School mum crashing my plans

[Molly2016]

I’ll start by saying that I live in a smallish area with a big school, so it feels like I can’t leave the front door without ‘bumping’ into a school mum.
I found a playgroup a car drive away, which is great value for money and a nice group of parents, none of whom are connected to my children’s school.
I like going for the anonymity and for the ability to chat to other parents without fear of ‘something’ getting back to ‘someone’.
One of the school mums invited me to a soft play with her friend. I nicely declined as we had plans. She probed further and I stupidly said we were going to x playgroup.
Next week, who shows up at said playgroup? This school mum with her friends.
I’m annoyed as I feel like my tiny piece of peace has been invaded. I can’t relax there anymore and feel like she’s ruined it for me. DH says I’m BU and it’s open to everyone. I just wish I’d lied about our plans to avoid this happening but I actually didn’t think she would just turn up (with her gaggle of friends).

Sympathies, OP. Slightly similar situation happened to me once. I got to hear of a playgroup that was closing down (their premises were being demolished to make way for a new housing estate) and they were selling all their toys and equipment. I was on the committee of our playgroup and called the woman and arranged to go and buy some of it for our playgroup, which was short of stuff at the time.

I happened to mention all this to another mum friend who, unbeknown to be, helped to run a different playgroup altogether.

Come the day of the sale I turned up at the appointed time to find that most of the stuff had already been sold. I asked the woman in charge who said that someone else had turned up early and bought the lot. She thought this other person had been sent by me.

It was none other than my so-called friend.

Mintymabel
your comment is just the sort of thing Molly meant. She gave an example, not even a real life event and you have jumped on it, with negative connotations - that she's over using gender stereotypes.

As an aside, just because the word 'boisterous' starts with the sound 'boy', doesn't mean it only refers to boys. It means noisy, energetic and cheerful. It can equally and correctly be apply to girls.

Yoou talk about extending an invitation - but they don't need an invitation from you. This is a public group presumably open to anyone with small children, not yours to police.
If you don;t like them and don;t want to talk to them, then don't. Talk to your new friends at the playgroup and just say hello and smile at school people, They will surely all be sitting together chatting anyway. You can move around from group to group or sit with a different bunch of people.
I think you are getting wound up about somthing perfectly ordinary.
It's a smallish community, people know each other, people with small children go to the same things.
People here are saying these women sound horrible - but they don't they are only going on your view, and presumably they aren't all a homogenous gang saying and thinking all the same thing. I think you are feeling abit cowed and intimidated based on your perception they are PC/over critical/ pick people up on everything they say. You are allowed to say things like 'you;ve misinterpreted what I said'
or 'Oh we'll have to agree to differ' or whatever - you don't have to put up with it if you disagree.
I don't understand your example about 'boisterous' - I know you made it up - but the word is not connected to being a boy, so you can use it happily and if they comment then tell them they are wrong.
If they are talking about boys and girls being different/ the same/ culturally influenced, then there's an interesting debate to be had which can choose or not to join in. Otherwise smile politely and move to another group.

They might turn out to be nicer than you think. I ccertainly wouldn;t allow the fact that I didn;t like someone to stop me going to something I or more importantly my child enjoyed. They invited you to soft play - that's a friendly gesture, indicating they enjoy your company or want to get to know you better. That's a good thing, but it's yours to take or reject as you please.

I should say ‘you’ve misinterpreted what I’ve said’ but I just don’t have the energy for the constant challenge and defend way of communicating that I find with the school mums. Hence why I was enjoying the group where I felt like people were sharing experiences rather then correcting or challenging the whole time.

I get you OP they do sound like hard work I' not surprised you want your own space.

Now they are there I have my guard up again. I would love to find another group but then that will prompt the inevitable challenge of why I’m not going to that group anymore and of course, where am I going instead

Say you have a regular appointment and haven't found an alternative yet.

They're nosey aren't they?

I suspect people commenting have never lived somewhere like this. I used to. Lovely people, most of them, but it was a village that had been absorbed into a town's outskirts, and was still exactly like a village - a very big one - in that everyone knew everyone else, and everyone's business. Or a version of it, anyway. The exhaustion of that is hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it, or would find it pleasant. If you're not built that way, and didn't grow up that way, it can be stifling. And if there's a very highly thought of, very large school in that area as a focal point, then it becomes an area lots of young families move to. Young families who tend towards competitiveness, at that.

I understand, OP. YANBU.

You are being unreasonable but I have to admit I would be right there with you in the annoyed camp. I completely understand how you are feeling.

Can you not look for a different playgroup ? Many Churches have them .Or what about NCT coffee mornings ,Do they still exist .Sadly most groups are open to everyone ,so you cant really make a fuss if they show up! We used to go to Mini Gym at the local leisure centre sometimes not sure if this is the same as soft play or not .

Megan 2018 .15 miles to a playgroup seems a long way to go!

I think you are overthinking their motivations - they haven't gone there because you are there, but it is normal to find out about children's activities by word of mouth which is all they have done. The examples you have mentioned about why you have to watch what you say to the school mums just sounds like they are having a dialogue with you, not anything more sinister.

Why don’t you do classes instead? There’s generally less time for chit chat. I have always been one for activities rather than playgroups as I like that there are structured things to do that take up the time and it doesn’t really matter who is in the room.

I dont think its wrong to not want be friends with other parents at all, just because you both pushed a human out of your crotch doesn't mean you have anything in common or should be besties and I wish people would stop trying to force that on us mums.

These aren't you friends, you could fall out over all sorts of thing like basic moral values, politics or even simple misunderstandings and then it makes it hard for everyone including your children.

I'm polite to other mums at school but not friends with any and I wouldn't be because they are an extension of my CHILD'S friends and his personal life. When I was little my mum would befriend other mums and I was forced to hang with kids I didn't like or share parties with kids I had nothing in common with or our parents would fall out and we where banned from being friends etc... and its SUCKED.

Let you children have their own life and make your own friends that wont impact on them.

Keep going and keep talking to the new mums you've been chatting to. Just because the other lot have come along it doesn't mean you dump the new friends.

MintyMabel

I think you are just as guilty as the women the OP is talking about for missing the point.

OP's examples of things she's said are simple descriptors. She has described her DC as being boisterous (which can be, and has been, applied to boys, girls or even dogs). She also described her DC, one as independent the other clingy.

In both cases, those who "corrected" OP extrapolated something that wasn't there. In O's examples she did not go onto say that the independent/clingy thing was a first /second child thing, or that boys are boisterous because they are boys. That's something that those other women were making an assumption about. I'd be wanting to distance myself from patronising people like this.

OP, maybe another group, and tell these women that plans had to change, without allowing yourself to specify whst had changed 😉

Totally get you, OP.

Of course PPs are correct in that these parents haven't done anything wrong etc but make sure you keep talking to your new acquaintances after a polite 'hi, how are you' to the school mums, and not getting stuck with them.

And yes, the ultra earnest conversation sounds wearing and patronising when you want to chat and get to know some new people rather than have every comment scrutinised. You could push back and defend your points and opinions but I understand it's not much fun and can be hard to pitch right in a light, quite superficial setting rather than a robust pub debate about, say, politics with good friends.

Tbh if it's a drive away and there are more local facilities I would be surprised if they keep going, so perhaps just stick it out for a few weeks and see.

I think you should just chat briefly and get back to your other friends. But if you do stop going you could say that your child's nap times have changed, or they were tired of so many groups, so hint that you're not going to another playgroup.

I think you are just as guilty as the women the OP is talking about for missing the point

Except that she is unable to give any real example of something they have actually said. It happens ALL the time apparently but she can only come up with a vague "ultra PC" description and give a
made up context.

Not a huge leap to see what's happening.

As an aside, just because the word 'boisterous' starts with the sound 'boy', doesn't mean it only refers to boys

Duh 🙄

When I need a lesson on language, I'll be sure to ask.

In both cases, those who "corrected" OP extrapolated something that wasn't there. In O's examples she did not go onto say that the independent/clingy thing was a first /second child thing, or that boys are boisterous because they are boys. That's something that those other women were making an assumption about. I'd be wanting to distance myself from patronising people like this.

True, perhaps. But the OP is doing exactly the same. Taking other people's comments and extrapolating something that may well not have been there - intent to patronise or correct her.

Duh 🙄

When I need a lesson on language, I'll be sure to ask.

There you go Molly2016, that's the exact response you should use with patronising mum acquaintance. MintyMabel has finally said something useful.

I did exactly the same with my eldest daughter's climbing group. I chose somewhere a drive away, that wasn't where everyone else goes, so her and me could meet new people and have different conversations. I felt exactly the same when other people suggested they might come along, unreasonable yes, as its a free country, but I totally understand how you feel.

This is a weird post. I have no words. Facepalm.

Fond another playgroup. And this time don't tell them.

*Find

@MotherofDinosaurs i spend enough time with them!
I don’t even want to talk to them about my plans for the weekend now in case I turn around and there they are

Such drama! I doubt they will!