Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Thank you @Jenpop234 @Nonnymum @Oblomov19 .

@GlamGiraffe I hadn't thought about it till posting this thread today. I am going to think about it now as it is quite possible he may have something else going on.

Sorry @GlamGiraffe forgot to answer your question about the iPad. Yes he does calm down while watching the I pad, and does love cartoons. Never really noticed before but that does seem to be the only time he's not on the go.

@Churchandstate, I agree with most of what you have said, and don’t forget good advice is rarely taken. @SproutinducingFarti. totally agree with your comments on ADHD, especially where a separation has occurred, the child is in pain, missing his/her dad but it only manifests itself in certain places. If the child feels they cannot talk freely at home, e.g. mum is still upset, they can be aggressive or disruptive away from home, If mum shows bitterness and resentment over the split, then the child will be disruptive at home. A child really needs both parents, of course you can get away with one, especially if the split was not acrimonious, but it is not the ideal.

Notodontidae
I don't think this is what I meant though about trauma.
The op sound like she would be great at giving her ds room to talk about feelings. Trauma is more complicated than this.
If a child has been traumatised by something it can create a significant anxiety that can manifest itself in behaviour that is similar to ADHD or ASD traits.
It isn't to do with only having one parent. Trauma can be caused by all sorts of things and a child can be catapulted into an anxious traumatised state that means they behave in difficult ways and usual behaviour management techniques don't work when they are triggered.

@Notodontidae none of what you said relates to me, my son and my life. There is no bitterness, I'm certainly not upset about splitting from the kids dad 2 years ago, it was my decision to split and I have never been sad about it. He was emotionally abusive, financially abusive, and lazy.
He's an "ok" dad to the kids, he sees them, just not regular, and he isn't reliable which probably does not help with my sons behaviour. And my children can all talk freely, I encourage it.

It sounds like you are trying your best and have routines that work for your child. If your child is “misbehaving", he is trying to tell the adults in his life that something is not right - the difficulty is knowing what.

What to do? Make an appointment to meet with the Senco and class teacher as early as possible next term to look at his academic progress as well as the behaviour.

It sounds most likely that there is an underlying special educational need of some type. ADHD has already been mentioned and his needing less sleep might fit with that. The Senco will tell you if the school is thinking along those lines, although they can not diagnose.

It may be that he is beginning to struggle academically. What does he say about how he is getting on? It's often easier for a child to misbehave to avoid doing a task that they think they would fail at. Difficulties are not always obvious from the start of school or school may have taken a “wait and watch” approach, or not tackled any learning difficulties as the behaviour issues have been more pressing or masked an underlying problem.

Again, the Senco and class teacher should be able to tell you what his progress is like. Some difficulties like Dyslexia can not be tested for until they child reaches about age 7, so ask if they think that might be an issue. However, before looking for any learning difficulty, always get eyesight and hearing checked in case there is a problem that has not been picked up, but is enough to cause him to struggle in school.

You can expect that School should be setting achievable academic and behaviour targets for him to work towards and putting in place strategies to help him achieve this. Also that they will action any referrals that might help (although in some areas the quickest way to get the help a child needs through Health is via the GP, but the Senco will tell you if that is the case).

One last thing to consider/ eliminate is whether his sibling's special needs are impacting on your DS?

Finally, to address your initial point, the teacher shouldn't have told the parent to speak to you directly about your child's behaviour in school. However, if the parent went on to also complain about something outside her remit, e.g. about something that happened out of school, the teacher might have directed the parent to speak to you.
If the parent approaches you inappropriately, direct them back to the school.

I do already meet with the school regularly but I will ask about the possibility of adhd next time and see what they say.
He does struggle academically, he says he just finds it too hard, but as you have mention eye sight and hearing, his hearing is fine but eye sight is not good. He wears glasses but takes them off and purposely breaks them in school 😩. He has all his class work enlarged because of his eye sight and as I'm typing this I'm starting to think maybe this is part of his frustration?!

Also I would not be surprised if my daughters special needs impacted the whole family, she's a very very difficult child but I do make so much effort to spend time with my other children just me and them so they don't feel she gets all the attention as she does take a lot of my time, but I'm always aware of that.

Maybe a sen school would be best if you can prove he needs to be there. After many years of training to reach in an sen school I'm fairly sure I know what I'm on about. Maybe the school need further training. You would be surprised at lack of sen training and behaviour training staff have. The young people I taught tended to rebel to start and then after around 6 weeks they would cooperate. Lives become better and some even got jobs when leaving school. Simple things such as now and next cards to go along with rewards. Rewards need to be little and often so that they are achievable and i would say being able to win back rewards or items often is also positive to start with. Needs building up but also sticking to. Could the rewards come home so he can earn them all the time? Could the iPad be used as a reward at school. Eg 5 mins iPad for a achievable goal. Rewards work best when even the most basic thing is used as a reward ad long as its motivating. No extra rewards everything is earned but often maybe to start every hour.

Hi @mrssoap has he just gone into yr3? The difference in work between yr2 and yr3 we found to be quite a lot. More work focussed and less ‘cuddly’

We had a crap time til Easter.

No year 2. Reception to year 1 is the biggest jump in our school, he struggled with that, as it goes from all play to pretty much all work! He finds school boring, hates it. He's only happy when he's outside running about.

OP I've read most of the thread but not all of it. It sounds very difficult. It sounds as though you are doing your best but you must be run ragged with 4 children, a job, a useless ex and an older child with SEN.
Does your son have friends at school? I am wondering if he has a bit of a vicious cycle going where he's seen as the "naughty one" so people don't play with him then he's abbey and upset and resentful in class so acts more like that and it becomes a cycle of not

Apologies - pressed enter too early.
Not being played with etc.
I know you must be incredibly busy but could you maybe organise a couple of play dates with children who will then see that your son isn't always "naughty" and might start to befriend him at school?
Small children are often very judgmental and I wouldn't be surprised if this is happening.
For him to "hate school" at his age is very sad but I appreciate he finds it hard to articulate why. Maybe over Christmas all him what would make school good/better/fun. Then you might find out the bits he struggles with most which might give you a handle on why he's acting out when he's there.
I would also ask school for an educational psychologist referral. If they're spending school money on a 1-1 they'd probably be happy to do this - they might be worried about your reaction if they suggest it.
If there is a diagnosis it's worth getting. If there isn't a diagnosis that's also worth knowing because then you can deal with the behaviours more in isolation.
Have a good break over Christmas OP - sounds like you both need it!

Yanbu

And the whole issue has been hugely blown out of proportion.

Who actually cares if a 7 year old child says shit in front of another child? Plenty of adults have said shit around me and I don’t really care, so why is it different for a child.

Just tell the child not to swear at school as schools need to have a set level of behaviour and expectations (like adults do at work) so that children can learn in a calm and respectful environment. And tell the other child to ignore it as obviously the other child was being disrespectful and making a poor behaviour choice at school.

I don’t even understand why the teacher thought this was a huge behaviour issue.

And telling the other mother to talk to you is hugely inappropriate and just.... odd.

Sorry to re-raise the spectre of the Holy Bedtime, but just wanted to say that I could never get either of my boys to sleep before 8:30 at night, even when they were tiny. If I tried and they did actually fall asleep, they would wake again within half an hour and then would NOT go back to sleep for another few hours, earliest 11pm, because the edge had been taken off their tiredness.
8:30pm was the ideal time to get them to sleep through. Some children need to go to sleep earlier, some later. Mine always slept well until around 8am, which was fine by me - and when they started school, they were both going to bed around 8:30-9pm, and always up by 7:30 for school.
Neither of them displays disruptive behaviour like the OP's child, and neither of them is sleep deprived to the point where their behaviour or demeanour is affected.

Not all children are the same!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you, that's exactly it. One of my friends kids all go to bed at 6pm every night without fail, then are up at 5am. That works for her and her kids, but certainly wouldn't for mine.

@Modernhistorybuff yes he is actually popular in school, his teachers words. Gets on with everyone.

@mrssoap it sounds like you're doing a great job as a mum, withing the limits you have. You also sound really patient!

My view is that the teacher got bullied into making the suggestion to the other parent to talk to you. Angry parents can be quite intimidating. It was wrong of her to suggest this, as it has blown a minor transgression into 'shitgate'!

I do wonder whether the school is providing enough stimulation for the higher energy children like your son. If he likes running around, perhaps you (and the school) could use this as a reward for good behaviour? It also strikes me that they aren't giving him any positive experience of school - just negative. Rewards generally work better than punishment. But only when warranted.

Disruptive children are such a problem - even in supposedly high ability classes. Bring back grammar schools. That's all I'm going to say on the matter.

Oh, and I left teaching because I was sick to the back teeth of spending all my free time dealing with parents. Now I've finished.

@monstiebags fully believe you. Worked in nursery till my ME and fibro made part time impossible if I still wanted to look after 80% of the house chores too. Hated dealing with parents. Fiancé says he wants to get into teaching lol. Showed him educating yorkshire for him to see if he knows what he is getting into

The teacher’s conduct is inappropriate. I’m a governor at my child’s school and we passed a parent/carer code of conduct that warns against parents approaching other parents regarding incidents that have happened at school. As it has happened at school it’s sometimes hard to establish the facts when you have only heard one side. It also puts you in a very difficult position. I would speak to her line manager to work out if the teacher’s conduct is deemed the appropriate course of action by your school. Out of interest, how old is your child?

Thanks, thought i was going to get pilloried - looking at post with one eye closed just in case. lol

As long as you are supporting the school in their strategy for handling your son, and making it clear to your son that you agree his behaviour is unacceptable you don't need to do anything else. It's for the school to handle what happens at school.

@Jaded1 he's 7

I couldn't be a teacher I know that much! I like his teacher to be fair, she's always been nice enough, I wasn't planning on complaining about her I just didn't think it was appropriate to tell another parent to talk to me about something that my child did in school. Bearing in mind none of us were actually there

You sound as though you have everything under control, that's brilliant. No, school should not have directed the other parent to speak to you. However, that teacher is probably completely and utterley exhausted at the moment, almost to the point of crying, please don't be too hard on her and certainly do not moan to management about her. Have a lovely Christmas and let's hope that she does too.