to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

[Callistone]

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

For me personally funeral's are for close friends and family to celebrate a life and to say goodbye. When I arranged my mothers funeral (aged 28) I was actually upset at the amount of people that came that had nothing to do with my mum. The why i see it is if you wouldn't travel to see me when i'm alive don't bother when i am dead!

A death is more than just the funeral and will affect your lives for some time before and after so your parents can and will most definitely be there to support you and your DH and can do this successfully without attending that one day.

I’m from the north east of Scotland and attending funerals as a mark of respect is a thing here, too. When I first read your OP I did think you sounded a little self absorbed, however, if my ILs passed away I’m almost certain my parents would attend, at the very least to show respect to DH (they are fond of him). My ILs are from England and they don’t attend funerals in the same way as my parents do, but I still think they would want to support me if my parents died. So I don’t think YABU.

My parents travelled from Scotland to North Wales to attend my sister's in-laws' funerals. They would have thought it rude not to as it was to support DS and their son in law and grandson. Big funerals are the norm in Scotland though and I attend friend parents' funerals. I still feel guilty about not attending my friend's Dads funeral when it clashed with DS1s leavers' assembly!
It's definitely a cultural difference.

When my great nanny died last year I remember my aunts PIL driving over 5 hours to go to the funeral, I also remember my uncles from my DM side coming to my grandads funeral on DF side, it's not about knowing the person who has died personally, it's about being their for family who are grieving and have lost a loved one.

I'm in the yabu camp too I'm afraid. You're the adult - it's your role to support your dh and your dc. Whilst obviously you should expect your parents to be sympathetic, and perhaps help with childcare for a non-attending dc, expecting them to take on the role of supporter is a bit much - it's your role.

I get that it's an unexpected and quick illness, but it's still a normal thing for an adult with children to lose their parent, and for a child to lose their grandparent. The funeral of a child, or young adult would be different, but while the loss of a gp/df is no less, it';s something that as adults we all will probably have to deal with by ourselves at some point.

Obviously if you're Irish or from a culture where anyone who even knew of the deceased would attend that's different, but I assume you're from a British culture.

One of my parents showed up to my FIL funeral as a show of support to my DH, they didn't come to the wake as they didnt really know him. I don't think you are unreasonable to want some support.

Lots of people prefer not to have to go to funerals unless they absolutely have to. The older you get, the more you feel the accumulation of loss

So true. And the older you get, the more likely it is to be a 'very' close friend or relative.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Others have already said I want to say, that it seems to vary a great deal depending on where you're from. I'm Irish and would find it sad if they didn't go to the funeral. I fully agree with people saying it's about supporting the family and those left.

I now live in Scotland and find people's attitudes very cold and different over here. I suppose ultimately it's just that different places have different attitudes and none are necessary better than others - I suppose whatever we're used to seems 'normal.'

I fully understand why you'd appreciate having your parents there and I think that would surely be a big factor in the deciding to come.

It must be a really difficult time for you and your husband and I hope you're all alright.

When my father died suddenly, my lovely MIL came to the funeral. We had three boys, aged 3, 5 and 7, and she came so that she could help us with them in the church, and after the wake, she took them back to mum's house and looked after them there, whilst dh and I went to the crematorium, with the rest of the close family.

There are many reasons why I loved her so much, and this is one of them. She died 5 years ago, and I miss her terribly.

If my fil dies, my parents would not attend his funeral. They barely know him and vice versa. I think you're making a mole hill out of this.

I think it depends on the family. My lovely grandparents attended my bio dad’s parents’ and my step dad’s parents’ funerals to support me and I was an adult at all 4 of them. Many of the people who attended my dad’s funeral had never met him but wanted to support me, my mum and my siblings. I don’t think it’s compulsory or anything but it’s a lovely gesture for the bereaved. And I’m from a British culture.

I am genuinely staggered at those who think you are being unreasonable. My in laws, who didn't know my dad that well all things considered, dropped everything when he died and travelled several hundred miles (including a flight) to be with us. Dh looked after me, they looked after the children. It is such a shocking, bewildering time and all the love and support with which you can be surrounded is to be cherished. Why would they not be there?

@Wild123
I agree completely I was like that when my dad died. All these people saying how great he was, well where were they as he struggled with Parkinson’s.
Quiet private family funeral. No Facebook posting no outlandish wreaths no weeping and wailing at the graveside.
Sorry I’m digressing.

I think you are not at all unreasonable. It would be normal for us and both ILs have a similar distant but friendly relationship. Not met very often etc, but do the Christmas card thing.

My PIL came to my dad's funeral but I didn't expect them to. in the end I'm really glad they did as they helped with the dc.

I think a lot people go to a funeral because they like the drama.

I’ve lost the name of the pp who said this, but really? Drama? Funerals tend not to be dramatic, at least not in my experience, which is more extensive than most given that I’m a Parish Minister and have conducted a few hundred funerals.

It seems that Scottish and Irish funerals are fairly similar in terms of attitudes towards attendance, and with big funerals being the norm.

I'm very much in the YANBU camp, OP. I'm from rural North Yorks and funerals here are as much about supporting the bereaved as paying respects to the deceased. Nobody round here would bat an eyelid at someone attending the funeral of someone they'd never even met in support of a member of the family. My PIL came to my dad's funeral, even though DP and I had only been together for 18 months at the time and due to dad's long illness, they'd never met him - because they wanted to support us. I would probs thing it stranger for your parents not to be there than the reverse, FWIW.

My response probably won't resonate with a fair proportion of you!

I'm Irish, in Ireland, and here that would be unthinkable - but our approach to funerals is very different than in the UK.

So absolutely in-laws would attend - and not just MIL/PIL but SIL/BIL etc along with many many others who would only have tangential connections with the deceased but have a connection with the bereaved - maybe they're work colleagues; a friend; professionally connected in someway - honestly it's just the done thing.

In this situation, assuming UK tradition for funerals, I still think your DM & DF should go. Yes, it's offering support to you and their son-in-law and is a mark of respect.

YADNBU

I think YANBU at all, I've been quite surprised at some of the responses you've received but I guess just everyone is different. When my DF died he was in his 50s, lots of people who came knew him well but also lots came as a support to his family and they didn't know him all that well. My DN was 8 and came to the funeral as did her grandparents from her other side, it was good for her to say goodbye and also to have faces she knew there as otherwise it would've been a sea of people she didn't and honestly it was nice for my DSis that her ILs came along. The ILs took DN to the funeral and home afterwards while DSis was obviously in the family car etc as that would have been too much for her at 8.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask them for support, even if that means that they come and look after your youngest DC while you attend the funeral.

It's such a sad time especially so close to Christmas, I hope your DFIL is peaceful and you get everything sorted with your parents

My PIL only met my DM a handful of times. They were very different. PIL came to her funeral because they thought it was the right thing to do. That was appreciated, but not the fact that in church they plonked themselves with SIL in the second row relegating siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces etc to rows further back.
Strange what you remember on the saddest of days.

This is a very English thing. In Irish catholic culture (in the UK), it is totally normal to attend funerals of people you hardly knew to support the family member or friend you do know. I have been to dozens of funerals of people I have barely known or have never even met, to support my friends at the loss of their parent or partner. To me its the polite and loving thing to do to be there for someone. The person in the coffin doesn't care who's there - funerals are for the living! Your parents are your husbands family are they not?

I've even flown to Ireland to 'represent' my own parents at a funeral when they were too elderly to attend. English people need to have been best friends with someone and to get a written invitation before they go. I think its unfriendly and cold, but thats just me perhaps. I would be very hurt in your position.

If they hardly knew them they probably feel weird attending, almost like they’re intruding

I agree with this. But from other posts on here I've learnt that funeral etiquette is definitely cultural. I wouldn't expect my DM to come to my PIL funerals, they have met a few times and exchange Christmas cards but that's it. But I can see other people would want people there, supporting the bereaved rather than for the deceased.

Irish also BUT! You go to funerals for the living. They absolutely should be their for their SIL and grandkids, and even their DD!

How cold of them. I’m sure OPs DH will be hurt and offended.

What I am sensing from your posts is that you’re infuriated that you have to be the one to support others and you don’t want to. You want to be supported. However you are the in law and parent to 2 young children and therefore your role is to support the family and look after your children.

As for your parents not wanting to go? You don’t know how your parents feel about their mortality and funerals. They are perhaps the next generation to go. And they don’t want to come. Coupled with the fact that the funeral is 3 hours drive away. That’s a very intense entire day, especially as, as you say there will be very few mourners. What you are expecting of them is a far cry from supporting a friend when you’re young and sprightly.

As for supporting your dd. My dds grandfather - Ie my stepfather - died when dd was the same sort of age as your 8 yo. She was involved in the funeral and read a short eulogy. There are plenty of books and resources online, which don’t involve needing the gps to come along to support them. I think you’d be better thinking outside the box.

Your fil isn’t even dead yet. Having lost my father as a child and my stepfather more recently, I find your attitude upsetting actually.

Also I bet if their best friends father (who they don’t know) died they’d go to the funeral for their best friend.

But not for their Son in Law??