To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

[Macaroni46]

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

I just assume everyone has their phone on silent at night, like a normal person.

Kind of sums up where the English are going wrong as a nation (not sure if the poster is English or even in England, but it nicely sums up the problem).

People are allowed to do things differently. They shouldn't then be derided as not 'normal' because they do something differently. Who made you the arbiter of normality? And who even decided being normal was that great anyway.

Most tech is designed to be multi-functional. You don't have to get stuck using it in particular ways. It's good to do things differently and think creatively.

It's not compulsory to use DND. Any automated texts I get arrive between about 8am and 8pm. It's almost as if people setting automated texts know it's better to send them out when people are more likely to be awake and less annoyed at being disturbed.

I just don't understand (barring a lack of a landline) why people justcan'tturn their phone OFF at night!
There are many reasons someone wont turn their phone off at night. You even cited one yourself SarahNade.🤣 I just dont understand why people just can't not text at ridiculous times.🤷‍♀️

So why are people so selfish they think they should dictate when businesses operate internationally. Turn the effing phone OFF if the 24/7 international community upsets you that much. ffs.

Eh? I don't care what businesses do. The ones sending me automated texts seem quite capable of sending them during sociable hours. Anyone I might do business with would be on a separate business mobile which would be off when I wasn't working. It's my personal mobile I'm talking about. As for dependency on it, that's what tends to happen with inventions. We haven't had cars that long - try telling people not to be dependent on them.

I mean whatever I'm doing with my phone seems to be working as it's 6 years old and I still use the original battery, which lasts about a week between charges.

@DioneTheDiabolist That is the one reason. There are no other reasons let alone 'many'.

I just dont understand why people just can't not text at ridiculous times.

Did bother to read my post? I said very clearly that not everyone is on the same timezone or knows your timezone. So we text when we can. Just as we email when we can. Expecting you to read it later.
Life doesn't revolve around your sleep.

There are plenty of other reasons SarahNade. Just because you lack the intelligence or imagination to come up.with them, doesnt mean they dont exist.

@DioneTheDiabolist If there were 'plenty of other reasons' you'd be able to list them. Even a few. It seems you are making things up on the spot.

RTFT Sarah, people have given plenty of reasons. Hmm, actually there seems to be a correlation between people who haven't RTFT and people who think it's acceptable to text a stupid hours.🤔

sounds a bit controlling to me, id get rid and block. he should respect you after youd said hed woken you he should of apologised, NOT the other way around.

I’d put money on it that within a week he’d have been making up sob stories and asking for a Western Union transfer . Sounds very similar to a documentary I watched recently about scammers . I bet he wasn’t in London either

Wow I never expected so many replies. One of the reasons I was so taken aback by the 4am text was the fact we'd only started messaging earlier that day!
It just kind of freaked me out, and made me question if he wasn't in London at all, as he claimed to be.
That along with the excessively flattering messages and volume of them, made me very suspicious and uncomfortable.
It was unusual for me not to have my phone on silent (I live alone and have no landline so I do like to have my phone next to my bed) but for some reason I'd forgotten to switch to silent that night.
I think his ensuing reaction was odd as were his texts the next day.
Anyway, he's been blocked and reported. I'm pretty sure he wasn't who he said was and was after money or a 'wife'. Definitely feel I've dodged a bullet!!

@Macaroni46

I am so glad you decided to swerve this guy, and yeah you DID dodge a bullet there!!!

You deserve better!

@StillCoughingandLaughing Well said! And that goes to a few others too, who said there are so many bloody rude, inconsiderate, entitled twonks. Making it the recipients fault for being disturbed, for 'not having their phone on silent' at 4am, is rude, entitled, and borderline narcissistic.

And SERIOUSLY, what the actual FUCK are you texting people at 4am for ANYWAY? As a pp said, if you know the person is not going to be up til after 7am (ya know like MOST people!) then why not just wait til then to bloody send it?

Oh and by the way, I have several sets of friends and relatives who live in different timezones. NZ, Eastern Canada, Uganda, USA, and Cambodia.

Yet they ALL have the intelligence, common courtesy, and consideration to message/ring/text at a time when they know we will be awake. JUST as I do with them

Shame some people on here don't have the same degree of emotional intelligence, maturity, common sense, and thought for someone other than themselves.

This 'I will do what the fuck I want, so deal with it' attitude from a few posters on here is revolting and ugly. As I said, you'd be blocked from my phone in the blink of an eye if you messaged ME at 4am. (Probably blocked from my life as well, as I have no time for people like you.)

SarahNade And I just don’t understand why you seem to think turning off your phone is better for the environment?

I use my phone as my alarm clock, so yes I do ‘need’ it. Sure I could just go out and buy an alarm clock, but why waste money when my phone already does that function perfectly well?

Even if I didn’t use it as an alarm clock, there’s no need for it to be on, no, but why would I go to the effort of turning it off before bed when that has no benefit whatsoever and it is more use to me on?

Sarah, plenty:

• having an elder relative who might experience falls and your phone is the emergency contact in their "alarm device"
• having caring responsibilities for someone not living in the same house who might need help
• having someone in hospital and wanting to pick up in case they call
• working on-call and having to get ready and go if they call
• having your child in a playdate and knowing they might call you if s/he is distressed
• forgetting to turn your phone to silent
• having family in another time zone and wanting to know if something happens

I'm sure there are more but these are the ones I've encountered in one way or another. It's not being slave to the phone, it's knowing I'm reachable if anything happens. I do have DND but with lots of exceptions. I don't expect everyone to have to go through the settings as I did, nor that they would have to. I never send messages in the middle of the night and I'm often awake, I do send scheduled messages for 8am onwards. I assume those of you not bothered by a 4am message would also not care if your neighbours wake you up at 6am at the weekend with music or gardening? They could as easily say that people should have earbuds if they don't want to be woken up by people having a life.

Being considerate takes no effort, it's very selfish and self-centred to blame the receiver or assume everyone's life habits are like yours (or that they should).

I don't see what's wrong with him messaging you late at night, my BF and I did when we first met, it was romantic, and we saw the messages when we saw them, in the morning. We still do this, actually.

It's this bit, though:

He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him

Wtf? Dump!

Mynameiswah but they had only been messaging each other for less than a day. It had just been a few hours. I think it's weird to message someone you've just met at that time AND get upset and ask for an apology when OP said he had woken her up and please not to do it.

He sounds controlling, manipulative and the type who would gaslight you at every turn . Run for the hills!

Total weirdo. YADNBU.

@CoffeeDeprivation I feel like if any of those things are a big issue for you, you can just get a landline...

@WatchingTheMoon

I feel like if any of those things are a big issue for you, you can just get a landline...

So, to ensure some arsehole doesn't wake her up because they can't possibly send a text during the day, °she^ should get a landline?

You dont text people at 4am - and especially not strangers - which is what op is to.him.

But I don't think he's in London, texting you at 4am. I think he's a (quite new and not v good at it) dating scammer who's got his time zones mixed up or not paid attention to them.

He's also a new/shitty scammer because he hasn't got a hold of his temper & arrogance yet - in order not to kick off at women he's trying to scam. Good ones will always be calm, charming, calculating etc.

Flowery language, his supposed circumstances, and the 4am contact .... All sound like dating scammer based elsewhere to me.

He also generally sounds unhinged with the warrior/queen etc comment.

Might be worth looking into common old scams op, so as to immediately recognise these guys and not reply to first contact.

I know you think Ribrabrob was being harsh, and perhaps it was a message delivered a little directly, but given your previous experience with DV/abuse etc (me too) it takes a while to work out where boundaries need to be.

OLD for me was a series of lessons, each of them was hard to learn at the time, but eventually all that experience pays off.

You have learned something really important in all this, that your instincts are there trying to help you navigate all this shit, and now you’ll see any bullshit coming from the distance and skilfully dodge it before you even engage.

You’ve done well in all this, you survived a scam attempt, you’re learning over time and all this experience will help keep you safe and prepare you for the person you are supposed to be with

((Hug))

You are both unreasonable!! Texting someone at 4 isn’t ‘disrespecting your boundaries’. If he did it then you told him don’t do that, and he did it several more times every morning then sure, that’s out of order. But this guy is clearly catfishing you anyway so it’s probably a lot later where he is in the world. Block and delete, then remember to put your phone on silent when you go to bed if you want total quiet.

The OP said that she normally does put her phone on silent, and for whatever reason forgot that night. Yes, it was a mistake on her part, but nevertheless it's ridiculous that so many posters are telling her that she was unreasonable to complain about being woken up by a post from a random stranger she had just started chatting with that day.

However you look at this, the man's response was horrible and she's dodged a bullet.