Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

Oh and I woudnt apologise either...cheeky cow she is getting a lift then moaning..fuck me it would be the last time. How two faced can you get? Flowers and a thank you for dropping me off would have been what I would have done not to slag you off....she is not a friend , just a blagger.

You don't have anything to apologise for!! She's sly and manipulative and getting her colleague to hint at getting an apology from you means she's won and will carry on with her stupid behaviour. Aarrgghh I hate PA hinters!

"sorry i was so loud in the staff room, next time I will be quieter when I talk to you"
"I am really hurt that after telling you it would be kinder of you to be direct with me, you have complained to someone else about me rather than complain to me, its as if you haven't taken anything I said on board"
"it is easier for me to treat you like I treat everyone else at work and home, if you ask me for help directly when I can I will, but I won't be manipulated by hints"

she is not a friend , just a blagger.

Yes!

You could have been the bigger person and just offered a lift OP.

How hard would that have been?

Yes, she sounds a bit annoying, but you also seem to have taken pleasure out of making her feel uncomfortable, which isn't a very nice thing to do.

We all snap from time to time so wouldn't worry too much, maybe apologise if you still feel bad about it. People who dither like that are annoying - if you want a biscuit or a lift, just ask!

I used to know someone who was like this. She would want lifts home or a lift to McDonalds after work but she would never ask me outright. She'd either hint very heavily about how hungry she was, how she was so tired and it was such a walk home, or moan to her boyfriend about how much she wanted a hamburger, etc. I was usually heading the way she wanted to go but after a couple of times of offering to take her I stopped because the hinting was so annoying!

Take those individual packets of Jaffa cakes today, and kick them all first!

I have Aspergers and hate hinters. All I hear is “statement” “statement” and thing I dont have to act on it. If your colleague had said “oh it’s going to take 45 minutes to walk home” I’d of regarded it as conversation rather than “I want a lift home” and probably replied “sometimes a walk can be invigorating” or something like that.

I try to interpret as best I can, but I’ve ended up getting into lots of trouble, Especially family even now because they’ve asked (no you gave a statement, not a question) and I’ve ignored.

Glad you told her to directly ask. I’d of accidentally let her walk.

It is very interesting to read what it is like from the other side. I don't often hint but I feel very uncomfortable asking for favours. I usually just end up trying to find a solution to cope myself even if it makes the job 10 times harder. If I do hint it is because I do feel bad for needing to aak a favour so want to be able to give the other person a away out of doing me that favour without feeling the pressure to say yes etc. I don't like to trouble others etc. I have no problem doing things for other people so it's not a case that I don't want to have tp return a favour but more of a case that it was drilled into me early on to never trouble other people with my problems etc and to do it myself unless it is absolutely impossible

In future just ignore her hints.

She sounds like an irritating sap who needed to be told. You snapped, it happens. Maybe you should of said it to her in private. She’ll get over it. And if she doesn’t, your Jaffa cakes will be safe from now on!

Ugh I'd have done the same. And I'd tell the other colleague that if your friend is upset with you then she can tell you herself. I had a friend like this, she'd send mutual friends over to try to get me to 'fix things', I would always say if friend wants to talk to me then I'd be delighted for her to approach me.

I wouldn't apologise either, the hinting would drive me absolutely spare. SHE was the one being rude! If I was feeling kind I might apologise for my tone, but make it clear that she has got to actually ask and stop the hinting.

I would apologise for snapping, as it was unprofessional and, erm, unbecoming. But! I would have to explain the reason for snapping so that she a.) understood why you were on the edge and snapped, and b.) might reconsider her PA manipulation techniques in the future.

Also. She’s an absolute dick for always eyeing up your lunch, not bringing enough herself, and for moaning about the cost of the bus but not concerning herself with your petrol costs. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, more like a selfish user.

@NewName73

I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

Is this the part where the OP is taking pleasure out of making her feel uncomfortable?

or perhaps it's this bit?

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty

or this bit?

This is where I was definitely BU

It's interesting that you've worked out the OP is taking pleasure out of making the woman feel uncomfortable, from her opening post and her subsequent post. Perhaps you are the hinter at OP's work.

When I've snapped a response I will later apologise for the delivery of what I said but that the message still stands.
You don't need to backtrack or justify why you snapped.

One of my sisters does this- it's manipulation so that you offer, which means she hasn't asked for a favour and therefore doesn't have to return it.

Don’t apologise just leave it. Serves her right. Hinting is foul.

For me I think that sometimes something feels too big an ask, so hinting & then getting an offer feels less demanding?

But it would be just the one hint!

I think apologising for snapping in front of others is more than enough.

For me I think that sometimes something feels too big an ask, so hinting & then getting an offer feels less demanding?

That's very manipulative though! Too big to ask for but not too big to hint for?! What's the difference - you know you'll look bad if you ask?

If I do hint it is because I do feel bad for needing to aak a favour so want to be able to give the other person a away out of doing me that favour without feeling the pressure to say yes etc.

That was me when I was younger. I thought they asking someone for something would make them feel they had to say yes but would inwardly resent it. So I hinted thinking that it gave them an out. It took me a long time to realise that I was overthinking it due to my own lack of confidence. I wasn't being manipulative. I was trying to be thoughtful and not put someone on the spot.

Of course now I know it's really annoying. But I do think some people are being unnecessarily harsh about the motives of those who hint.

@ChristmasCroissant some people feel as uncomfortable saying no. This gives the asker a way to offer a chance to reject the request without saying no

"I wasn't being manipulative. "

You weren't trying to be manipulative but you still end up being manipulative when you do that kind of thing.

I think it's pretty cheeky to ask for a biscuit or a lift unless you're actually close anyway, that's why it comes off so badly to me in the first place.

Don't feel bad about snapping. Even the most patient of people are granted their bad days.

I agree with you. It's so much easier when people are straight to the point and just ask rather than hinting.
It drives me round the bend too!

By ignoring it? Or hinting at a no?

But good to see that you recognise a hint as a request, redapple! It's still a request.