The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

most men do prefer slim/slender women, that’s just how they’re programmed

Bollocks! SOME men, yes, MOST men couldn't give a rat's arse, and SOME men like big women. I have been large since puberty (many, many years) and I have had 8 marriage proposals. My husband loves me despite the size I am and any man worth his salt would be the same. My husband worries about the effect of my weight on my health, but get rid of me because of my size? Nope.

What a vile thing for him to say to you!

My ExH said very similar to me. At the time I was a size 14 and had had DC 6 months previously. I joined weightwatchers online and he scoffed, slowly looked me up and down then pointedly said “what’s the fucking point, you’ll always be fat”. He is ExH for that and many other reasons.

I’m wondering if I actually care.
Result, Betty!

I’d like to be thinner again, but that’s so my nicer clothes fit again. It isn’t about what other people think about me. I don’t think I look bad in the mirror.
Brilliant. So good to know that he hasn't got you believing his bullshit, or has ground down your self-esteem to inoperable levels.

I’m feeling a bit stubborn too though. I don’t want to lose weight for him!!! And you know what, I don’t want him to touch me right now.
Good, good, & no wonder.
Yuck, He doesn't deserve to touch you right now.

You’ve made me smile and also ponder some really important next steps
You are coming over as so measured, calm, & smart OP. You just take your own sweet time - you've got all the ingredients you need, you & your kids, to make a happy & fulfilled life.
Whether DH wants to be parts of that really depends on his own behaviour & worthiness, the blind arrogant twat!

When I was in my early 20s I was desperately in love with a man who didn't really love me. I'd have done anything to please him, make him live me. I was very insecure about my appearance and he played on it. He strongly suggested I cut my hair. I did and tried to mould myself to his liking. But it wasnt me. I didn't want the short hair he wanted me to have, but I knew it pleased him. He also expressed the kind of clothes he likes on woman etc.. It was horrible.

We were not together long (I saw the light - and he made me feel rubbish for splitting up with him). But 20 years on I still hate my hair, even though it's long again, as this had a really lasting effect on me. I guess it made me feel it's horrible to others long and horrible to me short, so I was (and remain) stuck.

Never be the me. If your husband is trying to mould and change you, maybe he isn't who you thought he was?

What a dick.
He said that deliberately to hurt you.
I'd be wondering if he's making eyes at someone else and to justify this he has to blame you for making him unhappy by daring to put on weight while carrying his baby and not being able to lose it fast enough.

He should be supporting you and making sure you have time for yourself. You say you want to lose the weight but how on earth are you supposed to do this if you have no time for exercise.

I think he just wanted to get at you and this was the easiest thing to pick on.
I'd be reconsidering my whole future with this arsehole.

Wow! What a nasty and cruel thing to say. Is he perfect l assume? Has he aged / lost some hair / put on some weight since you met? Maybe if you had more time to yourself and he supported you more then things might be different. It's hard juggling everything and being under pressure. Especially with 3 young children and your youngest is only 16 months old. Why does he get to roll home so late and leave most stuff to you?

I am overweight at the moment thanks to some failed IVF, my partner is far from perfect but hadn't commented on it once. I'm trying to work on it but the time of year and me being so sad about it IVF failing aren't helping.

Oh and l doubt the counsellor will validate his comment. Quite possibly they will do the opposite

Chin up, you're still the better person in this relationship, caring for the children etc. He's got big insecurity problems of his own if that's how he feels. He's just wrong to say it, and inadequate to feel it. xxx

What a knob. What he said is completely out of order.

I'm so sorry he talked to you like that. What an arse!

@arethereanyleftatall is spot on

No. The main reason for his unhappiness is the fact he's an arsehole

This.

If he says anything about the Lindt, just tell him that it tastes better than him; gives you pleasure, unlike him, and is always available, unlike him. You don't have to cook, clean, or do washing for your Lindt either....

Ohhh Sweetie 😨😥😥🌺 (((((Madd Hugs))))))))

Scary teacher - brilliant answer.

You can be fat or slim or somewhere in between, your choice.

He will always be a dick however. He has no choice at all in that.

Please tell him to fuck off. If you can’t, I will! He’s an abusive prick.

Relate would see right through this idiot and totally validate your experiences. I would go. He'd make a right tit of himself!! You. Deserve. Better.

Hmm, I'd be telling him what he said was hurtful and made him look shallow. That you instantly founded him unattractive the moment those cruel words left his lips.

BUT I'd also be telling him you'd like to be back at your usual weight again too, for your health and energy and self-esteem. (Not for him - implied but not stated!)

Tell him with a job, three children and all the home stuff falling to you, you're currently wildly overloaded. He seems just to have his job and nothing else. Tell him the chocs are instant (unhealthy) energy when your battery is totally flat and it would be much better if you had more sleep (lack of sleep has a proven link to obesity!) less to do in the house and regular child-free time to exercise.

Tell him if he want the old you back it's in his hands. Instead of watching what you eat he can get the kids' stuff ready the night before if he needs to leave early for work, share shopping and meal planning at the weekends, clear up and immaculate the kitchen after meals you've cooked, give you one regular weekend lie-in ( you give him the other) and generally make himself a full partner at home.

Twice a week you need two hours to get to the pool or gym and exercise. How can he facilitate that?

Why are his work hours so long? Is he avoiding coming home until all the work is done?!

Good luck. If he loves you, he'll step up.

Go to Relate! Explain your schedule. They will say what I've said, that you need to work as a team!

He imagines the counsellor wl tell you you need to look nicer to keep him interested. The counsellor will tell him he needs to get his arse in gear before he loses you.

You're drowning in work and responsibilities, going under for the third time, while he standing in the side, arms folded, cruelly telling you you look lumpy in your swimsuit.

He needs to jump in and start swimming to save you!

Do you really need to work full-time?! Does he?! Some home-based parental time would be like a third pair of hands at this busy point in your lives. If he worked 4 days, his home day could cover all the washing and a big supermarket shop. 😉

Do not quit your job or cut your hours. You need to keep yourself in a position that you can leave.

His statements say nothing about you and everything about him.

I understand wanting to bide your time and see how things go. Sometimes it’s ok to just pull back a bit and see if time helps. I would be hesitant to go to counseling with him because he doesn’t seem earnest, but a couple of sessions might be worth it just to test it out.

Any relationship without kindness in it is dead in the water.

• He has a wife and family and he's never home. He's already checked out of your relationship.

If you split and he had to pay maintenance I wonder if you'd find he's really been working all the hours God sends?

No manners, no empathy, unkindness & verbal insults = fuck off in my book. Men like this are a tiresome waste of a woman's good years. I'm a firm believer that whilst splitting is painful, you can and will eventually get over any man. We don't die for lack of them.

He'll twist whatever Relate say, and use it to bully you.

Beware of playing the martyr 'for the sake of the children'. They won't necessarily thank you for it, or believe you stayed for their sake as opposed to your own, unfortunately. Children see and hear more than you know.

You're doing everything alone anyway, it would serve him right if you did leave and he had to pay up and shut up.

He's a dick, and incredibly shallow. You don't need Relate, you need a better partner! He obviously has no idea how marriage works and sounds like a very selfish unpleasant man. Hugs to you OP

I'm sorry op. This happened to me last year. I know its hurtful. I had piled on 4 stone. I felt sad and wanted to get back into my old clothes. I ended up doing a hiit dvd 5 times a week, and stopped eating chocolate in the week. I've lost 3 stone so far. I feel better in myself. You should ask him when you're supposed to have child free time to exercise? Would he come home early some nights?

I'm sorry OP. As everyone else above has said, he's an arsehole. The body you have now is the same body that has given him three beautiful children. He should respect you. Perhaps if he didn't leave everything for you to do, you'd have time to focus on other things, yourself and your appearance. He sounds vile, OP. xx

The only thing needs losing is his attitude and if he doesnt lose him instead.