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Original poster

To be upset that he Lied to me about Christmas gift

179 replies

nosleepisevident · 17/12/2019 11:59

This is going to sound very petty but I'm furious. The last couple of months has been tight in regards to money with 3 out of 4 birthdays in an 8 week period before christmas and 2 emergency dentist appointments. I've got about £11 until Friday. I knew that DP had some more money as we'd done the finances (ha) a couple of weeks ago. And asked to borrow some a couple of days ago, he said he did not and when I asked him where the money had gone he said he's bought me w Christmas present. I left it and told him that it was silly to do so before Christmas and should've waited until payday. He made me promise not to open the gift so of course I said I wouldn't. Said present has just arrived 3 days later and is in v think packaging. It's obviously a PS4 game that he's bought for himself I even compared sizes from his other games and it's from cex. It wouldn't be for me as I have 0 interest in games. I'm furious the he's lied to my face am I over reacting

OP posts:
goodluckhun · 17/12/2019 13:16

Looking after children is much harder than any job I know tbh so 5 days with them and then 2 working away is hard!

Twisique · 17/12/2019 13:17

You might find you are better off financially without him!

AdaColeman · 17/12/2019 13:21

He is taking advantage of you financially. He needs to be contributing more to the family pot.
Is he getting treatment for his depression? Does it only come on at the weekends when he might have to parent his children?

The lying to you about a present, when actually buying himself a game, at a time when you had no family money, shows how little he respects or values you. That's just the tip of the iceberg about what is wrong with your relationship though.

You need a serious think about your life & relationship and how it could be improved, then a discussion with him to plan what will be your next move.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/12/2019 13:22

I’d be annoyed too. It’s a silly lie - and manipulative too (“I’ve spent my money on you”)

But more importantly, why are you paying 50% of everything when you earn less than him? You should be paying a proportionate amount eg if he earns twice as much as you, he’d pay twice as much of the rent, etc.

Original poster
nosleepisevident · 17/12/2019 13:24

I know I've been avoiding the posts because I know it's unfair but he's had a bad depression and in all fairness is doing everything he needs to to get better and has stayed working but I've essentially had to become his full time carer and I feel so resentful which I know I shouldn't. I do everything for him and the kids from the moment they wake up until they go to bed all of the housework and cooking and gardening and I feel so resentful which I know I shouldn't as he just cries in bed and can barely stay awake so I've let him keep more money and help I t as much as I can and I feel so lonely and exhausted and guilty that I'm so angry but I thought he'd done something thoughtful to show his appreciation and he hasn't and I feel more sad and more alone.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 17/12/2019 13:36

If you didn't have kids, you'd be working full time. You have kids, so one of you has to work full time and one part time. You went part time, to save the whole family money. So why does he get to enjoy that extra money whilst you dont?

All money needs to go into one account. You pay all the bills, rent, food and savings. Then you split the rest. He only has that money because you're staying at home to save him childcare costs. Why should he have that?

TheMustressMhor · 17/12/2019 13:38

I feel so lonely and exhausted and guilty that I'm so angry

You have nothing to feel guilty about, OP.

He, on the other hand, has a good deal he ought to feel guilty about.

Why are you doing all the housework and childcare? Why are you letting him get away with this?

You're being worn into the ground and he ends up with much more money and a (very childish) present for himself.

I don't understand why grown men feel the need to play games anyway.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/12/2019 13:38

My DH has been depressed. At no time did he think he deserves more money because of that..
He's taking you for a mug. When are you supposed to get a break?
And no, you don't have 350 and 150 over. You have 500 over as a family.

amusedbush · 17/12/2019 13:40

I don't understand why grown men feel the need to play games anyway.

I'm a grown woman and I like to play games. DH also games.

However, it does not have any negative impact upon our finances/home life/quality time together. That's the key difference here.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/12/2019 13:40

I've essentially had to become his full time carer

No, you've essentially become his full time mother

Sagradafamiliar · 17/12/2019 13:40

What if you were depressed? What then? Seriously OP, this is all kinds of wrong. Re-evaluate the whole thing.

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 17/12/2019 13:43

Get a quote for childcare tell him he will have to foot 50 pc of that bill or not be a selfish twat - his choice.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/12/2019 13:44

We split bills and rent 50% each and he sends me money for half of food shop and electric and gas

So anything child related comes out of your salary only?

TheMustressMhor · 17/12/2019 13:47

I can see your point Amusedbush.

OP - you do need to re-evaluate things, and soon.

Your partner is getting away with a lot here. He does no housework or childcare and ends up with lots more money than you.

I would be raging over that. And the game for himself (which he lied about) would be the icing on the cake. In fact it seems to me that it is actually the icing on the cake. You've started to see what is really going on in this relationship.

I would honestly try to make a big change with the finances and also make this man do his share of the housework.

But you did say much earlier in the thread that he was likely to get into a bad mood if you asked for money. That is very worrying.

PersephoneandHades · 17/12/2019 13:50

@nosleepisevident Are you serious? You are in a very messy situation here, OP.

Please take everyone's advice and re-evaluate the way you and your partner use money. He works mon-fri and gets the weekend off and earns more than you, while you provide childcare mon-fri then work sat-sun while earning less and paying THE SAME amount towards bills/mortgage?

Do you not see how awful this situation is?

You don't seem to be acknowledging any of the comments that point this out, as far as I can see you are only replying to ones about the Christmas present. Please stand up for yourself, this isn't healthy.

Molly2016 · 17/12/2019 13:53

I was coming on to say your being mugged off OP and then I read your most recent update.
Feels like it’s time for a heart to heart. You can’t keep carrying everyone. You let him have extra funds to make him feel better and he lies to you about your Christmas present?
Sorry, but he doesn’t sound like a very nice person and depression or not is taking advantage of you.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 13:54

OP, depression doesn't mean he's unable to do his share of housework and childcare.

My ex had depression badly, he used it to drop doing anything. But he was always trying to get me to do everything since we met, and this was one of the reasons I left. He was perfectly capable of doing the housework and childcare, he just didn't want to.

Your descriptions of your OH are leaving me wondering what his good points are. The children are also his, so he can look after them at the weekends, and if you need to pay for any child care, that again is a joint responsibility.

PersephoneandHades · 17/12/2019 13:54

Just seen your update - even if he is depressed it's no excuse to keep money from his family to buy himself toys, or expect you to provide all the childcare and work and pay the same as him, that's madness.

This is clearly affecting your mental health, does he care about that? Or is it only his mental health that is important?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/12/2019 13:56

Oh I forgot to mention I told him before he bought the game that I'd need to borrow some money as I had none.

You've got a bizarre financial set up and you need to fix it. It doesn't work. If it's totally separate and he gives you 50% of everything; you can't tell him you need to borrow money, or moan about what he's spending his excess on. But that's a bizarre and unfair way to sort money. You're a family. You have £500 left at the end of the month. There's no borrowing from him, it's collective money, yours and his. And you have collective bills, including childcare.

Depression is horrible and I sympathise with him, but this needs sorting now.

EKGEMS · 17/12/2019 14:01

EsmeSwan Well aren"t you just a ray of sunshine?

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 14:01

YABU and ungrateful,what he spends his money on oh his business, you have £11 to last 3 days, some people do not even have that.

Way to miss the point that he deliberately & cold-bloodedly LIED to OP, @EsmeSwan

EKGEMS · 17/12/2019 14:03

Do shut up now Butterflyflower1234

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2019 14:05

Why isn’t he paying your for child care if you have reduced your hours?

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 14:06

I've just read that you only work two days a week yet your DP works full time. Give him a break.

& I've just read that OP works weekends only, because responsibility for either paying or avoiding Childcare costs are deemed to be 100% her sole responsibility. Give HER a break, @Butterflyflower1234

NicoSom · 17/12/2019 14:07

I would be upset with the lie, the money isnt the issue here.

why lie? Just say I bought myself something and I don't have any spare cash.

But, I would be upset if my partner knew I didnt have any money and at least offer to give me some to tide me over. Its swings and roundabouts isnt it?

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