The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

It’s actually the opposite. I really hoped the Relate counsellor to tell us to break up but she wouldn’t. She didn’t see he was abusive until our last few sessions and kept looking for solutions for the small things.

Precisely why we never, ever recommend relationship counselling in couples where there is abuse.

It's all very well everyone piling on and shouting 'LTB', but this has just happened, the OP has 3 kids and it's a week before Christmas.

How are you doing, @BettyBT?

I can imagine it must be a bit overwhelming with everyone telling you that you are being emotionally abused (which I agree with, to be honest). What are your plans for today/tomorrow? You don't need to make any big decisions today, but I do think you need to look at your relationship in a different light.

And think about the effect this relationship will have on your children in terms of how people should treat each other. I know you said he doesn't use his 'sharp tongue' in front of the DC, but trust me, they know.

Hope you're OK.

What an unpleasant individual he is. Tell him that you are not prepared to go to Relate with him but you are going to do something for you (make sure you say that) and that he will have to use the time and money that would have been spent going to Relate to spend with his children whilst you do something you want to do.

Go to the gym, go for a swim, go to a cafe and eat cake or whatever you want to do but make him look after his childen - and don't, please, call it babysitting for you.

If looks are so immaterial in a marriage, how comes they so important when single, based on online dating and gym memberships etc?

Because @rp30 that's usually because they're all we have to go on in the very early stages before we get to know - and love -them more.

Anyway no-one is saying that looks are immaterial here, merely picking up on the nasty way the OPs husband has chosen (chosen, mind!) to speak to her. Then it transpires that he reserves this way of speaking solely for her. Calculating, nasty and he doesn't sound like a catch anyway as he cba to do anything around the house and be present for his family.

Op he is a dick head!
Size 14 - 16 is smaller than the average size in the UK !
Stop putting yourself down.
Ugh what a horrible thing to say to anyone, especially the mother of your kids.
Stop doing anything for him.
No sex if he finds how you look such a problem then he's just using you for sex, meals and childcare etc
You're better than this

Your husband is abusive. The only cure is leaving him, not Relate or going on a diet or him doing more in the house. Your children will be better off if you divorce - you are already effectively a single parent so you might as well formalise it and not let your children grow up to think this is normal. They see more than you think.

Op he is a vile specimen who does not deserve you. But tell him 'Ok DH I hear you and I'm willing to work on this'. Then give him a great long list of jobs he'll actually have to step up and do, seeing as your time will be taken up with, cooking separate healthy food for yourself, shopping for said food for yourself, going to the gym, yoga classes for relaxation, swimming for toning up, going to bed early so you get enough sleep to do all of these things, oh and counselling for yourself.
See what he says

I'd LOVE to see what a counselor would say to him when he says "I'm not happy because my wife is 'fat'. She needs to lose weight to make me happy". And what that counselor would say to him when you say "I'n not happy because I do all the work. I never have a moment to myself because I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, watching after the children. He also makes unkind remarks to me like . He needs to help with house and children and stop criticizing me".

^
THIS!

And FWIW OP, my DH was a fit, well muscled, slim energetic 21 year old when I met him.
Now, he's a sick, disabled 50 year old. Quite a bit overweight because his disability mainly affects his mobility. He's in chronic pain and sleeps a lot due to his medication
Am I unhappy? NO
Do I love him less because he's not the same as when I married him? NO

I married a kind, caring man who loves me to bits. Not for his physical attributes. Looks fade.

It's the person inside that matters

Disclaimer - I obviously am not saying you need to do any or all of these things for your vile DH.
But if you decide to for yourself, LTB immediately afterwards. Then he'll see what he lost.

Agree with IndieTara, be very excited about a new you and hows hes going to have to step and cover you going to the gym etc. I suspect he'll go very quiet....

This comment exposes an unhealthy dynamic. It is not your responsibility to make him happy. If he is unhappy that is his stuff to talk about and deal with and not blame you. When you get to the other side of Christmas it might be worth doing some joint counselling to learn better communication skills.

Is he that much of an Adonis himself? I'm guessing not, frankly.

Why does he work such long hours?

He’s unhappy because of how you look?

Well, he can fuck right off so he doesn’t have to look at you anymore then, can’t he?

What a nasty, cruel person he is.

Please, please know that this is not how someone who loves you speaks. You are worth so much more than this.

To be fair, when the Relate counsellor finally realised he was abusive (even though I had told her in our first one- to - one) session, she did confront him head on, but his reaction was simply to say to me that he would no longer go back as she was picking on him.

Don't go to relate if he's charming to everyone else.

Your children will be happier if you leave as they won't be watching their father emotionally abuse their mother - and there's a chance they won't become the abuser or abused if you leave now. By now I mean when you've made preparations and it's not the week before xmas.

This 'men are programmed to fancy thin women' nonsense is a conversation for another day but NOBODY's happiness is located in someone else's appearance. If you lose the weight to heal his sadness it will just be something else. Something you're doing, probably. You know this I think.

I’d love for you to go to counselling on your own for a few sessions rather than relate. You don’t sound like you see just how horrible your husband is and how you deserve much better.

He's an arsehole and should never have said such a horrible thing to you. My ex used to call me fat all the time and say how disgusting he thought I looked after I put on about 3 stone. I lost the weight then left him. Was the best feeling ever. LTB!

Your husband is not kind to you. He should love you more than almost anyone in the world but it doesn't even seem as though he likes you.

I agree you should find some counselling for yourself and don't put up with his nastiness for another year.

Get rid of him unless he apologises then find someone who is worthy of you

I wouldn't go to couple counselling with him either. I would ask him to take his anger and control issues to counselling and attempt to confront and change them or get out. Far, far away.
My parents stayed together and there was control, anger, co-dependency and all manner of crap going on for years. It broke me, over and over again. Just because he's giving you a narrative of the effect of separation on children it doesn't mean that is absolute truth, which while he's on the topic also means that it is absolute bullshit that your weight is capable of making him happy or unhappy. Fuck that shit OP. We're not in the 50s anymore. Teach your children how adults should relate to each other and don't teach them to just suck up abuse.

I am probably a lone soul on here but I am unhappy because of my husband’s weight. I have posted about it before and was aware I was at risk of getting a pasting. People were very understanding though.

He is about 18 (I think) stone and not terribly tall. In the last 5 or so years though he has put on a lot of weight and is now obese. His clothes don’t fit, he looks awful and he eats shite all of the time. It upsets me as I’ve talked about it from a health point of view (his brother had a heart attack and died last year), I’ve talked about it from a clothing point of view (they don’t fit) and I’ve talked from an exercise point of view (he’s too busy). He won’t make any changes. He is so big that sex is completely unsatisfying for me because of the size of his stomach-we haven’t had that conversation yet. I’m so embarrassed by him (stomach and arse literally hanging out of his too small clothes) that I haven’t introduced him to my ‘new’ work friends yet. I’ve been there for 4 years...

It makes me angry that I have had several children (his) and managed to stay a healthy weight, yet he can’t be bothered. Every time he opens a chocolate bar, I feel like it’s another nail in the coffin of our marriage and our sex life. I find his eating and weight gain unattractive and disrespectful to me. Why can/should I bother to look ‘normal’ when he doesn’t?

If your DH is a dick/abusive/controlling/disgusting/unpleasant/lazy/a pig/a douche/arsehole/wanker -all words used on this thread, then I guess I am, too.

You say he is out really long hours-if he is working/commuting from early till late-I’m not sure that strikes me as being very lazy.

Men are super visual and most men do prefer slim/slender women, that’s just how they’re programmed

Complete and utter bollocks.

OP I am in a similar situation with my weight... lost all the excess after 1 and 2, have struggled after number 3 mainly due to absolute bloody exhaustion, and am now around a 14.
DH couldn’t care less, the only reason he is bothered is because it bothers me. I’ve asked that in the new year we can try and make some time for me to go to the gym etc and he has agreed that we’ll make it a priority as it will make me feel better.

Sounds like an arsehole to me. Even if he feels that way he should not have been hurtful, esp as it's related to getting back to yourself after growing a human being.

Definitely let him know that he could help out, with making healthy meals, and making time for you to take care of yourself a priority. Would it kill him several times a week to be home early enough for you to take a dance class (or whatever you might enjoy) or to have someone come watch the kids while you do it?

He should be much less concerned about him feeling "grumpy" and more concerned with you NOT feeling bad and worn out. Bottom line, if he made the effort for you to be able to invest in yourself so you feel better, it would benefit him.

Feeling down and tired after having kids is normal and he needs to educate himself and become a better, more supportive partner. It's easy to get in a rut and lose years to unhappiness, i know this because I lived it, and wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

My husband was all about his time at the bar and being the guy's guy. I wish I had put myself first, instesd I allowed myself to be destroyed emotionally and physically. Being a martyr is really not all it's cracked up to be, lol (I am not saying that YOU are being a martyr, I just know that I sure was). Everybody who you love is better off when you take care of yourself.

If he is basing his own happiness on how YOU look he has serious issues. How does he expect you to find a way forward when he is offering you so little support and help with the children?

I wont tell you to LTB this close to Xmas but you deserve better. Im sure you know that. Could you get him to look after the children and spend a night or weekend away at a spa getting pampered? Sounds like you need a break if nothing else

What an absolute fucking prick. You've carried his 3 kids and sound like you're doing an amazing job juggling work and home...yet HE'S depressed because you're not quite so slim?????

Jesus Christ OP he's a cunt. Especially as he does this in secret, not in front of others - very sneaky. I really hope you have people IRL you can talk to about this - if you feel able, start repeating to them the things he says and see the response you get. It's really easy to minimise this stuff until you realise you're living with an abusive fucker.

Sending you positive vibes and I wish I was a bloody 14-16 again