Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

Maybe next time she says she’s hungry, point her in the direction of the cafeteria, nearby coffee shop, MacDonald’s etc. Start calling her out.

[grin'
I like the look of that onion

Superb, @HanginWithMyGnomies xx

STOP EYEING THAT YOU DROOLING HOUND

😂😂😂😂

My mother is a serial hinter. We thought it was unconscious, until she let slip one day that it's a little game she plays, to see if she can get a person to offer what she wants, without having to outright ask

And there we have it! The reason behind most hinters' efforts. I do agree some hinters have been raised to carefully ask by hinting, but most haven't

As someone else said, it's a method of getting what you want in a way that means you wriggle out of offering anything back. I listen to hinters, then decide if I want to play along before offering what they are "asking" for.

I also find it interesting that if I ask hinters for something, they say no far more often that they ever say yes. This confirms my thoughts that most are just a variation on the bold as brass CFs that we see on here.

Oh God - I've just ended a "fridndship" with someone who is a massive hinter. I didn't notice it for ages, but when I did I got really resentful that I was being a fucking mug. I stopped offering. She carried on hinting. It was excruciating. She sometimes then asked. I started to say "I'll let you know" or just "no". I got tired of being used.

There are so many other passive aggressive & manipulative character traits that seemed to show up when I started noticing. I just got sick of it. Manipulative as fuck. And a real victim mentality.

@BlueSwathesChoose, if you don't mind walking yourself, offer to park up at colleague's house and walk in to work with her to keep her company. And save yourself £5 a day parking.

Now that is not a bad idea Muddling!

It won't work on school run days but definitely could work in the holidays.

Hmmmm...... thinking outside the box.....

(Mind you, I think she does want someone else to do the heavy lifting... no pun intended!)

I realize that to reasonable people ignoring hinters seems the right thing but it can be an even bigger problem if they have influence over you and punish you directly for failing to understand what they wanted from you or go round badmouthing you to friends, family, and co-workers because you failed them in their hour of need.
Some people don't even hint. They just look at you with big sad eyes and wait for you to figure out what they want.

Hi, just a small update.

I talked to friend/colleague yesterday at work. I can't remember word for word what I said, but it was basically that I'm sorry for snapping at her, that wasn't nice of me, but please could she take into consideration what I said, and also that I didn't really think it was necessary for her to involve another colleague.

Her reply 'well I didn't ask the other colleague to text you" and said that she was really upset I shouted at her and needed to vent apparently.

At this point I could tell other people were starting to listen in because word seems to have spread round the office about it all so I ended the conversation there because I don't want to become the office gossip. But basically her tone of voice the whole conversation was kind of whiney like she was playing the victim, and she didn't actually respond to my apology.

She managed to get a lift to and from work yesterday but not from me! She's managed to get someone else in the office to do it. Don't know if she actually asked her or if she doesn't mind the hinting.

No, other people will get sick of it as well in time. She's a pity me, I've had one attached to myself at one point. She'll probably milk it now.

Just stay professional.

I also find it interesting that if I ask hinters for something, they say no far more often that they ever say yes. This confirms my thoughts that most are just a variation on the bold as brass CFs that we see on here.

Completely agree!

Thanks for the update, OP-I wouldn’t worry, I doubt she’ll hint to you again and if she does, look quizzical (yet not snappy as you can be amused that you are NEVER going to do what she is trying to-not-ask) and day-I thought we’d been through this?!

She’s the loser here as she’ll get no more Jaffa cakes and no more lifts-the office will soon realise what’s going on.

Don’t cave at all though as then you’re rewarding her hints!

I just read back to what you said to her and it wasn’t even harsh-just truthful!

You say that you are good friends though. Does she do stuff for you? Does shout herself out for you? If you asked a favour, what would she say?

Oh a perpetual victim. Can't see past the end of her own nose by the sound if it. Just leave her to it but do stay cheerful and friendly with everyone else.

There's a risk with people like this that, as they rely on a 'cult following' to reflect their twisted self-image back to them, to validate and make it real, they will invest a lot of energy in manipulating other people onto their side - so now against you - as her self-image now depends on you being a nasty cow. Most other people aren't that interested or bothered, so will go along with whoever makes the most noise, for the sake of an easy life.

This is why you need to be actively nice, reasonable, inclusive and professional, so that people can see a real mismatch between her story and your behaviour.

People like her will always be the same. You did nothing wrong. OK, snapping wasn't ideal but you'd want to have the patience of a Saint to constantly keep a calm head with people like that. I think you handled it perfectly afterwards. But people like her will always play the victim. The whiny snivvely side of them is too strong. She whines and snivvels when she wants (someone to offer) something and she whines and snivvels.

The thing us others usually always see what you see too. They just haven't been as exposed to it. In time she will probably flit between friendships with everyone in the office as one by one people start avoiding her whining.

Dont apologise, if you do it will validate her sense of being 'wronged'. Just be as you are when you next see her and don't mention it. If she touches the subject ask her why she won't ask directly for things. She sounds highly annoying. I have worked with someone similar and would pointedly ignore her when behaving like this but then I am stubborn! Yanbu.

My lodger/friend was a hinter and I hated it!!

Her reply 'well I didn't ask the other colleague to text you

She didn’t ask but I bet she hinted!

It is never OK to take your frustration out on other people. Her hinting behaviour irritates you but you have never said anything about it. How is she supposed to know you hate it? You just seethe, which is just as immature as the hinting you so despise. If something bothers you about a friend's behaviour, state it in a calm way. Do not hold resentment and then explode one day when you are frustrated. I would never trust you again if you embarrassed me like that.

You owe your friend a categorical apology.

@bumfuzzled 😂

Your update shows this person's character. Give it time & distance, eventually she'll burn her way through everyone in the office.

You handled it well.

I am so petty if I were you I would bring biscuits every day and ignore all the hunting.

She's clearly an unapologetic user.

I remember working with a girl like that once. Her speciality was getting herself invited to after work drinks. She'd start by saying no but then start sighing, then talk about something awful that had happened to her and how she was so stressed/worried/sad etc and needed some fun in her life cos everything was awful blah blah blah.
We would end up begging her to come out with us and she'd make the whole night about her.

One day she started her routine again, so we all said 'nevermind, another time, see you tomorrow byeee' and legged it. She was livid.
One of the greatest joys of my life.

Well handled OP.....now step away!

Fucking he’ll she’d drive me insane, I hate this type of behaviour it’s so manipulative. You did well to have only just snapped now! Let her strop off now and don’t engage any further it’s her turn to take the fucking hint!!

Perfectly handled OP. Now just enjoy your own company in the car and your own Haifa cakes. Cheeky attention seeking bitch.

Jaffa cakes ffs