The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

I used to have one of those. First I had to quit smoking, which I did, then I had to lose 10 kg, which I did. I kind of forgot what came after that because he panicked and made a list of around ten things that I needed to do to be more attractive to him. Mr micropenis and selfish in bed is an EX now.

If he can't love you with a bit of extra weight he won't love you when you get old and wrinkly. There is no future in this relationship.

The best thing for children is not to stay in an unhappy marriage, the best thing for children is to show them to respect yourself and live a happy life. Be their example.

I am genuinely horrified by some of the responses you have had OP, thankfully most are supportive. See I think a lot of people (your idiot dh included) misunderstand the difference between a long term relationship or marriage and the initial attraction.

At initial attraction fair enough...people are totally entitled to have their preferences. They shouldn't be required to start a relationship with someone they dont particularly feel attracted to. If they fancy size 8 by all means choose size 8's.

However in a long term relationship if you genuinely cannot connect on a different level with the person and it is still about what they look like then there is something truly wrong or vapid about you.

After my stroke I put on 7 stone , I've now lost it. In fact I'm now smaller I was when I met DP. We talked about this and not once , not ever did he mention my weight. When we discussed it when I had lost it all he genuinely looked non plussed . His response that i never stopped being me. Yes he could see the weight and maybe he wouldn't have been attracted at the start but now? He was genuinely confused and said " but your my person, you were still being a mum, a partner ,etc etc why would it change my feelings?"

For the pp who claims its disrespectful...yes you absolutely are controlling and abusive. You earn respect and that is partly by recognising a shared history and everything that person has done or is is just as valid as a number or a size.

OP think about your future this is beyond not ok. If he cant see the wife and mother and person you are you deserve so so much better

To be fair statistically men do prefer slim women, that's been proven. Clearly not all, and clearly slim doesn't equate to skinny, but yes thr majority of men prefer women to be of a healthy weight.

However it's irrelevant in this context. This is a married couple. If he has an issue with the ops weight gain and. No longer finds her physically attractive because of it (and we've had plenty of threads from women who also loose the attraction to their husbands due to weight gain) he should have talked to her about it sensitively. It's then up to thr op to decide if she's happy at this weight, or not and for her own benefit. Love and physical attraction for most people, again not all are different things.

Saying it makes him unhappy and being a shit about it is simply nasty.

I think he is using your weight gain to try and control you.He sounds very unpleasant TBH .Why on earth would he comment about some chocolate ? I think he is wanting to check out of the relationship really.Nearly every woman will be bigger than pre pregnancy its a natural process . If you do get divorced then he will have to step up to the plate and be a weekend parent .Many families get through this and the children will adapt too.You deserve a better relationship and someone who appreciates you.

Sounds to me like he’s checked out - at work until late in the evening, irritable and cross because you’re eating chocolate ffs, now blaming your weight for his unhappiness.

I know you don’t need anything else to make you feel shit, but I’m sorry to say, he’s probably had his head turned and work and is trying to find a way to make that your fault.

Kick the fucker out and make sure he spends his weekends with his own DCs. You can get some much-needed alone time and rest, go out, take up a hobby, whatever you want to do.

The way you describe waiting it out with this prick until your DCs are older is heart breaking. You deserve better, you only get one life.

And your DCs won’t be damaged by you splitting, thats bollocks. Kids are damaged by acrimonious spilts where they are used as pawns between the parents and pitted against each other. Kids whose parents split without drama are fine. Mine certainly are and they have more friends with divorced parents than not!! They’ve flourished since splitting from XH, we spend time together for their sakes, they get to visit him in interesting locations and go on family holidays with his side of the family, and I get the odd kid-free weekend with my gorgeous DP who has never made me feel shit for putting on a few stone pounds since we met.

Men are super visual and most men do prefer slim/slender women, that’s just how they’re programmed

If it’s bullshit why are so many wanking off to porn involving very slim ladies? Why do rich/successful men around the world marry women who almost clones of each other?

Those men wanking off to porn involving very slim ladies?
Those rich successful men marrying clone-women?

They are almost guaranteed to be misogynistic, shallow arseholes.

Suggest you focus more intently on men who don't choose to believe in that particular brand of bullshit, @charm8ed.
Then maybe you can decide to stop believing the bullshit too.
HTH

messolini9 I really don’t believe it but I think the OP’s husband is one of the assholes that has this viewpoint.

You can lose the weight if you want to, but do you think your husband will lose his ability to act like a cruel selfish toddler?

& @OoohTheStatsDontLie has it.

Please get reading Lundy Bancroft, (the docdroid link above) & investigating the Freedom Programme OP.
No need for any decisions or immediate changes.
Just a lot of calm, logical thinking, while you process this latest insult & piece of coercive control.

Look after yourself & enjoy a happy xmas with your kids

Exactly what messolini9 said charm8ed

Don't buy into the misogynistic bullshit and pass it off as fact.

I apologise if I worded my post wrong.

What a shallow little man.
Maybe you should show him this thread and let him know how unhappy you are and how others see him.
Size 14 after three children? I wish!
PS I hope he's losing his hair! There might be a few other dysfunctions creeping up on him that he won't like either!

I agree with the people saying go to relate and shine some light on what he said, start remembering and writing down other things he has said and done along the way, he won’t be able to silence you or shut you down with the relate lady/man like he can at home. Talking to a stranger might make you listen and see yourself a bit more and realise how you’ve got to a point where accepting this as your normal is wrong.

OP I would actually recommend you do go to relate but on your own so you can redefine the boundaries of a healthy relationship and get the strength to leave him and heal from the emotional abuse.

It will always be your fault, you could lose 12kg and it would be something else. He won’t change.

Crap thing to say. I would be asking home for a full and proper apology and a full and frank talk. See what comes if it. Most important thing is that you keep the fire of anger in your belly and don’t let his nonsense touch your self esteem. Of course yours bloody run off your feet ! Of course you’re going through the period many just struggle to get everything done ! Well done and well done for being pissed off with him. What a tosser.

It sounds like basically he doesn’t fancy you any more and is annoyed that you’re not even trying to lose weight. I’m on the fence with this one - if he married an average size woman then it’s not unreasonable for him to not want to be married to a large woman. But he should be helping and supporting more so you can get fit again.

Of note is he has a charming social veneer but is privately horrid to you
He’s supposed to love,support and be in your corner.not slagging you off
If he constructively wants to help you attain your health goals by giving you time or support that’s helpful
Being critical is undermining and you deserve better

@Boireannachlaidir it seems important in a relationship for years, well beyond the point of gettign to know someone.

Ah so it is the delivery of the news rather than that he is finding her unattractive being big?

I'm so sorry OP, this is nasty, hurtful and unloving.

I think the answer lies in your last line though: He wants to see someone at Relate.

I don't think this is about your weight at all, is it? Relate wouldn't make you slimmer or make him more loving and see you as a whole.

I think he has something else on his mind and he is using something 'easy' to criticise you and attack you, like some easy excuse in his mind.

Agree with IndieTara, be very excited about a new you and hows hes going to have to step and cover you going to the gym etc. I suspect he'll go very quiet....

I doubt this, he'll just find a way to sabotage OP's attempts to lose weight, or find something else about her to pick at.

I had one of those, kept going on about me losing weight (I now realise I was comfort eating because I was unhappy with him), and when I tried to do something about it, he found something about my looks to start having a dig at me about.

It's not really about the weight here, it's about the DH being an abusive bastard to OP.

I would be honest back and say that his comments and not helping around the house are upsetting you and ask him what he is going to do about it? Really hate this kind of man. You must be exhausted and he just swans in to criticize when you need support. You are the one keeping everything together so he should be happy to have you.

He can have the children every Saturday morning whilst you 'go to the gym'. Go to a cafe, drink coffee and read a book.
He's an arse.

He’s an abusive prick
The irony is that I bet he wouldn’t come home earlier so that you can have time to go to the gym
He leaves early , comes back late and therefore doesn’t do the donkey’s work.
He should be kissing your behind

Relate sounds like a good idea to me if he will take it seriously.

My partner and I have been together for nine years, he's put quite a lot of weight on over the last few years.

I still love him to pieces, yes I worry about his health but I'd never say anything like that to him at all - not only is it not true (in my case, I still fancy him) it's horrible! Your husband is an arsehole.

I could cry for you. What a bastard.
Even if he felt that way - how could he voice it?