To be upset that he Lied to me about Christmas gift

[nosleepisevident]

This is going to sound very petty but I'm furious. The last couple of months has been tight in regards to money with 3 out of 4 birthdays in an 8 week period before christmas and 2 emergency dentist appointments. I've got about £11 until Friday. I knew that DP had some more money as we'd done the finances (ha) a couple of weeks ago. And asked to borrow some a couple of days ago, he said he did not and when I asked him where the money had gone he said he's bought me w Christmas present. I left it and told him that it was silly to do so before Christmas and should've waited until payday. He made me promise not to open the gift so of course I said I wouldn't. Said present has just arrived 3 days later and is in v think packaging. It's obviously a PS4 game that he's bought for himself I even compared sizes from his other games and it's from cex. It wouldn't be for me as I have 0 interest in games. I'm furious the he's lied to my face am I over reacting

You’ve recognised that he manipulates you (“he switches on the charm”, etc) and that’s a big step. Keep that in your mind whenever you talk to him, eg is he really upset or is he just pretending to be because he doesn’t want to answer your questions?

He really does sound lazy and self-centred. The ‘spending all the money’ bit when you used to pool it is immature and selfish too. This lie is another example of him happily indulging himself and not giving a sh*t about you.

You deserve better.

@LoonyLunaLoo - he doesn't do a seven day week as his in-laws look after the kids Saturday and Sunday so he can lie in bed and cry. I'm very sceptical he has real depression having had a lot of experience of people with depression and all of them managed to be a parent and actually look after their kids.

@ReanimatedSGB no he 100%has. I pick up his antidepressants every few weeks and helped him fill in all of his therapy documents. I don't doubt it

But what is he DOING about his depression OP - apart from using it as an excuse to not spend time with his kids every weekend?
Getting well from depression takes more than a prescription, getting someone else to fill in your therapy forms, & offloading all tasks one doesn't fancy (or feels genuinely incapable of) onto one's partner.

It takes meds, commitment to therapy & the outcomes of that therapy, & a great deal of effort on the part of the depressed person.

Where is that effort from him, what is he doing differently to combat his symptoms, when is he planning to re-engage with his kids at weekends, & what does he think about the extra load you are carrying - which is likely to cause YOU to lose function if you are expected to continue with it ad infinitum?

Also - everything @OoohTheStatsDontLie & @BitOfFun said on page 6.

If you take anything from this thread OP - please take those 2 posts, & start thinking about what you need to do to either change your DP's attitude, or change your situation.

Also, he is taking advantage of your parents, expecting them to give up every weekend to caring for his children while he lies in bed feeling sorry for himself. I expect they do it because they love you and their grandchildren. But he really is being a CF.

As others have said, he needs to start working with his doctor or therapist, making some effort to tackle the depression. He needs to do this for his own sake, because the way he is behaving is unhealthy. And he certainly needs to do it for you, the children and everyone else who is supporting him.

Return the package, tell him that you’re sorry he’s depressed but it’s no excuse for being selfish and lying and start making him parent his own children for at least a few hours at the weekend.
Bet he sits on his game all weekend.

Had a nice phone call, explained everything to him, of course instant denial, then when he couldn't say anything else hung up

Oh god, I have just read your last comment, OP. "My Nan commit suicide about 18months ago and I was the last person she tried to contact before she did."

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. No wonder you feel so bad. You are a kind and loving person and you feel guilty for things that aren't your fault.

You are not in the least guilty, and I'm sure it's the last thing your poor Nan would have wanted you to feel. But that was a traumatic shock for you. I'm trying to control my anger at your CF partner for being such a bloody burden on you, when you need some love and support.

OP, I never talk about this, but I wasted several years of my life with a man I never intended to live with. He told me early on that he had made a couple of suicide attempts in the past when relationships had broken down.

He was very difficult and demanding, but also very needy. He always broke down when I tried to end the relationship, and I always gave in. This went on for several miserable years, till I had a life-threatening illness and suddenly thought If I survive, I'm not going to live like this any more!

I ended the relationship, survived the illness, he didn't kill himself and I have never looked back.

OP, he wasn't my responsibility. Your partner isn't your responsibility. Your children and your health are your responsibility.

I hope you are able to do whatever you need to protect yourself and your children. You have given so much to this man, who will go on taking till you are completely worn out. Please be kind to yourself now.

Sending you love and sympathy.

Your income should be shared. He’s financially abusive

I don't really ask him for more [money] than that as he gets a mood on.

So he financially abuses you using emotional blackmail. OP this whole situation is entirely unaccpetable. You can't allow his depression to destroy your life - you're working 7 days a week, with no break, bearing a greater financial burden, bearing a far greater housework burden, living in fear of his moods and fear of suicide.

This is not sustainable. You will wear yourself out. He is taking complete advantage of you. You deserve so much better OP. Good luck OP. x

He gets a mood on

Can you explain a little more what this actually means, OP? Is he verbally or physically abusive?

Or does he pack his bags and pretend he's going to leave?

Either way it isn't a good situation for you or your DC.

Aaaaw OP this is a very hard thing to have to get over -
My Nan commit suicide about 18months ago and I was the last person she tried to contact before she did. Since then I've been petrified of upsetting anyone or leaving things on bad terms, paired with his mental well-being I have become a doormat I admit it and I really don't know how to change it.

& yet here you are, miraculously not too depressed or anxious to be able to work or fulltime parent 7 days a week, while simultaneously enabling a DP who does not appear to be committed to recovery to take the piss out of you, his kids, & his parents.

You know that time you helped DP fill in his therapy forms?
Where are YOURS? - & would DP, either pre-depression or during, ever have helped YOU to access some much-needed therapy?

No? - thought not.

Please talk to your GP about getting a referral to some form of talking therapy alsongside your DH's - BUT SEPARATE TO IT. I am not suggesting couples counselling. I AM suggesting that you have far too much on your plate, it is not fair or sustainable, & you need an outlet that is just for YOU.

You are going to end up barking under the kitchen table if you continue with the amount of pressure you are currently managing. Don't do that to yourself, & don't allow DP's illness to position you into becoming/remaining a "doormat". Excuse me quoting your own word back to you there - it was certainly not designed to be cruel to you. Quite the reverse - you appear to be waking up to some not very nice revelations about the dynamic of your relationship - & some therapy just for you, to help you process e.g. Nan's suicide & your people-pleasing tendencies would be a good place to start.

As you learn more about how your own thinking patterns work, you will emerge from therapy far better able to know when to put your foot down & when to accommodate people - & have more confidence to do so.

Why are you paying 50% of the bills when you earn less? He should be paying more and you less so you pay the same proportion of your wages.

I don't think you appreciate just how hard you are working. Taking care of him and the children, the house and work.
You have an unbalanced relationship. You sound absolutely amazing. I'm just sorry he doesn't appreciate just what a trooper you are.
Depression is a hard condition to live with but doesn't mean he has a free pass on sharing his money and child care.
You have more issues to discuss than a Christmas gift.

Thank you for the last few comments, they're really lovely. He came home and he did exactly what I thought he would, minimalising everything. He said because I had said he could go and see his sister earlier in the month then it was fine for him to spend that money. Said because I had said I wasn't sure what I wanted for Christmas that's why he hadn't bought me anything. I misquoted a very minimal word in a sentence that I was quoting of him. I can't remember exactly what it was but think v minimal he said I was twisting everything he said . Didn't see a problem with lying to me in the slightest, Also just straight up said it wasn't a big deal and sent my friend who'd come over a bunch of abuse telling her to mind her business

Sorry to say but going from last update he doesn’t sound like a very nice man. Depression isn’t an excuse. I was never aware the financial side you are experiencing was considered financial abuse until now, my ex husband treated me like this and anything I needed had to come out of the £20 child benefit I was ‘allowed’ to keep. His earnings were for him only and it was almost like we were sofa surfing at his house. It made me so miserable in the end I despised his existence and we divorced. I got nothing because he had secret accounts and even now does cash in hand jobs so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. Don’t put yourself in the situation I was in, if youre struggling take it in your own hands, tell him you want to work full time and childcare and costs will be 50/50. The game situation is selfish and the start of things ime, my ex bought himself whatever he wanted too and once they think you will put up with it, it gets worse. I hope you have support and people to talk to irl

Get rid of this shit of a man.

There clearly is nothing to recommend him.

Can you move back to your parents?

He won't change. This is your life, unless you LTB.

Depression doesn't make you withhold money and treat your partner like a moron. He's a shit guy. Let him pack his bag and leave.

LTB.

Fucking arsehole.

So it’s your fault he lied about buying you a present?
And he hasn’t brought anything for you, he’s brought something for himself.
You misunderstood what he had said and you are overreacting.

Time to think about what positives he is bringing to your life OP.

It gets worse the more you make time to stop & think about it, doesn't it NoSleep?

Said because I had said I wasn't sure what I wanted for Christmas that's why he hadn't bought me anything.
Also said: "I have no money to lend you because I bought you a christmas present."
Dur. He's not a very good liar, is he?

I misquoted a very minimal word in a sentence that I was quoting of him. I can't remember exactly what it was but think v minimal he said I was twisting everything he said
OP, this is classic & comes, I am sorry to say, with a certain terrain of abuse territory.
I will give you an example:
Wife - "I am increasingly concerned about your drinking, you have not worked for 5 months & are not making any efforts to find work, & I think your low state & lack of confidence is down to your now alarming alcohol consumption. You've gone from a bottle of wine a night to a bottle or 2, with spirits on top - & you are fooling yourself by starting the spirits earlier & earlier in the day - you had a gin at 2pm yesterday FFS, I am really worried for you & fed up for me. We need finally face this & get your alcoholism dealt with."
Husband: "It was not 2pm it was 3pm! So you are wrong! WRONG! So I am obviously not an alkie, & you are just being a bitch!!!"

Depressingly familiar, much? It's a technique gaslighters use, to convince you that THEY are always in the right & anyone disagreeing is mad - or will soon feel that they are going mad, from trying to cope with all the DoubleThink their abuser is piling on them.
(google George Orwell for DoubleThink; also google Cognitive Dissonance)

Didn't see a problem with lying to me in the slightest, Also just straight up said it wasn't a big deal
Of course not.
HIS lies - no big deal at all.
YOU slip up on a minor detail in your frustration at trying to get through to him - big deal.
He is treating you with utter contempt.

and sent my friend who'd come over a bunch of abuse telling her to mind her business
Um - it IS her business. She cares for your welfare, & for a good friend - that's part of looking out for each other.
Your DP, however ... when did HE last look out for you?
He seems to have enough energy to get to work, to spend cash on whatever he fancies without recourse to his family's needs, to abuse all & sundry & lie to your face without compunction. All these are fairly high-energy actions ... less so the actions of someone suffering from depression.
Although he seems to be able to schedule that depression fairly conveniently to himself - when you are not available to manage the domestic load & childcare for him he is suddenly too depressed to function as a parent, & needs to offload his kids on his parents.

Odd that, innit?

Get rid of this wanker. He won't kill himself (though he will threaten to - either call the police or tell him to go right ahead). Men who love themselves this much never do.