Hi everyone.
Wow!! Thank you all so much I feel so overwhelmed by all of your support and kind words. I honestly am so thankful it’s helped me more than you’ll ever know.
Sorry I haven’t updated. I asked my mum to take my phone off of me and hide it so I wouldn’t message him or the ow anything I’d regret. He communicated via my mum. He called non stop but she only spoke to him twice. First time she reassured him that me and our son were safe and well and then the second time she organised for us to meet.
We met last night at our house. It was the weirdest thing in the world seeing him. There were so many tears from both of us. He admitted everything, he had to I guess but I’m glad he didn’t spin me a web of lies, I imagined him saying ‘it’s not what it looks like’ or something but he knew I’d seen everything. He doesn’t have a reason as to why. They were having sex. They met on a night out, he says he was paralytic drunk the first time but ended up liking her, but not loving her. He says he loves me but was stressed at the thought of becoming a dad and found it therapeutic to have something in his life that wasn’t serious. Fucking dick head. As if I wasn’t scared to be a mum? But I dealt with that by reading baby books and going to NCT not shagging someone else!!
He also tried blaming his actions on the death of his brother but that’s a lie as it had started before he’d even died, I find it so sick he tried to use that as en excuse, I think he hoped it would tug on my heartstrings and make me feel sorry for him. He’s desperate to get back together and to move on but I know I could never truly forgive him and I don’t want to raise my son in a fake, hostile environment. I don’t want to fuck him up just because I’m too scared of being on my own. two happy homes are better than one unhappy one. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s over.
I’m going to be ok financially. The house is in both of our names. My parents will house me and my son until the house sells And my mum will help with childcare so I can get back to work (I’m so lucky, I don’t know how I’d be dealing with this without my family)
I’ve been coping with all of this by taking the emotions out and dealing with logistics and practical things. I went to a sexual health clinic, I sorted the room me and my son will be staying in etc. These things keep me going but it’s like I’m on autopilot. I’m numb. When we met, of course I was emotional but I didn’t feel anything towards him even when he was crying. I guess this is normal? It will probably all hit me soon. I’m so sad my son is involved in this but I also don’t know how I’d have coped without him. I can’t lay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself because I have him, so I think he’s keeping me afloat.
I haven’t messaged the ow. I have drafted texts but not sent them. What the hell do I say? He’s admitted everything I need to know about their relationship. I just want to know if she knew about me and our son. He said she doesn’t, but he’s not got the best track record for me being truthful clearly!! I really really want to have a good Christmas with my son, and I think speaking to her will knock me, especially if she says things that are different to his version of events so if I do message her it will be after christmas .
Me and my friends are going out tonight, I’m going to drink wine and dance and I’m sure I’m going to cry but I feel like I need to. My circle of people around me have been nothing short of amazing. I was so embarrassed to admit it, part of me still wanted to protect him?!?
My mums just dropped our son to him. He’s got him til tomorrow. I’ve blocked his number but he’s been emailing me, I can’t even bring myself to read them.
I’m so sad about the house, it was our home we bought to raise our family in. But it’s just bricks. I’ll find a new house.
Thank you all so much honestly. Every message of support bought tears to my eyes. Mumsnet is a great place!!