Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

PS: If your son was sleep deprived he wouldn't be getting up easily at 7.30am! It sounds as though he has plenty of sleep.

We also have to remember the boy is only seven, in another year or two he could be quite different.

When I worked in a school I was surprised by the amount of teachers who didn't believe in certain SEN, mainly ASD & ADHD that showed up as behavioural problems. I think there's some of that kind of thinking on this thread.

Just to be clear, I absolutely do “believe in” ASD and ADHD (it’s not like believing in fairies - those conditions exist). But they are also very often confused with or overlap other conditions.

@LemonPrism she's 34.

For certain posters the point of every behaviour issue thread is to convince the OP they're shit and no other possibility should be considered.

Also even without ADHD/ASD some kids are less mature at 7 than others, they take longer to adapt to school. They get stressed and misbehave.

OP, you are caring for 4 children, one with SEN and your son with the issues you have outlined. You are trying to make sure they get to take part in out of school activities and balance everyone’s needs to achieve the best solution for your family. You are working with school to achieve this, and putting into practice the suggestions they make.

You are ace. . It sounds like you now need another level of support via GP or Ed Psych to see if there is a possible diagnosis to be made. If your DS is diagnosed with a specific condition/disorder, it may be a little easier for you (and school) to access the support he now needs. If not, it’s worth trying to notice the positives, as pp have suggested. The school could help you by doing the same - praising him for little things and telling him when you notice him doing something helpful/focused/kind etc. Also just talking with him about what he is doing - painting, using Lego, doing sport - along positive lines, and opening up conversations along the lines of positive commentary on what he is engaged in. Sometimes DC will open up a bit more about what worries them at school when you do this, and you might get a bit of extra insight into what’s going on.

Wishing you every success, and hope you get the professional support you need to continue being a great mum to your children

@BubblesBuddy of course it's normal for primary kids to swear! They're usually just not usually overheard. I remember everyone at my posh village primary swearing on the sly in the 90s.

Not acceptable but very normal

@ThreeAnkleBiters seems to be the case 😩. I can't feel shittier than I already do anyway.
Thank you @whyayepetal.

Has he been seen by a educational psychologist? Given the level of problems in school, the school should be seeking advice.

You sound like a good parent; not all behaviour problems are down to parenting!
As a teacher I say...perhaps it’s different in other schools/areas, but in the schools I’ve taught, if a child has 1-2-1 for behavioural problems aged 7, there is definitely likely to be some SEN there, and a diagnosis or even just better understanding of the difficulties will help him.

@Sockwomble no, but it's something I'm going to bring up with them in the new year when he's back at school.

It must be so hard mrssoap, you're having to be all things to all people in your family, with, from the sounds of it, very little support.

BubblesBuddy of course it's normal for primary kids to swear! They're usually just not usually overheard. I remember everyone at my posh village primary swearing on the sly in the 90s.

Dd1 who is in year 6 (and rebels against the family by not questioning a thing authority figures say and who is apparently perfect at school) I have caught using the f-word several times . It is totally normal and I was almost impressed

Also baffled by a child who disrupts a class at 7 has special needs well possibly but they may also be a bit immature and a free spirit not suited to the school environment.

Yanbu op the school shouldn't do that. Dd2 we have had some issues with in school and a daily report worked for her. You sound like you are trying to do all the right things so hopefully it will settle down if you keep going. One key thing I think is just no excuses - not liking teacher/ it being other children's fault etc. You hear so many parents saying 'x is a bad influence' erm no your child is misbehaving take responsibility for it.

For certain posters the point of every behaviour issue thread is to convince the OP they're shit and no other possibility should be considered.

Yeah those imaginary dc who from the age of 2 walked round with books on their heads, sat down to dinner and held adult conversations, waited patiently in queues with their parents.

However if your child is disrupting the learning of other children I would be doing everything within my power to change that rather than start questioning the teacher.

The two aren't mutually exclusive - the OP can work to improve her son's behaviour AND be disappointed that the teacher encouraged another parent to approach her with an issue that should have been dealt with in school. She's not questioning whether the treatment of her son was appropriate, but wondering about the benfits of pitting parents against one another over incidents that neither have witnessed.

well possibly but they may also be a bit immature and a free spirit not suited to the school environment.

“Free spirit”. I associate “free spirit” with someone who holds unconventional opinions, is dreamy or imaginative, is stubborn etc. Not someone who trashed the classroom. Come on.

That particular poster stated disruption at 7 = SEN. I call nonsense on that. Trashing the classroom is another level on that we agree and a lot more worrying.

@mrssoap but I'm not always told of every little thing he does.

we have a child that sounds similar in my sons class. He has a little red notebook and everyday the school write EVERYTHING he does down in it. Even to the extent of "leaning back on his chair" or "not listening properly". After every lesson they update it (doable if he has an aid like I think you mentioned earlier). Then they are on top of it at home as well. Maybe suggest this?

doodleygirl I agree with you. I don't think you should punish him at home for something that happens at school. That means he is punished twice and is unfair. It doesn't sound as if it is working either. Has he always been difficult at school or has it just been with this teacher? She does sound to be struggling with him.
I agree with others that you and the school need to get to the bottom of the real issue what is causing the disruption at school? . I don't think anything will improve until you are able to work out why he is behaving this way.

@sleepingkat2020 yes I think your right. I will suggest this to them in the new year for sure.
@Nonnymum he has always been disruptive yes, he's got worse this year though definitely.

YANBU I am a teacher and would never act like this. In my class, it is my responsibility to sort out behaviour problems. If I tell parents, it's just to keep them informed. The teacher should be sorting out the problems herself. As long as you are enforcing discipline and manners at home (sounds like you are), giving your child adequate sleep and a breakfast each morning the you are doing everything you can.

mrssoap you sound like a very good parent, you obviously love your children and are trying to sort out your child's behavioural issues. Please don't listen to the PPs who just seem to critisise. I think you are doing a great job.!

I disagree with this. I have strong views on it. The teacher should deal with it. Never ever direct a parent to speak to the other parent. Ever.

@mrssoap
Can I ask how your son is with his iPad or TV? Does it completely calm him down?
Your sons behaviour rings loud bells over cases of ADHD as autism as pps have suggested.
Many ADHD kids are often completely relieved and calmed by watching am iPad or cartoons. There are suggestions that their brains cant hope with keeping up with "sorting out and making sense" of the information around them fast enough but on a cartoon for example its already there in fast easy to understand for and is very digestible for the brain. It's easy and the most relaxing thing for their brains. Information without difficulty coming fast.

At school perhaps the information is not in a way he can understand it.
Its do important a full picture needs to be established. All these tiny bits of the puzzle need working out.
Would your son be able to express when he is crazily frustrated at school and go to run a playground circuit at that moment? - I know a child who has to do this. School sound like they have committed to trying to something, but sitting your struggling son with someone glued to his side all day might not be the best thing for him, different kids need different strategies. He might need a strong sense of routine, or obvious breaks to run about, or a fidget spinner yo play with, or to write in pink crayon all day.

I think in the long term it's worth asking in school might consider if some type of diagnosis is potentially an issue as this can massively change the situation and make your life a life less stressful too.