To be upset that he Lied to me about Christmas gift

[nosleepisevident]

This is going to sound very petty but I'm furious. The last couple of months has been tight in regards to money with 3 out of 4 birthdays in an 8 week period before christmas and 2 emergency dentist appointments. I've got about £11 until Friday. I knew that DP had some more money as we'd done the finances (ha) a couple of weeks ago. And asked to borrow some a couple of days ago, he said he did not and when I asked him where the money had gone he said he's bought me w Christmas present. I left it and told him that it was silly to do so before Christmas and should've waited until payday. He made me promise not to open the gift so of course I said I wouldn't. Said present has just arrived 3 days later and is in v think packaging. It's obviously a PS4 game that he's bought for himself I even compared sizes from his other games and it's from cex. It wouldn't be for me as I have 0 interest in games. I'm furious the he's lied to my face am I over reacting

Goodluckhun I'm not on the dh's side here, but I think we can assume his weekend's are not "off" any more than the OP's weekdays are, as in both cases they have sole charge of the children then. It does sound a bit miserable to never have a weekend day together.

I would be very angry and upset about this OP.

Also - you wrote:

I don't really ask him for more than that as he gets a mood on.

Do you mean that he becomes verbally or physically aggressive? Your finances do not sound fair at all.

BalsamicVin yeah Butterfly has form, if I remember rightly.

Serial male apologist. If it has peni, it will always be the woman’s fault.

You basically work 7 days a week; 5 looking after your children and then 2 over the weekend whilst he works Mon - Fri safe in the knowledge that his children are looked after and he gets his weekends off?

Presumably he spends the weekends looking after the children, so if that is "off", then OP has Monday to Friday "off"?

OP also mentioned an evening class - so another time he is regularly looking after the DC.

@Butterflyflower1234 I never said I was saving him money I said we couldn't afford it we made a collective descision for me to work weekends it's the lying and manipulating me to make sure i didn't open a present he'd bought himself by saying he'd been thoughtful towards me when in reality he'd ignored the fact that I'd said I'd need to borrow money, bought himself a present lied about it and hasn't even bought me a Christmas present at all

You both either need to start sharing money equally, or you need to work full-time and stop with the assumption that the cost of childcare is your issue alone.

I think you need to open the parcel just to be sure. At the moment you are still speculating that it is a game for him when it possibly isnt. If he questions why you opened it when he said not to, your response it "I thought this must be a different parcel as it obviously wasnt my gift"

I get it, OP.

And I am not surprised that you're angry about this lie.

How does he think he'll get away with it, since you've figured out what is in the box anyway?

You basically work 7 days a week; 5 looking after your children and then 2 over the weekend whilst he works Mon - Fri safe in the knowledge that his children are looked after and he gets his weekends off?

Presumably he looks after the kids while she's at work at the weekend?
I mean, he's obviously a cunt, but they are both doing seven days work.

The issue here is you aren't working as a team. You're both working on different agendas with different expectations. You both need to sit down with your finances and sort things out:

• Split bills dependent on income (so, if your husband earns £1000 a month, you earn £500 and bills come to £750 a month- he pays £500, you pay £250 and the remainder of your cash all goes into the same pot. Then, whatever amount you set aside for emergencies/savings/stuff for the kids/groceries is taken out. After this, the remainder is split in two and you can do what you like with x amount of money (say £100 each).
• All bills are both your responsibilities. Nursery costs are also his responsibility. He also chose to have children.
• If you're working 2 days a week then of course you'll have to do more childcare/house duties during the week. However, when he's at home at the weekend he should be taking the lead on those.

He might initially see it as unfair that he "works longer" and is losing "more" of his money to bills, your own personal spending pot, etc, but you need to remind him that you save him a fortune in nursery fees. You have also taken a big hit regarding your career for X years. You have sacrificed a lot, he needs to do the same.

However, in the here and now, I'd try and resolve the argument and have a nice Christmas. You can get into the nitty gritty after Christmas before the New Year and start afresh then.

Let me guess, he spends his disposable income on himself, but you have to cover the costs of entertaining the DC during the week etc out of yours?

Oh and I opened the game. Invoice said £28 psvita game

This is not an equal relationship. He is taking advantage of you.

He should be responsible for childcare 50% of the time (not necessarily doing it, but paying for it if not). In fact, he is only looking after the kids during the Sat-Sun times when you are at work. That's a very uneven split and the logical way to balance it is that he pays you the difference. You haven't given exact hours but say he works 40 hours a week and you work 20 hours a week, he should be paying you for 10 hours of childcare (that's assuming that all household work is split 50:50 when neither of you are at work - ha probably not but that's how it should be)

So that would have the effect of equalising your spending money at £250 each. Though it would be best if you both agreed to just take £200 and put £50 each into a pot for birthday presents, emergencies and unexpected expensive things.

@BiddyPop pretty much yes

x-post didn't previously see he's not even taking a fair go at the childcare when you are at work. He definitely needs to be contributing more cash given how little he is contributing in other ways.

After bills rent and food I have about £150 a month maybe and he'll have about £350

Err... no. You collectively have about £500 left a month. There’s no ‘his money and my money’ when you are a family.

@nosleepisevident This situation isn’t fair. As others have pointed out, you’re enabling him to work full time by providing care for BOTH OF YOUR CHILDREN. This means that any remaining finances are on a 50/50 split, anything else is unfair and yes, it is financial abuse! Areshole

@VanGoghsDog my parents have the kids at the weekend as he has depression to give him a break

When do you get a break OP?

Are they his children? It doesn't sound like they are as you seem to be the only one expected to provide for them.

@Butterflyflower1234 when does op get a break then?

• He's not even watching the kids at the weekend???

Oh come on OP. Give yourself a head wobble, then think about whether you really truly want this as your life. This is not about him lying about a video game. This is about the fact that he is basically a cocklodger

OP you are avoiding posters telling you there is something deeply unfair and I equal about your financial situation. I will never understand men who are happy to have money whilst their partner doesn't, that's not a partnership!

OP, I know you’re trying to refocus the discussion on your original point about him lying to you over the gift and PP keep veering off onto the unfair financial divisions between you. But that’s because the game/gift is one small part of this much bigger issue. You can’t resolve the game and lie unless you address the bigger issue.

He earns more than you but only puts 50% into the shared pot, so that you have less disposable income and still have to cover much of the kids’ stuff from that. The reason you earn less is because of your joint children, so he should be sharing his disposable income.

The reason he doesn’t share is NOT because it hasn’t occurred to him. The fact he’s lying about his own self-centred spending or getting moody when you ask for extra demonstrates very clearly that he knows he is being unreasonable about it but is getting away with it, so why not?

If you confront his lie, no doubt there will be a row and you’ll eventually make up and life will carry on as before. But the niggle in your gut about what he did won’t go away. You will only really resolve this if/when you’re able to tackle the wider financial issue. I do feel for you. Some PP have called it selfishness, some abuse. I’m not sure what to call it but it’s desperately unfair and horribly disrespectful to you and the unpaid contribution you make to family life.