Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

@SarahNade it's ridiculous these days. I once saw an excellent caricature drawing of parent teacher relationship in the past and how it is now. In the past parents and teachers were on one page these days in most peoples eyes their children can do no wrong and if then it is the school at fault not the child

@churchandstate fully agree. Clearly he does not see the punishiment unpleasant enough to change his behaviour the reward for being good as opposed to bad is just not good enough

I think this sounds tough OP. I'd make an appointment to speak to the school SENCO in the New Year.
Ask about an education psychologist. The waiting list may be long but get on it soon.

I spent a few days with a friend a while back and saw how she parented her sons (a bit older than mine). Very limited iPad, TV, treats and very sensible bedtimes. Clear instructions. The expectation they would do as they were asked and if they didn’t, removal of privileges. Lots of fun, exercise, cuddles and games.

Lovely, lovely children.

This isn’t the first time I have made these observations. I am from a family full of children and I am a teacher myself. I know what tends to work and what doesn’t tend to work with getting children to understand why they need to do and not do certain things.

Some children (and adults) have brains that work differently and a different approach needs to be taken. If this child has ADHD he'll still have it even with 0 minutes of iPad time.

If this child has ADHD he'll still have it even with 0 minutes of iPad time.

And if he doesn’t have ADHD and actually his sleep is being disrupted by tech too close to bedtime and a too-late bedtime, and his behaviour is linked to his routine and habits?

@churchandstate I was referring to the poster who said my son was a "poor boy" because I wouldn't take the things he likes away. Can't remember who said that. In no way have I said that advice and support only means what I agree with 🙄. It's like people come on here and just make stuff up.

I have said several times I appreciate the advice I have received. That includes those I don't agree with. You have very strong views, I don't agree with them. That does not mean I'm not willing to change my sons behaviour, it means simply what I've said, that I don't agree with you. But you can't seem to accept that I don't agree and won't do what you suggest. We have different views.

Clearly he does not see the punishiment unpleasant enough to change his behaviour the reward for being good as opposed to bad is just not good enough

If he has ADHD or similar then it's potentially not going to make any difference. He has 1:1 support at school and that is not provided lightly in these days of cuts to school budgets and there being no cash. It's not a matter of finding a punishment unpleasant enough, it's about supporting him to help him to learn to regulate his behaviour as much as possible.

That was me. I honestly do feel a bit sorry for him. There are things suggested here that could make a huge difference for his future chances. And I accept we have different views but, with all due respect, OP, I’m not the one with the son trashing the classroom and failing at school. I say that with kindness. Try looking at solutions you wouldn’t usually try, and see what happens?

@churchandstate who said he has his i pad close to bed time? I've said he has his I pad for an hour a day.

I said “if”, OP. I don’t know when he has the iPad.

@churchandstate and I have taken a lot of it on board and taken the advice, just not yours.

I’m not the only one suggesting a former line, am I?

Firmer

The kid is good at home because they spend all their time playing on some sort of device, and misbehaves at school because the stimulation is different and doesn't hold their attention the same.

This, I'm afraid. I think your child can't delay gratification or accept that they need to entertain themselves.

@churchandstate
You sound quite naive and unaware about the inherent, genetic differences between children (both those with and without neurological differences). Yes limited screen times and sensible bed times is always good advice but to imagine that that's all that is required to ensure all kids are well behaved and calm - especially in a school environment is ridiculous.

NomNomNomNom

Yeah, not naive.

tictac86 firm boundaries and instant reaction are key I agree. That's completely different from a long term punitive regime of austerity measures at home until some woolly point at which the child transforms magically from good to bad!

I agree with bedtimes 100% but not that there is one set in stone correct bedtime. 7 year olds need 9 to 12 hours sleep, dependent upon the child. Bedtimes need to be set to ensure the child gets the sleep they need, not to be at a set, fairly arbitrary, hour approved of by random internet posters. A child asleep by 9pm and waking at 7:30am is sleeping 10.5 hours per night.

All my children still go to bed at 7:30pm in the week (8 and 12 year olds because I enforce bedtime and read to them - yes the 12 year old too - and my 14 year old goes then voluntarily because she knows she needs to read quietly in bed for a while and fall asleep early to cope with her fairly demanding school). However my children have to catch their school buses at 6:30am (secondary) and 7am respectively so get up at 6am on the dot. The OP's son doesn't have to wake up until 7:30am, so my children get the same amount of sleep with a 7:30pm bedtime he gets with a 9pm bedtime. ... I'm assuming nobody would advocate a 6pm bedtime? It'd be hard to fit around football training, which ends at 7pm ...

There is no way that a punishment at home is going to make a huge amount of difference to a young child, especially if he has ADHD. That kind of attitude just completely goes against all that is known about child development.

Bedtimes need to be set to ensure the child gets the sleep they need, not to be at a set, fairly arbitrary, hour approved of by random internet posters. A child asleep by 9pm and waking at 7:30am is sleeping 10.5 hours per night.

And some children need 12. How is anybody ever going to know if this is one of those children if nobody tries putting him to bed earlier?

I used to be a teacher and the children who's problems were caused by lack of sleep hygiene were not ones asleep by 9pm and with a 7:30am wake up time, getting 10.5 hours sleep. They were the ones falling asleep at 1am watching unsuitable TV and getting to school late most days because nobody woke them or their parents overslept.

Sorry I'm not sure who asked about the school run, but it was ok, I know who the parent is now as I spoke to my son about it. I saw her after school and she didn't say anything to me 🤷‍♀️. My son said that he did say shit infront of the other child, and his teacher put him in detention. I've explained to him he shouldn't say words like that and he said he knows, he knows he shouldn't have, and to be fair it's not common for him to swear at school as far as I know.
The parent support at school actually said that taking everything away from him probably wouldn't have the desired affect, she is the one that advised me to do what I'm doing, taking it away when he's misbehaving but only for that day.

And some children need 12. How is anybody ever going to know if this is one of those children if nobody tries putting him to bed earlier?

Unless OP is a complete idiot she'll have worked out her child's bedtime so that he gets enough sleep.It's tempting to believe that you're a genius at parenting and you could solve everyone else's problems with good old common sense. It's usually not the case. There are a few issues with behaviours in my DC's classes. In both cases the issue doesn't exist with other siblings.

notnowmaybelater

Look at the evidence surrounding this. If the OP’s child needs 12 hours and is averaging 10, he’s sleep deprived.

Unless OP is a complete idiot she'll have worked out her child's bedtime so that he gets enough sleep

That’s nonsense. She might think he is getting enough sleep but actually he isn’t. She won’t know until she adjusts his habits and looks at the result.

Did you read the link I posted about the demonstrable link between tiredness and hyperactivity/impulsive behaviour in children?