Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Smurf - i would want to know if my kid was swearing in school

Suggest you ask for a meeting with the Teacher and Senco to come up with a plan to work together. You all need to be on the same page, and let your DS know that your working together.

TBH I don’t think the teacher should be encouraging parents to talk to each other, our school is dead against that as things get out of control.

Its the disruption you need to have a plan over. I think it is really hard juggling all the children’s needs when your a single parent.

Bluntness you are also labelling.

He is perfectly happy and doing well in school and has lots of energy during the day - some children don’t need as much sleep as others.

Absolutely. But the OP’s child is struggling at school and being disruptive. At the very least I would expect her to try an earlier bedtime. 9pm is late. There is a wide body of evidence that for many children sleep is the issue.

The teacher should speak to the child. She is passing the buck.

Personally, if it was me the iPad would be gone for the foreseeable future. Until he can behave in a consistently good way at school, say a whole term, then he doesn't have it. Let him earn it back. Ditto for every other treat thing he has including 9pm bedtimes.

For me as well. 7 is old enough for a conversation that says you love him, you want what’s best for him and that includes being good in school. Obviously something isn’t working for him so you’re going to remove the iPad and later bedtimes and see whether that helps the issue.

Hi @mrssoap. Hope the school pick up goes ok.

I’ve nothing to offer on ‘shitgate’ but I have a DD a bit older than your lad who was also easily distracted in the classroom and would sometime interrupt with something completely unrelated.

She needed to focus, which is easier said than done.

What’s helped her is a small blob of blu tac. Kept in her pocket during the day and she squishes and fiddles with it. The action keeps her occupied and allows her to listen.

She’s got a lot better since. It’s like she’s distracting herself so she can concentrate if that makes sense.

Bedtime here is sometime as late as ten (I can hear the screams of Mumsnet collective horror). But she simply doesn’t seem to sleep. I was the same as a child.

As long as your consistent at home and follow up on the bad behaviour I can’t see what more you can do.

For people asking what it is in school he does. He doesn't sit still, always getting up and wondering off, he has damaged property aswel on some occasions, ripped up displays and school work. He is quite rough with other kids, not to the extent of actually hurting anyone but he's often very rough and is rude to staff, doesn't follow the rules.

That sounds like pretty dreadful behaviour, OP. I would be nipping it in the bud by any means necessary. He’s the one who will suffer if you don’t.

Nip it in the bud... Ha. Because all children do exactly what they are told, and all behaviour is a choice.

If he's at that level and is needing a 1:1 I'd be looking at investigating an ADHD diagnosis.

It sounds like an expert should evaluate him to see if there might be any psychological issues or learning disabilities which are contributing to this behavior @mrssoap.

My SIL is dealing with something similar and she feels so much better now that she has some professional help trying to figure out the issue so that her son's behavior at school can improve. (He's also totally lovely at home). As she's tried so much and it doesn't seem to be making a difference.

Because all children do exactly what they are told, and all behaviour is a choice.

Behaviour often is a choice, and no, all children don’t do exactly as they are told. Good parents take action when they don’t. They don’t throw their hands up and say “that’s kids!” It isn’t.

Sorry an hour of iPad a day is too much. My kids have their iPad during the holiday only and I'll be honest I see there behaviour go downhill when they get screen time.

My 8 year old is in bed for 8pm and we have to wake her at 730 - so he might need more sleep and less screen time.

There has to be a way that perhaps misbehaviour at school means ramifications at home?

Also yes the school needs to deal with his behaviour at school but you need to see what you can do at home to support them.

@mrssoap I really would think of removing any screen privileges until he is consistently behaving in school

How motivated would you be, if everything you enjoyed was removed for an indeterminate time, such as 'the foreseeable future'? Personally, I'd think that clearly I was never going to be able to achieve good enough behaviour to earn privileges back, so what's the bloody point.

It all seems so punitive.

Is anyone noticing anything this little guy is doing that is good? Talk about give a dog a bad name. Is he getting any sort of positive feedback? Even if it's just - hey mate, you managed to sit still for fifteen minutes! If not, particularly at school, then I could understand why he might be getting a very strong message that nothing he does is ever going to be good enough, so why bother trying.

And why wouldn't he hate it?

I just wonder if a rewards based system that focuses on recognising good behaviour and gives an impression of success, rather than a punishment based system that focuses on negative behaviour and reinforces feelings of failure, could be better in the long run?

It sounds as though he is frustrated with school and I think I would concentrate on trying to find out what might be causing that than spend more time worrying about punishments, etc. Children of 7 are not generally disruptive without a reason and since your home life sounds quite stable, the cause is more likely to be school. I would perhaps raise it with both the school and your GP (and keep both informed) to try to get to the bottom of it. It may not necessarily be cognitive, it may be something social (e.g. bullying) or physical (e.g. hearing).

How motivated would you be, if everything you enjoyed was removed for an indeterminate time, such as 'the foreseeable future'? Personally, I'd think that clearly I was never going to be able to achieve good enough behaviour to earn privileges back, so what's the bloody point.

I would be motivated to stop being rough, rude and disruptive, so I could get my privileges back.

That’s parenting. You teach the child that privileges are conditional and can be removed.

Thank you to those who have been supportive. I'm taking it all on board. I'm not taking everything he likes away, I don't think that will help him whatsoever, if that works for you and your family that's great but that's not for us. I do discipline him at home for any bad behaviour if it's at school or home.
I am working with the school to sort his behaviour, I have been for some time. After Christmas I will be suggesting some things some of you have suggested. I've got lots to think about.

I am snowed under, I've got 4 kids who's dad is absolutely useless, I've literally just started a new job, one of my kids does have special needs. I do have weekly meetings with the school about my son, I'm not sitting back doing nothing. I see a community health worker, the school nurse and parent support regularly and do everything they suggest to improve things for my son. I am trying.

I'm not taking everything he likes away, I don't think that will help him whatsoever, if that works for you and your family that's great but that's not for us.

I give up. Your poor boy.

Churchandstate, the very definition of insanity must surely be doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome.

Penalties and sanctions are imposed by the school, and have been reinforced by the mother at home. This isn't having any perceptible effect. So it's not working. The child either cannot, or will not, modify his behaviour in the face of the punishments.

So what would motivate you, is not motivating this child.

churchandstate he's not a poor boy because his mother won't try to punish him out of his problems. He's 7. He has a 1:1 TA. He has behavioural problems. All behaviour is communication and for a 7 year old who is struggling at school this is especially true.

He needs boundaries but telling his mother to remove everything pleasant from his life is one step away from telling her to spare the rod and spoil the child ...

notnowmaybelater

No it isn’t. Being firm with your boundaries around behaviour and routines is what children need. You behave, you get treats and privileges, you don’t, you don’t. That’s not punitive, it’s fair. And it is how children thrive and learn. Nothing makes me sadder than when a child hasn’t been taught how to behave because of overly permissive parenting or well-meaning but very flawed tropes like “behaviour is communication”. Yes, behaviour is communication. What is he communicating? That he has no respect for other people? Not something I would allow to carry on, for the sake of my child.

Churchandstate, the very definition of insanity must surely be doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome.

The OP hasn’t done the thing I am suggesting and is arguing that that wouldn’t work for her family, so how can I be suggesting more of same?

Being firm with your boundaries around behaviour and routines is what children need.
Yes, I would agree with that. It seems to be what the OP is doing anyway.

You behave, you get treats and privileges, you don’t, you don’t. That’s not punitive, it’s fair. And it is how children thrive and learn.
No, it isn't. It may work for some children but it isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. All children are individuals and they each require a system of reward and consequence which they can understand and which is achievable for them as individuals.

No, it isn't. It may work for some children but it isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. All children are individuals and they each require a system of reward and consequence which they can understand and which is achievable for them as individuals.

And putting myself into a child’s shoes, I would struggle to understand the importance of behaving at school if I came home and my perception was that I was being rewarded for that behaviour.