Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think DP should make more of an effort.

110 replies

HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:36

I've been with DP 12 years. We have 3 kids (11, 6 and 4)

He's a SAHD and I work full time, out of the house 7-7.
I did my last day at work for the year yesterday.

DP can be very lazy. Housework is never to an acceptable standard. I mention it time and time again, yet I still end up scrubbing the house whenever I'm off.
It isn't filthy, but it isn't clean either. It's frustrating that this falls to me.

He "forgets" appointments. I remind him every day of what he has coming up.for the day. I'm basically his PA.

He will complain about making me a meal when I come home from work, or if I make something the night before to be heated up (cottage pie etc) he never leaves me any.
So a lot of the time I turn to takeaway.
Which he is quite happy with as he is the one who suggests this a lot of the time.

I want to lose weight (need to) I am almost 17st. He moans at me for wanting this. He is also extremely overweight at 19st 8lbs. He doesn't see a problem with this.

I am autistic and I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I'm also suffering from severe depression and psychosis with auditory hallucinations.
Yet still the majority of being a grown up falls to me. It's so bloody frustrating.

And it's half past 8 and he's in bed, fast asleep while I try and spend some time with the 11 year old, and the 6 year old has a raging temperature and is throwing her little guys up.

Now, I know this is a difficult time of year for him. His brother hanged himself on boxing Day 4 years ago, and the family had to turn off the life support machine on the 30th.

But I am really fucking struggling right now.
AIBU to think he should try a bit bloody harder, and take some of the pressure off me?

I'm sorry if this is a bit scrambled. I'm trying to type while soothing the poorly one.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsABadger · 20/12/2019 20:39

He should try harder. He’s not doing an equal amount of work to you Wine that’s really shit of him

BigFatLiar · 20/12/2019 20:39

Could be simply lazy, could be depressed

Sparklesocks · 20/12/2019 20:40

Sounds difficult. Have you had a frank conversation about it all with him?

noneedtoberudedear · 20/12/2019 20:41

He sounds utterly useless!
How has he ended up a SAHD when he doesn’t do any of the work that should go with the territory?
I’m sorry to hear of your mental health problems. It sounds like this guy is just adding to them! Is he hands on with the DC?

PepePig · 20/12/2019 20:41

Is there a reason he isn't working? Surely your kids are old enough that he could work p/t at least?

It doesn't matter who is the stay at home parent, male or female. If your kids aren't babies/young toddlers, then the housework, cooking, appointments etc should fall to you. Esp if you have kids in school. What else do you do every day, otherwise?

I'd tell him he needs to step up or get a job. You can look at reducing your hours and being at home more if he isn't going to do it. You do it anyway, so you might as well work less and do it, too. Or you be the SAHP.

CakeandCustard28 · 20/12/2019 20:43

Sounds lazy. I can understand this time of year but what’s his excuse for the rest of the year?

Mrskeats · 20/12/2019 20:43

Why is he a sahd when kids are in school?
Surely he has all day to clean?

Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 20:44

Has he spoken to a professional about his db? It must be hard seeing the dc with siblings when his db is dead..
Imo...
My dh is a sahp and I work and I do understand your frustration at the 'state' of your home....
My dh pulls a lot more weight but doesn't have a back story to his mh.
I do sympathise with yours...
Imo nobody to blame but lots of conversing necessary in the new year.

fedup21 · 20/12/2019 20:45

He sounds like he isn’t doing his job very well.

What does he say when you say, ‘I cooked tonight’s meal for us last night-why haven’t you left me any?’

What are his career plans?

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:47

bigfatliar oh I don't doubt for a second he is depressed. But the point is I am struggling. I literally have a voice telling me to end it all. But he's still not very helpful. And is lazy too. Laziness and depression aren't opposite ends of a spectrum. You can be both.

He loves the kids and does try to be involved with them, but to be honest the kids prefer my company.
He isn't a natural when it comes to playing and stories. He does try though.

He's a SAHD because he was only working part time on a zero hours contract, and I got a job on a full time contract which paid much better, so it was a no brainer, as the hours weren't able to work out childcare (he was working 4am-11am when he was working, and me having to leave at 7 meant there'd be no one to care for the kids)
He is now looking for work and has been for 2 interviews this week.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 20/12/2019 20:47

This set-up clearly isn’t working is it. TIme for a frank discussion?

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:50

I'm fed up of trying to talk to him.
He promises to change then doesn't.

As I said, he is looking for work, but he has not got a lot going for him. No GCSEs and hasn't been in work for the last 3 years or so.

I suggested he do a course while the kids are at school, to help him improve his chances. He refused.

OP posts:
HotSince82 · 20/12/2019 20:52

My Partner is a Sahd, he doesn't do the housework to the required standard either.

Men are a bit shit.
Tbf yours sounds worse than mine and your kids are older so tell him to get a job or jog on.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:54

Winterdaysarehere

Yes he's spoken to a professional. He's been on medication and has had counselling.
As for being hard seeing the DC with siblings... They're his bloody kids!

Yeah ok, his brother is dead, but this brother literally stabbed him in the back, beat the crap out of their mother and threatened me and my then 2 year old Hmm
He is very low contact with his family anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:55

What does he say when you say, ‘I cooked tonight’s meal for us last night-why haven’t you left me any?’

That it was really nice and he was hungry Hmm

OP posts:
PepePig · 20/12/2019 20:56

Is there a reason you're with him? He sounds like he doesn't bring you happiness anymore. If issues can't be resolved, maybe youd be better splitting.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:57

To be honest, I could let the housework go if not for the rest of it.
I understand that everyone has different standards, and as I said, it's frustrating but not really the end of the world.

But I'm basically doing everything and he's there for childcare, and even then he's not doing much of that because they're in school!

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 20:59

PepePig

I'm with him because I don't have anyone to care for my kids while I work if I'm not. There's no childcare available for the times I'd need and I can't afford a nanny!
And also because 12 years is a heck of a long time to throw away if things can be resolved.
I'm hopeful that they can, bit at the same time I'm half convinced that he's a big factor in my current MH problems.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 20/12/2019 20:59

That it was really nice and he was hungry hmm

And when you ask...

why he didn’t leave you any?

And you say you were hungry?

Aaarrgghhh · 20/12/2019 21:00

Sounds tough. I have depression and at one point (before medication and generally the kids becoming easier to look after) I started slacking. I’d go to bed early and wake up late, not do much around the house and most of it fell to my partner. I don’t really know what changed for me (I’m now really into keeping on top of the cleaning and have a routine of sorts) but one day I decided I can’t go on like this and decided to try medication again, and it started working. Alongside that I started choosing days for certain jobs around the house and stuck to it, I cleared room by room to create less crap to clean around and it seems to have helped. Being overweight won’t be making cleaning and looking after kids any easier, I’m about 17st and I can do what’s needed but I’m sweating buckets after lol.

Would therapy or the like help?

Aaarrgghhh · 20/12/2019 21:01

That it was really nice and he was hungry

Okay, that’s just rude and out of order. That goes beyond the depression really in my opinion and he seems selfish.

Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 21:03

fedup21
Tells me to sort something else out if I'm that hungry and then Huff's off in a mood.

Aaarrgghhh he's on medication and has had counselling. The GP doesn't think he needs his dose altering, or to change antidepressants because DP says they're working and he feels fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalFattyness · 20/12/2019 21:04

It does go beyond depression.

As I said, I understand he is depressed. I understand he finds this time of year difficult.

What I don't understand is how he behaves the rest of the year and how he basically brushes off what I have to say and claims it's my paranoia causing this.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 20/12/2019 21:05

Sounds more like he’s an inconsiderate dick then. Being depressed or having different standards is difficult but understandable but the rudeness and selfishness in regards to eating your food that you cooked is awful.

fedup21 · 20/12/2019 21:07

Tells me to sort something else out if I'm that hungry and then Huff's off in a mood.

WTF! ‘That’ hungry?

As in wanting to eat the meal you’d already prepared the day before, after being work all day?!

He’s either a plain and simple twat, or is more manipulative than that and he’s deliberately sabotaging your plans to lose weight.