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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 18/12/2019 10:57

I'm genuinely surprised at the amount of YABU OP.

I think the strength of the YABU isn't about what people personally want from funeral attendance, but what the OP vehemently EXPECTS of her parents (in her opening post of course).

NoSauce · 18/12/2019 10:57

I would only expect someone to attend their child’s in-laws funeral if they’d been in contact or friendly with them. 3 hours is a long way to drive to attend the funeral of someone you don’t know.

XXXXXX42 · 18/12/2019 10:57

It would be odd to go to a funeral for someone who you have no relationship with.

Teachermaths · 18/12/2019 10:59

The point is you are the parent. You take the lead. They don't know what they will feel or what to expect. They won't even contemplate other grandparents being there unless you mention it.

Your situation is non tragic. It's not an unexpected death of a young person. It feels horrible for you, I've been there. But you have warning and time to prepare.

MaintainTheMolehill · 18/12/2019 10:59

Of course they should be there and I'm shocked others think YABU. My Uncle and cousin even came to my MILs funeral, they had met her once at our wedding and my cousins mum (uncles wife) funeral had just been the week before. They were there to support my DH and me.

Sorry you are going through this OP, we had similar happen with fil but just 6 weeks from diagnosis til he died. Its a horrible time Flowers

Longdistance · 18/12/2019 10:59

Well, my mil and her dh drove 150 miles to come to my dfs funeral and my fil was there also.
I’d say Yanbu. Though that depends on their health also.

frenchknitting · 18/12/2019 11:00

YANBU, it would be a completely normal thing to expect, in my experience. I find my (english) in laws have very different notions of a funeral than my (Scottish) side of the family though. There is clearly a wide gap between polarised options on this, so I don't think you can hold it against them really.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 18/12/2019 11:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be surprised and a bit hurt by this. My parents and my in laws have a similar relationship to the one you've described - they bump into each other at our house occasionally, send Christmas cards but wouldn't socialise with each other. However, if my husband's dad suddenly became ill and died, I do think they would attend his funeral and if they chose not to, I'd feel surprised and a bit let down - almost like it reflected badly on me, although I don't really know why I'd feel that way! They are after all perfectly entitled to choose not to attend. I would think they might have offered to come to look after your 3 year old for you. Sorry about your father in law, must be a horrible time for you all especially at this time of year.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/12/2019 11:01

This makes me very glad of Irish tradition, as these are the times when you need support and it's so lovely to see so many people there for you, just to shake your hand, give you a hug, and express their sympathy.

It’s such a lovely thing to do and only a few hours out of someone’s day, whereas their support for the bereaved person will be forever appreciated. My three bosses attended my husband’s funeral, even though I had been on unpaid leave for two years, as did the local shopkeepers, some of my customers (I was running a small business at the time), etc. None of them actually knew my husband personally, but were there to support me and the kids. I’ll always appreciate their kindness.

Ijustwanttoretire · 18/12/2019 11:02

Nope. If my MIL dies I wouldn't expect my parents to go the funeral - and vice versa. If they lived in the same town or nearby possibly, but not if they were a long distance apart.

JonSlow · 18/12/2019 11:02

Do you really want your children to be there? Will they understand the concept of what they are going through, or will it be a case of “I’m bored......” etc.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/12/2019 11:03

Your situation is non tragic. It's not an unexpected death of a young person.

Ffs! The man was only in his 60s, hardly ancient! Every death is tragic, to those left behind!

caperplips · 18/12/2019 11:03

I think this must be a cultural thing really, I grew up in Ireland and my parents would attend all sorts of funerals as a mark of respect. It would be seen as really disrespectful not to go and also tiny funerals (unless publicly stated that it was a 'private family only' funeral, and these were rare in my world) was seen as terribly sad. A big funeral was a sign of standing and respect in the community.

SunshineAngel · 18/12/2019 11:05

Even if they DID know them well, it's absolutely up to them whether they go or not. Everyone deals with grief and loss differently - and funerals aren't for everyone. It's their choice.

aibutohavethisusername · 18/12/2019 11:06

My ex’s Dad died last year and I went to the funeral to support my DD and my parents came too as they were invited.
Ex’s family still get on well with mine was ex’s Mum’s 80th last week and my parents came along.
I remember when I was at Uni my Grandad passed away and my other Grandad came and picked me up and took me to the funeral. So I don’t think that the OP is BU.

ParkheadParadise · 18/12/2019 11:07

I've been to lots of funerals where I didn't know the deceased personally. Friends,work colleagues to me that's what you do.
When my dd died, DH's work colleagues came they had never met dd.

Andysbestadventure · 18/12/2019 11:07

OP you're an adult. You shouldn't be relying on your parents for emotional support. It is your job to support your children, not theirs. Yabvvvu and incredibly selfish to even expect it.

Snuffkindle · 18/12/2019 11:07

My parents didn't come to my father in laws funeral. They live 2 hours away. They did help us though. My mother in law really didn't want the children to come so they went to my parents.
My husbands close friends did.come but obiously they knew his dad and wanted to support him. I think you are being a tad unreasonable and actually big they come you won't have much time to.be with them.

Teachermaths · 18/12/2019 11:14

Not every death is tragic. A lot of deaths in older people are a release. Release from pain and suffering. I'm assuming as FIL is ill, his death will be part release for him. Death isn't to be feared or run away from. It is a natural part of life.

MintyMabel · 18/12/2019 11:17

My parents didn’t come to FIL’s funeral. It would be weird if they had.

Itsjustmee · 18/12/2019 11:17

I don’t think your wrong to feel upset
DH and I went to his ex wife's stepfathers funeral
He knew him although he hadn’t seen him for years he was the step grandfather of his grown up DC . I had only met him and his wife a few times in over 20 years
When my mum passed away my sisters boyfriend parents came and his sisters and brothers came to the funeral and the wake
My sister in law and my mother in law also came despite them not really knowing my mum and had maybe only met her a few times in over 20 years
My dad was extremely touched that so many people took time out of their busy lives to say goodbye to his wife - it meant a huge amount to him

Funerals aren’t for the dead they are really for the living to say good bye and pay your respects and it’s nice for the family to know that people are thinking of them at this sad time

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 11:18

what the OP vehemently EXPECTS of her parents , None of them actually knew my husband personally, but were there to support me and the kids AND They were there to support my DH and me

I don't vehemently expect it. I am surprised and saddened that my normally lovely parents' first reaction was not to think "what a horrible time for Callistone and her family, what a difficult day, what can we do to support them*. That would have been my first reaction, so I am surprised it was not theirs.

OP you're an adult. You shouldn't be relying on your parents for emotional support. It is your job to support your children, not theirs. Yabvvvu and incredibly selfish to even expect it.

I'm sorry. I forgot that when I turned 18 I suddenly because 100% emotionally reliant on just myself. I also must remember to have a go at my parents for letting their parents play an important role in my life as a child and emotionally supporting me then. That was very wrong of them. I'll make sure I don't make that mistake with my children and my parents Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 11:20

Death isn't to be feared or run away from. It is a natural part of life

I very much agree, which is why I want my 8yo to come to the funeral (they want to too), and to hopefully see other members of their family and their grandfather's friends saying goodbye and paying their respects.

OP posts:
Steenac72 · 18/12/2019 11:21

Very surprised by all the YABU.

If your friend or family member was devestated/upset and you knew this surely you would make an effort to be there for them? With a funeral of a loved one you KNOW that you friend/family member will be upset and having a tough day. Why wouldn’t you be there for them?

For my DH fathers funeral at least 20 of his friends all came to the funeral. I was so glad to see them all and I know my DH was even more so. I think the Irish way is the right way - support those you love when they’re having a hard time. Care for them - be there for them. It’s as simple as that. Nothing weird about it.

puptent · 18/12/2019 11:22

Another thought (because I do see where you're coming from, op) My mum died very unexpectedly and very suddenly. She wasn't ready to stop being a grandma but that's how it happened. She was a very kind and generous person and I know that the thought of her grandchildren still being 'grandma-d' at her funeral would have given her much comfort - as it did me.