The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

No. The main reason for his unhappiness is the fact he's an arsehole.

Horrible hurtful thing to say.
He should be praising you for your heroics in keeping the family pointing forward.

That’s awful for you, I completely understand why you’re so upset. He’s intentionally said something deeply wounding, even if it’s true.

Is this how he is anyway? Unkind?

Does he really want to go to Relate, or is he checking out?

You sound as though you’ve put your all into your family, I’m sorry it’s come to this.

What an awful thing to say! Did he just randomly come out with it? Have there been any issues lately between you both or was it out of the blue?

What a wanker.
It’s not you love, I trust that deep down you know that.

He’s an arsehole. He should love you regardless. Just using it as an excuse for his own miserable exsistence.

Why don’t you ask him to help you more then do that you actually get a chance to look after yourself? Seeing someone at relate won’t make you loose weight, some time to yourself will though.

That’s a very hurtful thing to say. In my experience if it wasn’t your appearance not being up to scratch he would have some other reason to blame you because he’s a miserable sod.

I wonder if he’s exactly the same to look at as when you first met him?

I have no words. Other than if a single solitary person thinks YABU on this thread it must be him.

I would he inclined to tell him the main source of your unhappiness is the hurtful and unkind way he has just treated you and that unlike weight you will only get rid of that if you got rid of him

Christ alive what an arsehole.

As an aside what are you doing everything? That’s a totally unfair arrangement, I recommend you bring that up in counselling

How did it come about? Did you have an argument and he said it maybe not meaning it?

I can understand finding someone not as attractive when they've put on a lot of weight but to say that it reduces them to unhappiness when everything else is good is incredibly shallow.

You could loose some weight by dumping him. About 13 stone.

He would be wiping my morning coffee from his face.
He is angry and miserable in himself trying to force this onto you.

Such a shame. Does he not realise we all lose our looks? Is he a heart throb? If relationships were based only on looks no one would stay married after 55. This calls for a proper conversation if he really believes that is the reason. If he is that shallow then there is nothing left

I'd be unhappy that he manages to avoid so much of family life. I bet he doesn't need to it's just convenient for him to come home when all the work is done.

If 12kg is stopping him from being happy he is an idiot.

I’m sorry OP. He’s being deeply unkind and shallow and it doesn’t say good things about his values. I would find that very difficult to come back from, tbh.

The actual problem is of course in his head, and NOT with you or your weight or appearance. But even on the face of it, wtf would he expect you to do about this anyway, when you have zero time for yourself?

I absolutely don’t believe you should have to make weight loss your priority with a young baby - but I slightly want him to recognise that the “solution” to this “problem” would require him to do a hell of a lot more at home so that you could glide out the door early for a swim or whatever.

You can lose 15 stone by ltb?

He's such an arse 102% of people agree he's an arse according to my mumsnet!

That was very unkind of him.

Men are super visual and most men do prefer slim/slender women, that’s just how they’re programmed. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he’s saying in a really hurtful way that he doesn’t fancy you as much as when you weighed less. His comment was so horrible and once something like that has been said you can’t forget you heard it.

Do you work by choice or because you need the money?

If it's the latter, I'd tell him the fact my dh doesn't make enough money and I have to work full time with three DC makes me unhappy too.

It came up, as I said to him this morning that he’s so grumpy and moody and I asked why. He had actually seemed a bit pissed off last night when I opened a box of chocolates. I know that sounds crazy.

What he said today wasn’t said during an argument or in a heated exchange. He actually thinks I need to lose all of the excess weight. I’m a 14-16 at the moment. I don’t look as nice as I did, but I don’t look horrific either.

I’m worried about going to Relate. I think the counsellor will tell us to break up. Then I’ll be on my own with the DC until he hosts EOW as “Disney Dad” and then I’ll be alone alone. I’ve seen how that arrangement fucked up him emotionally with his own parent’s nasty divorce.

Also, if we’re paying hundreds of pounds and getting a babysitter in order to go to see the Relate lady, I’d much rather be lying down and sleeping then instead.

I adore our children. I didn’t want to cause them pain with a broken family and being shuttled back and fore.

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me. Everyone else thinks he’s funny, intelligent and charming. He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others and never whilst DC are around. I thought I’d be ok because I can protect my heart and stay happy for our children until they are grown.

He is a dick.

I put on a few stones I shouldn't have and asked my DH why he hadn't said anything to me about it and he said he doesn't care what weight I am he loves me as is.

The fuck I would see someone at Relate with this cunt! He wants another person to validate his arsewipe behaviour to you and bully you.

You're already doing all the work here. Bullshit you need to 'ask him to help you'.

He'd have been wearing that coffee.

'It's a pity you checked out of our family leaving me to do all the work and yet have the audacity to blame everything on 12kgs. I'm not accepting that or your shallowness or bullying me when you don't do a thing to parent our children. I'm not going to Relate to discuss how shallow you are.'

I had a boyfriend like this. Makes me laugh now because he was no oil painting! I dumped the first time he made a negative comment about my body, which at the time was superbly fit. He just wanted to neg me to bring down my confidence so out the door he went.

What a cruel thing to say to someone.

How on earth will going to Relate help you lose weight? Actually, I think you should agree to going and use it to explain how much you do and how little he does to support the family. And how hurt you are.

And where is he until 8-9pm every night? He needs to pitch in around the house more, freeing up some time for you.

Fuck going to Relate with him. He's an arsehole.

I would get your ducks in a row to leave. No coming back from that comment.