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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum crashing my plans

153 replies

Molly2016 · 18/12/2019 12:29

I’ll start by saying that I live in a smallish area with a big school, so it feels like I can’t leave the front door without ‘bumping’ into a school mum.
I found a playgroup a car drive away, which is great value for money and a nice group of parents, none of whom are connected to my children’s school.
I like going for the anonymity and for the ability to chat to other parents without fear of ‘something’ getting back to ‘someone’.
One of the school mums invited me to a soft play with her friend. I nicely declined as we had plans. She probed further and I stupidly said we were going to x playgroup.
Next week, who shows up at said playgroup? This school mum with her friends.
I’m annoyed as I feel like my tiny piece of peace has been invaded. I can’t relax there anymore and feel like she’s ruined it for me. DH says I’m BU and it’s open to everyone. I just wish I’d lied about our plans to avoid this happening but I actually didn’t think she would just turn up (with her gaggle of friends).

OP posts:
DPotter · 18/12/2019 13:32

I get exactly what you mean.
Having grown up in a small town where everyone knows everything about you, it is refreshing to be a little bit anonymous and to be able limit the amount of personal information given to new people, without them knowing everything about you already. It's certainly not un-friendly: it's more about exercising those boundaries MN is so very keen on us having.

I think pp on here are being a unfair to you OP jumping to conclusions (eg, wanting a bit of space = unfriendly) and the pp who concluded you're racist - well now there's an excellent example of what you were saying about having to watch every word you say in case someone takes offence.
I don't blame you for being miffed - can you find another group to try? And this time don't tell anyone about it........

Jellybeansincognito · 18/12/2019 13:32

Yeah what sort of things are you saying if you have to watch what you say constantly?

Strongmummy · 18/12/2019 13:33

Just coz she’s there doesn’t mean you have to speak to her! Just smile, wave and keep talking to your new friends

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 13:35

There's nothing you can do about it now except stop going. And stop going where these people are. In the future, learn to guard your tongue more.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/12/2019 13:35

TO be fair I totally get that it's nice to have separate groups of friends and sometimes you can develop a different persona slightly among different groups of people. It doesn't even have to involve being fake just letting different aspects of your personality out - you might share a certain sense of humour that your other friends wouldn't get. Unfortunately you can't expect one group to avoid a playgroup because you found it first though.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 18/12/2019 13:37

If one of my friends said they were going to a soft play next Tuesday, I would never dream of just turning up with a group of mates and being like ‘hi’!

Turning up somewhere and saying hi? Wow, she sounds a bitch Confused
Is there a huge backstory here we're missing?
Like, does she turn up everywhere you are?
Is it like Muriel's Wedding where they try and ditch her and she turns up on their holiday in a big hat?
"You've got no dignity, Muriel!"

If not, then yes, YABVU.

Original poster
Molly2016 · 18/12/2019 13:39

Thank you @DPotter! Nail on the head!
I’ve been at home with the kids for 5 years and maybe I have lost a bit of confidence when it comes to making chit chat but I feel like they jump on everything I say.
That’s why I prefer the other group because I feel like I can speak and people agree or give me their experience rather then correct the words I am using or tell me I’m wrong.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 18/12/2019 13:41

You need to fine a new 'special place'. And don't tell anyone!

Beeziekn33ze · 18/12/2019 13:41

OP you’ve made new friends, fine.
You haven’t been telling them all about the ultra PC mums at the school have you?
If so I guess that’s a lesson learned!

Original poster
Molly2016 · 18/12/2019 13:42

Now they are there I have my guard up again. I would love to find another group but then that will prompt the inevitable challenge of why I’m not going to that group anymore and of course, where am I going instead!

OP posts:
QueenCheese · 18/12/2019 13:43

Maybe find a group further afield

I get why you might want to widen your net a bit

Pantalaimon88 · 18/12/2019 13:45

Do the school mums sit with you and your new friends? Can you just keep your distance from them and stick with the friends you feel more comfortable with?

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/12/2019 13:45

I would love to find another group but then that will prompt the inevitable challenge of why I’m not going to that group anymore and of course, where am I going instead!

It does sound quite claustrophobic OP, that you'll be probed and questioned every time you go somewhere new. I can see why you're looking for some space!

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 18/12/2019 13:45

You’ve learned an important parenting lesson! Don’t tell anyone your plans. It’s healthy for both yo and kids to have a wide group. I got so fed up with my attempts to branch out being thwarted that I stopped saying where we were going,. I even refuse to answer questions on text like ‘where does X do dance’. I just ignore and smile as I pass them swiftly in the playground.

Distance from school mums is your friend in the long run. The benefits are largely out weighed by the negatives.

Waitinginthewings · 18/12/2019 13:47

I would ferl exactly the same op. They dont sound very nice

HiGunny · 18/12/2019 13:47

OP I can't believe you're getting such a hard time on here! I totally get where you're coming from...I live in a small village not far from a bigger town. Life in the village feels like being in a goldfish bowl sometimes so i love to escape to the town for some anonymity.

It sounds like the school mums just aren't your tribe so just be polite to them and stick with your playgroup friends.

And of course you're perfectly entitled to be pissed off (in your head) about it!

Rainbunny · 18/12/2019 13:48

You'll get a lot of responses along the lines of "It's a free country etc." and you can't dictate who goes to which playgroup but I actually understand you completely. Sometimes it's nice to have something for yourself where you can be anonymous, not "rainbunny colleague", "rainbunny wife", "rainbunny student" just rainbunny.

A few years ago I was studying for a graduate degree, working fulltime and going through the end stages of my awful marriage. The one thing I did for my sanity twice a week was to play tennis at my local (public) club. I've been playing since I was a young child and I'm a mid- upper intermediate club level player. The best thing about doing this was that I never met anyone from my work life, student life or personal life, it was a true escape. Then one day another student on my program heard that I played tennis and decided that she wanted to play tennis... at my club. She always wanted to go when I was going but she wouldn't sign up for any of her own lessons, she just turned up, watched me play and then expected me to practice with her after I was done. She had every right to be there of course but I also felt like my 'happy place' had been invaded. Fortunately she didn't stick with it for long.

SandAndSea · 18/12/2019 13:49

OP, I get it. They sound petty and you wanted a break. I would smile and wave.

isitpossibleto · 18/12/2019 13:50

YABU to expect her to not go but YANBU to be sick of small town syndrome - I grew up with that and it’s not fun.

daisyjgrey · 18/12/2019 13:50

I'm with you, the worst thing about small towns/villages is that everybody knows everybody and getting out of that feels good!

(Plus I'm horribly anti-social and the thought of hanging out with the same group of people all the time gives me hives).

Original poster
Molly2016 · 18/12/2019 13:54

@HiGunny Thank you.
Very first message I get called nasty and small minded. Followed up by someone accusing me of being racist. I know it’s AIBU but really? Wow.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 18/12/2019 13:57

They challenge your views and you don’t like it. I’m guessing they are pointing out to you that gender stereotypes are quite pervasive and unhelpful and you think that’s rubbish. If the rest of the group are like minded, I wouldn’t worry too much, no doubt they’ll be made to feel really unwelcome and will leave. That’s what you want, right?

JoGose · 18/12/2019 13:59

I think YABU for expecting her not to go, but YANBU to be fed up of having to mingle with other mums

Swirlygirl · 18/12/2019 14:00

Oh Jesus MintyMabel get out of bed the wrong way?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/12/2019 14:00

They sound well-meaning but very patronising. Everything that you say is a teaching opportunity for them, which is really dreary when all you want to do is have a bit of casual small talk. On the other hand they appear to want to be inclusive and perhaps worry about you that you might feel left out or lonely, hence inviting you to join them, which is kind of them.

I don't know what to recommend except trying to find other groups, perhaps that you have to drive a little bit further to, or continuing to go to this group but positioning yourself with the people that you already know there so you're not speaking directly to the school mums very much.

It's not wrong to not want to be friends with someone. It doesn't mean that you're bad or that they're bad, just that you're different from each other. For instance I have a lot of acquaintances who are very nice people but don't 'get' my sense of humour and so I can't relax and have a laugh with them. I'm happy to bump into them and have a short conversation but I don't arrange to meet up with them for activities or a long chat.

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