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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum crashing my plans

153 replies

Molly2016 · 18/12/2019 12:29

I’ll start by saying that I live in a smallish area with a big school, so it feels like I can’t leave the front door without ‘bumping’ into a school mum.
I found a playgroup a car drive away, which is great value for money and a nice group of parents, none of whom are connected to my children’s school.
I like going for the anonymity and for the ability to chat to other parents without fear of ‘something’ getting back to ‘someone’.
One of the school mums invited me to a soft play with her friend. I nicely declined as we had plans. She probed further and I stupidly said we were going to x playgroup.
Next week, who shows up at said playgroup? This school mum with her friends.
I’m annoyed as I feel like my tiny piece of peace has been invaded. I can’t relax there anymore and feel like she’s ruined it for me. DH says I’m BU and it’s open to everyone. I just wish I’d lied about our plans to avoid this happening but I actually didn’t think she would just turn up (with her gaggle of friends).

OP posts:
manicmij · 19/12/2019 19:12

Well if all the horrible mums go to your playgroup you can go to the one they used to go to, sounds like it will be empty!

Iwasneveragoddess · 19/12/2019 19:13

Are you a celeb?

mrshousty · 19/12/2019 19:29

I'm saying yanbu but purely because I completely understand your point of view but it is a public place so i see everyone else point of view too... but sometimes you just don't want to talk and that's ok! 😍

scubadive · 19/12/2019 19:49

It’s a playgroup. Why should you have a monoppoly over it. If noone else went you and your children would be pretty bored.

Why do you get to decide who can go.

If you told your friend about it, you can’t complain if she thinks she’ll try it out.

YABU

Celestine70 · 19/12/2019 19:51

Obviously they are a friendly bunch and want to be friends with you. YABU.

Rose87777 · 19/12/2019 20:08

I would feel exactly the same OP but with other mums that I work with. Someone from my work asked what playgroups I attended and I was extremely vague for the exact reason you mention!

FlamingoQueen · 19/12/2019 21:27

I know what you mean. My ds has a hobby and now others are interested in going. It was his one space away from the annoying kids at school. Sometimes people just need their own space.

Raspberrytruffle · 19/12/2019 21:31

Very mean girls! Did she not pass the test to join your awesome girl gang, b#tch . Shes better off with out someone like you.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 19/12/2019 21:39

It sounds like you’re the weird one OP.

Dancinginthedark10 · 19/12/2019 21:43

Yabvvu and don't sound particularly pleasant tbh. It's a public space, designed to encourage people to come together in the spirit of community.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 19/12/2019 21:48

Ok just read all updates. Sounds like they are not you’re type of people which is fine OP. Just be polite and carry on with your new friends at the playgroup it’s no big deal’

Commonwasher · 19/12/2019 22:03

I also find the school playground quite a gauntlet with lots of cliques and politics about who’s child has offended who etc etc. I eschew the socials and mums nights out as I prefer to avoid it all. I don’t blame you for choosing an alternative playgroup with a less intense clientele. The problem is that you can’t exclude other people from going too.

Can you not simply pass the time of day with them, tell them how nice it is to see them out of the vipers nest of the playground, then excuse yourself on the basis you come to this playgroup to catch up with your other friends that you don’t see elsewhere.

You could always exchange numbers with some of the playgroup mums you like and have play dates somewhere else (without the hangers on)?

Bear in mind the playground mums who are so keen to be around you might see in you a kindred spirit and also find the competitive playground experience difficult — just not have the balls to admit it (yet).

Andysbestadventure · 19/12/2019 22:05

So move house 🤷‍♀️ you sound like a high maintenance crank tbh, op.

ICouldBeVotingTactically · 19/12/2019 22:35

OP, I totally get you. So if you are "weird", "high maintenance" and a "crank", then so am I.

No advice though, sorry.

Babynamechangerr · 19/12/2019 22:36

I get why you're annoyed, just learn from it and just have a ready white lie of what you're doing.

I'm a naturally secretive / private person so these sort of white lies just seem to be second nature to me and I conceal where I am going and what I'm doing without thinking, assuming I don't want a person to join me.

I guess just see if she goes again, but if she does you might just have to find another one.

Original poster
Molly2016 · 19/12/2019 22:42

Thanks @ICouldBeVotingTactically, I don’t know why people have to hurl the insults on here!
The original post was to try and understand why she randomly turned up as I thought it was a strange thing to do, but the replies have shown that lots of people would also have done this and not given it a second thought.
I will find an alternative because I don’t want every activity I do to be with the same people. I have a couple of numbers from the new group so all is not lost.

OP posts:
Haggismom · 19/12/2019 23:27

MintyMabel, I think you are exactly the kind of mouthy mummy the OP has been having to deal with. We moved a few years ago to a leafy suburb where the mums were like the ones OP describes. Jumping on my every word to correct me or put me right about something. Could be my opinion on the weather. I made new pals when we moved again and it was so nice just to have a relaxed, uncomplicated laugh with like minded people. OP, join a club, take a class and find your own space. The toddler years can be tough at times.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 19/12/2019 23:44

Molly2016

I am much older now, but I found the playgroup thing hard when mine were young. There were always plenty of "judgey" people around. These days maybe some just dress it up as being PC. In my day a lot of Mums didn't work when children were young. Those of us who did were often outsiders in the groups.

One Mum commented that she hadn't seen us the previous week. I mentioned that I had been working shifts and DC had been at a childminders. The comment which came back was judgemental about working mums, implying strongly that we didn't put our young children's best interests first. It later became clear that this view had been passed around other mums and in the end I went somewhere else and learned to say we had been to the dentist.

I guess that might not happen 30 odd years later now things have changed. But I bet there are still other issues which give rise to making mums feel bad about themselves and allow others to spread gossip about them.

Maybe you find it easier to build relationships with other people on a one to one basis?

Playgroups are an inexpensive way to allow children to meet other kids, I guess the softplay mum was just looking for company as well.

Fizzysours · 20/12/2019 06:53

If you feel like you are 'very different' from all the school mums in your area, are you not worried about your kids socialising and basically creating their whole socisl worlds there? If you feel this uncomfortable then you need to move. (I am not being critical as I did this....moved from a soulless huge new shiny estate, full of immaculate children to a lovely seaside town where my kids instantly seemed happier)

Rafaroo · 20/12/2019 10:56

Perhaps she was not heading there to meet you at all but just wanted to try it for herself. This is totally the type of thing I would do, but probably wouldn't even think to mention it to you because it is a public thing and as you said no one 'owns' it. I wouldn't feel like I owe you an explanation at all and probably wouldn't offer one as I'd find it strange that you expect one.

Do you not think you need to stop worrying so much about other people and their opinions though? You do seem overly concerned about how others will view you, but the reality is they are probably not giving you the same sort of thought or importance in their mind. Live and let live. They have the right to be there and you have the right to give them a brief nod of hello and then ignore them and speak to other parents if you wish. Don't give them too much importance OP! Just do you.

Ozzie9523 · 20/12/2019 11:32

I totally get you OP, that would have irritated me too. I found a great playgroup for my daughter and we went every week for three years. We didn't know anyone when we joined and it was nice meeting new people or just spending time enjoying the group. Don't tell anyone anything in future!

Lunathewitchespus666 · 20/12/2019 15:30

No advice, just an observation. I was dragged to a toddler group when a young single mum. I went and sat listening to these other women slating all those who weren't in the room and their offspring. I was warned about a particular child who was apparently a bully. Said child (18 months) and mine (9 months) promptly had a silent set to over a toy, my child A had a toy, B toddled over and grabbed it, A grabbed it back this continued for a few minutes then B picked up something else and sat down & played with it. Child B's mum and I became friends and we promptly ditched the toddler group bitch fest. Find your own tribe and keep out of the way of people you aren't comfortable with (oops advice 😂)

angelfacecuti75 · 21/12/2019 00:27

Do you have social anxiety or something? As you sound like me...

Dieu · 21/12/2019 00:50

I get it, I really do!
YANBU.

AwakeAmbs · 21/12/2019 01:52

That’s weird. She is being like a clingy obsessive control freak. It is weird to turn up uninvited.

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