The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

What a dickhead.

How can you say such a vile thing to the mother of your children, your partner that you choose to spend your life with?

If you (God forbid!) have a car accident and you end up with a scarred face, will he also be unhappy for you not looking as you were before?

Honestly OP, if my DH said this to me, I’d consider leaving him. You didn’t deserve this.
My ex was like this, always telling me how fat and ugly I was. Surprisingly after our split, a lot of much better then him men were interested in fat ugly me, though my confidence was crushed.

Sending you and a big hug because I know how much it hurts

You really deserve better ❤️

Cross post.

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me

He is sounding more and more unpleasant.

What a despicably selfish thing to say to the person you’re supposed to love ‘for better or worse’. I’d personally ditch a good 12/13 stone over night by getting rid of that arsehole. Your weight is not the issue, your husband is.

You don’t need couples counselling because you have had three children and subsequently weigh a bit more than you used to. It’s completely normal for this to happen, you literally gave life to three human beings. If you need counselling it’s only to get him to see what a twat face he is.

I'm just about to get divorced. My children are in no pain whatsoever. Why would they be? - their mum is happier.

Oh OP.

You’d be better off out of this. Why would you want to be with this man? A sharp tongue just for you? Making his approval/engagement with the marriage contingent on you staying slim? Fucking hell.

That isn’t love. And pretending it is, to avoid a “broken” home, won’t protect your children from picking up on a dysfunctional model of how relationships work.

Honestly, based on your last update I wouldn't bother going to Relate with this man. Tell him to leave if he isn't happy, because a few dress sizes isn't going to change what a twat he is. Agree with another PP - tell him if you had a more successful husband, you would have had a choice about not rushing back to work full-time and do 90% of the work for the home and DC.
Then OP, I hope you get your finances and paperwork sorted, ready to split and find a caring man who appreciates you.

"My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me."
"He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others"

LTB. With fucking bells on. And don't do counselling with the piece of shit, he will use it to attack and blame you.

Signs of emotional abuse

I hate this man

MN says it's 101% him that's being unreasonable.

But honestly, this is dreadful, OP - he's not stepping up, he's not being supportive, and it's all your fault because he thinks you should lose weight (insert obligatory MN comment about losing 13 stone by LTB). I think this would forever colour my opinion of someone, even if we stayed together-who even thinks like this, let alone verbalise it ?

It be seem daunting to you now but you would actually be better off without him

So you're going to relate to try to extend this "relationship"? To what end? So that he can ditch you in 10 years' time instead for looking too old? Tell him to get to fuck op. Unless relate can give him.a complete personality transplant. Nasty cunt. I hope you didn't offer him a chocolate.

You couldn't be more reasonable. This guy is a douche bag of epic proportions.

He'd be a dick for asking you to lose weight. But making your waistline responsible for his happiness is really quite manipulative and nasty.

Argh, screenshot didn't attach - sorry, the 101% was a lame joke: when I voted, it showed up as 101%...

But I still don't think there's a person on the planet who would think he's in the right on this.

He sounds nasty. If you were slimmer it still wouldn't be enough. He d say your hair was boring or your clothes frumpy blah blah.
I d wonder if you would be happier without him putting you down all the time. Sounds like you re doing an amazing job holding it all together on your own anyway.
Only if you want to but if you could make the gym sometimes it really helps not just weight loss but mood boosting. Might help you get your confidence back to stand up to the nasty twat.

Go to Relate. His attitude of not appreciating you but blaming you could do with some sunlight.

What a horrible, horrible man.

This fucker is abusive, selfish and misogynistic. I bet you've spent years putting up with his moods, indulging and obeying him, telling yourself to 'pick your battles' as it's just easier to give in to him all the time.

It's not impossible that he's sniffing around some other woman at present, though. Sometimes these self-obsessed men feel entitled to 'trade up' after a few years with one partner, and to do that they have to denigrate the existing one.

You sound lovely and he’s a cunt.

I’d leave him. He’s a total dick. Your kids will be fine as are plenty of other kids whose parents end up in this position. He’ll destroy your self esteem if you stay.

So he's a nasty, lazy prick OP.
So sorry.
First off don't worry about your weight.
No wonder you are hitting the Lindt....it's giving you a lot more support than that waste of space, that is conveniently gone early in the morning and home very late at night.

What an absolute douchebag.

You need to buckle up and stand up for yourself.
Please look at your finances.
Tell your family and friends exactly what he's like, how little he does.

He's a nasty bully.
You need to stand up for yourself.

Sorry OP, he doesn't love you.
Men don't say those type of things to the women they love.

He wants to hurt you.
Please protect yourself.

💐

Wow this is awful. What a twat. I know someone will be saying he can't help what he's attracted to blah blah but you've not gained that much weight. Tbh I think your weight is completely irrelevant. The fact he obviously said this to hurt you is the big issue. What makes it worse is you're doing so much to keep everything going. And tbh that he can be that shallow is really fucking awful. Yes we might mot be attracted to our partner if they gained loads of weight but 12kg being a 14 to 16. Really? I'm sure you still look lovely. Also wtf did he think was gonna happen when you had and raided 3 children. Sorry he's such a dick.

I wouldnt be able to get past that comment - what a dick! Presume he is supermodel material himself?!?

I would be making plans to leave.

'Go to Relate. His attitude of not appreciating you but blaming you could do with some sunlight.'

This - although tbh it sounds as if it's not just this issue (which is bad enough), but that he actively enjoys keeping you miserable and, as he possibly imagines, on your toes, and who could blame you for deciding you don't want to put up with that?

My bet is this delightful specimen is completely aware that it's difficult, partly due to his not being around to pick up the slack, for you to lose the weight. He wants you to tie yourself in knots to please him, but he doesn't really want you to lose the weight, as then he loses his stick to beat you with (though he would no doubt find another).

What an arsehole. He’s a nasty git and you deserve better.

You could try Relate, I think they'd agree he's being a twat and what he said was nasty.