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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 19/12/2019 20:38

my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama

Your daughter did the right thing. The honourable thing. You should be supporting her rather than bitching about her. And you need to stop babying your son. By letting him stay with you, you're condoning his behaviour. You're going to need to make a choice soon. Your son or your grandchild.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/12/2019 20:39

Well, I can tell which of your children is the favourite.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2019 20:40

my bloody daughter couldn't keep her mouth shut, loves the drama

Obviously you know them and we don't, but bearing in mind it's been a month - and also repeated - are you sure she wasn't waiting for you to say something, then told "DIL" out of disgust when you didn't?

And since the remark about "keeping her mouth shut" suggests you actually had no intention of saying anything at all, I'm afraid I agree with gamerchick that you'll reap what you've sown

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 19/12/2019 20:41

If he has a job and he is 30, surely he can afford rent on a flat? Tell him he has 30 days, you'll help him look etc. Charge him rent and save it up for a deposit?

Since he is behaving like a teenager and sneaking girls back like teenagers do, tell him you'll be doing spot checks on his room and chucking out any girls you find in there.

Speak to your DiL. Explain to her that you are disgusted at your sons behaviour. Ask what support and help she needs from you. She is carrying the baby and the stress is not good for her or it. What practical help does she need now? Could you offer to pay the pram money if you can afford it?

If your son slept with an ex at the thought of being asked to spend 125 quid on a second hand pram then no its unlikely he will step up.

Mydogmylife · 19/12/2019 20:41

What a mess! Every update makes your son sound even worse I'm sorry to say. Think about what you're writing - he was asked to pay a share of a pram for his child, and in his head that somehow justified going out on the lash and bringing home a shag buddy. The horse has bolted re telling DIL, hopefully this hasn't damaged your future relationship with her. Up to you how things are going forward but I would be struggling to look at your son at the moment never mind have him living with me.

NorfolkRattle · 19/12/2019 20:42

Jingle, this is not your daughter's fault! Why the hell should she keep her mouth shut? You are a coward and should have told your DIL yourself as others have suggested
It sounds to me that your overwhelming priority has always been the enabling of your son. You say you've given him almost everything he's ever wanted, there's your problem right there! If he wants to drink to excess, he can, you won't intervene. If he chooses to bring back random women when his partner is pregnant, he can, you won't say anything. And when things go wrong, it's somehow going to be somebody else's fault and never, ever your son's.
This is why he is the way he is! You have never held him to account.

Well done to your daughter for refusing to be part of all this deceit.

Your DIL sounds sensible and as if she won't put up with any more crap from him. Great.

Khione · 19/12/2019 20:43

You have brought up a spoilt man child.

In your position I would throw him out and offer whatever support wanted to the mother of your Grandchild.

You can throw him out. He is well of age and currently is respecting no one but himself. He has a child on the way and is behaving like a child - a very spoilt child - himself.

Why should he bother to grow up whilst you are facilitating his brattish behaviour.

Mydogmylife · 19/12/2019 20:44

Just seen your update re your daughter ' loving the drama' and calling her selfish- I'm stunned! She did what you should've had the guts to do, and your sons behaviour is well past selfish, it's disgraceful. Get a grip, if you enable him any further any relation ship with your gc is over before it starts

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2019 20:46

I did think the syntax was familiar and have just realised which poster this was before the name change

Obviously I'm not going to mention the earlier name, but let's just say that the outcome so far is no surprise at all

TeacupDrama · 19/12/2019 20:47

if you won't chuck your son out you need to remove his key or say he can only stay if home by whatever time ( ie 10pm) you go to bed as you can't trust him not to bring people back,
if he doesn't like the rules he can move out I suggest you start a whole heap of rules
charge board and lodgings ( whether you need the money or not and it will be less to spend on alcohol) a fair share of food utilities and council tax

you are not charging rent that is money for the privilege of using a space so therefore you can have rules. People who have unrelated lodgers also have rules including no overnight extra guests
expect chores to be done you are not running a hotel
no hogging the living room or the TV
no guests without permission even for dinner and all guests must be introduced first
no overnight guests whatsoever for any reason for at least 6 months

if your DD is still living at home the same rules
no GF or BF staying over until 6 months into a relationship

limpbizkit · 19/12/2019 20:48

To be totally honest - is stay out of their relationship. It won't go well if you tell DIL. It's not your place to get yourself involved in this mess. Secondly you need to have a very very stern conversation with your son where you chastise him for putting you in such an akward position. Advise him to make it clear to DIL that their relationship is over and let her be free to be on her own or find someone who can commit to her. Tjej make sure he moves into his own place and support him to get help with his mental health /alcoholism.

Khione · 19/12/2019 20:48

Your daughter did the right thing. Whether for the right reason or not the mother of your grandchild deserved to know how twattish he was behaving. And it wasn't just a one off. You are (or hopefully have been) facilitating his appalling behaviour. (First time maybe a shock to you - the second time proves he knew he could get away with it due to you not chucking him out the first time).
If you are seen to condone his behaviour you do not deserve to know your grandchild.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 20:53

I think there's more chance your DIL and your new GC will keep in touch and continue to have a relationship with you, if there's no chance she's going to bump into your DS and his latest drunken conquest at your house. She'll see it as you condoning it if you let it continue.

Linning · 19/12/2019 20:54

Why would you be mad at your daughter for doing what YOU should have done in the first place? Maybe she told DIL for the wrong reasons but she had the right to know, and by choosing not to do it yourself you have put at risk your relationship with your potential grand-son/daughter.

Your loyalty shouldn't be going to your son, it should be going to the innocent baby that could have contracted a life-threatening disease due to your son's cheating habits and that will have to grow-up with a useless alcoholic of a dad.

TAKE ACTION, you cannot help your son with his alcohol problem, the same way you couldn't help your dad with his. Alcoholics need to want to be sober for it work, you cannot make them stop. BUT you can ensure you don't enable your son to continue his bad habits by letting him do it under your roof and you can ensure that your son's baby doesn't miss out on anything he needs just because his dad is a prick. If his dad won't step up then I am sorry but you should, it's not supposed to be your role but I personally wouldn't be able to look the other way knowing what was going on.

I grew up with no relationship with my father or his family and no knowledge of his parents, I have NO idea who my grandparents are and if they even know I (and my brother) are alive ( I don't even know if they are alive), but if they do and are, I would want to know why they let my father run away from his responsibilities and didn't step up in his place.

I would be mortified if it was my son and I wouldn't be able to keep him under my roof. No way.

Mydogmylife · 19/12/2019 20:56

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Oh no - don't tell me this is a poster that keeps posting about the same situation hoping for different answers!!!!!

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 19/12/2019 20:57

Your daughter has a lot more morality, dignity and compassion than you.

And if you carry on she'll also have a relationship with her niece/nephew while you have none.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/12/2019 21:02

If you didn’t let him bring people back before he he moved out and got his (ex)girlfriend pregnant then it’s reasonable to tell him the same rules apply. He may not stop with you long or he may just shag elsewhere, but if you don’t like random women in your home overnight then it’s fair to tell him so. If the reason you want to ban him from bringing women back is because you want to force him back with the mother of his child or because you don’t like his actions - that’s pretty controlling. It’s up to him whether he’s honourable or not - you can’t make him want to be with her. It’s also pretty pointless, it isn’t going to stop him shagging other women.

I would stop trying so hard to get them back together. That’s not your job and it’s not something you can do. They have to decide if they’re going to do that. You can try to build up your relationship with your DiL so you can provide support and love for your DGC.

I would consider charging him rent and save it to give to the DiL for your DGC.

The alcoholism is a harder matter. As others have said, maybe try Al Anon for some non-judgemental support and some suggestions on a way to handle things.

Khione · 19/12/2019 21:03

Oh - and you aren't stuck so much as wedged yourself into a corner with a 30 yr old manchild drunk - who will - at some stage if not already partly rightly blame you for his lack of responsibility

And set yourself up against the mother of your grandchild

CinderellasSecrets · 19/12/2019 21:07

Your daughter is not the selfish one here! You are! - you are so wrapped up in the fact that YOU look bad, and YOU might not be allowed to see you grandchild that you have put your daughter in law and grandchild health at risk, you've willing kept information from her and now your blaming your daughter for doing the right thing - the thing that you should have done immediately!

I think you ought to take a long look in the mirror before calling anyone else selfish, your son is a 30 year old man not a baby, you can help him by giving him a wake up call and kicking him out!

inthekitchensink · 19/12/2019 21:09

How about writing her a letter, no excusing or explaining re your son, just reiterate you are there for her and will be there for her & child going forward and you are utterly disgusted at him, and love her like a daughter.
Tell him he can only stay if he goes to AA, goes teetotal, has counselling, and becomes the man you hope he can be. He is not getting his family back but he can be the best possible dad & co parent he can be, he will pay whatever he is asked for (she sounds entirely reason) and never kick off about a new boyfriend or anything. He blew his chance, now he needs to man up & step up

inthekitchensink · 19/12/2019 21:10

entirely reasonable sorry

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/12/2019 21:12

Kick him out he is a disrespectful shit. Prioritise your new grandchild and tell her you are doing this because they are the important people.
Your son is 30 he can live on his own.

marblesgoing · 19/12/2019 21:12

He's a thirty year old grown man.

Your daughter did the right thing.
Stop protecting him.
If he's spent his life being given everything and never made responsible for his actions this is what you end up with.
It comes bak to bite you in the ass op.

I can't believe you and your dh have not told him no girls bak to your home. That's disrespectful altogether.

Tell him he's got a week to find his own place or room in a shared house.
Tell him your disgusted with the way he's behaving and treating his ex and you and your dh.

Too many people don't get told this or called out on their shiftiness and they continue through life causing chaos for others.

There's a baby now. He's not number one.
Tell him to act like a fucking grown up

carly2803 · 19/12/2019 21:14

take his key off him,if he isnt back before 10pm lock the door

at least you are not enabling him then!

you should have told your DIL, you clearly have a favourite child!! You have brought up aman child!, done your DIL no favours

PicsInRed · 19/12/2019 21:15

Ahhh. So daughter is the scapegoat of the family and son is the golden child. Explains a few things...like how he turned out.

Your daughter did the right thing - it's clear from your updates that your were never going to tell your son's gf (calling her "DIL", what a load of self indulgent "how nice am I" nonsense, given the update Hmm) and reading between the lines you are considering going with your son's feckless choice and cutting your "DIL" and gc out.

Proper golden child mothering. Absolute playbook stuff.