Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

[JingleJingleBelly]

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

My ex did this to me and his family covered for it, they were like my adopted family and I was absolutely heartbroken. They just didn’t want me to get hurt but I would’ve been less hurt if I knew sooner, left him sooner and therefore would’ve been cheated on with less people.

When I left I got checked and one of the girls had chlamydia, therefore I had chlamydia 👍🏻 Was the icing on the cake

I think you’re getting a lot of harsh replies here, it’s possible that some people are projecting a little.

Your ex dil kicked your son out of his home. She was probably hoping that he’d change to what she wanted him to be and then come grovelling back to her. He didn’t, and I don’t blame him tbh, she doesn’t get to kick him out and then act as if she’s been cheated on. She might like to think they are still together but living separately, but your son obviously doesn’t see it that way. It sounds like in his mind, they’ve split up, so if he wants to see other people then that’s up to him. That’s entirely between them, and you will never really know what happened in their relationship. It’s not your place to take sides.

If you don’t want your ds’s one night stands in your home then fair enough, I’d be the same about an adult child bring randoms home, but I don’t think it’s fair to make it all about how the dil feels about it. She chucked him out! Personally, I think it would be awful if you were to do the same, and it would take a lot more than what your ds has done to make me make my son homeless.

Show your DIL some support, she is having a baby with a hopeless man who can’t prioritise her or their kid. Let her know you’re there for her, offer support and someone to talk to. Even if she’s combative, be there. She’s entitled to be angry.

You have to accept your son may be an alcoholic - it certainly sounds like his drinking is affecting his decision making and his ability to be responsible. I’d be encouraging him to connect with AA, setting boundaries around what goes on in your house and tell your son to grow up!

"For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out?"

Yes. You don't have to disown him, but you can absolutely ask him to leave if he can't respect your rules not to bring randoms home.

She needs to be told, shes going to find out one way or another. I wish my ex's dm was as caring as you, instead all she did was give me grief for ending things with him and accuse me of not wanting him in ds life while I was sitting there having contractions. Do not be that woman, be the kind, caring woman. Tell her the truth, let her trust you, if that's the way hes carrying on then put your grandchild first and show DIL that you are there for her and the baby, otherwise she will grow to resent you like I do with ex's Dm, I can't even look at the woman without my blood boiling. If you want to have a proper relationship with your grandchild then put them first as hard as that may be. Your DS needs to grow up and mature a lot otherwise hes going to severely mess things up for himself, if he doesn't want a relationship with her then he needs to be honest too, he can still be a dad once he proves himself. From my experience, the younger the child is in a separation the less it affects them. I was a baby and ds wasn't even born and we're both happy and healthy and no harm done. You all need to have a long think and everyone needs to be honest and put the baby first

Stop fucking hand wringing, you stupid person.

Get off the internet, stop posting the same old shit and if you are real sort your act out

To be honest, if your son had turned around like this is because you have not allowed him to fend for himself. Throw him out, a few months being responsible for himself will help him to grow up. As long as you keep enabling his irresponsibility and even providing a bed for him to have sex with other women, what reasons does he have to become responsible? None.

If you throw him out he won’t become a better father but at least would stop using his income as pocket money and realise he has to be the person responsible for himself.

When my ex MIL threw her son out for his behaviour he threatened to top himself (whilst telling me he would never do that) so that she panicked he couldn’t be left alone and let him come back

She’s convinced he will change, he’s still an alcohol and drug abuser every week

Sometimes you have to make their kids live their own lives and support themselves or they won’t learn from their mistakes

I have children and I’m absolutely dreading the day so I don’t envy you OP. Best of luck

Thank goodness your daughter has told his soon to be ex girlfriend. Its been taken out of your hands which must be a relief on one level.

Honestly, your son sounds about 17-21, not thirty - and plenty of much younger chaps wouldn't behave as he does.

I understand you feel it would be difficult to make him leave your home as you may not be able to help him with the alcohol problem but you are not helping in now, if anything you're enabling him. He should go really. I'm actually surprised he doesn't want to at his age.

What does your husband say about it all, you've hardly mentioned him but he must have an opinion.

Most of my sympathy is with the pregnant girlfriend. How far pregnant is she?

I too have a son who was well brought up, who I've have been throughly ashamed of at times. He's been vile and particularly singles me out.

I would tell your DIL

You can chuck him out. My mother in law was in the exact same situation as you 4 years ago, she hasn’t seen her grandchild for 3. Because she enabled her son and said the exact same thing as you are. She said she can’t see her own child on the street. He also did the exact same things, he wouldn’t buy his child a cot or clothes or nappies. We were all shocked and disgusted at his behaviour. He’s since had another 2 with another woman. He abandoned his first child because he didn’t want the mother. No one said anything after a few months. It’s so wrong. Tough love op. Do it for your son and grandchild’s sake. Because enabling him is not going to you anywhere with him

He's 30, he has a job. You need to tell him to leave.

I really don't say that lightly. I had boomerang kids, one of whom came back for a year after her relationship ended. She was also 29/30. I understand why you find it hard to throw him out. But you need to. He's not a child. It's normal for 30 year olds to be making their own way.

You also need to show the mother of his child where you stand, especially if you want to play a part in the baby's life.

He's a man not a child
If he can hold down a decent job he can find himself a flat
Your daughter did the right thing by telling the DIL
It's a shame you did not tell her first and also tell your son what an awful human being he is...
He has absolute zero respect for you...using your home to bring back women for one night stands WTH are you thinking in any way that this is right.
You should have chucked him out that day.
Now that you know the story about the pram are you still going to keep this absolute selfish arse under your roof.
You should be supporting your DIL and helping her rather than wasting your energy on someone who prioritises alcohol over family.
You know the devastating effects already so why enable this horrible man.

@TryingToBeBold I understand your furious at other posters for saying don’t tell the dil but I said what I said from experience well my own moms experience. My dad has multiple affairs when she was pregnant with me and the stress caused me to have low heart rate in the womb my mom had to be monitored. She told me it was from the heartache and stress my own dad caused her.
I do think she has a right to know but because she’s pregnant I probably wouldn’t. Although know you’ve mentioned stds I didn’t think about that one.

I'd kick him out of your home for a start. How dare he bring random woman to your home. Kick him out and go tell dil why

My sisters mil behaved this way and my sister has now cut her out of her and the children's life completely.
You probably think you are helping him but the truth is you are just facilitating him to behave this way and that makes you guilty too.
You can either support him to screw over your grandchildren and their mother or you can choose to have them in your life. Dont expect both. She clearly isn't a stupid woman.
It might already be too late as you have already taken his side.
The truth always comes out.

Why are you blaming your daughter?! It is your son you should be angry at not your daughter!! You're enabling your son, whereas your daughter is actually looking out for your daughter in law

Say how he acted towards your daughter in law (not only do you like her, thinking about it she'll god willing be the mother of your grandchild) is completely unacceptable to you. This cheating/adultery is not ok to you in your home.

You can say he has to cut down on his drinking and stop that behaviour or leave now. Your house, your rules. He is disrespecting your good will at letting him stay there, and taking you for granted.

'never been short of anything he needs and often given what he wanted.'

Maybe that's part of the problem.

When I was 25 or under I was crap at budgeting etc, turns out I have severe mental health problems plus am not neurotypical (I have bipolar disorder, and ADHD with autistic features. The bipolar was diagnosed and I had a hospital stay at 25, but I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD etc until around age 40. It would've been hard for anyone to guess maybe, as I got a good degree and am an extrovert.) I was medicated for my bipolar and became more able to budget, the bipolar also led to wild sexual behaviour that when I'm not in an episode I no longer have.

Maybe you could say you're concerned about him? :/

' For those of you saying ask him to leave, could you really throw your son/daughter out? I don't know where he would go.'

As you say, he has a good job, he could find a room in a shared house or a flat just like any other grown up. Don't think of it as being mean, think of it as you're just fulfilling your role as a parent of trying to stop him being a 'bad person' (bearing in mind that that 'bad' person could have undiagnosed mental health problems, or at the very least is a problem drinker.)

I think having to look after himself, live independently like a grown up, would mean him having to a) get a grip and/or b) he'll end up being given the help and support he needs, as it'll bring what he needs into focus. Sometimes if someone has mental health problems of this kind, especially if they lack insight, they need to 'sink' slightly before they can swim- by having their condition come to the attention of healthcare professionals and being given the 'bouyancy aids' they need to swim- medication, help from services etc.

This is assuming all this is true to some extent of course. The other possibility is he's just a bit of a twat (or something in between the two.) Either way, in that case throwing him out would do him good, too.

Don't blame yourself necessarily- some people have an illness, or everyone has a different personality naturally. Is there anything like this in the history of the family on either side? Depression, anxiety or hypomania/bold behaviour? Or alcoholism etc?

And you could leave it down to him to decide how he explains to his GF that he's moved out perhaps? :/

Has he ever lived independently of family without living with a GF? What happened?

I was on your side until you blamed all of this on your daughter.

It's like I'm in a nightmare, my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama.

Incorrect, OP. Your daughter did the right thing, which is exactly what you should have done the moment you found out.

I know you say I'm encouraging him, but I cannot throw my son out. If he does have an alcohol problem it'll no doubt spiral and I won't be able to help him.

You’re not helping him now; you’re making him worse. You’re enabling him to shag around, get drunk, waste money and not step up to his responsibilities. Well done you.

And as for the baby, I don't know what to think for the best.

Don’t worry, your behaviour has shown your DIL she can’t trust you, so there’s no need to do any thinking.

Don't blame yourself if he's at risk of alcoholism etc, it can be genetic rather than solely because they were brought up seeing it.

Your son is a disgusting, spoilt little shit, who has never been taught to stand on his own two feet. (Who raised him?)

And you’re blaming your daughter.

Look in the mirror, love.

Me too Rezie
You should be ashamed of yourself
My X used to go back to his mums so he could shag his ex.
Well done to your DD

I hope he doesn't drive to work after all these binges

GC comes first.
Your son will never grow up until he is forced to.
You are enabling your son.
You say I cant.kick him out etc... Why yes of course you can.
I had to do with my own son.
These are excuses. It makes you feel better knowing he is ok at your house.
You would worry if you kicked him out.
So your feelings for your son trump your unborn GC and DIL.
Until you realize this you will stay in this position.