To be upset that he Lied to me about Christmas gift

[nosleepisevident]

This is going to sound very petty but I'm furious. The last couple of months has been tight in regards to money with 3 out of 4 birthdays in an 8 week period before christmas and 2 emergency dentist appointments. I've got about £11 until Friday. I knew that DP had some more money as we'd done the finances (ha) a couple of weeks ago. And asked to borrow some a couple of days ago, he said he did not and when I asked him where the money had gone he said he's bought me w Christmas present. I left it and told him that it was silly to do so before Christmas and should've waited until payday. He made me promise not to open the gift so of course I said I wouldn't. Said present has just arrived 3 days later and is in v think packaging. It's obviously a PS4 game that he's bought for himself I even compared sizes from his other games and it's from cex. It wouldn't be for me as I have 0 interest in games. I'm furious the he's lied to my face am I over reacting

People pleaser is a softer name for a doormat. Time to please YOURSELF now OP. This man will feed on you and grind you down.

So he has energy for parting about on computer games but nonets pitch in and be a responsible partner?

Fuck that.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

Sounds like he has arrested development...

pratting

That's a bit rubbish as he has so much more left over than you. Does he have form for being tight? As it's such a run of birthdays plus Xmas, instead of the ten pounds going into children's savings next year, maybe you could together, start a rainy day fund using that, just for the year, to get it going? Theres a Govt saving scheme has really good interest, it's on Yougov website & Martin Lewis recommended it for low income savers. Or, can you put Dentists energency etc on a credit card in future so its not such a dent & likely to not be regular £?

This 'depression' of his, OP. Has he definitely been to the doctor, has he definitely been prescribed pills and/or therapy, and is he following his doctor's advice? It's not at all uncommon for selfish, abusive men to claim to have depression and use this self-diagnosed illness to insist their partner indulges them in every way, and must never show the slightest hint of exasperation or distress herself.

YABU and ungrateful,what he spends his money on oh his business, you have £11 to last 3 days, some people do not even have that.

Wow.

@ReanimatedSGB no he 100%has. I pick up his antidepressants every few weeks and helped him fill in all of his therapy documents. I don't doubt it

Your whole relationship/ financial setup stinks.
He gets to work full time because for some reason even though they are his kids, arranging childcare is your responsibility

He gets the weekend off childcare and chores while you work

You're constrained by his working hours so only earn a fraction of what he does but have to pay an equal share of the bills

Despite doing all the childcare in the week to save 500 quid a week and working all weekend, effectively giving you no break at all, you still manage to fit in the entire list of chores into the time between your work and looking after your children.

Despite you giving everything to him in terms of time, workload, and money, he doeant appreciate it at all and refuses to lend you money and sits back when you're struggling and buys himself a present.

I know depression can make you selfish and lazy...but has he always been a bit like this? I will stand corrected if he previously did 50 50 and was generous with his money but honestly lots of people are depressed and don't treat their family this badly.

You really need to start looking after yourself as well otherwise you will become so tired and worn out and resentful that when / if he gets better there will be no relationship left, and becoming depressed yourself is a real danger.

You need equal spending money and a bit more time off just for you to relax or whatever. You should be looking at equal 'downtime' when he is better. I'd start with the finances, you work much harder than him and deserve equal 'spending money'. Don't let him being moody, let that sway you, as that's very manipulative

@nosleepisevident
Read the OP's posts.
You are totally missing the point.
He has LIED - big time!!!!
And he has withheld money when OP needs it.
Doesn't matter if £11 is more than some.

He has well over twice the amount of spends than the OP.
That is not OK.
It's called FINANCIAL ABUSE!!!!!
I do despair sometimes - I really do!

Wrong @ sorry - no idea how that happened - very odd.
@EsmeSwan

Read the OP's posts.
You are totally missing the point.
He has LIED - big time!!!!
And he has withheld money when OP needs it.
Doesn't matter if £11 is more than some.
He has well over twice the amount of spends than the OP.
That is not OK.
It's called FINANCIAL ABUSE!!!!!
I do despair sometimes - I really do!

Depression isn't an excuse for him to basically steal money from you and his children. The children he doesn't even look after ever, you would think he'd at least make sure they had enough money but he doesn't do that either, I mean he watched you struggle to pay dental bills while supporting his children and chose a video game over you, that's not excusable

@esmeswan do you really mean what you said?

What sort of relationship do you have to think that's ok?

Wait, so you’re saying you USED to pool the £500 but he tended to spend MORE than ‘his’ 350 on himself, leaving you LESS than 150 for you and the kids, and that’s why you stopped sharing?? He just gets worse, OP. And I’m sorry but just because he has depression isn’t being a reason to feel you need to let him fritter money while you and the kids struggle. Money doesn’t buy happiness and all that, but you know that already don’t you? You sound like you know all of this already but just don’t know how to get out of this hole.

The more I read, the more I feel the OH is using his depression as a get out of jail card.

I'm not saying he doesn't have it, just that it's very convenient for him.

How do you know that the 'game' that's arrived is the 'gift' he's saying he's brought.

Perhaps he spent £200 on your gift then brought himself a new game with the rest of his money?

You're just assuming he's lied to you.

OoohTheStatsDontLie has it entirely right.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
I wouldn’t even call this a relationship.

“We did used to have more fluid finances but DP would end up spending most of the money so we decided to lend if we needed to give to each other to give him some more responsibility (hahaha)“

OP, you definitely need a joint account (with him paying most into it) as well as keeping your separate accounts. He is taking massive advantage of you.

You mention feeling guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but he has plenty. I wonder if a guilty conscience is adding to his depression? Along with staying in bed and doing nothing. He would probably benefit from getting active in the garden and doing his share around the house.

What an arsehole ! And you say borrow money so if he did give you some money you'd have to pay him back?

Depression does not excuse financial abuse.

OP, you would probably be better off if you left him, financially, and definitely mentally.

Make the new year the time for a new start- without him weighing you down. Your anger and resentment are the correct responses to the way he's treating you. Don't feel any guilt about that.

I don't think it's as 'easy' as encouraging the OP to dump him. By the sound of it, she would still be left with the full load, and have a bitter crying ex who lets his job lapse to spite her and feel sorry for himself.

Presuming that you still have some love for him, @nosleepisevident, I think what is needed here is A Difficult Conversation.

You need to spell out how unfair this is, how having two depressed and exhausted parents is crap for your two children, and that things MUST change if you are all to survive this. I would approach the finances as a family, for a start, and make a plan which values you both. The childcare also needs looking at: depression doesn't mean he gets to opt out of family life. He may well find that taking some responsibility for his children at weekends gives him back some self-respect.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed by him grumping about change either: things are completely untenable as it stands now, and you have nothing thing to lose. Perhaps he needs to be a bit more worried about how you react.

@GingerRH try reading the OPs updates. 🙄

DP isn’t doing his fair share OP. If you are barely getting by with him working 5 days and you only 2 AND you can still give towards 50/50 split, I’d say it’s time for his depressed ass to work 2 days at weekends and you get the full time job.

@BitOfFun thanks for the advice, I think that's what's needed to be honest. It's v hard to have a conversation when I'm annoyed about something. He'll deny until he's blue in the face then when I get really upset either switch on the charm or pack his bags and fein leaving. I wish I could have a straight up conversation but I end up feeling bad and wanting to make up.

I'm really dreading him coming home because I feel like I've had a big think I'm going to find it hard to not say everything I've been thinking