Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

@SarahNade what has what he has for breakfast got to do with anything? And he does not rule the roost thank you very much, not at all. I made that bed time as a cut off, because it fits with our family. He's often asleep before then, but if not then 9pm is the latest. I make the rules in my house, not my children but thank you for assuming the problem is all my parenting and making me feel worse than I already feel.

Can you give us a clearer picture of family dynamics eg ages of other children and if all the same father, the reason is that maybe you can divide and conquer sometimes eg if older kids have different dad can you spend more one on one time with your DS at these times? As I said in my previous post 7 is still so little with lots of thoughts and emotions going on.

Just trying to figure out how your DS can maybe get more mummy time rather than always feeling he is being ferried around with older siblings?

It was wrong of the teacher to suggest the other parent talk to you - that would never happen at my children’s school.

About bedtimes, my 7 year old doesn’t fall asleep until 10.30 and is up at 7.30. He is perfectly happy and doing well in school and has lots of energy during the day - some children don’t need as much sleep as others.

I wonder if your child might have something up like autism? My 9 year old has autism and for a time he had very disruptive behaviour in school - but is now very well behaved and happy there. He got help after he was diagnosed and an occupational therapist helped the school put strategies in place to help him.

With my son, threats of punishment from me if he misbehaved in school did not actually help him to control himself - as he lacked the tools to manage his emotions. His school have helped him to respond in more appropriate ways when he is angry. Now instead of shouting and crying, he requests a break so he can calm down.

I would let your son enjoy his ipad as it is important for him to have time to relax and be happy at home.

I wouldn’t be shocked about cursing either like some people on here seem to be. I know lots of 6 and 7 year olds and they all seem to know worse words than ‘shit’ and if my younger child heard someone say it at school - I would just explain he shouldn't use it himself, especially at school, as it sounds rude and then I’d forget about it.

@mrssoap It has absolutely everything to do with it. If he doesn't eat a good breakfast, it can affect their glycemic levels and alertness levels. It affects their behaviour.

@SarahNade ok he has 2 weetibix with a sprinkle of sugar with warm milk. That ok with you?

Well how many times have I read a thread like this? Schools used to deal with these problems, in fact once you put on the school uniform you were under their jurisdiction. Now getting back to your DS, you take away his I pad when he's naughty, other than detention, what do you think the school ought to do as a punishment, because clearly detention "which i'm against anyway" is just not working. Detention prevents neccessary fresh air and exercise, disrupts learning, allows the event to fester rather than to change behaviour, and takes up teachers time. I have known many children that behave at home, but are not taught to behave in other peoples homes, or with child minders, or teachers. Having said that YANBU about the teacher discussing the problem that way, the H T should have called you both in to the school.

@Notodontidae yes I agree about detentions In a way. My son seems to get more frustrated and angry when he's had a detention, it doesn't work.

Op, I work as a tutor of children with various difficulties including ADHD and autistic spectrum disorder. Your description of your ds is ringing some bells for me. I suggest you Google symptoms of these conditions and if you think either fit your ds then go see your GP and ask if he could be seen by a paediatrician. They can actually diagnose ADHD using a computer program now. I'm guessing you might have been asked to do a parenting programme as a precursor to this which is fine, but please keep pushing for him to see a relevant clinician.
Some of my students find that their symptoms are improved somewhat by taking a good quality fish oil supplement ( one with highest levels appropriate to age/ weight). This also might be worth a try.
Finally if your ds has experienced any trauma ( you say you are separated from his dad who is not very consistent) then this can produce trauma symptoms that can be similar to those of ADHD/ASD.
In all the above cases management of the symptoms needs to take into account the increase in anxiety the child is feeling. If his home environment is calmer and more predictable than school, this may be why he manages better there than at school where his anxiety is heightened more, and might also be why he says he hates school.

I feel like his bedtime works for us as a family

How does him going to bed at 7:30pm not work for you as a family? Families for generations and centuries have had their child in bed at the right time, without problems. It just seems like - and I'm sorry if I seem harsh, I don't mean to be cruel or anything - you're making a lot of excuses. Usually, families find it a lot easier to get the little ones to bed asap. Because then the older children/adults can properly relax - even watch programmes/movies that are more for adults. The sooner they're in bed and out of your hair the better. Late bedtimes are also linked to poor academic results and poor behaviour.

OP i dont know how you don't explode on here some wilfully obtuse replies here its frustrating to read. People look on here for support when they already feel shit, it becomes a pile on and the person regrets ever asking. I think its bad the teacher asked the parent to speak to you, what if you both had a fight in the playground??

You have my sympathy actually. If you have good management of his behaviour at home then school need to sort out what happens with them.

My son is disruptive at school terribly so always has been. He has SN and isn't in the right environment. He has been consistently failed at school, they kept saying he chooses to behave the way he does that he is bright and more able than he lets on...they have taken zero outside advise. Now a series of 4 different experts that I have needed to organise myself have concluded that none of this is true...He is developmentally years behind his peers the work is beyond him and he is reacting to that stress. Years of school blaming me...oh and I should stop sanctioning at home for behaviour at school because he doesn't have the cognitive skill to link behaviour earlier to consequence later.

I'm not saying this is the same as your son but the school do need to step up and do more than give him a TA...it's clearly not working is it? The teacher telling another parent to speak to you is pretty much the same as saying "I don't know what to do". They need to seek outside advice.

Op. Has he explained why he hates school?

When did the behaviour start? Was it coincidental with his father moving away? And how many other kids do you have?

It also does sound to me like the school is letting you down a bit, if they haven't even mentioned the possibility of ASD or ADHD.

@SarahNade that's your opinion though that 7.30 is the right bedtime and I do not agree. 7.30 would not work for my family as I'm a single parent with other children that have places they need to be, we are always home by 8.30 which isn't particularly late in my opinion. Also if I put him to bed at 7.30, I don't think he would sleep, he just wouldn't settle. He gets roughly 10 hours sleep a night as it stands which I think is enough. All children are different they are not all textbook. While I appreciate your opinion, and your time to reply to my thread, I just don't agree with you.

Oh, my take on the original situation you referenced re the swearing.
It is the end of a long and exhausting term. Parent has come in massively complaining about your ds swearing, which she probably thinks is, while out of order, not the biggest problem. She told the parent that she will mention it to you and parent has gone a bit over that top complaining. She is thinking " what else can I do about it" and because she is feeling exhausted and stuck with the parent has deflected the situation back on to you. She shouldn't have done of course but I bet it was just a feature of having so much on right now and dealing with massively over excited children and in a moment of weariness deflected it back.

I think the teacher is not being unreasonable.
If the mum only spoke with them it might be seen as gossiping about you. Plus teacher has, with all due respect, most probably more productive things to do then being some sort of referee between 2 adults. I think it’s the most honest solution to let the two of you sort it out so avoid any ‘she said/she said’

I really dislike this need some posters have to diagnose people on the internet like they are some form of trained expert.

This could be, and I'm sorry op, but it could be an unhappy kid. With s somewhat absent father, a mother snowed under, with i think at least two other kids, if not more, and one with special needs. There could be other issues at home, Stress, financial issues, Unhappy kids from a chaotic home tend to play out in school.

I'm not saying this is the case, but I am saying there are many reasons a kid can be disruptive and diagnosing him and labelling him with additional needs is not ok.

A child who is struggling academically and being disruptive in the classroom does have additional needs though.

It's not okay to label someone's home life chaotic on the information that they are a single parent with more than two children who take part in activities...

I didn't label it chaotic. I gave an example of why a kid could be disruptive. I can give many others
I was very clear I was not saying chaotic home was the reason.

And he obviously does have additional needs, but that's very different to saying he has adhd or

People should not be diagnosing folks on the Internet. It's appalling.

The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times

You seem oddly passive about his disruptive behaviour - it's bad enough that a child is upset enough to tell her parents (IME< most children don't say much about "naughty" children to their parents) and probably the whole class distracted by his behaviour. What do you do to support the school - his behaviour at school is also your problem.

As a teacher Im not even sure I would tell a parent that there child was swearing - saying the work shit - in school. Unless it was a constant and repeated offence. I would deal with it in school and remind the cold it wasn't a word we use, next time it happened they wouldn't get their star on reward chart for that part of the day.
I certainly wouldn't be telling a parent to go talk to the other parent. In saying that could it be possible that the other parent has been trying to insist on being told the ins and out of your child's behaviour or additional needs and the teacher has said something like "I can't discuss another child with you, you would need to talk to x about it " - personally I would stop with the I can't discuss another child with you but I can ensure you the matter will be dealt with but it's the end of term and both teachers and children are tired and she maybe said it without thinking hence why she was now giving you the ends up about it.
I would talk to senco though.. Unless you are in private or a very wealthy school area it's unusual for schools to have money to pay for a 1-1 unless they have a sen or behavioural support plan in place (you should have been informed/ seen a copy of that)

Excuse the spelling mistakes.. I'm only drinking my cup of coffee and getting lunch now after a hectic day of Santa visits and Christmas parties!

I thimk the po82nt sbout earlier bed time is not necessarily for him to goto sleep then but have quiet time reading etc before going to sleep and also giving you a break

*point

Oh god! I'm absolutely sick of the kids in ds class who just don't seem to know how to behave. It's so so disruptive. But as long as ops ds is well behaved at home. 🙄

Personally, if it was me the iPad would be gone for the foreseeable future. Until he can behave in a consistently good way at school, say a whole term, then he doesn't have it. Let him earn it back. Ditto for every other treat thing he has including 9pm bedtimes.

Meanwhile there will be kids struggling because of 1 or 2 badly behaved children.