’t be obvious on camera. Surely cctv people called an ambulance if this was the case and called the staff member on call. Surely the cctv people would know who is on call at each branch? It’s a load of rubbish op.

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2019 09:30

I doubt they were getting in touch to tell him to arrange medical help, more to let him know about the incident. There will be accident forms to complete and depending on what happened they may need to start an investigation.

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