To think DP should make more of an effort.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I've been with DP 12 years. We have 3 kids (11, 6 and 4)

He's a SAHD and I work full time, out of the house 7-7.
I did my last day at work for the year yesterday.

DP can be very lazy. Housework is never to an acceptable standard. I mention it time and time again, yet I still end up scrubbing the house whenever I'm off.
It isn't filthy, but it isn't clean either. It's frustrating that this falls to me.

He "forgets" appointments. I remind him every day of what he has coming up.for the day. I'm basically his PA.

He will complain about making me a meal when I come home from work, or if I make something the night before to be heated up (cottage pie etc) he never leaves me any.
So a lot of the time I turn to takeaway.
Which he is quite happy with as he is the one who suggests this a lot of the time.

I want to lose weight (need to) I am almost 17st. He moans at me for wanting this. He is also extremely overweight at 19st 8lbs. He doesn't see a problem with this.

I am autistic and I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I'm also suffering from severe depression and psychosis with auditory hallucinations.
Yet still the majority of being a grown up falls to me. It's so bloody frustrating.

And it's half past 8 and he's in bed, fast asleep while I try and spend some time with the 11 year old, and the 6 year old has a raging temperature and is throwing her little guys up.

Now, I know this is a difficult time of year for him. His brother hanged himself on boxing Day 4 years ago, and the family had to turn off the life support machine on the 30th.

But I am really fucking struggling right now.
AIBU to think he should try a bit bloody harder, and take some of the pressure off me?

I'm sorry if this is a bit scrambled. I'm trying to type while soothing the poorly one.

What @ghostmouse said

He either needs to get a job pronto or you split up. I can guarantee he'd be more productive at home if he worked. And more motivated to lose weight.

Tbh I think I'd just be calling it a day really

I've explained that a second income would be hugely beneficial.

^

Why would you need to explain this?!

If the tenancy is in your name and you are already paying for everything, I don't know why you're hesitating to end the relationship. You say that you are miserable and that he has ignored all of your attempts to sort things out, so your conscience is clear. You need a childminder to do before/after school care, but will be saving money by not supporting your dh, and you may also be entitled to some in-work benefits.

'I can guarantee he'd be more productive at home if he worked'

My ex wasn't. In fact it made him even more entitled. His attitude was I work so I shouldn't have to do housework. Then said he was exhausted. From working 27 hours a week. He completely ignored the fact I was working 40 hours a week AND running the house as well.
Bloody hell what a miserable existence

If the tenancy is in your name and you are already paying for everything, I don't know why you're hesitating to end the relationship. You say that you are miserable and that he has ignored all of your attempts to sort things out, so your conscience is clear. You need a childminder to do before/after school care, but will be saving money by not supporting your dh,

I think this is true. You tell him to leave. He leaves. You are better off financially immediately , despite the child minders costs. He doesn't get access to the kids so you don't need to worry about that.

What everyone else has said, but also have you considered applying for a blue badge, which would probably entitle you to a bus pass. I recently got one despite the fact I can walk, because walking leaves me in pain and I can only go very slowly. I believe walking too much is dangerous for you and leaves you at risk of dislocations? If you have medical evidence stating that already it’s an easy process to apply for a BB.

As ChrohnicallyEarly suggested, could you perhaps apply for a Blue Badge & via that whatever the concessionary bus pass is called by you? Similarly, if you’re not already in receipt of DLA/PIP, while I know it’s a nightmare to do, it is worth applying for the latter. (I’d very much suggest, though, that you not tell your partner if you do so.)

I’m so sorry that you’re having such an awful time. You’re getting a lot of excellent advice from people about a change I think you probably know, deep down, needs to be made.

Also, while hEDS is almost ridiculously different for everyone, if you’ve any of the Gastro stuff that goes with it I can’t imagine eating loads of takeaways will help things there (as well as the weight-loss & financial issues involved).

I don't have the brain power to apply for pip. I have considered it, but I find it difficult to even contemplate right now.

Yes, walking too much leaves me at risk.
My left hip is currently Subluxed, and I'm in a lot of pain. But DP tells me that as I'm used to the pain it can't be that bad.

I'm honestly so low. He has just woken now.
I've done breakfast, stripped and cleaned DS2s bed (he had an accident), showered DS2, done two.washes, washed the breakfast pots, made sure the kids were dressed and had brushed teeth and hair, drawn pictures with the kids (DD is brilliant at drawing unicorns) and now I've sat down with a cup of tea.
He's come down, told me he's tired and didn't sleep well and gone out onto the front for his ecig.

Bloody hell OP, this sounds horrendous. I’d check whether you’d be entitled to any universal credit to help with childcare costs if you were on your own. Do you have a spare room? Would it be possible to get an au pair?

My heart is hurting for you OP. You are in your prime and shouldn't have to be dealing with this utter manchild. I won't tell you to ltb as you already know all that we can tell you.

He's not physically abusive because all his other abusive tactics are sufficient to keep control of you. Physical violence isn't a separate kind of abuse that stands alone, it's part of the whole cycle. Abuse is about power and control; he already has tight control of you, so why escalate to physical violence?

He is using depression as an excuse to continue abusing you, and as is apparent from this thread outsiders will fall for it, especially those who don't fully understand the pattern of abuse. He knows what he's doing, it's not a mistake. He targeted you because of your vulnerabilities.

And that lovely guy you fell in love with? The one you live in hope of getting back? He never existed; he was the bait to lure you in and gain control of you. I k ow that's really hard to come to terms with, and I'm sorry.

Leaving isn't simple or easy, I know. It sounds like you've got an increasingly well formed plan developing though, which is positive. Keep going with that. Hold onto it when you feel like you're drowning.

Something that helped me cope when I was planning to leave but couldn't yet leave was learning to understand abuse and its dynamics, so when he did something to hurt or control or exhaust or break me I could mentally step backwards and label it for what it was.

It helped me to find the strength I needed to keep planning and eventually act, but just as importantly it helped me gain enough emotional distance to protect myself a little more than I had been able to in the past.

Don't challenge him, let him think he's still in control or he will make it harder for you to keep planning and harder for you to keep your head above water. Let him think he's still in control until you're ready to act.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course (they won't tell you to leave) or read the book? Or read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Both could help you.

Women's Aid are also there for you (yes, it is bad enough for you to ask for their help), even if all you want to do is talk through your planning and see if there's anything you haven't thought of.

You deserve so much better than this. I know right now it is probably hard to picture life being better or visualise how it could be, but I really believe a better, happier life is possible for you.

If you want to stay together you need to take control of the budgets so he has no cash to squander on takeaways and e cigs. These things are luxuries and he cant have treats at the expense of your bus fares.
He also needs to do a set list of jobs each day. It doesn't matter if he moans. If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.
You'll need to tell him more than once. He wont like it. But it'll be better than it is now.
Or he leaves.

PP's suggestion of an au pair is a great one I think for your situation OP. It might seem a bit of an out there suggestion but it would be affordable if you offset what your partner is currently costing you. So think for example he costs you £100 a week. You kick him out and install a bright young Spanish woman or whatever. The kids get taken to and collected from school, she can keep the house tidy and you can focus on your diet, applying for PIP and driving your life forward.
I think this could be your answer and can be done quickly.
Good luck OP - it was shocking to see you are only 28 and dealing with this horrible parasite dragging you down.

Unfortunately there's no space for an au pair.

I'm in a three bed house, the boys share a room and DD is in the box room.
DP sleeps on the sofa a lot of the time as he refuses to share a bed with me. He's either sleeping on the sofa, or he goes to bed at a ridiculously early time and sprawls out over the bed, and he's too big for me to move.

OP my heart absolutely breaks for you. This selfish prick of a man is nothing more than an oxygen thief. He is contributing nothing to your situation except additional stress and work for YOU to pick up. I bet your MH would improve out of sight if this dickhead was out of your life.
The best Christmas present you could give yourself would be to kick this fucker out.

He sounds supremely selfish. Given his family background, it's perhaps not surprising :(

You'd be better off without him, you just need to figure out how to get from here to there. Could you take a set amount off your wage every payday (e.g. £50) into a personal account without him noticing? Does he check your bank account?

Yuck. WhT an awful husband and father he is. Don’t do that, if you don’t care about you,
Think of your children.

Could your DD share with you to free up the box room? Once he's gone you will have more options.

It's a very small house so theres no space, even if DD was to share a room with me, there'd then be no storage space.

His family background is horrendous. I get that.
But surely he should want better for his kids?
I mean, I went through hell as a teen. I grew up.with undiagnosed autism, was raped and abused from the age of 11-14, was on drugs and drank, was a tear away teen to try and escape my problems.
I quit the drugs before I got with DP. And I only drink very very rarely now (special occasions, although I won't be drinking this Christmas as I can't with the meds I'm on)
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with DS1, I changed my life.

I buckled down in college, passing my course with a distinction, and made sure nothing would prevent me from being the best mum I could be.

He's 11 now and honestly amazing. He's well mannered, polite, kind, always thinks of others, he works hard, does amazingly well in school, offers to help around the house (above and beyond regular cleaning his room etc)
I did that.
I made sure he had everything I could possibly give to help him (and I do the same for DD and DS2 obviously)

I make sure my kids can come to me no matter what.
DS1, last year, came to me because his friend was being abused. Because he opened up to me, and with support, spoke to school, he helped this little boy. He made sure he was safe.
All my kids know I'll keep them safe no matter what.
But they don't feel the same with their dad.
They don't speak to him. They don't tell him their worries.
Then he moans at me that they don't open up to him. He doesn't grasp that he needs to make more of an effort and show them he's willing to help them.

Oh pet...

Your local CAB might have someone who specialises in helping people fill out PIP forms. There is lots of guidance online, but I very much hear what you’re saying about it being overwhelming just now. Would having someone literally do it with you help? I v slightly know someone who does this at my local CAB & she & her colleagues will meet with people outside CAB hours etc to fit round people’s commitments & needs - as far as THEY’RE able, I mean, & am award won’t be the case everywhere. But possibly worth checking it out? Please don’t think I’m being dismissive of you saying it’s too difficult to contemplate - I’m absolutely dreading the Damoclean sword of changeover from lifetime DLA to whatever-PIP-they’ll-grant-me-please-God-let-it-not-be-too-hellacious falling. So I do very much empathise. If there’s any support available to you (have you a social worker? and indeed if not could you ask your GP about a referral if you feel that’s something that would benefit you? lots of my friends with autism find that their social workers are v helpful in terms of helping them access support they need & doing things like sorting out their PIP claims...) absolutely use it - it’s what it’s there for.

Jesus wept. Doesn’t matter if you’re “used to it”. It’s really REALLY bad to be wandering about on a subluxed hip. Does your DP not realise that if you can’t reduce it yourself you’ll have to go to A&E so they can do it? Hope that it’s ok now.

Am really sorry you’re having such a tough day. Please listen to what the other posters are saying about the nature of abusive relationships & controlling behaviour. I know it can’t be easy to hear. But you’ve clearly worked hard to try to build yourself a better life & to be the best mother possible to your children. Your partner isn’t engaging with either building a better life or, seemingly, being the best parent he can. I am aware that may sound hugely unsympathetic, but even if he’s so depressed as to be unable to do so rather than choosing not to, the result is the same.

Please be gentle with yourself. And please be careful with your painkillers - are you able to ensure that he’s not able to get to them? (Which reminds me, if you’re not already under a pain management clinic, please ask your GP to refer you...)

Please see if you can get to the CABand find out about PIP and a blue badge. Put your needs first - put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

Do you have any take away containers. If so, when you cook something leave half in the fridge as normal and freeze the rest. He will probably be too lazy to defrost your share.

He is abusing you but you already know that.
Start making your plans. You will find your way out and we are hear to hold your hand.

please think about yourself and your DC .... there is no fucking way this loser will look after them according some 10yr old court order...

do you get sick pay with your job?

get your gp to sign you off for a couple of weeks in the new year sort your pip etc application and talk to your work about slightly better hours?/part time? you maybe better doing that in the short term so you can just get rid of him...

I am nearly 100% sure your mental health will improve, you will lose weight which wil help your health.. and your children will be happier if you loose 19st....
2020 - new decade..new you.... keep your money as is in your bank account... every time he asks just say no budget gone.....he can work, he can claim PIP himself... his past is not your problem...

best of luck you sound like you are doing amazing job ....if your DC gets seizures does he get DLA it only applies if impacts directly but not uncommon..maybe contact your local carers support? this can effect other benefts as well

No sick pay. just SSP which isn't enough to cover the basics.

I need to make plans to leave don't I?
Even if it will take a few years.
There's no hope is there?

I need to make plans to leave don't I?
Even if it will take a few years.
There's no hope is there?

No hope..... and yes you need to get rid of him. It doesn't need to take any time. Just tell him to leave. If he gets nasty call the police and women's aid