Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Running home to mummy telling tales.

9pm at 7!!!
You’re in for trouble when he gets older.
I don’t think it’s wrong to discuss with another parent, you never know what they may have experience of and may have some good ideas? You’re asking other parents for advice on here... you may find it helpful?

@ButtonandPickle19 my older kids have always gone to bed at that time and I'm not in for trouble at all it works for us perfectly fine.

And I've taken loads of the advice on here. Some of it has been very helpful to me.

I wouldn't dream of going up to another parent in the playground and give hem parenting advice. Never. So I wouldn't expect it in return. And I read the schools policy like someone on here suggested and it does state they discourage that so she probably shouldn't have.

The mum didn't even come up to me anyway, she saw me but didn't say a word so I'm not that worried now, I'm just going to concentrate on my son and what can improve things for him.

But I did just think... my step son is very similar... at our house he is very well behaved and we use similar discipline techniques (no iPad, bed early, no dessert..); at school he struggles to concentrate, make friends, is very behind academically etc

He’s now 10 and is just getting diagnosed with a mixture of asd, adhd and spd

It may be some additional needs that are just coming off as “naughty”

One of the things his school uses to discipline him is Forrest school. Once a week he goes out of class to learn about nature outside and blow off steam; if he’s really bad/doesn’t meet his star chart then he misses out on Forrest school. He loves it so much it’s really really helped.

@Jeeperscreepers69 the child was?

If it was a one-off I wouldn't have approached a teacher. Just told my child that it was bad to say, etc. However, the likelihood is that that child/other kids are telling their parent/s about OPs child and their behaviour every day. In that circumstance, I'd have got fed up with the school that my child's education was being affected by another kid who acts up.

Kids tell their parents things. That should be encouraged. Keeping secrets is a bad road to encourage and go down.

@GinPin2 no I had no intention of complaining about the teacher. It's a job I couldn't do that's for sure.

Thank you :)

9pm can work perfectly fine, it all depends on when you need your kid to wake up. My five-yr-old doesn't usually nod off until after 8 but she gets up at half seven. My friend's kid the same age goes to bed shortly after six but gets up at half five...

Op I’m so sorry for you that you and your son are having such a difficult time. I don’t think a teacher should suggest a parent speak to another over what is a discipline issue at school. Your child swore and while this may be unpleasant for the other child it was not directed at the other child.
I am wondering if you or school have had any support from an educational psychologist or CAMHS to help understand your sons behaviour and what purpose it serves for him. I say this as someone who works with children with challenging behaviour.

@PepePig to be honest that is probably the case. He is very disruptive in class, so it is possible the parent has heard a lot about my child, that isn't the first parent to complain about him unfortunately.

I get it, I understand why parents would be annoyed. I just wish they knew I was trying to sort it out 😩

I work and have done for a long time as a nursery assistant, and it is actually a safeguarding issue and a massive breach of confidentiality to talk to a parent about another student at the school. They are in no way shape or form allowed to tell another parent which child had swore in front of their child. I’d take this to the head teacher 🤷🏻‍♀️

The bed time thing isn't an issue, 9pm is the latest he goes to sleep. It's often before that. Sometimes 8, sometimes 8.30. He wakes at 7.30 for school no problem.

I agree, what the teacher did was wrong, if the mum has made an official complaint to the school then all correspondence and resolutions should really go through them too. If only so they can note down how it was resolved etc, but mainly if the need arises to have further discussion then it’s on neutral ground with an impartial judge...god forbid this woman attacked you during this ‘chat’!

But really I mean how precious is she being over a word?! Another child swearing in front and of mine isn’t something I’d be that bothered with, they pick it up eventually by the time they get to seniors no need to be such a prude.
DD4 has picked up the occasional word (I have a terrible potty mouth, I come from an Irish background and swearing was part of the sentence structure growing up lol). However she knows she the rules;
• never ever at school
• not outside of the house
• never in anger
• never ‘at’ people
• never ever used against people in authority
• if your using a word you have to do it in the correct context not just willy nilly.

Swear words are just that, words, it’s not like your son walloped anyone!
The bad words in our house are fat, ugly, stupid, hate etc. Those words are far more hurtful than shit smh

@monstiebags why bring back grammar schools though? This is totally illogical. The kids who are affected most by ill-behaved children are the ones who sit in middle or bottom sets doing their best while the disruptive child (who might be any ability, but has fallen behind because they’re constantly messing about) continue to try to learn but has to put up with continued distractions. They’re the worst affected. They’ll never get into grammars.

As I move through my teaching career I’m becoming more and more aware of the lack of consequences for classroom disruptors, whether those consequences are extra help or just extra boundaries backed up by sanctions. There’s an awful lot of parents who think their offspring’s behaviour at school has got nothing to do with them.

The real problem here is a culture where merely HEARING someone say 'shit' is considered an incident. A secondary problem is @mrssoap feeling so affronted at the idea that she takes personal care of a complaint against her son. Someone just point a heat gun and rid of of these snowflakes! Merry Christmas.

Being the 'meat in the sandwich' between 2 warring parents is always difficult for a teacher. The parent who made the complaint needs to be willing to be part of the solution and this also sounds like you're not supporting the work that the school is putting in for your son. Other children are losing out on their education because of his disruptive behaviour.

I think your focus should be how can we as a team ( teacher and I ) improve my child’s behaviour . I don’t think teacher should have asked other parent to talk to you but you should be thinking about bigger issue which is yours child’s swearing and disrupting class

@Ngailia if you bothered to read through the thread you would see that's not the case at all. We are not warring parents, she complained about my son saying shit infront of her child at school. No war whatsoever.

@Ilikelegos again, please read the thread. I have been working with the school.

@HopeClearwater I'm not one of those parents.

Also taking iPad away shouldn’t be punishment , iPad time should be a reward . Keep a marbles jar , if teacher lets you know he’s had a good day put a marble in . 5 days 5 marbles - gets iPad time on weekends

Lights out at 7:30

Schools now are just jello. Pass the buck where ever they can. My granddaughter started school last intake and her behaviour has become appalling. She has always been very well mannered, disciplined and happy.
She is now disobedient, rude, moody and basically not the nice little girl she was.
This is obviously learnt behaviour within the school. Teachers need to speak to parents individually but to set one parent on another! Imagine how that could turn out!
Schools now a days!

Your son is running rings round you OP, YOU decide if he goes to bed before 9PM, not your son!

@EsmeSwan that is my decision for bed time. Not his. Read the whole thread

It does seem that saying, "Shit", in front of another child has been blown up out of all proportion, I wouldn't even consider the word swearing, frankly and I generally dislike bad language.

You sound like you are doing a fine job, mrssoap and it's more a question of your son being frustrated at school as he doesn't behave badly at home. In time and at a different school he may develop into a clever, talented lad. What does he like to do in his spare time, does he have a particular interest or hobby?

Like you, I think 9pm bedtime is fine at his age. I never forced mine to bed - it would have been fruitless anyway - and he grew up very well.

I hope everything works out.