To think DP should make more of an effort.

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I've been with DP 12 years. We have 3 kids (11, 6 and 4)

He's a SAHD and I work full time, out of the house 7-7.
I did my last day at work for the year yesterday.

DP can be very lazy. Housework is never to an acceptable standard. I mention it time and time again, yet I still end up scrubbing the house whenever I'm off.
It isn't filthy, but it isn't clean either. It's frustrating that this falls to me.

He "forgets" appointments. I remind him every day of what he has coming up.for the day. I'm basically his PA.

He will complain about making me a meal when I come home from work, or if I make something the night before to be heated up (cottage pie etc) he never leaves me any.
So a lot of the time I turn to takeaway.
Which he is quite happy with as he is the one who suggests this a lot of the time.

I want to lose weight (need to) I am almost 17st. He moans at me for wanting this. He is also extremely overweight at 19st 8lbs. He doesn't see a problem with this.

I am autistic and I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I'm also suffering from severe depression and psychosis with auditory hallucinations.
Yet still the majority of being a grown up falls to me. It's so bloody frustrating.

And it's half past 8 and he's in bed, fast asleep while I try and spend some time with the 11 year old, and the 6 year old has a raging temperature and is throwing her little guys up.

Now, I know this is a difficult time of year for him. His brother hanged himself on boxing Day 4 years ago, and the family had to turn off the life support machine on the 30th.

But I am really fucking struggling right now.
AIBU to think he should try a bit bloody harder, and take some of the pressure off me?

I'm sorry if this is a bit scrambled. I'm trying to type while soothing the poorly one.

You’re not selling him as a great husband or Dad OP, what a waste of space. I understand depression makes even small things hard, I’ve been there where a shower can feel like too much effort. But it sounds like now he’s just a lazy feck who isn’t adding anything of value to your family or your life.

Are your family nearby or in a position to support you and the kids if you left?

He sounds like lazy, selfish twat! So many things in what you've said would be the last straw for me. You on the other hand sound like you're doing an all round amazing job in very hard circumstances - cut him loose & focus on you & the kids! Good luck. X

My mum is close, but is unable to help if I left. She is a full time carer for my grandma who is in a very bad way.

I don't speak to my dad.

I have no other family.

Often on here I see people warning others to be careful of leaving a SAHP if they’re wanting to take the kids with them.
It would seem that a court would deem the SAHP the best person to be the resident parent.
Perhaps something to consider if you did decide to leave.

Mind you, I get the feeling he’d be horrified at the thought of actually having to parent them properly!

I would be getting some serious advice if you’re thinking of leaving.

He’s styled himself as the childcare and home provider; the last thing you need is to end up divorced in a tiny rented flat, working full time to pay the mortgage on the family whilst he stays there playing X box and scratching his balls doing a shit job with the kids.

sassy that wouldn't be an issue.
The tenancy is in my name and he would be the one to leave. He wouldn't take the kids. He wouldn't be able to.

Ok. More of a backstory now. And even more reason for you all to think im an idiot.

We split when DS1 was a toddler. His family was extremely toxic and abusive. I told him he could not have DS1 at his mum's house. He took me to court. Judge agreed that DS1 was not to have any contact with DPs family and sent DP to a contact centre which was monitored one on one and the staff taught him how to interact with DS1.

When that was all sorted there was a court order to say he could have contact on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and any changes were subject to my approval. I held all the cards.
A one night stand with him left me pregnant with DD. So we got back together.

If we were to split things would revert back to the court order, as in he would see them on Tuesdays and Saturdays and he would not be able to take them to his mum's or around his family. And as he has nowhere but his mum's to go if we were to split, he would not be able to take the kids. Social services deemed it unsafe.
And there's a known crack head there, (his uncle) and his mum is selling cannabis.
So definitely no way he'd get the kids.

He took you to court but you got back together with him. Crikey-there’s a lot more to this than, ‘should DH make more of an effort’, isn’t there??

He’s a dead weight, love. You only get one life-don’t waste yours on this loser.

Oh, and due to the issues we had with DS1 and the fact I never fully trusted him to stick around, he is not on DD or DS2s birth certificates.
Some may say that's out of order as he's their dad, but he agreed that he would not go on them to give me peace of mind should we split, that he wouldn't just be able to take the kids.
(And probably agreed so he doesn't have to take financial responsibility should we split)

fedup
Yeah. There's a lot to unpick if I think about it.

I was 16 when I got with him. 17 when I had DS1. I've fought so frigging hard to create a nice life for my kids. To not be just another stereotype.
But I feel like everything I've ever done is just being sabotaged.

As I said, he's not the person I fell in love with. And I think the reason for the ONS was loneliness, and things just spiralled from there.

But he's ill surely, properly clinically ill with depression and taking medication for it. As pp has said, it can take monumental effort to have a shower. I feel that telling a depressed person to buck up is like telling someone with a broken leg to go for a run.

I get that op is struggling, and I'm not saying that she must stay with him because he's ill, but references to laziness seem wide of the mark.

OP, you should both have the same amount of down time. If he has several hours during the day while the kids are at school, you should have similar on evenings/weekends.

If your household needs a second income to meet your financial commitments, then he should work but in the meantime I think he should have full access to family money, that is usually the expectation on here for SAHP anyway.

Oh gawd OP I've read some horrific things on here but PLEASE get rid off this low-life, lazy, loser who is almost definitely making you're mental health much worse.

What a greedy, selfish, user of a man. He's no use to you OP and certainly no use to your children - he's a paid for babysitter who doesn't even babysitter - the tv does!!

I'm actually not sorry because I know there's going to posters coming along with the 'but he's got MH issues etc' Well I'll answer all of them - what about YOUR mental health?!

I never post on relationship threads but this was has absolutely horrified me - he's a lazy, greedy, needy, selfish twat.

I really wish you the very best OP, you're amazing and worth so much more.

Oh x posted with all the new stuff. In which case, just call it a day.

I'm so flaming miserable.

I want my life to finally go well for me.

Those who "know" me on here will know how tough things have been.
These last few years have been hell for me.

I just don't know how to do it.
I'm 28 years old. I shouldn't be so sad all the time.
I should still be enjoying life.

I know I need to leave DP. I do.
But it isn't that simple. It really will have to be a long term plan.
I've figured out the debts, but it will take a couple of years. Once I'm under 20 grand I can do a debt relief order, and then it's only a year from then and I'll be debt free. Yes my credit will be fucked, but I don't need it. I have everything I need without credit.

But actually having money set aside for emergencies is a different matter. He's so controlling when it comes to what money is spent on what.

And having the right mindset when I'm struggling so much as it is.

I just don't know what to do.

And the ^^ PP above mine sums up why that will be my first and last post on this thread.

Take care OP - in spite of everything I hope you manage to have a fab christmas with your children

I feel that telling a depressed person to buck up is like telling someone with a broken leg to go for a run.

I disagree. I think for many people (my bipolar self included) the only way out of a depression is to drag yourself out, step by step. Much like if you have a physical injury and you avoid any and all exercise of it, then the muscles will atrophy and your recovery will be harder in the long run, so too will wallowing in depression only make your recovery harder.

But that's beside the point. I'm sorry things are shit OP. Hope you enjoy Christmas with your children.

I feel that telling a depressed person to buck up is like telling someone with a broken leg to go for a run.

Letting someone wallow and be a drain on someone else's mental health isn't a good option either, though. You can be supportive, have them get medication, see a GP, a councillor etc, but ultimately they can't sit and do nothing every day. When I had PND I needed encouraged to do every single task at home. I felt awful at the time but the cycle of being encouraged to do a task - doing the task with help - the feeling of reward from doing the task made me feel a little lighter. Eventually, I recovered. If my partner had let me away with doing nothing I can guarantee I'd still be utterly miserable in a pig sty of a home.

There's a reason why a lot of SAHP are depressed. Home/work life is mixed. There's no real "break". You aren't set a list of tasks to do each day so you have to self motivate beyond the obvious ones. You have minimal adult interaction. Days merge into weeks that merge into months where every day is pretty much the same as the one before.

I think it takes a v mentally strong person to be a SAHP and make it work. You need a lot of self motivation, discipline etc. Or you end up miserable and socially anxious. With nothing to work towards.

I think OP's partner would be a lot less of a drain if he had a job to go to and had his own money. Firstly, he'd maybe actually appreciate OP more. Probably would be more motivated as a person, too. But most importantly, he should stop being so ridiculous with money. He'll have his own to blow on the shite he wants, rather than bankrupting OP with his obsession for needless food and takeaways.

Regardless of whether he's depressed or just lazy, he doesn't have any sympathy for me. He has his life made- minecraft every day, money for the food he wants, he can sleep most of the day, minimal childcare/cleaning to do... it's time he stepped up, or stepped out.

He's so controlling when it comes to what money is spent on what

Just don't tell him surely. I would change the way your money is arranged so you hold more of the cards. As long as he has access to the money he needs why does he need to know every penny you spend?

frozen
He demands to know where "all our money has gone" if he can't afford to buy what he wants. And if my answer isn't sufficient he will huff and puff and cause a scene, and cause an atmosphere.

I can't sleep. So I've cleaned the kitchen.
This is what I do. I stay up all night cleaning because I don't sleep due to my MH problems.
This is DPs version of clean, to mine. (The washing has all piled up because DD has been sick over everything and I'm not doing a wash tonight)
This is why I get frustrated. Because it is just laziness that stops him picking up the bags and wiping the sides. There is no other reason.

I also cleaned the downstairs toilet and now I'll do the living room.
He's snoring upstairs. I managed to get DD to bed, but she has woken 3 times since being sick and not once has he dealt with her.

You sound awesome. You have a DMP in place. You are working ft. You care for your dc when you are in your home. You are going to your gp and also choosing a weight loss plan. So many more positive choices.
My heart sunk the more I read about your dp. If I have read this properly, it seems to me his life is just about food and money.

It would not be wrong of you to re think the house finances. If it ever worked in the past it is not working now. Him being too lazy to cook, (takeaways) uses up your bus fare, that you need to get to work.

He sounds in a slump or denial or in a bad habit of relying on you. Talking hasn't worked for you. Time for action now. You could buy a monthly bus pass. It works out cheaper too. You seem very clued up financially, have you got everything you possibly can on Direct Debit or Standing Order?

willow yeah, everything is DD.
I usually buy two weekly bus passes (two different bus companies that I need to use to get to work) but the way things worked out meant I was due a weekly bus pass on the Thursday, and as it was only one day, DP decided we could spend extra because I wouldn't need a weekly pass as I'm off now until the new year. Only he spent too much extra (he took the money from my purse!) And left me with nothing.

I would sit and do a budget with him that shows him he needs to work.
Even a job shelf stacking.

weenurse
I've done it. I've shown him a budget, Ive explained what needs to be paid when and why.
I've explained that a second income would be hugely beneficial.
I've even wrote down lists of things he should do each day, chores that need doing daily, weekly etc.
(He asked me to, I didn't just do it to be condescending!)
And he just ignored them.

He just doesn't care.

Get rid. Seriously. Before he drags you down to rock bottom and you haven't got the energy or the frame of mind to get back up.

I was in your exact same position up until May last year and I was with the ex for 13 years, 4 children but only the younger2 was his. Ex did work part time and I worked full time but I have adhd and asd and I was also overweight.

Ex did nothing to help me at all, just used to lie on his sofa bed and play Xbox until 5 in the morning on his days off, never cleaned the house, rarely cooked, moaned about taking the dc to school and making thier lunches (he actually refused to butter thier sandwiches and just slapped ham on the bread or cheese but used to make himself a proper butty at the same time..the knob) he used to take money out my purse, steal my cash cards and then I found out he was running the rent short cos he needed fags and energy drinks from.the shop. There was so much more but he was awful and I was so depressed, felt trapped due to work and childcare. One day when I needed him..I'd had an op on my finger..and needed my coat doing up..he whinged and huffed. 2 days later after my op I was dragging washing out the machine and cooking one handed because he made me feel so guilty and couldn't tear himselfaway from his Xbox and his fucking non stop reruns of only fools and horses.

I kicked him.out. I've never looked back. I changed my hours in work and found childcare, i lost weight and got fitter and im so much happier, kids are happier.

Your kids are seeing thier dad treat you like shit and will go into adulthood thinking that's the norm, break the cycle.

Make an exit plan, even if it takes you a while and let him huff and moan about the money.

The day I kicked ex out was the day I realised that he'd been a huge factor in my poor mh issues..I shut the front door and the relief I felt that he'd gone, was like a weight had been lifted.