Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

@churchandstate but he's my child and I know him best, and I say he does not need 12 hours. He's not tired in the day. I don't get why your so obsessed with my child's bed time like it's going to be the magical cure. He often gets 11 hours sleep, he sometimes gets 10, he wakes up at 7.30 no problem.

@churchandstate

You seem weirdly obsessed that OP is to blame and something as simple as putting him to bed earlier will solve the problem. As a PP said unless OP is daft or neglectful she'll be putting her kid to bed at a time at which he'll actually fall asleep. That's how normal parents do it. When you have a very young child you put them to bed at 7pm, as they get older they don't fall asleep then anymore so you push back their bed time. No 7 year old I know needs 12 hours sleep - that really would be an unusual amount of sleep to require at that age. There's no evidence to suggest OP's child is so unusual and your nasty tone isn't helpful at all.

Thank you @NomNomNomNom . I'm really not sure why @churchandstate is so obsessed with the bed time thing when it's not a big issue.

CripsSandwiches

I’m not “obsessed” with anything. I think the OP ought to try what she hasn’t tried, to help her DS with what seems to be a serious behaviour problem. Whether or not she actually does that is her business!

OP, read my linked article. Sleep deprivation in children your son’s age often doesn’t present as tiredness. It presents as the behaviour you are describing.

@CripsSandwiches exactly. @churchandstate I did read it. He is not sleep deprived.

@churchandstate

I've read the link and I've worked with kids. Yes tired kids are more impulsive and find it harder to function in school but you can tell which kids those are - it's easy to spot. OP has said she has observed her son he has no issue waking up and doesn't appear tired. You seem bizarrely obsessed with his bedtime as if this is a magic cure all for all behaviour issues.

And in any case, he may well not be sleep deprived. It’s more likely just a lack of boundaries surrounding how you expect him to behave. But again, you don’t want to remove privileges so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, not “obsessed”. Having an opinion isn’t an obsession. Get a grip.

The teacher was quite wrong to ask another mum to speak to you. She was right, however, to speak to you herself. Also, if as it sounds, your son swore in front of the other child ('oh shit!') rather than at her ('you're a shit!'), then this is bad behaviour in school, but not personal abuse of the other child, so I'm surprised that the other mum got involved at all.

^But an early bedtime may have benefits beyond its direct impact on sleep duration. Indeed, “when a child sleeps is probably as important or maybe more important as how much,” explains pediatrician Marc Weissbluth, author of the best-selling book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. That’s because the sleep that happens earlier in the night tends to be more restorative than sleep that takes place later at night and in the early morning. So putting your kid to bed early may ensure that a higher proportion of her sleep is the extra-restful kind.

And well-rested kids behave quite differently than sleep-deprived kids. In that same interventional study I mentioned earlier, the 7- to 11-year-olds who were put to bed an hour earlier for five nights were rated by their teachers (who didn’t know that they’d gotten more sleep) as being less irritable and impulsive than usual. A similar study found that four nights of going to sleep an hour earlier made 8- to 12-year-olds more even-keeled and boosted their short-term memory, working memory, and attention skills compared with kids who had their bedtimes shifted later by an hour. Another study found that 2-year-olds who had early bedtimes were, at age 8, 62 percent less likely than those with later or inconsistent bedtimes to have attention problems and 81 percent less likely to have aggression issues. ^

Links to these medical studies can be found on the article: slate.com/human-interest/2016/05/put-your-kids-to-bed-early-to-make-them-smarter-happier-and-fitter.html

Some children do need 11-12 hours. There has also been studies that show the more sleep adults get before midnight, the better sleep they get, - I read that in health magazines 20-odd years ago, but haven't come across that on the internet yet.

I spent a few days with a friend a while back and saw how she parented her sons (a bit older than mine). Very limited iPad, TV, treats and very sensible bedtimes. Clear instructions. The expectation they would do as they were asked and if they didn’t, removal of privileges. Lots of fun, exercise, cuddles and games.

Lovely, lovely children.

And I'm sure that works for some children. FWIW, my style of parenting has been to have clear expectations of behaviour but I have not used removal of privileges as a punishment, nor have I actively limited things like treats or screen time. My children, older than both yours and your friends by the sound of things are also lovely, lovely children, or so I have been told by their teachers and other, often older, members of our community ("exemplary behaviour", "cannot fault his/her behaviour/attitude", "a absolute credit to you", "you must be very proud of him/her").

As I said earlier, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting.

@churchandstate

Wow I love your psychic powers where did you get them? You seem much more worried about patronising the OP and putting her down than offering any helpful insight. If OP's DS behaves fine at home and only has issues at school it's obviously not a lack of boundary issues. Removing privileges hours after misbehaviour at school won't have any affect whatsoever. He needs help managing his behaviour at school not a regime in which all privileges are removed for events which aren't even connected.

Oh god I hate those parents like @churchandstate that are absolutely convinced they know it all.

@churchandstate you are just not helping whatsoever, please just scroll on by.

Saying I don't want to remove privileges is rubbish, that's exactly what I do do!!!!!

Okay, OP. Good luck with this.

Removing privileges isn't working, I don't know why you're still doing it.

Sounds like the teacher is at the end of her tether. Cannot stand disruptive kids like this, affecting all the other kids. You need to sort it out.

@itsmecathycomehome I can't win can I? If I take privileges away it's wrong, if I don't it's wrong!

It does work, to a certain extent it works as it has improved his behaviour at home. He's still being worse at school, I don't know why, I'm trying to figure that out.

@Quirrelsotherface please read the whole thread. I am trying to sort it out!! If only it was that simple!

Ok @SarahNade 🙄

You need to sort it out.

Actually, school and parent need to work together to 'sort it out'. And they are. It's just not that simple as some seem to think it is.

Also, as one of the lucky ones who has very compliant and conforming children, who are very academically inclined, I've also had to accept and get them to accept that disruption occurs - and help give them coping techniques to minimise the impact on them.

Oh blimey, he said, "Shit". I thought he really swore, eg F & C words. 'Shit' is nothing.

The teacher was wrong to suggest the other parent speaks to you and the other parent sounds a bit of a wally if she is making a big deal out of that word. Unless there's more that you don't yet know.

It's strange that he acts up at school and is quite good at home. Maybe he's at the wrong school, isn't sufficiently stimulated there. Just a thought.

Is the teacher very young?