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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 18/12/2019 11:24

IMO you were rude and unprofessional.

Unprofessional? How bloody ridiculous. 🙄

Littlebean0506 · 18/12/2019 11:25

Can I just point out that a normal person would surely have bought a return ticket or day rider which would have been cheaper, if she just bought a single and then complained about not having enough money it sounds like it was her plan all a longbow to get you to give her lift. I don't think you where in the wrong at telling her to just ask you are all adults however I can see why it might be a bit embarrassing as other people where within earshot. Don't beat yourself up too much over it, it sounds like you're having a difficult time at the moment which is allowed.

Bunnybaubles · 18/12/2019 11:49

On every thread there is that one poster.

Today the award goes to... @DoTheHop 😂

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 11:58

You could have been the bigger person and just offered a lift OP.
OP did. There is nothing wrong with feeling aggrieved that someone won't ask directly, & is manipulating you into taking responsibility for deciphering & responding to their desires. There is nothing wrong with saying so.

How hard would that have been?
Exactly as hard & irritating it has been for the past couple of years.
The only difference is - this time OP's control of that irritation slipped.

Yes, she sounds a bit annoying, but you also seem to have taken pleasure out of making her feel uncomfortable, which isn't a very nice thing to do.
I can't see where the OP is displaying any pleasure in having finally lost her rag - on the contrary, she seems embarrassed & is looking to make (unnecessary imo) amends.

Conversely, @NewName73, you have skated very selectively over the the long sorry tale where Hinter has made OP feel uncomfortable for TWO YEARS.
It seems to be OK with you that the Hinter has no need to be the "bigger person" by taking responsibility for her own actions & wishes, & has a perfect right to make other people uncomfortable with her manipulative behaviour.
But not OK for the Hinter to ever be called to account or made uncomfortable by being told that her behaviour are making another person uncomfortable? - Bonkers.

The only thing the OP got sightly wrong was raising her voice.
Her words were well chosen & polite. Just louder than they would have been if OP had managed to keep her cool - as she has for 2 years in the teeth of great provocation.
She didn't even shout, despite a couple of PPs twisting themselves into knots trying to believe so.

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 12:05

But I do think some people are being unnecessarily harsh about the motives of those who hint.

There's hinting - & there's drooling like a sad-eyed labrador over somebody else's lunch for 2 years. Plus all the emotional blackmail, blagging, & 'poor little me' statements - from a grown woman in the workplace, FFS.

Frankly, I'm amazed the whole staffroom didn't rise up in grateful applause at OP's well-worded 'snapping'.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 12:19

Mmm.. I really like Jaffa cakes 🥺

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 12:19

Or you could try sighing and saying you are short of cash because you have no maintenance this month and looking at her purse with longing eyes. No, of course you wouldn't.

Grin Grin Grin @ElsieMc.

PS Elsie I am hard of thinking. I WISH I had someone who would do the hard bits of Braining for me. If only I had a nice message in my inbox every day, giving me pithy bon mots & instructional texts for the day so I wouldn't have to Do Thinking for 43 painful minutes every single day even though I am not very good at Thinking so other people should do it for me. Oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter. I expect I'll manage. It just means I'll have to have a headache tablet to help me with the Brainwork. Oh no! I haven't got any headache tablets. I wish I had a headache tablet. If only the headache tablet shop wasn't so far away, or someone Clever had a tablet in her bag. Still, I expect it's a lot of trouble to walk all the way to the bag 5 feet away on that chair, so I mustn't be a bother about it. Oh my head really, really, hurts now. If ONLY I knew what to do about it!

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 12:19

Not placemarking at all 🤔

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 12:21

This person would never have been a friend because I find hinting manipulative, immature, PA bullshit and can't abide it. You give her parts of your lunch, FFS!

You are a people pleaser.

And I agree 100% with this: 'She's not a friend, she's a blagger'.

I'd start cutting her a wider berth and ignoring all her fucking hints. She needs to grow the fuck up.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/12/2019 12:25

If you have apologised to her, fair enough but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be apologising to her. Or perhaps, apologise for being loud in the staff room when you spoke to her yesterday but not for what you said.
She sounds helpless.
She doesn't have enough money for bus fare? She has to find some herself. She has to be able to stand on her own two feet.
She is hungry after lunch? She has to bring in more lunch for herself.

If you decide to offer her a biscuit then it shouldn't be seen to be topping up her lunch but as an afternoon treat.
If you decide to offer her a lift it should be seen as a nice to receive and not a de-facto method of transport to/from work for her.

I'm 100% behind what @messolini9 posted where they stated "Frankly, I'm amazed the whole staffroom didn't rise up in grateful applause at OP's well-worded 'snapping'."

64sNewName · 18/12/2019 12:29

Hinters are horrible. I think it’s really rude.

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 12:31

Not placemarking at all 🤔

@HanginWithMyGnomies, have you learned NOTHING from this thread?
You have simply no need to embarrass yourself doing your OWN placemarking. The very idea! All you need do is whinge a little that you don't know how to do it, & presto! eventually someone kind will take the task on for you.

Brew Cake

StormTreader · 18/12/2019 12:45

"Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything."

"Oh dear, that does sound rubbish, it's cold too! Is there someone you could ask for a lift?"

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 13:17

@messolini9 I can’t belive you called me out on a board full of strangers! Wait now while I get my friend to text you to tell you how awful you are 😂

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 13:28

@Hangin - hold on a moment. I need to get in some Display Crying first, just in case your friend has trouble understanding that her call is Upsetting To Me, & that my feelings are far more important & complex than yours ...

Fouroutoffour · 18/12/2019 13:39

Haven't rtft, but @NoSquirrels as a teacher, can I thank you? You'd be surprised how many kids just give statements and I expect help. "Miss, I need help!" Is not a question! Does my head inAngry

MamaWeasel · 18/12/2019 14:14

I liiiiike jaffa cakes..........

cstaff · 18/12/2019 14:14

Your colleague really needs to grow the fuck up and ask the question direct like any normal person. This hinting bullshit and expecting you to pick up on it and offer whatever she wants - a biscuit, a lift, to wipe her arse, or whatever is so childish.

If you feel the need to, you can maybe apologise for being a bit rude but tbh I am not sure that I would because she is the reason that you ended up being rude in the first place. I would give up trying to guess what she wants and if she asks directly - if you want to say yes - fine, but if you want to say no - also fine.

I couldn't be dealing with this crap on a daily basis.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 18/12/2019 15:05

@messolini9 I like the look of that onion 🤔

BlaueLagune · 18/12/2019 15:12

Frankly, I'm amazed the whole staffroom didn't rise up in grateful applause at OP's well-worded 'snapping'

This.

Likefootball · 18/12/2019 15:17

She should n 't expect you to give her a lift, she should understand that you are not her chauffeur.

mbosnz · 18/12/2019 15:20

My mother is a serial hinter. We thought it was unconscious, until she let slip one day that it's a little game she plays, to see if she can get a person to offer what she wants, without having to outright ask.

Since that day, we've had wonderful fun, refusing to get any 'hints', and requiring her to ask outright if she wants something from us!

Andylion · 18/12/2019 15:47

My mother is a serial hinter. We thought it was unconscious, until she let slip one day that it's a little game she plays, to see if she can get a person to offer what she wants, without having to outright ask.

This is why the friend would irritate me. She wants things the OP has, but doesn't want to ask for them in case she seems greedy or cheeky. Hinting until the OP offers her whatever she is angling for keeps the accusations of greediness/cheekiness at bay while still getting what she wants.

mbosnz · 18/12/2019 15:49

You really can have a lot of fun with it, once you click to what they're doing. The look of increasing frustration as you respond with complete and utter lack of awareness of what they are wanting you to offer is absolutely priceless! Poor Mum. We shouldn't have toyed with her like that. . . she's a lot better at straight up asking now, though!

NotSorry · 18/12/2019 15:57

My mother is a serial hinter. We thought it was unconscious, until she let slip one day that it's a little game she plays, to see if she can get a person to offer what she wants, without having to outright ask

someone did this to me - she laughed and outright admitted that she knew I would bite and offer to help

We are no longer friends

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