To think DP should make more of an effort.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I've been with DP 12 years. We have 3 kids (11, 6 and 4)

He's a SAHD and I work full time, out of the house 7-7.
I did my last day at work for the year yesterday.

DP can be very lazy. Housework is never to an acceptable standard. I mention it time and time again, yet I still end up scrubbing the house whenever I'm off.
It isn't filthy, but it isn't clean either. It's frustrating that this falls to me.

He "forgets" appointments. I remind him every day of what he has coming up.for the day. I'm basically his PA.

He will complain about making me a meal when I come home from work, or if I make something the night before to be heated up (cottage pie etc) he never leaves me any.
So a lot of the time I turn to takeaway.
Which he is quite happy with as he is the one who suggests this a lot of the time.

I want to lose weight (need to) I am almost 17st. He moans at me for wanting this. He is also extremely overweight at 19st 8lbs. He doesn't see a problem with this.

I am autistic and I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I'm also suffering from severe depression and psychosis with auditory hallucinations.
Yet still the majority of being a grown up falls to me. It's so bloody frustrating.

And it's half past 8 and he's in bed, fast asleep while I try and spend some time with the 11 year old, and the 6 year old has a raging temperature and is throwing her little guys up.

Now, I know this is a difficult time of year for him. His brother hanged himself on boxing Day 4 years ago, and the family had to turn off the life support machine on the 30th.

But I am really fucking struggling right now.
AIBU to think he should try a bit bloody harder, and take some of the pressure off me?

I'm sorry if this is a bit scrambled. I'm trying to type while soothing the poorly one.

He is very inconsiderate.

He's just come down the stairs from bed, saw DD asleep on the sofa. I said "can you carry her to bed please? She's fallen asleep"
(Now bear in mind, I have mobility problems, and weak joints, I don't want to carry her in case I hurt myself or her)

"No. I need pain killers. Where's your diclo?"
"You can't take my diclofenac. It's mine and you know I need it"
"I've got toothache"
"There's orajel in the fridge, use that. Diclo won't work for toothache"
"You're just selfish"
"Yeah. Ok"

Now he's gone back to bed and left DD on the sofa.

I’d respond to him saying “if you’re that hungry you need two adult portions, you should get checked for worms and cook something extra for yourself next time instead of eating what someone else has prepared, because he is a greedy bastard.” But that’s just me.

Urgh, just seen your latest post. What an utter arsehole. I’d be telling him as much.

He’s either a plain and simple twat, or is more manipulative than that and he’s deliberately sabotaging your plans to lose weight

I think he's very manipulative. He doesn't want me to lose weight. Tells me I'm beautiful as I am and he loves me no matter what.
But doesn't want to listen when I say that I want to lose weight for me, not him.
He will order takeaway and moan if I don't eat it because it's a waste of money and we don't have a lot of money.
He constantly questions about money. How much do we have, how much are my wages, what do we owe out and how much can I put in his bank. But if I ask if there's anything left in his bank if we are struggling, he will kick off and say that that's his money for running the house... Even if I'm asking because we need milk or gas surely milk and gas come under the general running if the house.

I think this is quite a hard one to unpick actually.

When SAHM post on here to say that their dh has complained that they're not cleaning the house thoroughly enough, or haven't prepared dinner, they're generally told to LTB.

You say that he has depression, and that this is a particularly bad time of year. He is also living with someone with autism, and who has their own mental health issues including suicidal thoughts.

That's a pretty tough situation, for both of you, and I expect his version of events would include rock-bottom confidence in the job market after three years out of work and no qualifications at all.

That's not that he shouldn't be trying harder, of course he should but I don't think that unreserved agreement with you is the right thing to do either. Ultimately, you are only with him for childcare and on some level he will know that. You are not suited and it's miserable all around. You expect him to fundamentally change because you're telling him to, and he probably feels the same. I think you should have counselling to resolve or help you to separate, you would both be happier.

Honestly, I'd be making plans to leave. I couldnt live with such a pathetic man child. Could you job search to get a job with better hours so you could use childcare? He is a complete slob and if he isn't going to get help then you need to help yourself and get out of it. I guarantee even with more responsibility on yourself, you'd be happier.

itsmecathycomehome

I'm not only with him for childcare. Yes it's one of the reasons I stay when I know how emotionally damaging this relationship can be.
But there are also some very good times. Times when I don't think I'd have got through if not for him.

I'm not denying his confidence is rock bottom. I'm not denying he's depressed and struggling.

The point of this post is that I am really struggling and expect a bit more support from someone who should be there for me in my darkest times.
Ffs he couldn't even take his six year old to bed.

Just read your update- it's as if you're his cash machine. Joint money is one thing but both parties usually contribute. Say one partner works f/t, and the other does household duties, most of the childcare, etc. He can't just get money off you but not contribute and be lazy.

and how much can I put in his bank

He does fuck all around the house, doesn’t want to work, isn’t great with the kids, doesn’t want to do a course, ignores your input to the household tasks, is deliberately sabotaging your attempts to get healthier and lose weight and keeps asking you for more money...?!

What would you say if this was your friend’s marital situation?!

PepePig
I've been looking but there's not a lot out there. I'd be taking a pay cut if I was to change jobs. Although I'm not on a great wage, it's more than what most people in my sector get paid.

I've even looked for childcare. There's not a lot of that around either. It's very difficult when childminders are all booked up and the kids school doesn't run an actual after-school club. Just general activities on different nights for an hour, and they don't allow reception aged children to join them, so I'd still be stuck for DS2.

Also our finances would be difficult.
We are on a DMP which goes out of his account each month. All the debts are in my name.
(Long story. Not actually our fault. My dad took out loans etc in my name and left me in 25 grand of debt. Lots of reasons Im not going to go into about why I'm paying)

I've thought about leaving so many times. But it would have to be a long term plan.
And I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to get enough money together etc when he is so demanding regarding money.

Yanbu about everything except the diclofenac. It can be amazing for toothache and if you were my dh I would think that was a bit selfish to not give me one if I was in pain and you could easily get more. Toothache can be horrific!

But mainly yanbu

flacker I really do need the diclofenac though, and you're not meant to take other people's meds.
Also, there is orajel in which works perfectly fine, as he has told me this.
I know toothache can be horrific.

If you are thinking about leaving in the LT, you need to protect yourself as much as possible. I wouldn't feel bad about lying because he sounds awful. I'd be moving money into a secret savings account every month. If you need to make up "emergency expenses" to cover the money, do that. Encourage him into a job asap so you don't have to give him money. Keep getting exp in your field so when you want to leave, you have more options. Your kids will be older, too, so probably a bit easier with childcare.

But what emergency expenses?
He questions everything.
He even questioned me today when I went shopping for the Christmas veg. And then complained that I didn't buy an extra Christmas cake so that he can eat one now.

We have no money! My DS1 was in hospital the other day after a seizure, so that took up money in taxi fares (we don't drive, can't afford lessons. Or a car)
I had to walk to work yesterday because we had no money. (It's two buses away)

You earn the money so I’d make sure he has what’s needed but no extras. I’m sure you could save out of what he needlessly spends on takeaways etc.

I just don't know how I could leave.
I wish things were different.
I wish he was better. I wish he supported me more.
I wish he wasn't so selfish.
He wasn't like this when we first got together.
I kiss the man I fell in love with.

Miss not kiss

Is he abusive? If not, you need to tell him how it is and if he has a problem with it, you'll listen to him when he has a financial contribution. Tell him you'll take over all the finances as he clearly can't do that and his SAHD duties. I'm aware this is bordering on financial abuse but he is literally abusing you through money. You need to look after yourself first.

He's honestly just dead weight. You'd be better off with a smaller place and a pay cut. Honestly, you'll probably have more money at the end of the month. He sounds like he fritters away your money on shite.

OP it sounds like a horrible situation for you I’m sorry. If you told DP you weren’t happy in your relationship what would he say? Would anything change? Does he acknowledge he’s depressed?

I wish I could offer/say something to help.

You have so little money that you can’t afford bus fares to work, yet he’s telling you to order takeaways because he’s eaten your portion of dinner (that you’d made?!) as well as his own??

Can you sit him down and explain how ridiculous that is!

He's not physically abusive no.

I've tried to explain how unhappy I am.
I've tried to tell him things need to change.
Things are then good for a couple of weeks. And then they revert back to this.

fedup he wasn't bothered.
He spent yesterday complaining that he had only had an hour at home before school phoned to say DD had been sick and needed collecting.

He doesn't stop to think how this week alone, I spent Monday at the doctor discussing my mental health and trying to sort out my anti psychotics, Tuesday night I took DS1 to hospital because he had a seizure, Wednesday was DDs Birthday, Thursday I walked to work, today I did all the shopping and sorted all the kids toys out ready for Christmas, and all he has done is play Minecraft. (DD told me daddy was playing Minecraft while she watched with a sick bowl on her knee)

"If you told DP you weren’t happy in your relationship what would he say? Would anything change? Does he acknowledge he’s depressed?"

OP has said that he's on medication for depression, and that things improve but only temporarily after she tells him how unhappy she is.

Even if I'm going shopping or something he tells me to take the kids so he can have a break.
But he doesn't even have them for that long! Literally a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours at night!
Then I come home and I do reading books and bedtime etc.
And even in the mornings, I make sure they have teeth brushed and DDs hair is done, and that their uniform is clean!