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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
LadyAllegraImelda · 19/12/2019 21:59

Tell her

ilikemethewayiam · 19/12/2019 22:00

Your son is a self absorbed nasty little alcoholic narcissist! Gets his GF pregnant then doesn’t want to pay half towards a pram for HIS child!!! Wtf! A decent man would pay for the pram in full and anything else his child needs! He has shown his true colours. If I was her I would dump him for that alone and go after him for maintenance! Unfortunately as any reformed alcoholic will tell you, they had to hit rock bottom in order for them to turn their life around. That’s not ever going to happen for him as long as you keep enabling him and preventing him learning that lesson! You are not doing him any favours. The phrase cruel to be kind applies here. I was going to say tell her before someone else does and you become a co-conspirator but it seems that’s already come to fruition! Now she has to live with the knowledge that you not only knew but facilitated it! You may have already burned your bridges with her!

suggestionsplease1 · 19/12/2019 22:01

Agree with everyone who has said you are enabling this awful behaviour.

You are shielding him from the consequences of his actions - he won't learn because you are telling him he doesn't have to learn.

I think you really need to tell him that his behaviours are unacceptable and that he needs to leave - and in fact, this is the kindest thing you could probably do for him. He needs a wake up call - are you happy for your son to continue living the way he is? Well don't enable it. It may be the shock he needs to start turning his life about.

Thank goodness your daughter did the right thing in telling his partner/ex.

spookysamhainwitch · 19/12/2019 22:01

I was your daughter in law 2 years ago. Kicked my ex out for drinking too much, was pregnant, thought he'd get his shit together. Turns out he'd been sleeping with other people throughout my pregnancy.
Put me under massive pressure to abort as he had a new relationship (unbeknownst to me)
His mother and all our friends and employees knew about her before I did. Despite knowing I was pregnant with his son, no one told me. The humiliation has stuck with me.

I'll never ever ever speak to his mother ever again. She backed him up & his new relationship 100% It's wrong. Drink does not come before family ever.

Tell her. Show her some respect and tell her.

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 22:03

Well she has already been told. The op's daughter told her so that part of it is over.

MidnightBlue28 · 19/12/2019 22:04

Your daughter did the right thing... probably because she knew you wouldn’t.

Bet she’s had to put up with being a second thought all her life while you cosset and make excuses for her brother.

I feel sorry for her, your D-I-L and the grandchild-to-be.

You and the man-child continue to reap what you sow!

Nubbled · 19/12/2019 22:06

So he stays with her or he stays with you? Can he not stand on his own two feet? Is he paying you for his board and lodgings?

NorthernLightsInWinter · 19/12/2019 22:11

You need to tell him to go, OP. You're enabling him by letting him stay with you. Force him to grow up ... he'll be no good to his child if he doesn't. And if he refuses to grow up, then best he's not involved with the baby anyway perhaps. But don't enable him to keep acting the way he is.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 19/12/2019 22:14

Time for your big pants to be pulled up and do the right thing.

Your future relationship with dgc could be at stake here.

You have a choice, choose wisely.

Esspee · 19/12/2019 22:25

I agree with the others who say you are enabling your son. Time for some tough love. Tell him to move out and stick to your guns.

crosstalk · 19/12/2019 22:42

OP

  1. Tell your son to move out. Tell him the reasons
  2. Or tell him he can stay if he pays you rent, pulls his weight round the house, goes to AA and doesn't bring anyone round to your house.
  3. Go to Al-Anon yourself
  4. Keep in touch with your son's partner and offer her what help you can both for her and her child.
Hatscarfandgloves · 19/12/2019 22:51

In my job I see quite a few older people who are living miserable lives because of an adult child (usually but not exclusively a son) who they can't manage - by which I mean they are being financially/emotionally/sometimes physically abused by their child. Usually they're an addict (like it sounds as though your son is well on the way to becoming) and they not only fail to pay rent but also beg for money from their retired parent's pension to support themselves. I tell these parents till I'm blue in the face that they need to let go and they need to kick their child out and they just don't (most of the time. I've seen two couples manage it). But the reality is that I have never (never never never) seen things improve and almost always I have seen things get worse and worse for the parent.
You need to give him an ultimatum and you need to make him leave. He's 30, he has a job, he should be paying rent somewhere. Presumably he was paying rent with his partner somewhere? He can find somewhere. You are enabling him and telling yourself it's because you love him. But love doesn't enable this type of behaviour - it's tougher than that. What you are doing is taking the easy road for yourself.

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 19/12/2019 22:51

Your son is a loser, a lost cause. You can't help him by providing a roof over his head, that merely allows him to carry on messing up his life. He needs to move out and you need to step up as a potential grandma.

SeaEagleFeather · 19/12/2019 22:57

You're not stuck between them. You've made your choice, that's clear.

eaglejulesk · 19/12/2019 23:02

For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.

He's an adult for goodness sake, not a teenager! You are enabling him to continue with his bad behaviour by letting him get away with it. He has a job, he can find a flat - or else move in with one of his many sex buddies!

I felt some sympathy for you until you mentioned your DD telling your DIL and criticising her for it. You should have already told her, but it seems your priority is your idiot son, rather than your DIL and GC and their health.

I'm sorry, but you have brought much of this upon yourself by treating your son like a child for so long, and it seems that you don't really want advice, rather for us to condone your actions!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2019 23:05

You can kick him out. You won't. You've enabled him his whole life, why stop now, right? It's incredible that you would have his back and throw the mother of his child under the bus like this. Keep letting him bring his one night stands into your home as well. Appalling.

MadeForThis · 19/12/2019 23:05

He's 30 not 13. Kick him out. He's an embarrassment. How many women has he slept with in a few weeks? How many nights has he been drunk?

He needs to grow up and you need to help him.

He will stand on his own 2 feet if you force him to.

Rtmhwales · 19/12/2019 23:21

People on here are being a bit harsh.

FWIW, I've been your DIL in this situation. DH freaked out and left the marriage leaving me pregnant. In that case, his parents decided they needed to support their grown son (30!) and have little to do with me. As a result, they will never know their grandson.

If I were her, and I've been in that position, I would've wanted my ex MIL to ring me up, say wholeheartedly she did not support her son's actions, and ask what she could do to support her grandchild. If you want a relationship with that baby, I'd try that. Or even offer half the cost of the prawn?

Elfthaygotaway · 19/12/2019 23:30

I'm concerned she may stop me seeing the grandchild if she were to find out

If she finds out from another source what has been happening, and believes you have been colluding with him, as it happened in your house and you didn’t tell anyone, I think she’d be far more likely to stop you having contact.

Be straight with her. And be clear you want to support her.

Bluerussian · 19/12/2019 23:34

She knows now but do talk to her, tell her you were going to tell her (because you were thinking of it), and let her know she has your wholehearted support. Offer to buy the pram maybe or contribute half the cost. However you still haven't said how far pregnant she is.

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2019 02:38

OP this must be so tough.

I think you are really getting an unfair hard time here. It is not your fault your son is not stepping up to his responsibilities.

wombat1a · 20/12/2019 03:02

If she asks tell her, if she doesn't don't. Simple as that, don't lie for your son.

vivacian · 20/12/2019 03:55

Well that’s helpful @wombat1a Hmm

JolieOBrien · 20/12/2019 04:17

@JingleJingleBelly

I have son who is a similar age to yours and would definitely tell his wife. He might fall out with you but he needs to grow up and stop being such a bad father and husband. My son is single and if he gets a partner one day I will treat them both the same as I do with my daughter and son in law. If my son in law was acting this way I would tell him exactly what I thought ... luckily he is a good husband and father. Hopefully your son's wife will see you as a friend and let you help her through this difficult period.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2019 05:06

@JingleJingleBelly It's like I'm in a nightmare One that you created by not being upfront with your DIL, and condoning what your son was doing.

my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama No. She did the right thing, the thing you didn't have the balls to do yourself. Nothing to do with loving drama!

How have I raised such selfish kids You raised one selfish kid, your son. Because you are selfish too, and were only concerned for yourself, and not seeing your GC. That backfired, didn't it?

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