To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

[Macaroni46]

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

I leave my phone in another room, but I couldn't cope with having to turn it on and off/change volume all the time.

You don’t have to. You set it to sleep and wake up at certain times with you. It’s done once in settings not every time. You can also allocate certain people where it will ring/message for them irrespective if it’s in sleep mode so those who you want to be able to do so can contact you in emergencies. Can be done on iPhone and android.

I message and email people at all hours 24/7 thinking that everyone uses this functionality. I also have friends that often work night shift, which I also used to do and you would use breaks to catch up on messages etc. Again, thinking everyone who doesn’t want to be disturbed would use this.

My DH has his set to ‘wake up’ at 7am. It’s hilarious, on the dot it lights up like a Xmas tree while all the notifications flow through.

I like how he thinks you should be grateful for him messaging you, no thanks! Have you met him in person yet?

Messaging someone at 4am is not unreasonable. Most people have their phone on silent at night. That was the title/question of your AIBU.

His constant messaging of you and the nature of it is the unreasonable bit. It is odd that that all the excessive compliments and flowery language did not put you off. Yet a message at 4am (which most people would have avoided till later), sent you into a rage. I can see why he was defensive when you lost your temper. His actual words though “you should be grateful” are a huge warning sign. It is good that you found out so early on what he is like.

Don't think it's unreasonable to message at that time as I'd expect someone to have their phone on silent, but he should have apologised when you said he'd woken you.

However, i don't think it's reasonable to continue messaging someone who's way over the top within a few hours of chatting. Clearly a weirdo.

YABU for not having your phone off, on silent or on Do Not Disturb at night.

What is wrong with some people?

YABU.
It’s your responsibility to put your phone on silent or on do not disturb.
But he also sounds like a massive weirdo and I’d block him

"YABU for not having your phone off, on silent or on Do Not Disturb at night.

What is wrong with some people"

What is wrong with expecting messages at normal times?
I don't have friends in very different time zones or who work nights so I just don't expect texts during unsociable hours. The only ones I've ever received in the middle of the night was by a drunken friend who was warned never to do it again.

Gwenhwyfar

You sound pleasant!
Absolutely your responsibility.
What if it was an email coming through? Would you message Apple marketing and ‘warm them’ not to spam you at 4am?

1. Put your phone on do not disturb. people can still get through in emergencies.
2. Block him. He is a Misogynistic nob head.
3. Read up on relationship behaviours. Even the initial messages, that you describe as flowery, were red flags.

"What if it was an email coming through? "

Emails on my phone don't make a noise as they don't need to be answered quickly.

He is going to be a scammer.

Is he in the military or a doctor working abroad?

Is he a widow?
Is he doing something top secret or can’t tell you where he actually is based?

Gwenhwyfar

Because you’ve set them to silent.
Neither do texts.... put them on silent as well!

Eugh he sounds like a creep! I would stop it now.

However, I think you’re overreacting to receiving a text at 4am as a PP above said - messages and emails are sent to be dealt with when the person who owns the phone wishes, not there and then! For example, I receive marketing emails throughout the night but I don’t get upset with the company who sent them as I don’t see them until I wake up and decide to catch up on calls/texts/emails.

Could you not put your phone on DND when sleeping? I use my phone for my alarm and I always set it to this before sleeping.

There is a clear divide of opinions on texting at night, but there is no question his reaction afterwards was not on. Be grateful he let you know who he was early on, and have nothing more to do with him!

"Because you’ve set them to silent."

No, my emails were always like that.

I don't need to set my texts to silent. I told the one person who texted me at night to stop in and no problem any more. Simples.

"in the country I'm from a woman......." that's a big fat NO .

Think about when and why you send texts. It's usually because you want to reach the person wherever they are.

No. What about all the automated texts that come through 24/7, like updates on shipping from online retailers, reminders for medical appointments, notifications from social media, etc. I turn my phone off at night. In the morning, when I switch it on again, there are usually several texts & emails from all kinds of people/organisations - that's exactly why I turn it off at night, so I don't get disturbed.

For me, a text is exactly the same as an email.

He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him. Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message

In the specific circumstances, run for the hills and when you get there keep running. He sounds controlling and creepy.

In general, it's not unreasonable to text in the middle of the night. I think sender can text at their own convenience, most people will have their phones on silent/do not disturb/off if they don't want to be woken up.

Who texts in an emergency anyway? Surely you phone.

Don't any of you have landlines?

Tbh, his reply is a red flag and I would drop contact with him, however, there is nothing unreasonable about messaging someone at 4am; if you don't want to be disturbed by your phone put it on DND lol

Also, if I were him I would actually find your angry response to his message a red flag also, and would probably stop contacting you. Makes you sound quite short-fused and controlling.

Why do you have your phone in your bedroom and not on silent???
You cant tell him it’s his fault imo that he woke you up. It’s your responsibility to ensure that you won’t get disturbed during the night. It’s not a landline!

On the other side, his answer is crap

Imo you are BOTH very unreasonnable but for different reasons

I was going to say YABU as you should have put your phone on DND but he sounds like a dick.

"Don't any of you have landlines?"

Lol. Landlines are for pensioners.

"Who texts in an emergency anyway? Surely you phone."

Same volume button for texts and calls for me.