Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

I suppose there have been occasions when I've thought that hinting is preferable as the person can ignore it.

But ask directly & they might not say no even if they want to.

She is greedy and entitled op and very annoying. I would go along with other posters in that say sorry for snapping but wish she would just ask in future. However, it has exposed another side to her. You have been kind giving her your lunch (does she share) and giving lifts and then she still plays the injured party to other colleagues. Time to keep your distance.

Or you could try sighing and saying you are short of cash because you have no maintenance this month and looking at her purse with longing eyes. No, of course you wouldn't.

Yeah I would not like someone to ask, directly or indirectly, for any of my lunch at work. I'd be angry at anyone who did so and I would still feel manipulated because it would put me in the awkward position of having to say no because of their poor social skills - or saying yes which would be worse. Also I'd expect an adult to suck up having to get the bus for one day tbh unless I was going exactly the route they lived on or we were close enough for me to have offered as soon as she mentioned the car not starting.

@ChristmasCroissant yes it is a request but it is a request put in a way that is less confrontational for both parties. It is rude to keep hinting over and over but doing it once is a way to ask for a favour if you want to give the other person a way to say no without coming across as confrontanial or putting them in a position where they feel like they need to say yes. Maybe it is my own inability to say no to a direct request I feel like it is fairer on the other person. It is rude to hint over and over though

I also find hinting very irritating. But by responding to the hinter you give them what they want and they learn it works. So ignore the hints - don't give her your lunch (who looks at other people's lunch anyway!) and don't offer lifts just because she's got a hang dog expression. I'd be distancing and not responding to her hints at all. If you get really sick of it and she persists then block her so she stops. She's looking at your Jaffa cakes? Respond "Yeah only 99p in Aldi" or whatever. She wants a lift "Sorry, I'm in the other direction tonight". Hinters often turn into CFs in my view.

YANBU. How annoying! I can't stand hinting.

Hate professional hinters, they piss me right off.

I don't think that a 43 minute walk is particularly unreasonable for a fit adult.

Love hinters personally. I don't have to go through the pain of declining. One of my friends is a major hinter, I've declined loads of lifts, babysitting and money loans due to her never ending hints and lack of actual requests. Works for me.

My Dad recently polished my silver cream jug for me. I then said "It's a shame the teapot isn't as shiny now. I can just hide it under a teacosy though". He said, "If you want me to clean the teapot, why don't you just ask me to clean the teapot instead of trying to manipulate me into it? I'll gladly do it for you". That told me. So I asked him, and he cleaned it, and I learned that people who want to do me a favour would rather be asked outright than be hinted at.

If you want to help, insist that she asks you. If you don't want to help, then don't give in to the hints.

Also, you should apologise for being snappy but if I were you I'd explain why - ie because hinting is manipulative, and you regard her as a friend and therefore would like her to do you the courtesy of being upfront with you. On the way home this evening in the car is the perfect time for such a conversation to take place.

She sounds extremely childish. Whinging to another colleague that you 'had a go at her' and that colleague talking to you. All. Dry passive aggressive. Are you all very young?

I hate this my mum does it the time then acts wounded when I get cross.
I don’t like being manipulated, if you want something ask.
It’s petty but I’ve taken to pretending I don’t understand my mums hints because otherwise I don’t think she’d ever stop.

De Hop where are you getting 'holy show' and 'disgrace' and 'unprofessional' from? You seem to have, well let's call it a lively imagination and a high appetite for drama. What fun you must be for your colleagues too.

My god she's so childish I don't blame you! they make these type of characters on comedy shows on purpose to show you the recipient tearing their hair out, and eventually snapping.

My SEVEN year old used to do this on purpose - staring at my biscuit/orange/slice of bread after just eating a huge plate full - "I'm soooooo hungry" in a whining voice, glaring at the food. I began by asking him to stop and go and amuse himself elsewhere, and then snapped at him a couple of times. He catches himself before he does it now and asks politely instead - to which he might get a piece of orange.

OMG you have way more patience than me.

OK, so maybe having a go in public wasn't right, but seriously? A 43 minute walk home? WTF? Unless she is very unfit or disabled, I can't see why she would need a lift.

Shy bairn gets no cake.

You want it, you ask. You can ask politely, it doesn't have to be a demand, but for the love of all that's holy don't pussyfoot around, it's ike nails down a blackboard.

Never feel guilty when you aren't the one being a twat OP.

Hinting is massively irritating and now she knows you won't put up with it. Don't give it another thought.

I don't think that a 43 minute walk is particularly unreasonable for a fit adult.

It's not at all. Even for an unfit one (unless other health issues). I don't drive and I love my walks. I'd much rather have the exercise/time to myself than begging in the most annoying way to be taxied.

So having confessed to being a sometime hinter, I agree that after huffing & puffing about the car & bus that was enough hinting & it should have stopped then.

This is an example of something that would feel (to me) too big to ask for-a lift home when it's not a long walk & the driver wouldn't be going exactly my way.

So I guess I might have hinted the once.

Sorry!

Oh aren't they annoying this type of people! I don't think she is an arse or something, she just has unresolved issues or complexes that she needs to sort out. You definitely don't need to apologise, just be friendly when saying it's ok to ask and that if you prefer it, and then start ignoring hints saying "well, if you need something, just ask, otherwise, I don't get it".
If you won't ignore her hints, you will be involved in her neurotic game. Your choice if you need it.

Please don't apologise. You really don't need to. If you start apologising and making excuses as to why you snapped she will see you as a push over and just continue her head wrecking hinting. Just ignore the fact it happened. She was ok to take a lift from you yesterday so she can't have been that upset. And ignore all further hinting. Never share your food, don't bring more biscuits than you will need for yourself and if she's hinting for a lift tell her you're not going home. She sounds a right pain in the arse.

YANBU. I hate it when people do that. I'm mildly autistic and have lost count of the times people have expressed disappointment to me after the event because I didn't respond to their hints. I don't like puzzles. Spit it out or shut up.

@ Drum2018 Couldn't of put it better myself, it would put me off having lunch each day, in fact I would go sit in the car and listen to the radio.

You're mad to apologise.
She should apologise to you, the cheeky mare.

If you knew what she was hinting at from the start, why not put her out of her misery and say, 'hey, I'll give you a lift'. But no, you left her hinting and then disgraced her in front of her colleagues.... Nice...

Sure, because in the grown-up world of professional working environments, the onus is on the person being hinted at to pick up on subtext & take 100% responsibility for the Hinter's wishes. No matter how irritating, childish, pathetic & snide the Hinter is being, no matter how many years the wretched hints keep coming.

And there was NO disgrace on the OP's part.
Her response was mild, given the years of constant provocation - factual & to the point.
The only disgrace belongs to the Hinter, who - not content with passive-aggressive lift-obtaining, decided to run blubbing & squealing to the nearest available colleague, so that said colleague could flying monkey to OP.

Because guess what - Hinter is too emotionally dishonest to even tell people directly that she is upset FFS. She has to run hinting to someone else, & manipulate them into doing her dirty work - ramping up the entirely unnecessary drama Hinter has created even further.

But @DoTheHop, you still haven't given us your opinion about Hinter - or why you are reserving all your ire for the OP, the person kind enough to give lifts & jaffa cakes to undeserving emotional blackmailers?