If you attend a parent-run playgroup but don’t volunteer, what makes you think you’re so special?

[asdapryce]

The group I chair is run by parent volunteers and will have to close after Easter unless the parents who attend week in, week out agree to go on the volunteer rota and help occasionally.

I don’t understand why they don’t. It’s a group for parents of multiples - we’ve all got 2+ babies and mostly other children too; we’re all tired; we’re all busy but we all benefit hugely from the support of the group yet literally no one has put their name forward to be on the committee after Easter and get involved in the week to week running of the group after Easter.

Not to mention the support we offer to expectant mothers of multiples in terms of running a talks with our local hospital and for all local twins+ parents through a large, active Facebook support group and a twins+ buy/sell/donate site.

What makes people happy to take take take and never give back? I’m genuinely interested.

Is this multiple choice scenarios? Keep going til you have a tah dah moment
School play I don’t assist,don’t sew,don’t set up.dont tidy up after the event either
I work FT in a demanding job.i don’t have the inclination or time to tidy up after school play

I work FT in a demanding job
hahaha

and no one else does? You still find time to be on MN like the rest of us (who work too btw )

i don’t have the inclination or time to tidy up after school play
so basically you do feel like you are special. We got that.

Making a toddler hang around partially supervised for 20 mins at both ends of an hour-and-a-half/2 hour long session is a big ask - it adds a large percentage to the total time of the outing and that extra is low-attention for the child, who might also be getting tired or hungry or bored by then. You are also committing the parent to stay until beyond the end even if they'd prefer to leave earlier if the child tantrums etc.

I used to volunteer for my local baby-group - by meeting up some evenings to do charity paperwork/grant applications with other parents and some biscuits. But I would not have been up for open/close duties at all!

@Pfefferkuchen, ah I see you arrived to cast aspersions
How.very charming
Friends,etc I am invested with and have mutual relationship. They don’t charge me £2.5 to attend a playgroup
Do I tidy up,yesif they want me to. Fortunately they articulate preferences & needs. They don’t have unspoken rules or notions of givers and takers

As host when I have people over I decline offers of tidy up. They’re my guests I can handle it.

Friends,etc I am invested with and have mutual relationship. They don’t charge me £2.5 to attend a playgroup

Of course, you would expect complete strangers to use their own money to pay for you to attend, hall, food and drink, craft. How dare they charging you.

This gets better and better!

@Pfefferkuchen, Really that’s just random critical words and a 😀
Please do carry on,I’m sure there’s more for you to cut & paste to make a spurious point from

Not really demonstrating a good community spirit to your children. DS always mucks in at events when they ask for helpers, but so do DH and I. Doesn’t matter whether you work FT or not.

I am merely replying to your post and quoting you so you can't accuse me of making things up 🤷

Mumsnetters all seem to have really difficult children.
Again, the playgroup my kids went to had parents who, once a half term or so, were on the rota to help. Their younger children were allowed to be there too. Oddly enough none of those younger kids caused a problem.

It seems like most people on this thread either have huge social anxiety, nightmare children, or commitments that happen to fall exactly straight before and straight after the sessions they attend.

In real life I don't find those things applies to many people at all.

All voluntarily organisations get by on an 80:20 rule (80% of the work done by 20% of the people). Problems happen when the 20% start getting tired of being taken for granted, and/or their workload goes over 80%.

Explicit, calm requests for help with discrete tasks that make it clear what you’re asking for can yield results. However, as someone who is a perennial volunteer, my experience is that once they clock I’m generally reliable, I get suckered into more and more until I collapse.

I’ve got much better boundaries these days and am a lot better about sticking to what I’m comfortable doing and resisting the passive-aggressive guilt trips to do more. But a lot of folk just fear being asked to come 15 minutes early once a month to help set up will slide into running the whole show within six months. Because that can and does happen.

Most school assemblies I have been to generally ask parents to pack away the chairs afterwards and most people oblige, even if they have work/childcare/other commitments afterwards.

Make an announcement that you need and expect X amount of time to be given per person otherwise it will close. That you will be drawing up a rota over the next couple of weeks. Don't give them a choice about 'helping', make it clear that each person who comes has to do, say, one session a month, whether they prefer to help in the kitchen, with acticities for the kids, with talks etc. If no preference is stated you will allocate one according to need.

@asdapryce I think the comments sum up the 4 categories people fall into 1. The people that have a lot going on and feel they can’t contribute 2. The misunderstanding of what the group is, they think they are paying (the small fee that barely covers the running of the group) and shouldn’t have to do anything else 3. The CF’s who really think their lives are the hardest and can’t be bothered (clearly everyone at a multiples plays group has at least 2 young children themselves! - everyone is busy/tired etc)

1. The people that understand if everyone helps out a little it’s fairer and things run more smoothly.

I think you are best being very clear about the expectations, whoever is attending helps set up and pack up - as the coordinator you will get the coffee/tea/ biscuits, organise craft activities and supplies, organise booking the hall and bookkeeping etc. but that you are not going to do all of the setting up and packing up on your own. If everyone helps it doesn’t take long.

And I love the excuses that pp have used that they have children to look after - so does the playgroup coordinator! If I set up and pack up on my own that’s an hour or more each end of the playgroup! If everyone helps out it’s only 10 mins on either side.

Ah shit.

The OP probably runs the group I attend, and I probably fall into category 3 in the above list as CF who thinks they are more knackered that others.
I’m gonna have to pull my finger out aren’t I?
In my defence my two are under five months old, and I have a three year old that I am karting around like an expensive destructive handbag, I am knackered. I don’t mean to think myself special but twins club is only time in the week where for two hours we are not special, I feel truly understood, and I can relax.

I’m not setting out toys, or making tea, but it gives me headspace to cope with the rest of the week.

Shit.!

I don't like to commit to them because I don't enjoy going, my mental health isn't always wonderful, and i don't want to feel obliged to go and serve biscuits when the last thing I want to do is see or talk to anyone. I can just able handle some of them when I don't have to engage on a meaningful level.

Have you advertised that you need extra help? I think for a lot of people they turn up, pay the £2.50 and never think to offer help beyond helping tidy the toys as they a) don't think any extra help is required or b) feel awkward asking to help as they are under the impression that everything is under control.

I do help to tidy up at the end when I do go though.

I am a perennial volunteer too funnel and I do understand the OP's feelings. I don't think I have ever volunteered anywhere where as many as 20% of the parents help though. One of the clubs I help at has around 120 parents associated with it but the committee of 8 only contains 4 current parents. Ad hoc requests for extra help when someone is on holiday or ill generally result in between 1 and, if we are very lucky, 4 offers of help. That is to do things like take the money and help clear up at the end of a session. We fully understand that not everyone has the time, skills or inclination to train as a coach, be a first aider or do the club accounts but surely nobody seriously believes that all 100+ parents are too ill, anxious or overcommitted to be able to sit behind a table and take a couple of pounds off people once every few months?
Largely I volunteer because I enjoy it, and if my children are there anyway I may as well help out, but there are some parents who test my patience. I am stuck in one of my roles against my will. I have resigned twice but nobody has come forwards and the role must filled for the club to continue. So I am guilt tripped into carrying on. However, my child will be too old for the club very soon and my goodwill will run out at that point. If other parents want the team to continue then someone is going to have to step up.
It is, of course, unreasonable to expect everyone to help with everything their child does. I also understand that some people genuinely can't help, but I do think plenty are just happy to let others do the work. The OP could have phrased things better, but I can understand why she feels frustrated.

I ran a group for seven years. People were aghast when I wound it up. They thought it my job to maintain the group despite no longer having a child of the correct age to benefit from it.

Many, despite having been regulars for years, said they couldn’t commit to helping out with the tidying or doing a stint making toast.

So we closed up. Donated all the toys to alternative playgroups, gave the plates/cups to the local EFL mum’s group, donated the scant funds in the donations kitty to the church that had hosted us for free for seven years.

The main emotion from people wasn’t regret or sadness, it was resentment. That was a very bitter pill to swallow if I’m being honest.

So if nobody is willing to pitch in, absolutely close. It sucks, but there comes a point where you feel taken for granted and it’s really not worth the bad feeling.

@Isawthathaggis I don’t think anyone would want parents to feel bad. I have found the multiples playgroup a godsend as well. It’s great to meet other parents who are going through the same thing and get it. I think it’s more of if everyone pitches in when they go it doesn’t take long.

At my playgroup I wouldn’t think badly of anyone who had to settle their kids or get them home quickly. It’s just when it’s the same people coming each week and they never help it’s a bit unfair. I’m very happy to volunteer and do the behind the scenes things, but I’m also tired, a single parent with solo care, work and children that still wake up every night. If I do all the setting up and packing up on my own it turns a nice activity for me and my children into a not so fun thing.

I literally couldn’t commit to helping. Disability, chronic illness, chronic pain. All invisible as I hide it to the best of my ability. I go out very little yet am far better than I was when my dd was little. By age 3 dd was in nursery 3 days a week as I couldn’t look after her, dh did pretty much everything in the evening and weekends and my friend looked after us 1 1/2 days, homestart lady came about every other week. It was so bloody hard. I often struggled to feed her and she used to feed herself part of the time. As a result she ate a lot of yoghurt and easy stuff from the fridge and this really screwed with her eating habits.

When I felt well enough I would attend homestart and sometimes a playgroup. On better days I would help to clear up... I don’t understand the bugger off types and definitely would have helped more if I could. I remember instances, where I helped dd paint or with play doh, which was a massive struggle and the mums sat around chatting, ignoring their kids, who expected help from me. People, who put nothing into these groups often also think their £2 is paid childcare....

Funnily enough just had a panicked call out email from school no one has volunteered to serve the mulled wine and mince pies tonight at large event attended by 200 odd adults. Funds raised from this pays for coaches for event most of our kids going to. Pta downed tools they’re not doing it. I did it last year guess will have to again

This thread has been a real insight into how self-absorbed and entitled some people really are.

On both sides I think Over. I did years of volunteering - national bf counselling line, through work, in schools, school governor before I had kids, running a toddler group, PTA committee

But now I do nothing because there are pressures in my life I can’t manage already, without adding more.

I’m sure people judge me, but I always tried not to judge others when I was volunteering and would hope others would take the ale view now I don’t help.

Take the same view