To think it’s socially acceptable in Britain to shout at children?

[backdoormadness]

Since I’ve noticed how disgusting some parents talk/shout/disrespect their children I see it everywhere.

-the neighbours who for six months of the year I can hear them yelling at their kids in the garden (their garden is about 10x15m). Most ironically the dad yelling at them as they were playing too loudly (it wasn’t the kids disturbing my peace).

-when I said excuse me to a lady in a shop who turned around to her child “get out of the way” (it was her trolley in the way). I’m sure if it was he Oh she would have said “babe, you’re in the way”.

• the toddler who was happily dillidalling walking in an empty car park as she was watching a huge flock of birds in the sky “I’ve had enough of you, get in the car NOW, I TOLD YOU TO MOVE”. Just imagine if it was her OH talking to her like that, everyone else in my party would have flinched but as it was to a child it’s somewhat acceptable?

These last two have been in the last week.

I wish it was more acceptable to challenge this kind of ‘parenting’, or at least for it not to be seen as normal.

There's shouting, shouting and ranting.

I've heard occasional foul-mouthed, disproportionate tirades that were uncalled for. Sadly I haven't intervened as the risk of escalating the situation for the child or ending up in a fracas is too high. When it's a random stranger in public, there's not much you can do other than hope they are on the radar with nursery/ school/ SS.

Shouting for attention in an urgent situation or when previous methods haven't worked, fair enough.

Somewhere in the middle is the final straw where a parent ends up snappier than is ideal because of a string of petty, aggravating incidents building up. The supermarket is the perfect environment for these and yes, I'm guilty of having done it. I'm trying to get a job done, and trying to not get in the way of others and my DCs have a totally different agenda, and not in a mood for more persuasive methods, nor are alternatives like 2 mins of time out appropriate like they would be at home. Alternatively I could let them be feral hellbeasts either by tactically ignoring or by some ineffective gentle simpering at them, but I don't think that's particularly sociable either. It turns out we've been dealing with undiagnosed ASD for years. Not that knowing is a magic solution, but at least I now know why amongst the maze of snsory input, reasoning doesn't tend to work with one of my DCs in that environment and they play off eachother.

What really matters is the follow-up. Does the child understand what the problem behaviour was. Is there a need for a further consequence. Is there forgiveness and moving on. Festering resentment, a lack of understanding and a sense of injustice are more damaging than the actual shouting.

You're not your. Again, my less privileged background showing....

Yes, I do have children.

I have shouted the likes of
‘Stop’ and ‘careful’ in fear of danger. I do have a fed up tone ‘Why do I have to ask you 15x to put on your shoes?’ Or ‘right, you’re in trouble’ - I’m not no mary poppins but it’s way that some people talk to their kids like they’re the biggest piece of shit that’s ever graced this planet.

The kid in the shop wasn’t messing around, literally standing right next to her mum watching her read ingredients on the back of a box. Her mum didn’t even glaze up from the box or to see what her dd was up too - maybe she’s always in the way - maybe her husband is in a hospice - maybe she’s asked her to watch out for other shoppers 15 times already. It was the tone. It just sounded nasty.

I was in a chemist yesterday, waiting for my prescription. Mother with three children in there. Child one sat on chair being very good, although in truth she looked spaced out. Child two was busy upsetting all the counter displays, pressing buttons on card machine, getting in everyone’s way. Child three was busy escaping into pharmacists prep area, three times had to be dragged out. Mother was frankly useless, all the kids got was a drawled “don’t do that, don’t do that, don’t do that” Tone of voice made no impression whatsoever ever. Rather sadly it ended badly for the well behaved little girl.....child two slammed exit door on her fingers as Mother was trying yet again to haul child three out of drugs area. The sigh of relief when they left, both from staff and other customers was deafening. A pathetic example of parental supervision.

Christ I’m the most attachment parenting, fluffy, child led blah blah parent but if you’d have walked past me once or twice you would have heard me snap as in your last two examples.

Why? Well once I was trying to get my toddler in the car for the umpteenth time and it was either snap at him or fall on the floor crying. My other son was seriously ill in hospital and I wanted to get back to him. Other times I’ve not had such good reason but my goodness we are only human.

My point being you can’t judge on snapshots. Hitting of course is different but if you show me someone who has never shouted at their kids I’ll show you a liar

@Baguetteaboutit

What a load of nonsense.

It's not a choice between shouting at kids or "emotionally intensive drama lama antics" as you seem to think.

It's possible to parent with calm authority and consistency.

‘Why do I have to ask you 15x to put on your shoes?’

See, I think that's a real kick in the teeth that speaks to something lacking in a child. It's too desperate a statement over something so trivial. "Put your shoes on" at a greater volume is more clear cut and less emotionally intense.

Mine are adults now, but they've told me that they knew they had really taken it to the wire if I started shouting at them.
They were in tears of laughter recalling some of the times that I shouted at them as kids.
Apparently I was affectionately known as mad dog mum due to being all bark and no bite. 😂

I don't think so, clearly ssneks.

It's possible to parent with calm authority and consistency

you've got to be trolling

I think a lot of us have learnt to shout when stressed. Me included. And I’m actually a hands on, loving parent who tries my best to spend lots of quality time with my dcs.
I don’t shout in public but in private, yes.
It’s not because I’m putting on a front, it’s just that I’m not really stressed. The things that cause me stress is things like kids mucking about when they’re meant to be doing something including getting ready to go out.

I imagine it’s like that for a lot of people.

Mines not one yet but I can already tell I'm going to have to work hard to not too easily be shouty

I trained as a PE teacher. We were taught to command a class to keep them safe, and to be sure of having the attention we required. Not nasty, not abusive but setting out a standard of expected behaviour. It always worked for me. Consistency and voice control are crucial, screaming achieves nothing.

@backdoormadness.
I’m with you.
I went on a school trip to the beach, the children were listening quietly to a mature person talk about all the creatures they might find. The child sitting next to me discovered a spider spinning a web next to her, she was excited and put her hand up, only to be told to not interrupt.
Oh the absolute irony
I think they way a lot of children are treated is largely responsible for the amount of mental health problems we see in teenagers and adults.

Nature not mature sorry!

I think people’s responses on here proves you right.
Gos forbid a parent has patiences and/or tries to teach their children to be mindful of their actions...

Sorry but any parent who ‘has’ to do this in public is judged very heavily by me.
The only time shouting is acceptable is if the child has done something that put them in danger to shock them into realising the danger.

I have to raise my voice at my toddler to distract him half the time so he doesn't throw a toy fire truck in the fire or pull the christmas tree down on top of himself or one of the many other things he does, but it doesn't scare him (my voice goes high pitched when I shout) so he usually turns around and laughs at me, as for putting him in the car, when he is trying to climb our or going stiff or whatever hes doing while I'm trying to strap him in, I'll ask him nicely a few times and then hes told in a stern voice to "stop and get in now or you're in massive trouble" he usually sits down and laughs then because he knows we're in a rush. I might raise my voice a bit or use a different tone but he never gets punished and he never gets upset at it. I distract him with a game of football in another room instead of punishment for whatever he does. He is the happiest little boy who is so full of energy but what people see on a bad day and start judging they don't understand that it's our way of knowing when something shouldn't be done, it's our way of boundaries and it does not affect him.

I’ve shouted and lost my temper. It’s a normal part of life. I have limits and I don’t think it’s a bad thing for kids to see that their parents are human. I’m not a computer.
If DH jumped on me, stood on my foot or hung off my watch for the millionth time after being told not to I’d shout at him too.
I do shout at DH sometimes and he me. Normal behaviour in this house.

I do shout sometimes. If you listen carefully beforehand, I have usually politely made the request about ten times already. What do you do when you have asked politely, at their level, ten times already? Carry on being ignored?

I have worked with many people who have had the softly, softly, you can do no wrong style parenting, and the shouty, authoritarian style of parenting and the children's behaviour with both styles is often the same. It's about balance.

It's possible to parent with calm authority and consistency

Clearly you haven't met my eldest.

Joking aside, my youngest is an amenable sort, who tends to do as he's told more or less. My eldest...knows his own mind

If I'd only had children like my youngest, I would have judged parents who shouted.

I don't judge now.

‘Why do I have to ask you 15x to put on your shoes?’

See, I think that's a real kick in the teeth that speaks to something lacking in a child. It's too desperate a statement over something so trivial. "Put your shoes on" at a greater volume is more clear cut and less emotionally intense

Strangly enough before I get to the ranty stage of asking for the 15th time, I did actually start with "In 3 minutes, I need you to put your shoes on" with some reminders before a jaunty, polite, "can you put your shoes on please" then a more assertive "put your shoes on" then a few rounds of blunt "SHOES!". Being 6 and a dyspraxic/ autistic 9 year old means that they don't always respond to the initial polite request in a mature, immediate fashion. Sometimes I have to cut through the mental clutter of the internal/ external monologue. It sounds brusque, but sometimes it has to be, and I have my own emotions too, plus being 6 and 9 with some high functioning SNs does not exclude them from having to be in places at a certain time, behave in a certain way etc. Often they will co-operate before the command escalates, so it is worth starting with the nicest tones.

I may sometimes get brusque and impatient, but I have never sworn at them or used belittling language. I try very hard to focus on the behaviour not getting personal with the child.

You judge when you have absolutely no idea how bad a day that parent has had, I try very hard not to raise my voice, but thre are times when I am at the end of my rope and I may snap, especially when you have sevral children with addtional needs.

I wish it was more acceptable to challenge this kind of ‘parenting’, or at least for it not to be seen as normal.

You MUST be the perfect parent then. I so wish you’d have ‘challenged’ me when I shouted at my children. All you see is a snap shot of people’s lives. Find yourself a hobby is my advice and stop trying to make others YOUR perception of ‘the perfect parent’ 🙄

YANBU. I can't abide parents who shout at their children or speak to them like shit. If someone did that to them, they'd be the first to cry abuse. Why then, is it acceptable to do that to a child, who is only learning? It's inexcusable and terrible parenting.

I say that as a mother and a teacher. If you can't parent without shrieking and shouting, you need to do some research into how to parent properly.