The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me. Everyone else thinks he’s funny, intelligent and charming. He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others and never whilst DC are around. I thought I’d be ok because I can protect my heart and stay happy for our children until they are grown.

He's abusive towards you! You feel numb and sad, that neither being able to protect your heart nor staying happy...is this the life you want your DC to see you living? Even if they don't see/hear the words, you won't be able to hide the effects they have on you.

YABU to think that you can change his opinion on what he finds attractive, but YANBU to be hurt by his comments.

I'm guessing he can't help how he feels, but it was unkind of him to be so blunt.

IMHO, one of the things separating romantic love from other types of love is the aspect of physical attraction, so I do believe it's an important part of such a relationship, and if you're attracted to certain things, but not others, it's not something you can change or control.

but you can avoid making cruel remarks about it

The main reason for YOUR unhappiness is HIM

I don't think I could bring myself to spend anymore time with someone so shallow and vile. IF my husband ever said anything like that to me the door would firmly be open with one foot up his arse whilst I booted him out. I have put on 3 stone since i got married 8 years ago (combination of many things and I am deeply unhappy about it) but my husband still wolf whistles when I am in the shower and seems to think I am still sexy and gorgeous etc (despite him being a skinny fitness fanatic!). It's about the whole person not just their weight.. What a horrid odious little man your husband sounds.

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me.

No. He's abusive towards you. There, fixed that for you.

That is so hurtful OP, what a dick. Like you have alluded to, you are rushed off your feet working full time and running the house. You barely see each other and when you do he is grumpy and hasn't got anything nice to say to you. It's hardly surprising you crave chocolate or whatever as a comfort.

How someone looks is about lust. Love is about the memories, the soul, the life you have built together. What does he want? Love or lust? I think you both have some soul searching to do. I suspect your hectic schedules has taken its toll but can you change that? And if you did, would things with him improve? What I'm trying to say is, is this who he really is or is it a product of a deeper unhappiness and not enough quality time as a couple and family?

The fact he said it with a nasty scowl. If it really was an issue he would talk to you about it in a sensitive manner.
He wanted to be cruel, he wanted to hurt you, this is not about your weight. I am thinking some new eye candy in work possibly a size 10, he is sulking.
I'd be furious at him for his delivery.

He has inherited a misogynistic attitude that probably comes from his DF's attitude to his DM. Or perhaps he blamed his DM for the break up of their marriage and the self-pity/ suppressed anger is being transferred to his relationship with you.
I would ask him about his DP's marriage and how it affected him. He won't want to talk about it but the problem could easily lie there and if he understood that he might be pleasanter.

This is more than about your weight. He’s unhappy and wants to go to Relate as he has either checked out, wants help checking out or does want to make the relationship work. You are scared about going as it’ll reveal the issues in your marriage. Have you considered that the reason you are eating chocolate is that you yourself are unhappy with this man (who sounds like a complete douche). I would definitely go to Relate and do you can decide once and for all whether it’s worth staying and get support if you decide to leave.

I found Relate totally unhelpful in the context of an emotionally abusive man. If it is safe to stand up to him, do it. If not, make your plans to leave. My kids are much happier without their dad in their daily life.

I'd LOVE to see what a counselor would say to him when he says "I'm not happy because my wife is 'fat'. She needs to lose weight to make me happy". And what that counselor would say to him when you say "I'n not happy because I do all the work. I never have a moment to myself because I'm constantly cleaning, organizing, watching after the children. He also makes unkind remarks to me like . He needs to help with house and children and stop criticizing me".

IF you did decide to go to counseling (and it's your decision) then I think he's in for a huge wake up call. It happened to my DH. He wasn't as bad as your DH by a long shot, but when we ended up in counseling (at my insistence) he got a 'dressing down' he still remembers. There were changes I needed to make too, but none of them involved my losing weight!

Not all marriages can or should be saved. You sound pretty unhappy to me. You're doing all the work as it is. If you did divorce, you'd still be doing it all, but there'd be less of it (by one arsehole) to do.

knowhowufeel the OP isn't seeking to change his opinion on what he finds attractive.

Not going to deny that physical attraction can be important for romantic love. It does not, however, give him carte blanche to belittle and humiliate the OP or be abusive to her. If he genuinely doesn't feel he can continue in the relationship due to her appearance no one can stop him leaving (it makes him an arsehole, but its a free country). But under no circumstances is it acceptable for him to stay and berate her and chip away at her self esteem.

This isn't so much about weight, as power and control.

OP you don't need to hear this stuff.

What a pig he sounds - hugs to you

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me. Everyone else thinks he’s funny, intelligent and charming. He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others and never whilst DC are around.

This is a deliberate and calculated choice to keep you in your place, doing what he wants, and feeling too shit about yourself to think you deserve better or be able to imagine anyone else ever treating you better.

You do deserve better, though.

What you're describing is classic domestic abuse. I appreciate that may not be what you were expecting to hear when you posted or how you've been conditioned to see how he behaves with those moods that keep you on eggshells.

I'm not calling him an evil monster; it's not necessary to be to abuse someone. It's simply about seeking power and control over someone.

Professional position is never to conduct joint therapy where there is abuse because the abusive party will manipulate it to gain deeper control.

Individual therapy for you to help you rebuild your self esteem and unravel what's been going on may be helpful.

Alternatively or additionally you may find the Freedom Programme course helpful - it's one of their ground rules that you will never be told to leave him. You don't have to talk about your life either. All they do is share information about healthy vs abusive relationships, the dynamics behind abuse and how it affects you. Then it's up to you what you do with that info. The group course is free and confidential, but if there isn't one you can get to you can do an online version for about a tenner. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Doing the course or seeing a therapist on your own isn't condemning him or deciding he is abusive, it's just gathering information and figuring out what you can do and want to do to make life less distressing and easier to live.

Unfortunately when my ex started picking holes in my appearance it was because he was chasing a skinny minnie at work who apparently spent a fortune keeping herself looking glam. I however as a full time mum to 4 kids with a full time job was lucky if I ate a decent meal each day and I considered it a bonus if there wasn't some kind of spillage on my outfit most days!

I certainly hope that's not the case for you, but its a horrid and hurtful thing to do when you pick on your partners appearance, especially as you've given him some beautiful children from that body that he now feels he is allowed to criticise.

I believe we have to value ourselves and no one who speaks to their partner like that values them - not at all - horrible man

If looks are so immaterial in a marriage, how comes they so important when single, based on online dating and gym memberships etc?

I'm not suggesting he does everything here. But he does do too much of it.

I couldn't disagree more @charm8ed

Men are super visual and most men do prefer slim/slender women, that’s just how they’re programmed.

What are you saying? What does "super visual" mean? Men have eyes, women have eyes. Are you saying women don't care about looks and will fancy any fat, flabby, out of shape male? Are we programmed to overlook that and be kind?

OP it's not you or your weight. It's him. He's deeply unpleasant and lazy too. I couldn't move on from that comment and certainly wouldn't stay with him "for the sake of the children" who need a happy mother not someone being verbally abused by the arsehole they have for a father.

He sounds disgusting. Do you have daughters imagine what issues he will cause them with his ideas of female perfection

I’m worried about going to Relate. I think the counsellor will tell us to break up.

It’s actually the opposite. I really hoped the Relate counsellor to tell us to break up but she wouldn’t. She didn’t see he was abusive until our last few sessions and kept looking for solutions for the small things.

Wise words from ChristmasCarcase - no point fighting to save something that's better off dead anyway.

It must seem daunting, but a man like this - he will (if he hasn't already) suck all the joy out of you. He's not a good father either - good fathers don't treat their children's mothers like this.

You honestly would be better off alone.

And as everyone else has said - your weight isn't the issue.

This man is abusive to you. Please, please do not do relationship counselling with him. That can be incredibly dangerous when you are in an abusive relationship as many counsellors won't recognise it for what it is. Have counselling on your own with someone experienced in domestic violence.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad OP. What your DH said wasn't very nice but at least he was being honest.

No one wants to hear they are overweight. I'm sure it's pretty clear to yourself when you look in the mirror but your DH has said this is affecting his attraction towards you.

It certainly sounds like he isn't helping you at all. If he wants you to be more healthy/active then you'd need time to do that so he needs to step up with being a parent.