To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

[Macaroni46]

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

Redruby25 he said he was American with Norwegian heritage plus an Irish grandmother hence wanting to settle in the UK and 'find a British wife'.
And yes, he's well and truly blocked.

Totally agree MistyCloud

These days it's all Me, Me, Me. People are selfish and entitled.

It's just bad manners. If you wouldn't phone someone at 4am, what makes a text or a whatsapp message any different?!

Well done, OP.

On those who say it's ok to send a message at 4am and it's the receiver's fault for not having DND... There's something in most phones call delayed delivery that allows messages to be written now but sent automatically at a later time. When I write messages at 1am I choose the option to deliver at 8am, and it will be sent whilst I sleep. I don't see why everyone has to have the phone in silence, it does not suit everyone, particularly those with caring responsibilities or on call, but anyone typing at silly o'clock can choose the delayed delivery if they are awake at that time. It's not in the same place in all phones, but it often appears in the "more' settings, the "4 squares" icon in Samsung or the options menu (when composing a message), either as delayed delivery or schedule message. I do have DND but I ended up putting it up because of one single person who would message me at random hours whilst she was breastfeeding. I don't appreciate it and it makes me feel uneasy that if there's an emergency in the family I might not be aware. I don't understand why so many people put the onus on the person who is sleeping and not the person who is sending.

OP, if you do decide to do DND, you can choose to allow repeat calls within X minutes, as well as certain numbers.

Sounds like you came back at him pretty hard, so you can't complain too much about his later responses!

He can't win really. If this was a potential new relationship and he only messaged once a day you'd complain he was being lukewarm. Gets enthusiastic and he's accused of 'love-bombing'.

He's a fucking loon and probable scammer exaltedwombat. I'm glad he couldn't win with the OP. I hope he doesnt win with anyone else.

Please don’t have anything more to do with him. He is already trying to control you.

Sounds like you came back at him pretty hard, so you can't complain too much about his later responses!

What? His later responses also included a barrage of messages asking why she hasn’t taken down her online dating profile yet and talking as if they were already a couple when they’d only been messaging for ONE DAY.

If that’s not batshit territory I don’t know what is.

Has he asked you for money yet? 😈

These have to be some of the most insane responses I’ve ever read on MN - and Christ knows there’s plenty of competition. If someone starts messaging you at 4am, it’s no longer in any way THEIR fault for being inconsiderate - it’s YOURS for not having reset your phone to not ring for non-emergency contacts. Everyone should be programming their phones last thing at night just in case someone decides ‘Messages are sent at the convenience of the sender; therefore I shall exercise my right to send a message in the middle of the night because what I have to say is far too important for me to not send it immediately. It’s the receiver’s own fault if they have not put appropriate measures in place to prevent being disturbed’?

One poster actually accused the OP of ‘nullifying the benefits of asynchronous communication’. Someone actually thought that was a normal response to this issue and shared it on a public forum. Seriously, if that was you, reread it and, if you don’t feel ashamed of yourself, consider professional help.

Whatever happened to basic common sense and courtesy? If you’re sending messages at 4am assuming they won’t be seen until the sender wakes up and turns off their endless DND settings, why not go nuts and wait until they might be up to send the bloody thing? Who wants to read messages the second they wake up anyway? I can barely remember my own name when I’m reaching for the snooze button, never mind typing a coherent reply.

Just use a little bit of consideration. It won’t kill you.

Some people have no boundries, they think they are super important and that you will be delighted to hear from them in the middle of the night, he is one of them.Block anyone who texts in the middle of the night unless its an emergency

I really don't understand how it is that some people actually think that they're so important that they should be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want with no consideration of others. So when the other person is annoyed at having been woken up at stupid o'clock, instead of apologising, which is the only appropriate response here, they think it's the other person who is unreasonable for not putting the phone on silent.

Speaking as someone who has in the past struggled with insomnia, being woken up by a non urgent text

Just use a little bit of consideration. It won’t kill you.

How does that work with automated texts then? I have the sense to turn off my phone at night. Often when I turn it on in the morning, there will be a text or two from the NHS (appt reminder) or a bank (overdraft limit reached reminder), or an online retailer (parcel on it's way), or a text from a friend/relative abroad in a very different time zone?

Surely it's just easier if you don't want your sleep to be disturbed to just turn the bloody thing off, or set it to only accept calls from re-defined numbers? How difficult is it.

Take some responsibility for yourself.

lizzie I just assume everyone has their phone on silent at night, like a normal person.

Whatever happened to basic common sense and courtesy? If you’re sending messages at 4am assuming they won’t be seen until the sender wakes up and turns off their endless DND settings, why not go nuts and wait until they might be up to send the bloody thing? Who wants to read messages the second they wake up anyway? I can barely remember my own name when I’m reaching for the snooze button, never mind typing a coherent reply.

I totally agree with what you are saying but unfortunately there are a lot of selfish people around who do this so until they stop, if people don't want to be disturbed at night they should use the DND.
If I didn't have DND on I would be disturbed at 6.30 in the morning by people who think it is ok to ring someone at that time to discuss something to do with business (I'm in another country where people tend to start working a lot earlier).

Stay well away, it is not normal to message someone you hardly know at 4 am.If he is love-bombing you then he is a narcissist so stay well away. Have a good Christmas ❤️🎄

Posted too soon. I meant to say that I would be very annoyed at being woken up by a non urgent text. I was regularly still awake at 4am.

Thankfully, it's not like that for me anymore, but this man didn't know the OP, and for all he knew, she could be struggling with insomnia.

When I started my business from home 20 years ago, I needed a fax machine. A few times, various muppets decided to send faxes in the middle of the night, sometimes very long (50+ pages). I didn't go around accusing those people of being inconsiderate arseholes. I just did the common sense thing and took the phone plug out of the socket at night!

But why make the assumption at all? Unless it's an emergency, or the texter is in another time zone, there is no good reason to send texts at 4am.

"But why make the assumption at all?"

Because it's standard to have your phone on silent at night?

Maybe it's a generational thing.

I don't have my phone on silent. I had elderly family who may need us and have done in the past.

I'd just not expect someone to knowingly wake me up for nothing. Then I'd fall asleep again!

It used to be the case that phones were switched off at night, because they used to go flat more quickly. And more people only use mobiles so they need them switched on in case of emergencies (especially if they're carers).

I do have my phone on DND as it happens, but then I'm not a carer for elderly relatives.

But regardless of whether the OP should have put her phone on DND, her response to being woken up at 4am was understandable. I find it annoying enough when my MIL calls us before 8am on a Saturday morning, the earliest time was 7:30.

The man's response was really unpleasant however you look at it, saying that she should be grateful for his text at 4am.

How does that work with automated texts then? I have the sense to turn off my phone at night. Often when I turn it on in the morning, there will be a text or two from the NHS (appt reminder) or a bank (overdraft limit reached reminder), or an online retailer (parcel on it's way), or a text from a friend/relative abroad in a very different time zone? Surely it's just easier if you don't want your sleep to be disturbed to just turn the bloody thing off, or set it to only accept calls from re-defined numbers? How difficult is it.
Take some responsibility for yourself.

This is so ridiculous. Is expecting people to use common sense really that odd? Why am I the only one who has to ‘take responsibility for myself’ - why can’t other people also take responsibility for themselves and not send texts at stupid times, knowing it may annoy the recipient? Presumably if you’re contacting someone it’s because you like communicating with them - why do something that could actively annoy them?

Automated texts are just that - automated. It can’t be helped and is pretty rare; I don’t think I’ve ever had one in the middle of the night. We’re talking about real people actively choosing to do this.

If you’re texting a friend or relative in another time zone, surely you know they’re in another time zone? Even if they’re in Australia, they could text at 9pm knowing you’re likely to be up at 9am. It’s not that hard to be considerate.

If you’re texting a friend or relative in another time zone, surely you know they’re in another time zone? Even if they’re in Australia, they could text at 9pm knowing you’re likely to be up at 9am. It’s not that hard to be considerate.

But it's easy to get time differences wrong, for example thinking that the US time is ahead of us instead of behind.

What is annoying is when someone seems to refuse to get it. My MIL was hopeless with this. When DH and I were on holiday in Australia, she called us in the middle of the night several times, disturbing our hosts. That was embarrassing and the next time we had a holiday in a different time zone, we didn't give her the number of where we were staying.

I just told my DH about this as he suffers from insomnia and always has his phone on silent at night. His response to where I'm from a woman would be happy comment was "where I'm from, you'd get a punch in the face" (he's not violent in the slightest)
Best idea to have blocked him OP, asking why you hadn't deleted your dating account is just wayyyy too obsessive and strange behaviour for someone you don't even know!! You were right to be annoyed by the 4am text, there was no need for it whatsoever and again seems obsessive!!
I hope you find a wonderful guy!!

I just don't understand (barring a lack of a landline) why people just can't turn their phone OFF at night! This thread really demonstrates how people are indeed, slaves to their mobile. Trying to unscramble the egg, as it were, is like pulling hen's teeth. FFS coped with not having a mobile in their room before they came into being in the '90s, not all that long ago. Have we really become so helpless and so addicted since then?

We are in a world now where there are no barriers to communicate instantly and internationally. For friends, or overseas trading. The business world works 24/7. You cannot expect people in another country to know the exact time it is in your state, in your country, in your part of the world at any and every single occasion. The international business world operates 24/7, regardless of your timezone or when you sleep. You CANNOT expect people to wait until their bed time or until later at night (9pm) just to text you, then you go to bed, and the person can't reply until you wake up (and hence, it's now late for them). Do we get upset when we see someone has emailed us at 1am on the timestamp of the email that we read in the office at 9am that morning? No. So why are people so selfish they think they should dictate when businesses operate internationally. Turn the effing phone OFF if the 24/7 international community upsets you that much. ffs.